Lansing Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Wondering if you guys have been in a situation before where you are the one always initiating touch and the girl just "accepts" it but you feel like she really isn't engaged in it. When I grab a girls hand I want to feel like she is grabbing it back. When I touch a girls back to guide her or put my arm around her I want to feel like she is engaged in it somehow and enjoys it. I also want her to touch me/initiate kisses/hugs/etc because she wants to. I have been dating this girl and she is nice in many ways but this part of things is bothering me. I think I will bring it up in conversation next time but I don't know how to do it without looking insecure myself. I am wondering why she is acting this way, she accepts my dates, we hang out on a regular basis but our intimacy seems very high schoolish level and I don't know if she is reciprocating interest (she seems to based on little things she does/says to me but lack of physical touch is the main issue). We live about 2 hours away from each other and we haven't been to either's place so mainly we meet in a city in the middle at restaurants/bars/events/etc. Even when I give her a good night kiss she seems "into" it but it isn't as passionate as I have been used to with other girls. I am okay with waiting for things to develop beyond kissing/hand holding/etc until she is comfortable but I really want to feel like she is into me romantically and that we aren't just "friends" with me having to always be making the moves.
Frank2thepoint Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I understand your frustration. Been there myself. There can be several reasons for this. She can be shy about intimacy, she could have some deep-seated issues such as her mother was not there for her so she is unsure how to express emotion, she could be confused and unfamiliar with intimacy in general, or she could be cold and dead inside. Bringing it up will not make you "needy". Although you do want/need intimacy, you also want to share it with her to the fullest, without the feeling that she may not like it at all. Bring up the topic by asking her what she thinks about intimacy and how she views herself showing it. Basically start off the conversation about what her opinion is. She may reveal something about her past that could have put her off, or she may say she's just not used to it. Just don't ask her outright to give you more affection. Work with her through it. 1
regine_phalange Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Maybe she doesnt feel comfortable with PDA or she was raised that way... Or she waits too much to initiate a touch and you beat her to it. Maybe if you were in private she would be more touchy feely... Sure, talk to her. In the worst case it will come off as sweet. This is the kind of "complains" we all like to hear more or less. I was never very touchy feely with friends and family in my earlier years. My mum's value was that you love someone from a distance, not touchy-feely, hugs etc (she thought it would make us kids spoiled). With my boyfriends, however, it happened unconsciously to touch them. Actually I notice that after many years I became a lot more touchy feely with friends and family too. So it's a thing that can change with time I guess. 1
Author Lansing Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 So, an update on things just in case it can help others in the future. We had a "talk" last night. I still felt a bit of "coldness" from her so I initiated a conversation. She basically told me she wanted to takes things slow and keep getting to know me and want that we know each other better before rushing into things as she has in the past, etc. She said a lot of "cliche" things like "you are so nice, I feel like you can do better than me, etc" but I feel like I want to believe her. I think she is really dealing with her own insecurities based on some things we talked about last night. She said at times she is surprised that I still want to hang out with her and she feels like she is boring me. She also said she isn't a fan of PDA. I get a deep sense that she is afraid of getting hurt. I think she feels like once I get to know her or that more of her personality comes out that I won't want to be with her. Anyway, I really don't know what I will do because I enjoy her company and I don't want her concerns to end up being a self fulfilling prophecy. I was trying to keep things fun and light but I know at the same time she has a lot going on with her life (unemployed, etc). She mentioned she hadn't been in a relationship in a really long time too.
cupic Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I expereienced this with my girlfriend (now fiance). i am a very touchy feely type person. At times i can be heavy with the PDA, and at home i cant take my hands off of her. However I did reach a point like you described above, i thought she was cold, and neglecting me. We talked. And she told me she's just not that type of person. She loves to be touched, and loves me touching her, but she recognised that she doesnt do the same. We both joked that she was lazy and laughed, and she said well that probably not to far from the truth. Sex was always the same way. I would always initiate, she would always reciprocate, but not initiate. Again same discussion, and again, she enjoys sex whenever and however I want it, but just never initiates because she knows I will. Does this hinder our relationship? It may have before we talked about it, but since then, we recognise and accept eachothers faults. We love each other very much beyond our physical needs and attractions. We have a healthy sex life, and massages and pda are given out freely to each other. Just talk, if that doesnt settle things, you may have a deeper incompatiblity problem.
Hopeful30 Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 In light of my current situation (boyfirend is a cold fish sexually) my advice would be to hound her. Show her how sexually attracted you are to her. I'm like that too, I don't show any sexual interest until the man initiates something sexually, and then the fox comes out! Maybe she's just as unsure about how you feel about her. Just go for it man, what have you go to lose? If she's not into you, at least you will know. And if she is, you'll be in for a pleasant surprise.
Hopeful30 Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Women in general don't like to initiate affection. Initiate affection for the first time? Or initiate affection in general? I never initiate anything until I'm officially dating a man. Then I have no problems initiating. 1
Author Lansing Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 Thanks for everyone's responses. I did update the post up above. We had a big conversation last night and she addressed why she didn't initiate touch/reciprocate. I don't know if her behaviour is unique to me or just something she is dealing with. She said she hasn't been in a relationship in a really long time, I didn't ask for more details. I do care for her and I would like to let things develop between us but at the same time I can't put up with feeling rejected all of the time and that she isn't into things. This is the awkward time though, waiting to see what happens next. I feel like I don't want to chase after her and let her make some effort but I also think if I don't contact her she will feel that I am not interested in keeping in contact with her. I am going to leave some time just to sort out my own thoughts but I hope to hear from her in the meantime.
Zelias Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 So, an update on things just in case it can help others in the future. We had a "talk" last night. I still felt a bit of "coldness" from her so I initiated a conversation. She basically told me she wanted to takes things slow and keep getting to know me and want that we know each other better before rushing into things as she has in the past, etc. She said a lot of "cliche" things like "you are so nice, I feel like you can do better than me, etc" but I feel like I want to believe her. I think she is really dealing with her own insecurities based on some things we talked about last night. She said at times she is surprised that I still want to hang out with her and she feels like she is boring me. She also said she isn't a fan of PDA. I get a deep sense that she is afraid of getting hurt. I think she feels like once I get to know her or that more of her personality comes out that I won't want to be with her. Anyway, I really don't know what I will do because I enjoy her company and I don't want her concerns to end up being a self fulfilling prophecy. I was trying to keep things fun and light but I know at the same time she has a lot going on with her life (unemployed, etc). She mentioned she hadn't been in a relationship in a really long time too. When she told you you were "nice" and "you can do better than her" that's a sign to move on and insecurities lie within her. Listen to me, get rid of this girl, don't talk to her anymore or contact her or chase her, do nothing, find another girl, because this girl certainly does not care, if she did like you, she would put some effort into this. You are the only one who is putting in any effort so far, more than 85% of it. You are wasting your time with her. I promise you down the road (if you stay with this girl) she will find another guy(if she already doesn't have one waiting on the lines) and dump you or she will string you along. Obviously she isn't ready for anything now. It is in your best interest to not contact her at all. YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME, WHEN YOU COULD BE LOOKING AT OTHER GIRLS. Best of luck you! 1
Author Lansing Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 Thanks Zelias I have decided to stop initiating contact with her. It has been over a week. I will probably respond if she contacts me as I feel bad ignoring her. I even feel bad not initiate contact. I think she would still go out if I asked her out but I feel anxiety myself about the whole situation as I would always be second guessing her interest level/etc. I always got the sense that she was hiding something... like that there was this darker side to her... I am not sure how to explain it. In general I find it hard to cut people out of my life though. I did enjoy her company and she treated me well more or less. At the same time I feel like if I am already stressing about where things are going/etc that it can't go anywhere good. If she had reacted differently during our conversation and said she was afraid of getting hurt and just wanted to take things slow I would have been okay with it but instead she created more questions than answers with that last conversation. I feel like the only way of moving forward at this point even as a friend down the road was if she clearly defined what she wanted out of things. Regardless, I still feel bad and can't help but think she is wondering why I haven't contacted her and she is thinking that I think poorly of her or whatever.
LEEVIT2F8 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 She gave you the brush off. Your better off either she was seeing someone else, liked you but not as much, and didnt have the heart to say it. Or she is low self esteem girl and that takes a lot of patience and caring to fix. If she wasn't worth all that to you then you got off easy.
KatZee Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Thanks Zelias I have decided to stop initiating contact with her. It has been over a week. I will probably respond if she contacts me as I feel bad ignoring her. Regardless, I still feel bad and can't help but think she is wondering why I haven't contacted her and she is thinking that I think poorly of her or whatever. I'm sorry, but how about you just tell her that you don't think it's going to work out any longer? Why be so passive aggressive by pulling the "fade out"? If you "feel so bad" if she's wondering what happened, then TELL HER. I'm finding a lot of these answers fairly comical and this could have been a girl you could possibly have fallen in love with, instead, you choose the cowards way out by just ignoring her. I was this girl. I was the girl who didn't know how to show affection/emotion. I had one of the issues stated above. I didn't grow up with a mother who showed me how to express myself that way, so in my first relationship, I really had no clue. It made me anxious, and I felt awkward, and because of that, I didn't initiate. My boyfriend at the time didn't leave me. He didn't give up on me. Instead, he taught me how to say the words "I love you." He taught me how to be more affectionate/emotional. That guy was my first love, and to this day 12 years later, still remains the best boyfriend I've ever had. Sure, it's not your responsibility to "fix" her or whatever else, but I think it could be a rash move just ignoring her like this. No one is perfect, you're not perfect either. I don't agree with you feeling "rejected." She has never once rejected you, she just expresses herself the only way she knows how, unless you decide to be patient and teach her, as my first boyfriend did with me. 1
Author Lansing Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 Sure, it's not your responsibility to "fix" her or whatever else, but I think it could be a rash move just ignoring her like this. See, the thing is.. why is it a guy ignoring the girl when the girl can equally initiate contact? It isn't like she is e-mailing/calling/texting me and I am not responding. The last thing was me suggesting getting together and she was busy that day but said something like "hopefully soon"... I tried to keep some conversation going by e-mail but she kept things relatively short and to the point in responding. I have had situations before where I felt like I have had to "chase" the girl and it didn't end so well. I feel like if she cares at all about me she should put in some effort to check in with me. At the same time, I am not doing this as a test.... I feel like I truly just need to move on because our interest levels are not aligned.
filani Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 ^^^ @ lansing Best thing you've said all day bro .
soccerrprp Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 ...I feel like you can do better than me.... Code for "I'm really not into you", OR insecurity talking. She said at times she is surprised that I still want to hang out with her and she feels like she is boring me. Insecurity talking and/OR she's looking at the relationship and feels that she hasn't been putting forth as much energy and is a little puzzled that you're interested. She also said she isn't a fan of PDA. I get a deep sense that she is afraid of getting hurt. I think she feels like once I get to know her or that more of her personality comes out that I won't want to be with her. My current gf was not used to PDA. She is now! Part of the reason was b/c she wasn't used to it and didn't get it much at all from past relationships and as much as I do give to her now. She loves it! Anyway, she may be afraid to get too close, but having a talk about what you like, need and seeing what she does with that will ultimately tell. If she continues to resist or doesn't "warm" UP to more affection then she is likely not interested in being with you LT.
scooby-philly Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I'm not a psychologist. Nor can I admit to being perfect. With those two things in mind I can relate. I didn't date until my late 20's out of shame and fear. I'm naturally a PDA and affectionate guy. I stayed with someone too long out of fear, but in the right situation some of these posts were correct. If you care enough for her you will you work with her on it and if she's naturally a caring person it will get better. If she isn't naturally or it's been too ingrained, then yes, you will need to move on. But not talking about it won't help. She made be scared and directionless.
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