kareneverylastname Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 [sIZE=3]Oh, boy. Here goes. It may already be on this forum somewhere but I don’t know how to search for exactly my situation. Each time I date someone, I have this expectation that we should be serious immediately. I don’t know how to date. I don’t know how to “wait for him to call.” I feel if I’m not letting him know every second that I’m interested in him, he’s going to think I’m not and then will stop calling. So, when I don’t hear from him (when I’m dying to call HIM) then I think he lost interest. [/sIZE] [sIZE=3][/sIZE] [sIZE=3]In other words, how the heck do people take it slow when they first start dating without worrying the other person thinks they aren’t interested? I feel my self-worth is defined by what men think of me and if they don’t call me or text me constantly, then I feel unworthy and think they lost interest. How the heck do I just let things happen naturally? Why do I physically stress out if I don’t hear from him?[/sIZE]
waiting4u Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I think you have to take care of yourself and imagine your life as happy without anyone in it. Don't think too far into the future. That way you won't be disappointed if it doesn't work out. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 You have to improve your own self talk. Remind yourself that you are a good person independently of being in a relationship. You take it slow by going slow. You don't talk every day. When you do talk you keep it relatively light. The deepest early revelations should be things like your favorite food, why you chose your career & possibly what you wanted to be when you grew up. Keep all the deep dark scary stuff hidden. You set time limits on how often you will call. Yes, to some extent that is game playing but in your case because you don't seem to understand boundaries, it's not a game. It's a restriction to prevent you from ruining a good thing by being too clingy. You also force yourself to do things without your new date. Hang out with friends. Engage in your hobbies. In essence continue to live your life. 1
CherryBlossom200 Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Karen, I hate to say it but the problem lies completley with you. You need to fill your life with hobbies/exercise/seeing friends etc then you won't stress so much. When your mind is occupied with other things you won't focus on a man. But also, your stress comes from insecurity and you need to look at why you are insecure. Is this down to previous relationships/family etc? Read this book called 'Mr Unavailable and the fallback girl' I bet you identify with a lot in the book. A guy will sense your neediness and insecurity and run in the opposite direction. Until you deal with why you are like this you will continue to make the same mistakes. It's not about pretending to be busy, it's about actually BEING busy. 1
salparadise Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I feel my self-worth is defined by what men think of me and if they don’t call me or text me constantly, then I feel unworthy and think they lost interest. I think you've hit the nail on the head with this sentence. That's a very important realization, and probably not something you can simply change by deciding you don't want to be that way. The emotionally healthy path is to work on developing the internal resources to self-validate rather than seeking that via external sources. Find an excellent therapist to help you begin this journey. Good luck. 1
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