Second chance?

[tabsbabs]

Hi all,

 

I’m looking for some advice.

 

I split up with my ex about 16 months ago now. It was heart breaking for me. After 14 months together I found out he had cheated on me various times, was texting other girls and he ended the relationship saying he never loved me etc. It absolutely broke me, and as a result, I’m a different person to who I was before I met him. I am a lot more pessimistic and jaded and am extremely wary of men etc.

 

I still think about him from time to time, but of course, your brain only lets you remember the good bits, and I’m fully aware that he was a bad person and treated me horribly.

 

I voluntarily took myself off the market for a year to heal and recuperate. I was fully alone for this year. Not texting guys, going on dates, anything. And in November last year I decided it was time to start dating again.

 

All of my girlfriends have, in the year I was voluntarily single, found good guys, and paired off in good stable relationships, which, of course, now take up 90% of their time. Where before we would have a meal during the week and then a Friday or Saturday night out every week, it has now reduced to I’d say, a couple of hours down the pub per month. I understand this is what happens when people get older and get into committed relationships, but I do find it quite hard, being the only single one in a group of girls and being consequentially left out – they go on group dates or double dates etc, and obviously as I’m single I’m not invited. They are all in the process of buying houses with their boyfriends etc and I am only just getting back onto the dating scene, so I do find it very hard at weekends when I’ve nothing to do and no-one to go out with anymore ; so meeting new people is tough anyway.

 

I have been on a dozen or so dates since November. I’d say most of these guys were nice but there was no spark, and I just ended the evening sad and thinking about my ex and the amazing spark and sexual chemistry I felt with him from our very first date.

 

For the past 4 years, there has been a very constant man in my life. Let’s call him John. He is my ex-boyfriend before my most recent ex. We ended on amicable terms about 3 years ago, we were together for a year before that. We broke up because our situation was just not right and he had anger and depression issues that were impacting on the relationship.

 

Apart from his mental issues, our relationship was very good and healthy. He was, what some might say, the perfect boyfriend to me. My friends and family loved him, his friends and family loved me, but for whatever reason, it didn’t work out at that time.

 

He has stayed in my life and has always maintained contact with me. He has always told me I am the love of his life and he will never stop loving me. Even when I was with my ex, he would still check in, and when we broke up and my ex ripped my heart out, he was the one there all the time, helping me through it. He has stayed loyal to me through these past 3 years, even when I was seeing someone else and have been on these dates recently. I’ve never lied to him and have always told him if I’m going on a date, and he just behaves the same. He says I need to get it out of my system. He has not dated another woman or slept with another woman since we broke up 3 years ago. He says that I am the only one that he wants.

 

He maintains that he has changed in his life and his ways. No longer has the depression and anger issues and wants me to give him another chance. He has been saying that for about 11 months, but now he’s issued me an ultimatum.

 

The problem is that I do not and have not ever felt for him, the raw magnetic animal spark that I felt for my most recent ex. The one who broke my heart and was cheating on me left right and centre and ultimately treated me like crap. But, having been on a dozen or more dates now, I haven’t felt that spark for anyone and I’d never felt it before my ex.

 

I really like John as a person and in an ideal world, I would be with him. I guess I’m looking for advice on whether the spark I had with my ex, was because he was ultimately unobtainable? Am I being unrealistic, and am I just pessimistic to love now because of how badly my heart was broken before?

 

Any advice at all would be gratefully appreciated, the impartiality of strangers always helps to put things into perspective.

 

Thank you so much x

[Hopeful30]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. A few things jumped out at me from your post.

 

1) Don't compare every date to the date you had with your ex. Just because that same spark isn't there doesn't mean the date can't be good, and if you expect a spark you might potentially not allow it to happen.

 

2) Don't get back with John. Relationships end for a reason. And to be quite honest, I found it weird when you said "Aside from his anger and depression, he was perfect!" That's like saying "Aside from the fact that we couldn't be together, our relationship was good!" Doesn't make sense to me.

 

I also understand the position you're in with all your friends being in loving relationships and you're the only single one. I get it, and it really sucks, and yes, it becomes harder and harder to have a life when everyone else is moving to committed relationships.

 

How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

 

My only advice is focus on your career, your work, maybe hit the gym. Go salsa dancing. Go to a charity event. Try to get yourself involved in things.

 

Although I know you probably won't end up doing this cuz I've gotten the exact same advice before and it's hard to put yourself out there when you're already bummed.

 

Maybe try not looking for a spark. Make your goal to meet as many men as possible and have zero expectations on all the dates. You will be surprised how pleasant things might seem after you shift your perspective a bit.

[tabsbabs]

Thanks so much for the advice. I'm 27.

 

The thing is that I've been throwing myself into my career and gym and everything else for the past year that I've been "voluntarily single". I am ready to meet someone now but for whatever reason, these dates I've been on have just left me feeling so underwhelmed.

 

I guess I just worry I will never meet anyone again that made me feel like my ex did, even though it was all a lie on his side. It sucks to feel as though someone has damaged you in this way?

[Frank2thepoint]

I agree with Hopeful30. You can't, and should stop, comparing other men to your recent ex-boyfriend. You are still holding on to him, because as you've said, the recent guys you have dated did not give you the same spark as your recent ex. That's a sign of trouble and that you are still dwelling on the past, especially over a toxic relationship. It is good the relationship has ended, but there are lingering effects that you have not gotten over yet. You still think your ex was the only one that you had a spark with, mostly because he was unobtainable, he was a challenge. That spark is really subjective and you created it in yourself, and are still nursing the embers to keep it alive.

 

As for your other ex-boyfriend "John", if you don't feel anything for him anymore, then you need to tell him straight to his face and be very clear. Otherwise you'd be leading him on. I say this because the way you described how he has been pure and chaste for you the past three years, sounds like you are romanticizing his overtures, and you are enjoying the attention a little bit. In addition, he has given you an ultimatum, which means he does not have full control of his anger issues. That is a sign that he is running out of patience. I suggest for you to be honest with "John" and do not give him hope.