msbettyb Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 I can't believe I have been so stupid, I actually thought this guy cared for me. Well, I found out a guy that I had been seeing and also had what I thought was a good friendship with was married but with all his begging I continued to see him, I found out in 2003 and up to now I knew it would'nt be right but I guess i thought I needed him. Well a phone call on sunday from the wife revealed that they were divorcing and had a second child, a 2 year old. He never told me. I mean we talk everyday, his family calls me regularly since they found out about me but never did they mention the kid or the fact that he had moved out. I just don't know what to do. I trusted this guy, we have be friends for over 13 years and lovers for about 7 we talked about everything, I guess mabey I did. I was furious when the wife said they have a 2 year old it seemed after she said that me telling her the whole story really was'nt needed. When she asked me was I seeing him, I don't know it was something in her voice, I just could'nt bring myself to tell her that we were just together the night before, have a 7 year old that she knows nothing about and that I have been seeing him throughout her whole marriage. I was enraged finding out from her, not him, that they have another child, but I don't know. At that point I could have told all and hurt him like he hurt me but I denied us being together, I just thought about me in her shoes and how would I feel. Okay, someone tell me I'm stupid, tell me I'm weak and allowed this man to get over on me. I have never been so hurt in my life. I feel like a part of me is gone. I just don't understand how I could have sunk so low to even continue seeing him after I found out he was married and then for him to have another baby whom his sister and family say isn't his and that him and the wife had issues about but the point is he never even told me. He claims he did'nt tell me he was married because he did'nt want to loose me but now I don't know what to think. It seems like all the sacrificing is coming from my end and that I'm protecting him, our son is a secret and we still don't openly talk about it but I talk with his family. My best friend says I should cut all of them off. His wifes friend who also happens to be someone I know called me and asked was I having sex with this guy, I felt so violated, but again I denied it. Why did'nt I just tell? I am hurting right now bad, I don't think I can cry anymore I swear I don't know what to do, I mean it's over I know, but this pain in my heart is bad. I spoke with him and he says he needs to sort things out, he still cares about me and all, but how much pain is one person allowed to bring, he is wrong, why won't he just tell me the truth and walk out, why does this have to be so hard? I feel so disrespected, last night he called and said he would call me back in 10 minutes he knows I want answers, I waited he never called. Please, if anyone could just give me some insight, I am not a bad person, but I need some help with the getting on with my life part. Thank you
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 He was leading a double life, plain and simple. There is no reason to beat yourself up over things that you can't change. You can't change the past, you can't undo what was done. Agonizing over what could/should have been done is not going to help. Do not punish yourself for things that are already said and done. What you can do is take the steps toward working for what will work best for all parties involved. Not only will the women hurt, there are kids involved now too. And extended family. No one will win in this situation. This is not about winning. Its about making the best of a horrible mess. I think the first step will be to secure yourself a good counselor and try to get your head and heart together. Through that process, it will become necessary to blow the lid off and start telling the truth. You and your child do not deserve to be the "dirty secret". The wife needs to know about you just as much as you needed to know about her. She doesn't deserve to be in the dark. She will need to talk to someone too. Steps will be needed to assure that all the kids are taken care of in this situation. You and the wife are the ones who should be taking assertive action here instead of letting the husband continue to keep you both under such conditions. He needs to be exposed before he brings more pain on his wife and their children and you and your child. Then, all parties can begin digging out from the wreckage and begin a healing process.
BoatingBabe Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 I say expose the dog. He has hurt you and the wife, and he gets to walk away scot free? no friggin way....that is not justice and you know it...He needs to feel the pain too, I don't see why you'd protect him after all this. If nothing is said, he'll continue this and go to hurt more and more people...I say SING!
Leaf Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 wait wait wait.... You are mad because he kept the fact he has a 2year old with the W, but he also has a 7 year old with you that she knows nothing about? Why is it a stretch that if he lies to her about things (my god, how do you lie about a child...) and then turns around and lies to you about the same thing. You said your son is a secret and you dont openly talk about it? What does that mean? His family knows about you? I'm confused. How can you allow anyone to invalidate your child? Dump him, tell the truth to everyone, and make sure he cares for your child financially.
hooghie Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by Leaf wait wait wait.... You are mad because he kept the fact he has a 2year old with the W, but he also has a 7 year old with you that she knows nothing about? Why is it a stretch that if he lies to her about things (my god, how do you lie about a child...) and then turns around and lies to you about the same thing. You said your son is a secret and you dont openly talk about it? What does that mean? His family knows about you? I'm confused. How can you allow anyone to invalidate your child? Dump him, tell the truth to everyone, and make sure he cares for your child financially. Exactly. This guy is scum- I'm not saying that because he cheated, I'm saying that because he is soooo selfish- specially regarding his children. Just like Leaf said, come clean, let everyone know, and get the support you need. Your child is innocent here and deserves to be acknowledged.
msbettyb Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 I know this situation is bad but I chose to keep things the way they are with his dad, not the mm for my own reasons of course. His family had seen pics of my son and put it together. I just met them last year and right now am mad with them for not telling me he had another child, I feel like I was played. And yes it seems like I'm letting him get away with murder by not telling the wife but I need to sort this out and figure what I need to do. I broke down and called him and just told him that after all of this time I deserve answers and for myself I want closure and he agreed but he was like "just give me a couple of days then we'll talk" I don't know if this is good or bad. I just want to stop hurting, as I said he was'nt just a lover we were friends too. I told him I was p.o.and I felt like his family thought I was a fool and that they never liked me they were just phony and that I wanted no more parts of them, I just feel like I should be doing something, but mabey I've matured and right now telling the wife the whole story does'nt seem to be an option anymore. I'm not contacting him anymore so I can get my head straight. I guess later this week he wants to talk, I'm scared because I can't be hurt anymore, so should I listen to what he has to say? Thanks in advance for the replies, it feels good that people you don't even know good or bad replies care enough to listen.
Mr Spock Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 I agree with LB it's less of an "affair" and more of a double life.... The best thing to do is to stop answering your phone. Accept no more communication from him or her for a little while anyways.....
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