hippetyhop Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 (edited) Just pondering some questions for those who initiated a break: Why did you initiate it? Did you feel smothered, arguing, things going on in life that you just needed space? Did you end up contacting them? If so, what made you go back to that person? Were you scared to initiate contact? If not, did you just part ways and let that be that? Edited January 21, 2014 by hippetyhop
xUnknown Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Just pondering some questions for those who initiated a break: Why did you initiate it? Did you feel smothered, arguing, things going on in life that you just needed space? Did you end up contacting them? If so, what made you go back to that person? If not, did you just part ways and let that be that? I'll answer for my ex.... she initiated it. She needed space. New job, moved away from home, no friends, pushed everyone away, self esteem issues, wasn't happy with herself. Contacted 2 weeks after the "break" to end it. I went NC. Came back 3.5 months later begging. Things still in the air now. Very minimal contact (on her end, just to see where I'm at and if I want to try again). We're now about 4.5 months post BU. If you were on the receiving end of the break, don't take it. There are no breaks. I wish I stood my ground. But you (like myself) agreed...so here is what you need to do. Start moving on. Go NC, they wanted a break, so give it to them. Show them what its like to not have you around. Don't hold out hope. Breaks are just an easy way of breaking up with someone. It eases the both of you into it, instead of an immediate cut-off. It gets better. NC is meant for healing.
Philosoraptor Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 A break is most often made for the "breaker" to test the water, or because they are too chicken to just end the relationship. Regardless, you'd be best to work on yourself as if the relationship will never reunite as not to waste time waiting around for what equates to a maybe. 1
Author hippetyhop Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 A break is most often made for the "breaker" to test the water, or because they are too chicken to just end the relationship. Regardless, you'd be best to work on yourself as if the relationship will never reunite as not to waste time waiting around for what equates to a maybe. That is what I'm trying to do--but I kind of just want to see where the "breakers" stand. Just some general harmless questions
Author hippetyhop Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 I'll answer for my ex.... she initiated it. She needed space. New job, moved away from home, no friends, pushed everyone away, self esteem issues, wasn't happy with herself. Contacted 2 weeks after the "break" to end it. I went NC. Came back 3.5 months later begging. Things still in the air now. Very minimal contact (on her end, just to see where I'm at and if I want to try again). We're now about 4.5 months post BU. If you were on the receiving end of the break, don't take it. There are no breaks. I wish I stood my ground. But you (like myself) agreed...so here is what you need to do. Start moving on. Go NC, they wanted a break, so give it to them. Show them what its like to not have you around. Don't hold out hope. Breaks are just an easy way of breaking up with someone. It eases the both of you into it, instead of an immediate cut-off. It gets better. NC is meant for healing. Thank you for the insight. I'm definitely not contacting him. I told him that "if everything is okay, its the end; if its not okay, its not the end". He told me its not the end. Right now, I'm taking everything he said with a grain of salt and looking forward to moving on. I know he's going through some things, but it doesn't mean he needs to push me away. I can at least reassure myself that when he had issues he was facing when we were speaking, I gave my best attempt to try to be there for him and giving him his space (i.e.-- if he said he didn't walk to discuss issues at work, I didn't press it. I told him when he's ready to tell me, then he can). Would you ever give it another go?
Philosoraptor Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 That is what I'm trying to do--but I kind of just want to see where the "breakers" stand. Just some general harmless questions While I'd like to believe you. The question begs of someone looking for hope, not someone committed to moving on or asking harmless questions. In fact, I answered this recently: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/455382-do-breaks-really-exist-2.html#post5468375
Author hippetyhop Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 While I'd like to believe you. The question begs of someone looking for hope, not someone committed to moving on or asking harmless questions. In fact, I answered this recently: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/455382-do-breaks-really-exist-2.html#post5468375 Well, you don't have to believe me if you do not want to as I'm not expecting anything from him. Can you direct where I can ask harmless questions? I thought that was the purpose of a forum....
d0nnivain Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I never believed in "breaks" If you want to fix the relationship, talk about the problem & work it out. If it can't be fixed, end the relationship. I broke up with people for various reasons: * he wouldn't commit * he lied to me * he wasn't a good long term prospect * I found my eye wandering too much. (I think it's OK to look but I was starting to want much more that I was OK with if I had truly been committed to my partner at the time) * he constantly accused me of cheating when I wasn't (he was very insecure)
xUnknown Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Thank you for the insight. I'm definitely not contacting him. I told him that "if everything is okay, its the end; if its not okay, its not the end". He told me its not the end. Right now, I'm taking everything he said with a grain of salt and looking forward to moving on. I know he's going through some things, but it doesn't mean he needs to push me away. I can at least reassure myself that when he had issues he was facing when we were speaking, I gave my best attempt to try to be there for him and giving him his space (i.e.-- if he said he didn't walk to discuss issues at work, I didn't press it. I told him when he's ready to tell me, then he can). Would you ever give it another go? My ex said that this wasn't the end too...just needed time to herself to clear her head. Then 2 weeks later she ended it. Take take the "break" as a break-up from day 1. You'll thank yourself in the long run. She came back mid December. I told her that sometime in Jan I'd be in touch with her. A few texts since when she came back (christmas/new years) Last weekend we texted a little (no more than 4 one way) about being in contact next weekend when she comes home. We may get together and "catch up". I don't know. The only real way to see if she's made any chances is by talking to her. I have to see if she's being genuine or just faking it and putting up a front. I will only be able to know by talking to her. So I think that is what I'm going to do. Stay single, minimal contact and see what happens. Sure, I love her - but I know my therapist would completely disapprove of us getting back together. We were a great couple, that had some bumps and communication issues. Never any cheating or anything like that. We ended in the most amicable way possible.
Saurren Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Just pondering some questions for those who initiated a break: Why did you initiate it? Did you feel smothered, arguing, things going on in life that you just needed space? Did you end up contacting them? If so, what made you go back to that person? Were you scared to initiate contact? If not, did you just part ways and let that be that? I initiated breaks because I was young and irrational and now I know better than to be to one doing the hurting. I'd rather be on the receiving end because it doesn't hurt as much as doing the breaking up. Hope this gives you a little insight to your question.
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 She cheated. Thus, I broke up with her. No, I never bothered with contact.. .it wouldn't have erased anything or fixed what was done....
Author hippetyhop Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 Thanks for the all the responses. I've never been in this position of back/forth breaks, and didn't know how things stood, or what how people think during this time. I'm not going to be sitting around waiting for him; we ended amicably and he knows the door is open to talk. I wouldn't dive back into a r/s with him until we talk and he clues me in as to what is going on.
chris21422 Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I did it before and it was the biggest mistake of my life..
Ruby Slippers Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I don't believe in "breaks", either. I broke up with my ex in January 2013 because I felt unloved and unappreciated. We'd been together for 6 months and he still hadn't said I love you, and was generally not emotionally expressive or romantic. He asked for a second chance a few months later, and when we got back together, he poured out a lot of emotions to me in a sincere way, and soon after said I love you. But he only said I love you maybe once a week, and while he was slightly more expressive when we got back together, he eventually reverted to being not expressive or romantic again. Again, I felt unloved and unappreciated, so I broke up with him again in October. I really loved him and was wowed by him from the start. He wanted to get married and was taking clear steps toward that. It was very hard to break up with him, because he was a total "catch", and I was crazy about him. But without it reciprocated adequately, it made me too sad. We broke up amicably, both crying and expressing love, and though it's been sad letting go of the hopes I had for us, I feel confident I made the right decision. He asked if I was open to being friends, and I said yes. I have a lot of respect for him as a person, but I don't think we had true love between us. If we end up having any kind of friendship, I'll advise him to do what I intend to do - and that is to go for true love. Maybe I won't find it, but I know I won't be happy in a relationship without it, so it's a risk I'm willing to take.
pickflicker Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I've never done a break, just a break up. I've initiated it because I didn't want to be with them anymore, and no, I've never gone back.
Babolat Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 (edited) Ruby and I have similar stories. I broke up with my ex March 2013 for various reason, #1 was too much drinking and partying, which turned out to be a sympton of being irresponsbile, no self control, how she delt with anxiety, going thru a life transition, etc. We dated for 12 months. After 8 months she came back to me to ask to date again. She had done a lot of self work, and I could see it. She had cut way back on her drinking and offered compromises for actions and behaviors that bothered me when we dated. Her heart was in it, 110%, and she was ready to fully commit. After about 2 months of dating again though, I finally realized drinking prior, was a sympton, not the root cause of my concerns. She has little self control, she has made a lot of poor life choices, still does, she is irresponsbile, dysfunctional, etc. She had no parents growing up, she was tossed from family member, to friends, to neighbors throughout her childhood. It's a very sad and tragic story. She had no one to teach her morals, structure, self control, etc. I think I was hanging in so long as I thought I could fix her, or she could fix her. I thought I could be her role model. And to a degree she even told me this. What I finally realized is there are millions of folks with her story, who, have turned out OK. At 43, with 4 failed engagements, I just don't think she has healed and done the necessary work to be relationship healthy. She is not some crazy wild child. For how she was raised, she is amazing. She has an incredible support sytem around her, friends and family. She was "my catch" too. I just could not see us living together, day to day, making decisions, choices and the like, as there would be too much contention, too much anxiety for me. I am very much in love with her, she is otherwise amazing, and most likely my other half. And yes, it's sad to let go, a 2nd time, but I have to, for her and for me. Edited January 21, 2014 by Babolat 2
Ruby Slippers Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 And yes, it's sad to let go, a 2nd time, but I have to, for her and for me. Sorry to hear that But hey, if I can move on from such an important relationship that affected me so much, so can you.
rosedl Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 It is a way to test the waters and gain courage for the final break up. It is a way of having your cake and eating it too. Think about it. Most people probably have some vacillation about breaking up with someone but think that they want the break up. What better solution (for the dumper) to keep one toe in with a 'break' until they feel emotionally ready to be entirely out. In rare circumstances where there is a very specific issue and time frame, I think breaks could be helpful, if they are truly being used for that purpose. Otherwise, they are a coward's way out. It is a cruel thing to do to the other person, it extends hope, it leaves them in a weird limbo and no man's land and it totally disregards their needs. I will never do a break again and put myself in the vulnerable position of keeping my heart open to someone who is just working on finding a final way to shut me out. Better a break up. 1
Babolat Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 In rare circumstances where there is a very specific issue and time frame, I think breaks could be helpful, if they are truly being used for that purpose. This kind of happened in my case. I was the dumper, post break up she would give me updates on how she was working on herself, we'd meet up, spend a day or two together, end with her stating she needed more time. All the while I was not ready to date her again a anyway. After 8 months she came back and said she was ready, had made changes, missed me, and wanted to try again. We never had a plan, at least I did not, and one was never formaally discussed. I think in her head the plan was for her to work on herself, make changes for her, then come back. The surface issues I had with her are gone. And, she changed for her. The deep rooted ones are still present. I want to look past them or accept them, I am havinbg a very difficult time doing that though. It's not fair for me to continue to ask her "whY" she does what she does or "why" she makes the choices she does. I realized that this weekend, and, have decided to let her go; let her find a man sho does not care about "that stuff". She is who she is. She is not a bad person, at all. We are just different in how we make choices, probably have different morals at outrcore, what we see as right and wrong, good and bad.
Author hippetyhop Posted January 22, 2014 Author Posted January 22, 2014 Wow, what an overwhelming amount of replies, and the varieties of scenarios. I guess it turns out that each situation is just a bit different and can possible break down to the root of the initial break. Babolat- what exactly of her actions are you questioning if she's been improving herself? Or, are you just not trustworthy because of past actions?
xUnknown Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 are you just not trustworthy because of past actions? If this is the case, it was doomed to fail from the beginning. One has to completely let go and forget the old relationship - because it is a NEW relationship, with a "different", changed person.
Babolat Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Babolat- what exactly of her actions are you questioning if she's been improving herself? Or, are you just not trustworthy because of past actions? I do have some trust issues because of past actions while we dated, and since we dated (while we were apart). In addition there are compatability concerns for me.
Babolat Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 If this is the case, it was doomed to fail from the beginning. One has to completely let go and forget the old relationship - because it is a NEW relationship, with a "different", changed person. Agreed, to a point. In my case, I discovered the change she made, was really just a symptom for other issues I had, which are still present for me.
rosedl Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Agreed, to a point. In my case, I discovered the change she made, was really just a symptom for other issues I had, which are still present for me. My ex framed everything in the light of my issues. The things he supposedly owned were how I could not meet his needs in a specific area and if he could tolerate it. Meanwhile, he held the double standard that it was up to ME to meet my needs and had zero tolerance of any behavior that did not reflect this expectation. He made mountains out of mole hills, wouldn't forgive or move past stuff with me and then stated we would ALWAYS fight (we didn't always fight, it is just he never let anything go and even if I thought he had, it would pop up and be thrown in my face sometime down the line). I owned my issues. I looked at the core demons I face, not superficial stuff. Then, during the process of me doing this work and going into a lot of past grief work, he distanced himself because he didn't want to deal with that either. I didn't even go to him with most of it. I went to supportive friends. And, then, he would act as if I put it all on him. The very act of my experiencing it, even separately and apart from him, was a burden on him. In the end, it was just selfishness. He was worried he wouldn't have enough time for himself. He was worried he needed to much space. He was worried about him, him, him, him, him. He couldn't do an us. He is in his fifties and he will most likely die alone. You don't solve relationship problems by giving one person homework and expect them to meet your needs. It will not work. Relationship issues need to move us closer to our own struggles so we can see where the demons hide and then, we recognize and move forward in a stronger place. He couldn't bear it. The natural process that happens with this in a relationship, he resented it, and he did not want to look at it. He wanted to ski.
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