MissBee Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I know exactly what I would tell others to do but when it's your situation it's not that black and white how do you walk away from someone you're completely in love with he's offered to tell his wife before and now I wish I had told him to I'm so down Ahhh that was manipulation...he knew you wouldn't ask him to do so, so he threw out out there I'm sure probably in the midst of an argument to make you feel like he would then you said oh no, don't do it... He had NO intention of telling her. Think about it. Why would he need your permission???? A man who loves you and wants to be with you and further, one done with his marriage doesn't need his OW to ask him to leave or "okay" him telling his wife. He would do it of his own volition to SHOW YOU he means business. This dude said this as part of his manipulative tactics and knew it would lead nowhere...if he were serious do you think he would turn around now and be all upset that you're upset he's married? NO! He would say, you know what, I didn't tell her that one time but now I will. He didn't do that. He was NEVER going to do that and he never will. I understand you think you love him...but based on what you're saying and my own experience, this love on your part is also coming out of a very low place, it's almost this desperate kind of "love" and I really mean this with no judgment, as I have been there. But once I learned more about the issues that led me to even want some loser to love me and to THINK I loved him, the more I realize without loving myself most of all that kind of love was very toxic and not love at all. When you're in a good place within yourself you CANNOT love someone like this and you most of all don't allow them to treat you badly...but when you aren't in a good place you accept bullshhhyt as though it's the best thing ever. But it takes time and also courage to start small by saying no to nonsense, and over time I hope you look back and can feel disgusted with this. 4
Author imperfectangel Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 I told him I needed more contact from him and that he had been a complete arsehole with me I have tried to stick up for myself and I'm sad to say I have initiated contact with him twice since we spoke he replied but he hasn't initiated any contact himself.
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I know exactly what I would tell others to do but when it's your situation it's not that black and white how do you walk away from someone you're completely in love with he's offered to tell his wife before and now I wish I had told him to I'm so down Do you believe him when he told you he's offered to tell his wife? Come on, think with your head realistically, not your heart and emotions. Why not call him on his bluff? Tell him that you're in love with him and are going to fight for him. That since he doesn't have the balls to confess to his wife, leave and divorce her, that you're going to tell her the truth for him and let her know that you plan on fighting for him to be all yours. Watch his reaction, it'll be telling. if he wants you in his life as a future wife, then he'll make changes for that to happen. if he doesn't and freaks out, gives lines and excuses, then you for sure know what's what. 1
MissBee Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I told him I needed more contact from him and that he had been a complete arsehole with me I have tried to stick up for myself and I'm sad to say I have initiated contact with him twice since we spoke he replied but he hasn't initiated any contact himself. Well you already know the truth, it's not as though any of us are revealing anything you don't already know. You are just deluding yourself, to be blunt. But I get it...and I hope you reach your breaking point soon. (((hugs))) 3
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I told him I needed more contact from him and that he had been a complete arsehole with me I have tried to stick up for myself and I'm sad to say I have initiated contact with him twice since we spoke he replied but he hasn't initiated any contact himself. Isn't this telling? His actions show you, doesn't it. I agree, go back and re-read all your old threads and replies. If possible, go talk to a therapist because you're about to make a real bad mistake that is going to mess you up all over again. 2
JPMC Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I told him I needed more contact from him and that he had been a complete arsehole with me I have tried to stick up for myself and I'm sad to say I have initiated contact with him twice since we spoke he replied but he hasn't initiated any contact himself. Again, read above, the first time someone is a "complete arsehole" with you is the last time you see him or speak with him. He's going to give you more contact, until this weekend. It's better to live with a little pain and suffering than to have a huge high and then crash. Here are some reasons for you to call this off. 1. Your dignity 2. You go out on top on your terms. He doesn't get to dictate it, you do, you're in control. A woman in control is a strong woman. 3. It's a win/win, emotionally. You'll feel better in the long run and you prove you can stand up for yourself. Instead of seeing him, go to a spa, pamper yourself and treat yourself right. I wouldn't even call him. Just blow him off. If you refuse to do this, tell him if he wants to be with you, he either leaves his wife that night, or you'll tell her everything. if he doesn't want to be with you, than never contact you again. 2
awkward Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I agree. You tell him to kiss your arse. You are the winner. Go out on top. I would just stop all contact with him right this minute. Let him wonder WTF happened and if you were playing games with him. 5
Author imperfectangel Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 OMG that I need to do something I don't want him just showing up he knows how I feel and uses our long history to win me over I also found out he has had another child but he won't admit it to me (avoids the question) but my friend who lives closer has no reason to lie and he does I'm such a muppet
Author imperfectangel Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 I agree. You tell him to kiss your arse. You are the winner. Go out on top. I would just stop all contact with him right this minute. Let him wonder WTF happened and if you were playing games with him. he asked me before if I was stringing him along and how can I change my mind so fast - going from wanting to see him to telling him where to go but then he ups his game
MissBee Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 he asked me before if I was stringing him along and how can I change my mind so fast - going from wanting to see him to telling him where to go but then he ups his game All his lies should be making you angry and should make it easier to ignore him. 1
JPMC Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 he asked me before if I was stringing him along and how can I change my mind so fast - going from wanting to see him to telling him where to go but then he ups his game You allow him to "up his game" by engaging with him after you tell him no. You take the calls, you answer the texts, you won't block his number. The long history is the pain you've been through. Great history, like the Irish Potato Famine. 2
Author imperfectangel Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 that last line made me lol I'll wait till he contacts then tell him where to go I can't just ignore him that's not me
JPMC Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Smart move, I'm proud of you. But you have to cut it, period. Tell him if he contacts you again, you'll tell his wife. I'm sure she knows he's a cad, since this is his at least second affair. You need to be selfish and love yourself. Your intentions right now are on the right track.
MissBee Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 (edited) that last line made me lol I'll wait till he contacts then tell him where to go I can't just ignore him that's not me Well it needs to be you...as what's "you" seems to be someone who accepts his bullshyt and who is so incredibly worried about being nice to him so he will love you. That's not a "you" that you should be holding on to. If I were you I'd aspire to a you that has no problems ignoring him and telling him to faccck off. You're still being passive and waiting for him to do things before you do anything instead of taking the initiative to be firm first, but it's because you're still worried about being nice to him and getting validation from him. He has treated you like shyt...so what if you ignore him?! Like seriously....he hasn't thought twice about ANY of the terrible things he has done, yet you act like ignoring him is the worst crime you could ever commit against this ass clown. What exactly are you afraid of with ignoring him? That he will feel bad and not love you or think of you poorly? He already doesn't love or respect you, and he'll feel bad as he should and he already doesn't value you, what ignoring him will do will actually maybe make him say wow, she's not as desperate for me and as wrapped around my finger as I thought. You love him and worry about his ridiculous feelings more than yourself...that's not a good thing at all. It's the perfect recipe for being a door mat and having people take and take from you. Yet, women and men who do this, really believe somewhere that when they are this way someday this other person will realize how much they love them and treat them in the same way, doesn't happen. You set your boundaries with people first and show them that you love yourself FIRST and then they will respect and love you properly...if you fall all over them and accept ****tyyy treatment and walk on tip toes not to upset them and pander to their inane demands, they realize you're spineless and milk it for their own purposes NOT love you for it. Edited January 21, 2014 by MissBee 4
JPMC Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Miss Bee is straight up fire today. I think you receive validation for how he feels about you. He has impregnated 3 women including his wife since he got married. He has ZERO respect for you. When he gets what he wants, he loves you. Be a Babe In Total Control of Herself
Author imperfectangel Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 no if I ignore him he'll more than likely just show up if I email him now hell tell me I didn't give him chance blah blah blah I may ignore him for awhile but I'm not letting him turn up at my house
Author imperfectangel Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 Miss Bee is straight up fire today. I think you receive validation for how he feels about you. He has impregnated 3 women including his wife since he got married. He has ZERO respect for you. When he gets what he wants, he loves you. Be a Babe In Total Control of Herself I meant he'd had another child with his wife the rest of the post is right and he doesn't know he got my pregnant. I wasn't strong enough to tell him
Owl Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I know exactly what I would tell others to do but when it's your situation it's not that black and white how do you walk away from someone you're completely in love with he's offered to tell his wife before and now I wish I had told him to I'm so down You realize that you're an adult, making your own damned decisions, and the one responsible for how others treat you. You recognize that you will NEVER, EVER, EVER get what you want out of this relationship. You start seeing him for who/what he is, rather than who/what you want him to be. You stop romanticizing and glorifying this affair, and recognize it for what it is...an f-buddy relationship at the active expense of his wife, and with complete and total disregard of what you truly want and deserve. You start acting like a grown woman wearing her big girl drawers, and stop acting like a helpless little girl with no control of her own life, her own destiny. And you stop pining for a fairy tale relationship...and start learning what it takes to have a real, loving, caring partnership that doesn't come with strings attached. In other words, you stop putting up with this BS, and you start taking charge of who you are, what you do, and what you'll accept in your life. 5
Owl Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I really wanted to say "Time to nut up, or shut up", but I didn't want you to think I was trying to say you couldn't/shouldn't post. Just saying that the time to talk about this stuff is over...the time to DO something different is here now. 2
MissBee Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 no if I ignore him he'll more than likely just show up if I email him now hell tell me I didn't give him chance blah blah blah I may ignore him for awhile but I'm not letting him turn up at my house Call the police and report him for trespassing if he comes to your house...or simply don't answer the door, put on headphones or turn up your tv and pretend he isn't there. What is he gonna do? Camp outside? He will most likely leave after 30 minutes of no response. Show him you mean business. No need to wait for a reply to his email. You can email him and then block his email or label it spam so it goes straight to your spam and you never have to see it. Honestly, there are ways to curb this if you want to. If some man you didn't have any interest in were doing this you would find a way to make it clear to him that you aren't interested, but clearly because you do want his attention you won't fully close the door...but you need to. I get it takes time though but I am just pointing out that it's not as hard as you are making it out to be. 3
Author imperfectangel Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 I just think if I start ignoring him it will make me as bad as him
Author imperfectangel Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 and owl I appreciate it I always post here when I need a good talking to!! I neeeeeeed people to give it to me straight
Owl Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I just think if I start ignoring him it will make me as bad as him No...ignoring someone is how a child deals with problems. Adults CONFRONT your problems, and resolve them head on. You tell him point blank that what he's doing is wrong. That you are DONE. You cannot/will not accept the role he's trying to force you to take. Don't discuss it with him...dictate it to him. Then you BLOCK further contact from him where at all possible. So that you can't relapse in a weak moment. You fill your time and energy focused on something OTHER than him. You rely on friends and family to bolster you up. You learn from it, and drive the heck on. 1
Author imperfectangel Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 I think if he gets in touch ill tell him where to go but I'm not going to start drama with him now kills me that I know that right now he's probably curled up on the sofa with her
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Why do you put his feelings above your own? Why do you respect him more than yourself? Why do you love him more than you love yourself? This is what it seems like to me. Standing up for yourself and taking control of your life should be your priority here and not worrying or not if you *might* hurt his feelings or by ignoring him might cause him some stress. He doesn't care what he does and the affect it has on you, so why should you care what he feels about your own decisions and life? 3
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