Why does it mainly takes getting caught/discovered to know it's wrong to cheat?

[sidney2718]

From my experience of once getting cheated on long ago and reading stories about cheaters and affairs, very few actually come forward and confess out of guilt and free will.

 

Most of the times either they have to be caught (in my case, he was literally caught in the act), discovered through other sources or someone else telling you, contacting a private investigator, buying a keylogger, etc and once they have nothing else to say, that's when they will ask for a second chance, mentioned how much they love you and are sorry.

 

If they confess, it's usually because the other spouse already suspected it or knows it and was waiting to be informed (in this situation, the cheater was practically caught anyways) or their spouse was going to find out about it. It's rarely a real confession without fearing getting caught and the spouse being totally clueless about it. It seem getting found out is practically the only factor that makes the cheater regret it, reconsider what they did and start thinking about what made them fall in love with the BS.

 

Maybe we are looking at this the wrong way. Clearly it is not wrong to cheat, it is wrong to get caught.

 

Why do I say this? Because so many cheat and so few are caught. Something drives husbands and wives to cheat. Perhaps it is a biological imperative, very few species mate for life. Or perhaps it is the excitement, the knowing that one can still attract others of the opposite sex. But no matter what the reason, it does happen a lot.

 

Further, many really hope to keep their marriages going throughout an affair and after. Many, if forced to chose, prefer their spouse rather than the other person. This is another "fact" that I don't understand.

 

And maybe it is that over time what was new and exciting becomes old and habitual. And people change with time. The studly young man with the great body becomes and balding chap with a beer belly. And certainly having children changes the focus of a marriage.

 

Editbee, I think you've raised a very interesting question of major importance.

[sidney2718]

Because the affair is “free” until they are caught. “What they don’t know won’t hurt them.” The problem then is getting caught, not the affair. Some cheaters even rationalize they are respecting their spouse by being extremely careful not to get caught.

 

What I will never understand is the extreme effort some WS put into R. If their marriage was that important to them, why did they take even the slightest chance of getting caught?

 

Perhaps it is the excitement of the reconciliation that makes the extreme effort worth while?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Everyone knows it is wrong. We all do "wrongs" for various reasons, and have ways of rationalizing it to ourselves.

 

First, there is the belief that they won't get caught. If no one finds out, then no one gets hurt. How many people would get involved in an affair if they knew they would get caught? This is the #1 common denominator in affairs.

 

Second, is what I call the slow fade. The cheater inches the line a little at a time. A series of many small moral compromises. Poor boundaries makes it even easier to make compromises. Here's my WW's progression:

Talk at work

Talk more at work

Flirt at work

Group lunches with co-workers (across street)

Just the two of them having lunch during work (across street)

Go out drinking with co-workers after work

Go out drinking with just the two of them after work

Seeing each other outside of work on days off

Going on daytime "dates"

Going on nighttime "dates"

EA escalates

Sexual tension escalates: kissing, groping, full on sex

 

All the while denial escalates. Red flags are ignored because it is FUN. The hormones are pumping. The ego is being stroked. It is exciting!

 

All the meanwhile, the rationalization is being stepped up:

It's just lunch

It's just a few drinks

It's just two friends playing golf

It's just two friends talking

We're just friends doing...

It's just....

It's just ....

 

Then it becomes

My husband is too....

My marriage is not like it used to be...

Re-write marital history

My AP makes me feel ....

Am I really happy being married....

Did I really marry the right person...

I need this affair in order to know ....

Magnify AP's positive traits and compare them to Husband's magnified negative traits.

 

My wife is not a sociopath, therefore she could not handle the stress of living a double life. She had became a person that she despised: an adulterer, cheater, and a liar. She did not want to be a "divorcee", especially in her 20's. She broke it off once it became too much to bear; and I was broaching the subject of divorce. I guess to say that the combination of the two cleared the fog for her.

 

She has told me too many times for me to count that during her affair that she was not thinking clearly. She acted solely on emotions. I interpret it as the "affair fog" that is often described on here.

[dichotomy]

This was true in the case with my WH too. He did not feel or show signs of real remorse until 1 year from last NC with MOW. He does have many confirmed traits of a character disorder.

 

Partial interview with Dr. George Simon, Author of the book - "Character Disturbance (CD): the phenomenon of our age".

 

You have to understand that CDs don’t play by the regular rules, so trying to reach consensus with them and exhausting yourself trying to get them to “see” the unhealthiness of their ways is pointless. I have a rhyme I like to use — “it’s not that they don’t see, it’s that they disagree.”

 

Character disordered people are not stupid people. They’re contrary people. They know what the generally accepted rules are, they know what most people’s expectations are. But they haven’t made the decision in their heart to play by the rules most of us want them to play by.That’s a matter of the heart.

 

Trying to reason with them to examine their behavior assumes something that is patently untrue. It assumes that what they need is insight. I make that point in my book. We live under this delusion. Therapists do this all the time! They think they are going to be the person who says just the right thing in just the right way, so that this time a light bulb is going to go off in this person’s mind and all of a sudden — they will understand and “see” the error of their ways! The problem is, they already understand!

 

It’s not that the disturbed character doesn’t know what they’re doing and what damage comes from it. If the wounded party is crying their heart out and is miserable, it’s not like you don’t know what you’ve done and what an effect it has had! It’s right there. They already see this but disagree with the notion that they should conform their conduct and work to make amends.

 

They’ll change only when the cost of their behavior rises too high, the benefits of doing something different becomes more clear, that’s when they’ll change. It’s not that people can’t or won’t change. It’s under what circumstances they’ll be motivated to change. What you need to do if you’re in a relationship with someone like this is set those limits and enforce those boundaries.

 

You must set the terms of engagement! You can’t trust the character-impaired person to do it. When there is a clear cost to continuing their crazy behavior, there will perhaps be some incentive to change.

[TheBladeRunner]

Cheating is NOT wrong according to my XW. I opted out of the "R" for the sheer fact that she didn't (and still doesn't 19 months later) that the A was the wrong path to take. Rugs are great because you can sweep stuff under them. It's unfortunate, but quite often (I hear) it takes the WS many years before ever really realizing what they did. I have a feeling my WS knew sooner as prince charming broke up with her 2 weeks after DDay. She is too proud, narcissistic, and selfish to ever admit that.

 

My buddies XW took 12 years to finally tell him that having an "A" was the worst thing she could have done and that it was the biggest mistake of her life. I will not be holding my breath for my XW. But she "cares".......or so she says;).

 

My point is that "getting caught" changes absolutely nothing in many cases; she still feels that she is justified and "deserves to be happy".

Edited January 21, 2014 by TheBladeRunner

[JamesM]

Red flags are ignored because it is FUN. The hormones are pumping. The ego is being stroked. It is exciting!

 

 

This is why many affairs start step by step because it is fun at each step.

All the meanwhile, the rationalization is being stepped up:

 

I would say that for many the rationalization started way before the affair started. Reasons such as bad marriages can be used by many because many have bad relationships and less than perfect spouses.

[road]

Why does it take getting caught to know it is wrong?

 

 

Duh!

 

 

The WS knows cheating was wrong before they started. They cheated anyway because they figured that they would not get caught.

[road]

Cheating is NOT wrong according to my XW. I opted out of the "R" for the sheer fact that she didn't (and still doesn't 19 months later) that the A was the wrong path to take. Rugs are great because you can sweep stuff under them. It's unfortunate, but quite often (I hear) it takes the WS many years before ever really realizing what they did. I have a feeling my WS knew sooner as prince charming broke up with her 2 weeks after DDay. She is too proud, narcissistic, and selfish to ever admit that.

 

My buddies XW took 12 years to finally tell him that having an "A" was the worst thing she could have done and that it was the biggest mistake of her life. I will not be holding my breath for my XW. But she "cares".......or so she says;).

 

My point is that "getting caught" changes absolutely nothing in many cases; she still feels that she is justified and "deserves to be happy".

 

 

Dr Harley has found that many a WW can recover their marriage and never show remorse.

[Daisy2013]

My MM knew it was wrong, yet wouldn't let me go. He knew...he asked me not to wear makeup because I looked better without it AND he feared it getting on his clothes (the real reason!), and he watched the clock to be sure he was home on time. He'd set the time as soon as we got together. Anytime he got nervous, or guilty he backed off, then came on strong again, he felt safe.

 

If you to go through all of this trouble, why bother? It's quicker to pay someone as needed than to carry on a 2 year plus affair!

[MuddyFootprints]

Why does it take getting caught to know it is wrong?

 

 

Duh!

 

 

The WS knows cheating was wrong before they started. They cheated anyway because they figured that they would not get caught.[/QUOTE]

 

Just because I do like being contrary to a certain extent... It is possible we do it knowing we will be caught.

[No Limit]

Cheaters don't regret cheating. They regret getting caught. Period.

 

The only difference a confessed affair would have to a surprisingly-discovered one to me would be that if he confessed, we might still have contact as in shallow "How are you"-distant-friends. Maybe even normal friends at time.

But that's it, and I'd have to seriously like that person's company to do even that.

[MuddyFootprints]

I respect your view and your opinion.

 

Getting caught is the least of my regrets. Period.

[peruano99]

It depends for a lot of people. Some just do it for the excitement, others because of problems, and others just do it because they don't care even if they get caught.

[waterwoman]

FWIW H told me that:

 

1. He didn't realise I'd be so upset. He didn't think he had the power to hurt anyone that much.

2. He never thought I'd find out.

3. He sometimes wanted to share with me what he felt for OW and what they talked about because he had always shared everything with me.

4. He felt he was denying all his principles and wasn't the 'good man' he always beleived himself to be.

 

All of which tend to contradict each other IMO.

 

Conclusion? He wasn't thinking clearly about anything very much and certainly didn't think through the consequences. He is as confused as me when we try and make sense of all that word spaghetti.

 

Second conclusion - if you are WS assume that you will at some point be discovered, try and imagine the consequences and decide if it's worth it.

[violet1]

I respect your view and your opinion.

 

Getting caught is the least of my regrets. Period.

 

I feel the same. I don't regret getting caught. I regret creating a sh*tty situation that my H and I have to deal with now. I'm actually glad in ways that I did get caught. I think there's way too many generalizations on this thread. Not all cheaters are the same.

[ladydesigner]

Why does it take getting caught to know it is wrong?

 

 

Duh!

 

 

The WS knows cheating was wrong before they started. They cheated anyway because they figured that they would not get caught.

 

I have to say that I did know cheating was wrong before, during and after my A. I did not get caught I confessed my A when I discovered my WH's 2nd A.

 

But as others have said each situation is different. I am happy that the truth about my A is out so we can deal with all the facts from both our A's. The devastation my A caused my WH is something I can never take away. It is awful

[underpants]

Why does it take cheating to make one realize they should have left a bad relationship sooner?

[janedoe67]

I answered this on the first page people. Geez....we don't feel sorry because we are pod people from the planet evil slut.

[ladydesigner]

I answered this on the first page people. Geez....we don't feel sorry because we are pod people from the planet evil slut.

 

This gave me a chuckle today