waiting4u Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 So I had a dinner date with my ex last night. I’m not sure how it went, but it's not like he's all over me. We laughed and talked and he told me how he was at a point in his life where he wanted to settle down but was having trouble finding a girl that fit into his lifestyle (he’s a wildlife photographer and is always hiking and backpacking). Part of why I broke it off with him the first time was because logistically it was often difficult for us to get together for this very reason. It wasn’t a long dinner and I made sure to be the one to suggest leaving first (mainly because I was afraid he would suggest it). He didn’t want to have a second drink – but that’s not unusual for him and he had to drive a long way. When we left, we talked in the parking lot for a bit and he gave me a long hug, but no kiss. He moves REALLY SLOWLY in relationships (he did the first time), so that’s not necessarily a bad sign, but I took it as one. Then he said “we should get together and go hiking sometime.” Thing is - he had JUST told me a story over dinner of a date he went on with a girl he didn’t like. I asked him how he handled it and he said well, you know, I just said “we should get together and go hiking sometime.” UGH! I think the bottom line is this: I’ve been friend-zoned and he knows I’m interested so he has the power. He’s likely wary because his past experience with me was not good. We only dated 3 months, had sex once, and then I ditched him. If I don’t hear from him in the next couple days, should I just write him off? I feel like if I spend time with him I can show him how we are compatible and things can be different this time. I was planning on going hiking this weekend and thought I might text him in a couple days and ask him if he wants to go with me. Is that coming on too strong? Should I continue to ask him to do things with me? Can you force your way out of the friend zone by just spending time with someone? God, hindsight is 20/20 - I hate for this to be the one that got away.
d0nnivain Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 You can't force your way out of the friendzone but men don't do that to women the way women do it to men. Once a woman sees a man as a friend he stops being sexual to her. Men will be perfectly happy to boink their friends. Since he mentioned hiking, I'd go ahead & invite him. If he says no, don't write him off. He may legitimately be busy. Invite him again next time but that's it. FWIW, if you haven't resolved the things that broke you up the 1st time why are you going back?
MidwestUSA Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 He's understandably wary. You ditched him, correct? What's different now that makes you think it will work?
soccerrprp Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 FWIW, if you haven't resolved the things that broke you up the 1st time why are you going back? I was curious about the same thing. How is it different now?
Author waiting4u Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 (edited) Well, I have resolved it. I mostly broke up with him before because he was a "rebound" guy for me and I just wasn't that into it. I couldn't be into anyone at that point in my life. I was going through some terrible personal issues. Some of the issue was that he lives next to a national park that is about an hour drive from my house. I just wasn't willing to go up there very often because I wasn't invested in a future with him. These days - I think he's pretty awesome and I would move out to the wilderness to be with him - which sounds admittedly desperate but he is a pretty amazing guy. We've been friends about 3 years now. Edited January 21, 2014 by waiting4u
d0nnivain Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 . We've been friends about 3 years now. Hold the phone. This is a new very important piece of info. From your 1st post, I thought you dated him, broke up, went your separate ways & recently reconnected. If you have been friends for 3 years how is the dinner you had last night any different from anything & everything you have done with him during your friendship? How does he now know you are "interested" as you put it? How will this upcoming hike be different from a friendship event? He needs very clear directions at this point . . . not just signals. Have you point blank said, I want to date you again? If not, why not?
Author waiting4u Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 Well, we haven't been close. We were close after our breakup because he was helping me through some stuff, but then he met someone else and was involved with her for a while so we didn't talk much. Since they broke up, we call each other every month or so but don't really hang out. A couple weeks ago he called me late at night and we talked for a long time about his female troubles. I felt like he kept dropping hints or something, so the next morning I texted him "you know, we might give it another shot" and he said "well, we could always hang out and see what happens." I talked to him a few days later and he said that he did want to hang out, but he didn't want me to think that meant we were getting back together. We've been texting back and forth since, and I asked him to go backpacking later this month, but he said he had plans with his kids (he has teenagers) but we should have dinner. So we did. He knows what's up. I just think he's really hesitant and I'm interpreting it as "he no longer likes me," which is probably just insecurity - I don't know. I don't know how to date like this - the signs are completely wacked.
MissBee Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 So I had a dinner date with my ex last night. I’m not sure how it went, but it's not like he's all over me. We laughed and talked and he told me how he was at a point in his life where he wanted to settle down but was having trouble finding a girl that fit into his lifestyle (he’s a wildlife photographer and is always hiking and backpacking). Part of why I broke it off with him the first time was because logistically it was often difficult for us to get together for this very reason. It wasn’t a long dinner and I made sure to be the one to suggest leaving first (mainly because I was afraid he would suggest it). He didn’t want to have a second drink – but that’s not unusual for him and he had to drive a long way. When we left, we talked in the parking lot for a bit and he gave me a long hug, but no kiss. He moves REALLY SLOWLY in relationships (he did the first time), so that’s not necessarily a bad sign, but I took it as one. Then he said “we should get together and go hiking sometime.” Thing is - he had JUST told me a story over dinner of a date he went on with a girl he didn’t like. I asked him how he handled it and he said well, you know, I just said “we should get together and go hiking sometime.” UGH! I think the bottom line is this: I’ve been friend-zoned and he knows I’m interested so he has the power. He’s likely wary because his past experience with me was not good. We only dated 3 months, had sex once, and then I ditched him. If I don’t hear from him in the next couple days, should I just write him off? I feel like if I spend time with him I can show him how we are compatible and things can be different this time. I was planning on going hiking this weekend and thought I might text him in a couple days and ask him if he wants to go with me. Is that coming on too strong? Should I continue to ask him to do things with me? Can you force your way out of the friend zone by just spending time with someone? God, hindsight is 20/20 - I hate for this to be the one that got away. You can't force someone to see you as more than they see you as. You shouldn't want that IMO. Good relationships are where the other person wants you as much as you want them and not where you are coercing them into it. It doesn't sound like he's interested in more, unfortunately, but you can ask him out again and see what happens. If he keeps agreeing and increases actions to show he is interested then great but if he declines or agrees but it seems friendly, I'd leave it at that. That's me anyway. I have never been the type who tries to get a man to like me. I figure he does or he doesn't and if he doesn't, his loss lol . Because I feel like if a man doesn't like you that much it may be possible for you to be around and he finally gives in but it will always be uneven or you'll be insecure about it later on.
Author waiting4u Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 You can't force someone to see you as more than they see you as. You shouldn't want that IMO. Good relationships are where the other person wants you as much as you want them and not where you are coercing them into it. It doesn't sound like he's interested in more, unfortunately, but you can ask him out again and see what happens. If he keeps agreeing and increases actions to show he is interested then great but if he declines or agrees but it seems friendly, I'd leave it at that. That's me anyway. I have never been the type who tries to get a man to like me. I figure he does or he doesn't and if he doesn't, his loss lol . Because I feel like if a man doesn't like you that much it may be possible for you to be around and he finally gives in but it will always be uneven or you'll be insecure about it later on. This is such great advice. I don't think I'm going to pursue it any longer. I'm comparing his behavior to when we first dated and it's like night and day. I feel like I'm pursuing him instead of vice versa. I mean, I can't really say "hey, I'm different now. Give me a chance" ffs that's just pathetic. I don't want someone that doesn't want me. It's just rejection SUCKS so much. Especially because this guy really knows me and I feel like I'm being judged on the past rather than the present. Plus I've done a lot of dating and this guy is actually a great catch. There's a bigger reason for all of it I guess.
soccerrprp Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 This is such great advice. I don't think I'm going to pursue it any longer. I'm comparing his behavior to when we first dated and it's like night and day. I feel like I'm pursuing him instead of vice versa. I mean, I can't really say "hey, I'm different now. Give me a chance" ffs that's just pathetic. I don't want someone that doesn't want me. It's just rejection SUCKS so much. Especially because this guy really knows me and I feel like I'm being judged on the past rather than the present. Plus I've done a lot of dating and this guy is actually a great catch. There's a bigger reason for all of it I guess. Yeah, if he knows you as well as you say, then he should recognize what a great catch YOU are, right? He should be showing clear signs of interest or pursue you. Yes, yes, you are the one who dumped him, but it seems clear to me that you want something more, right? Anyway, he also has the right to remember the past. I would pull back and lesson expectations. You messed up, but did you? In hind-sight, easy to say that you did, but he didn't give you what you needed at the time.
Author waiting4u Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 Yeah, that's a good point, although I doubt anyone could have given me "what I needed" at the time. I AM a great catch. And yeah, he should know it! Thanks for the reminder.
Author waiting4u Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 Would a candid conversation with him be appropriate? I hate to lose him as a friend . . . I don't know - something like "you don't seem interested in anything romantic, so can we just go back to being friends?"
smuggy95 Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 if you guys managed to stay friends after all that history, then i think a candid conversation would not hurt anything.
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