Why does it mainly takes getting caught/discovered to know it's wrong to cheat?

January 21, 2014

From my experience of once getting cheated on long ago and reading stories about cheaters and affairs, very few actually come forward and confess out of guilt and free will.

Most of the times either they have to be caught (in my case, he was literally caught in the act), discovered through other sources or someone else telling you, contacting a private investigator, buying a keylogger, etc and once they have nothing else to say, that's when they will ask for a second chance, mentioned how much they love you and are sorry.

If they confess, it's usually because the other spouse already suspected it or knows it and was waiting to be informed (in this situation, the cheater was practically caught anyways) or their spouse was going to find out about it. It's rarely a real confession without fearing getting caught and the spouse being totally clueless about it. It seem getting found out is practically the only factor that makes the cheater regret it, reconsider what they did and start thinking about what made them fall in love with the BS.

Edited January 21, 2014 by Editbee

January 21, 2014

Many are in an affair fog. They cannot see reality until they get slapped in the face.

Some do not really think they are doing wrong even when confronted. The confession is given so that they don't lose the spouse that they not only loved but see is better than the affair partner.

Some simply do not want to lose their life and family even though it is less than perfect.

Many reasons, but it does come down to the fact that many don't want to give up their affair life. They only do so when forced to.

January 21, 2014

Because the affair is “free” until they are caught. “What they don’t know won’t hurt them.” The problem then is getting caught, not the affair. Some cheaters even rationalize they are respecting their spouse by being extremely careful not to get caught.

What I will never understand is the extreme effort some WS put into R. If their marriage was that important to them, why did they take even the slightest chance of getting caught?

January 21, 2014

It's amazing to see that being selfish and only fearing getting caught is more naturally than having integrity and being honest if you messed up even if that means you're going to lose your spouse. This means most of them care about their own needs and satisfaction met first than their spouse's feelings.

Overall, this just makes the BS feel like garbage because if he/she wants to still work it out, that would just be a forced reconciliation and the affair would probably be going on if not caught nor found out.

Edited January 21, 2014 by Editbee

January 21, 2014

Pretty much what was said. They don't care. Truth is, they know all along what will happen if they cheat and get caught; they will hurt the people that love them and thought that they loved them back.

They are selfish and chose a selfish path, at the expense of other people. They do not care....maybe. that or, they have another problem.

But why are they sorry; why is there guilt, after so long enjoying screwing around their partner's back? To save face.

They won't to diminish what damage that they have done; and come out in a better light. Easy to be sorry for something once you are caught, and about to face judgment for their deeds....but, it is okay as long as they are not caught. There really is no sorry in it. Just an action to save their face.

January 21, 2014

This means most of them care about their own needs and satisfaction met first than their spouse's feelings.

Overall, most of us care about our own feelings. Period.

The BS cares about his or her feelings too. Not all of the time, but many times....the fact that both parties were selfish led to the setting for the affair. Poor marriages even if kept intact are the result many times of two people living their own lives or two people who put their own needs and feelings before that of their partners.

January 21, 2014

They won't to diminish what damage that they have done; and come out in a better light. Easy to be sorry for something once you are caught, and about to face judgment for their deeds....but, it is okay as long as they are not caught. There really is no sorry in it. Just an action to save their face.

True. I don't buy their ''Oh I'm so sorry, I love you'' sudden change of hearts. I mean how can you suddenly feel remorseful for something you were enjoying doing for a long while in just 1 day???

January 21, 2014

Overall, most of us care about our own feelings. Period.

I know but I wouldn't be able to lie and betray the one I love. I would feel like absolute trash if I had to come home, look at him in the eyes, say ''I love you'' and continue acting as if nothing happened.

January 21, 2014

We do it because we are filth, we are broken, or we are just plain sociopaths. None of us ever care and none of us are ever sorry. We are not fully human and the people we hurt have no flaws. We seek out chances to inflict pain and should be put down like rabid dogs. Our maybe we should just put ourselves down....

January 21, 2014

okay that's one vote - erm - like for putting ourselves down....do I hear two?

come on people - it's a public service!

January 21, 2014

We do it because we are filth, we are broken, or we are just plain sociopaths. None of us ever care and none of us are ever sorry. We are not fully human and the people we hurt have no flaws. We seek out chances to inflict pain and should be put down like rabid dogs. Our maybe we should just put ourselves down....

Well.....i got nothing.

January 21, 2014

okay that's one vote - erm - like for putting ourselves down....do I hear two?

come on people - it's a public service!

The like was for the sheer sarcasm of your post. Not for what was said in the post.

Look, I believe that most would feel a sense of 'bad,' after being caught. But what for? Themselves or the one they hurt? Judging from what I have read.....

I never said that they are less than human, lol, nor that their partners have no flaws.

; p

January 21, 2014

It doesn't take getting caught. We know it from the minute we jump off the cliff that its' wrong. We somehow feel that we deserve it.

January 21, 2014

I think the cheater knows it's wrong, but the benefits and pleasures outweigh the risks and ethical considerations - until they are discovered. Since 80-90% of affairs (especially short flings) are never discovered according to research I've seen, the tradeoffs may seem worth it.

January 21, 2014

I believe most cheaters know how absolutely wrong it is from the first inappropriate text, sext, flirt, and cup of coffee.

Otherwise, WHY KEEP IT SECRET?

What they do NOT realize until they are caught ( mostly because they refuse to think of it) is how devastated their BS and family will be and how harshly they will be judged.in the court of public opinion.

January 21, 2014

Overall, most of us care about our own feelings. Period.

Well we all care about our own feelings. Some of us just care more for the people we love. My children and my wifes welfare and feelings are more important to me than mine is.

January 21, 2014

I can only speak for myself. I just barely had a D Day a little over 24 hours ago. Everything is extremely fresh. I've always known that what I was doing was wrong. I was so angry and resentful of my husband, that I thought I was entitled to have an affair. I thought in my own mind that it was my turn to be selfish. I started to feel guilt, but I allowed myself to get too emotionally involved in the affair. Then I started to think "well as long as no one gets hurt, it's fine". I used all kinds of things to justify my A. It wasn't until I saw the pain in my husband's face and the tears roll from his eyes for me to see how wrong I was. I think we're most likely headed for D, but I want to help my BH deal with the pain as much as I can. I'm the one who put in where he's at, he deserves all the support I can possibly give him. I hope this doesn't trigger anyone, but I'm answering honestly from my experience.

January 21, 2014

Who can grow up today and not know that infidelity is wrong. This cannot be the genuine question. I suppose the real question is, why do people WAIT to get caught to wake up.

Yes, you got it. I don't see why it has to take getting caught to finally snap out of it and suddenly be very remorseful when you weren't when it was happening or during those days/months of pretending nothing happened. I don't get that logic. It makes me think that they would have never ended it had the affair been going great and if there weren't any chances of being discovered.

In addition, when they are finally caught and forced to come clean obviously, they then come up with several reasons and might even said that the affair meant nothing. So that means that all the effort it took for them to cheat was for nothing and the affair partner was used all along?? Now that doesn't even make any sense at all.

January 21, 2014

I don't think it's a lack of knowing right from wrong, or an inability to be a "good" person. In talking to family and friends dealing with the effects of an A, I've found the lack of logic most stunning. Just as an example: once the A was discovered, and my WW and I discussed separation, the thought never crossed her mind that if we divorced, her family would find out why. Apparently, I was just going to take the bullet for making the decision to leave her, without anyone knowing why. And that's just the tip of the illogical iceberg.

January 21, 2014

I can only speak for myself. I just barely had a D Day a little over 24 hours ago. Everything is extremely fresh. I've always known that what I was doing was wrong. I was so angry and resentful of my husband, that I thought I was entitled to have an affair. I thought in my own mind that it was my turn to be selfish. I started to feel guilt, but I allowed myself to get too emotionally involved in the affair. Then I started to think "well as long as no one gets hurt, it's fine". I used all kinds of things to justify my A. It wasn't until I saw the pain in my husband's face and the tears roll from his eyes for me to see how wrong I was. I think we're most likely headed for D, but I want to help my BH deal with the pain as much as I can. I'm the one who put in where he's at, he deserves all the support I can possibly give him. I hope this doesn't trigger anyone, but I'm answering honestly from my experience.

Thank you for sharing your story. You have to realize that if he wants to reconcile, it's going to probably take years for him to trust you again or he might not ever. He would need to understand that you're not remorseful only because you got caught and are faced with the reality of a possible divorce but because you truly mean it.

If he wants a D, then there isn't much to be done than to accept it.

January 21, 2014

Who can grow up today and not know that infidelity is wrong. This cannot be the genuine question. I suppose the real question is, why do people WAIT to get caught to wake up.

As long as they are IN an affair, they know its wrong, but as many suggest, they simply ignore their moral value system in favour of the incredible high they are getting having a SECRET affair.

They dont have to wake up just because BS finds out. A co-worker is just as threatening an issue to push someone to end an affair. Depending on the kind of affair, they might WANT to get caught. Really it depends on the circumstances behind (the motive and the story of the affair) that particular triangle.

You know some people dream of peeing, and wake up and find themselves in a pool of their own pee. I think you get the picture.

JamesM got it right in his replies to this thread - at least for some WS's

Some don't feel bad or think it’s wrong even after being caught. I know this first hand and struggled with it with my WW. It’s called Character Disorder. Also some people live in denial or justifications to avoid guilt or remorse - many examples of this in history.

It took years - after NC and some tough therapy for her to feel bad or admit it was wrong to be involved with married men.

Edited January 21, 2014 by dichotomy

January 21, 2014

Some people do end an affair out of guilt, a sense of remorse for what they are doing to their spouse, or because they realize how risky it is or realize this is not the kind of person they want to be. Some know it's wrong to cheat, but believe they will never be caught, and have a "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" perspective. Some don't believe they are doing something wrong, or they justify it to themselves that because their spouse is such a *fill in the blank*, they are entitled to cheat. Some just feel a sense of entitlement to cheat, whether it be from cultural factors, a personality disorder, or learned behavior from a parent. It is unfortunate that many don't consider the pain it will cause until the affair is discovered and they see the reaction of their spouse and family. I think the vast majority don't believe they will be caught, so they don't believe there will be pain involved.

January 21, 2014

Some people do end an affair out of guilt, a sense of remorse for what they are doing to their spouse, or because they realize how risky it is or realize this is not the kind of person they want to be. Some know it's wrong to cheat, but believe they will never be caught, and have a "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" perspective. Some don't believe they are doing something wrong, or they justify it to themselves that because their spouse is such a *fill in the blank*, they are entitled to cheat. Some just feel a sense of entitlement to cheat, whether it be from cultural factors, a personality disorder, or learned behavior from a parent. It is unfortunate that many don't consider the pain it will cause until the affair is discovered and they see the reaction of their spouse and family. I think the vast majority don't believe they will be caught, so they don't believe there will be pain involved.

This is very spot on for me. My exMOM and I lived in a fantasy world. We always said that we won't get caught. We discussed D Days and how we thought we'd react to them. Now, it's happened, at least on my end. I reacted in a way I didn't expect.

January 21, 2014

They know but either they don't care or have a serious victim complex and think they are the wrong ones.

January 21, 2014

JamesM got it right in his replies to this thread - at least for some WS's

Some don't feel bad or think it’s wrong even after being caught. I know this first hand and struggled with it with my WW. It’s called Character Disorder. Also some people live in denial or justifications to avoid guilt or remorse - many examples of this in history.

It took years - after NC and some tough therapy for her to feel bad or admit it was wrong to be involved with married men.

This was true in the case with my WH too. He did not feel or show signs of real remorse until 1 year from last NC with MOW. He does have many confirmed traits of a character disorder.

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Why does it mainly takes getting caught/discovered to know it's wrong to cheat?

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