squidneeeyz Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Please, I need help with this. In the beginning of my relationship I made the treacherous mistake of telling my boyfriend about me giving oral to another guy, as I took it not very seriously and told him lots of details, it really got to him. It's been four months now and he still thinks about it. It gets to him and the cycle will never stop. He tried to do research and such but it just hasn't helped. Today he told me there's a chance it could go away with no other choice, but to break up with me. We love each other. We do. I've lost my virginity to him and he has literally changed my world for the better. He feels the same, and he also lost his virginity to me. His sexual experience with other girls has happened, but not in recent years and he has not experienced oral until he was with me. I don't want this to end on a note like this. We both still have strong, strong feelings for each other and we will only break up so he may have a chance to remove those thoughts in his head. But it'll really wreck me. I probably sound all emotional, but I love this guy. I want him to get better, but does it really have to end in order for him to stop the thought process? He seems he can't take it no more.
Haydn Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Yes i guess it was a mistake. not everyone, however secure wishes to know lurid details.....How did it crop up in conversation?? But having said that, the insecurity will kill the RS. My ex was enraged if a movie star appeared on the screen. If you have strong feelings for each other then i would not mention it again and try to move on. If he keeps asking about it then you will tire yourself out by defending yourself and twisting the original version until he finally hears what he wants to hear. Trust is the key. Good luck. Please, I need help with this. In the beginning of my relationship I made the treacherous mistake of telling my boyfriend about me giving oral to another guy, as I took it not very seriously and told him lots of details, it really got to him. It's been four months now and he still thinks about it. It gets to him and the cycle will never stop. He tried to do research and such but it just hasn't helped. Today he told me there's a chance it could go away with no other choice, but to break up with me. We love each other. We do. I've lost my virginity to him and he has literally changed my world for the better. He feels the same, and he also lost his virginity to me. His sexual experience with other girls has happened, but not in recent years and he has not experienced oral until he was with me. I don't want this to end on a note like this. We both still have strong, strong feelings for each other and we will only break up so he may have a chance to remove those thoughts in his head. But it'll really wreck me. I probably sound all emotional, but I love this guy. I want him to get better, but does it really have to end in order for him to stop the thought process? He seems he can't take it no more.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Please, I need help with this. In the beginning of my relationship I made the treacherous mistake of telling my boyfriend about me giving oral to another guy, as I took it not very seriously and told him lots of details, it really got to him. It's been four months now and he still thinks about it. It gets to him and the cycle will never stop. He tried to do research and such but it just hasn't helped. Today he told me there's a chance it could go away with no other choice, but to break up with me. We love each other. We do. I've lost my virginity to him and he has literally changed my world for the better. He feels the same, and he also lost his virginity to me. His sexual experience with other girls has happened, but not in recent years and he has not experienced oral until he was with me. I don't want this to end on a note like this. We both still have strong, strong feelings for each other and we will only break up so he may have a chance to remove those thoughts in his head. But it'll really wreck me. I probably sound all emotional, but I love this guy. I want him to get better, but does it really have to end in order for him to stop the thought process? He seems he can't take it no more. How old are you both? He seems to be making a really big deal out of something that has nothing to do with him. It's very unfair that he's judging you for this when he's been sexually intimate with girls before you. You can't change this - only he can. I personally couldn't stay with a guy who became fixated on my past. 1
Author squidneeeyz Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 It is still in topic because it is an almost OCD sort of problem. I would say it might be retroactive jealousy, though he doesn't feel jealous. The thoughts can't go away, and like I said, he has tried. Now he's just starting to think he'll stop thinking these things by leaving me, which he has said over and over he knows he will just want to be back with me so I don't really know. We're both 18 in high school. We never knew each other in the past years in high school, we just met and instantly felt attraction. He's never had very much sexual experience like me. Apparently all he has really done is given pleasure to other girls and never received any. As I said before, I'm not giving up. I'm going to give him the best of my advice from you guys and deeper research. I just hope he makes the effort and not be impatient.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 It is still in topic because it is an almost OCD sort of problem. I would say it might be retroactive jealousy, though he doesn't feel jealous. The thoughts can't go away, and like I said, he has tried. Now he's just starting to think he'll stop thinking these things by leaving me, which he has said over and over he knows he will just want to be back with me so I don't really know. We're both 18 in high school. We never knew each other in the past years in high school, we just met and instantly felt attraction. He's never had very much sexual experience like me. Apparently all he has really done is given pleasure to other girls and never received any. As I said before, I'm not giving up. I'm going to give him the best of my advice from you guys and deeper research. I just hope he makes the effort and not be impatient. This doesn't make any sense and isn't a solution, unless he's looking for a way out of the relationship anyway. The type of obsessional thought patterns he's developing are not healthy. He either gets help or the relationship will wither away. When he thinks about it, what does he feel, exactly? Anger? Resentment? Jealousy? He's really going to struggle in the future if he doesn't address it now. If he one day dates another girl who has been sexually active with other men (which is very likely!) he will become a prisoner to his own thoughts.
FortunateSon Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Somethings are better left unsaid. Going into your sexual past in great detail is rarely beneficial in relationships. I would advise to avoid this in your next relationship.
Phantom888 Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 It's retro jealousy, and he needs therapy to get over it. it's not a big problem and there is help. But if ignored, it will break up relationships. I know from first hand experience.
Lady2163 Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Does your boyfriend think he will find another virgin who has no sexual past at all? The older he gets, the tougher that will be. I mean that question sincerely. He seems to think the only woman for him who has never done anything, and that is just not very reasonable. Plus, how will this new woman feel that he is "experienced" and didn't wait for her. He seems to want to cut his nose off to spite his face.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 We're both 18 in high school. A high school boyfriend of mine gave me absolute hell because I was his first but he was not mine. I think it's more common with younger, less mature, less experienced guys. If he wants to break up with you over it, let him go. What's done is done, and if he can't get over it, there's nothing you can do about it. Sorry P.S. It's almost never a good idea to go into detail when discussing previous sexual partners and experiences with a current partner. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 You are both young. You unfortunately are about to learn 2 painful lessons. 1). NEVER give any body details about your past. You can answer health Qs but no details It only causes problems & puts images in people's heads that become destructive. 2). You said you won't give up. Sadly that does not matter He already gave up. You can't change his warped mind. You are going to have to let him go. Given your fighting / can do spirit, you should sit him down one more time & tell him that you love him, that losing your virginity was & remains meaningful. Also remind him that now that you understand real lovemaking you were wrong about thinking oral wasn't significant. 2
Hopeful30 Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 You have to understand that it's not easy. He feels betrayed and the root of the problem isn't that you told him, it's that there is no trust. It's extremely difficult to regain trust when you feel its been broken. My current man did something similar (he didn't cheat, but he lied about something important to me) and even months later it still pops into my head from time to time. He promised never to lie again and be honest to me about everything, and I believe him - but that doesn't mean that I don't get insecure sometimes when he's in a similar situation. It's taking lots of effort on my part as well. Sometimes, and for some people, trust just can't be regained. Once it's broken, it's broken. If he decides to leave you, and you don't want it to be on bad terms, the mature thing to do is wish him well and thank him for the lovely time you spent together.
oldshirt Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 It's insecurity on his part and unfortunately it's not as simple as just telling someone, "don't be insecure." I'd bet my last dollar he would stop feeling this way and move on and enjoy life if he could. I'm almost 50 years old and have dated a lot, been married for almost 2 decades and have had a wide variety of sexual experiences. I honestly do not know what to tell you. He may be able to get over it and he may not. Some guys are simply not mature enough and do not have a developed enough sense of self worth to be able to handle hearing about their GF's past. There are heart wrenching stories of happily married couples with young children where one or the other completely loses respect and love for the other when they find out something about their partner's past. I can only advise two things - -one is if he breaks up with you, let him go gracefully. It's his problem, he needs to work it out. If he feels this strongly about it he will only badger you and make you feel bad and make you feel dirty and shamefull and no one has the right to do that to you. It's his problem. Don't let him make it your's. - the other is NEVER NEVER NEVER discuss your prior sexlife with anyone again! EVER!!!! this is not a fluke. This is how people react when they learn of their GF's/Wive's prior sexual experiences. They shouldn't feel that way or act that way but they do. sexuality is a very personal and private matter. Noone has a right to pry into your sex life or into your prior sexual experiences. What happens in your bedroom is your business and your business only. The only reason someone would ever ask you about your private business is so they can judge on for it...period. There is no other reason to ask someone about their personal matters. If people are concerned about STDs there are tests for that. Some people have very strong religious and cultural beliefs about virginity. if you encounter one of those all you need to do is check the nonvirgin box, no further details are needed. Keep your personal and private matters private from now until you die. This should be a good lesson to you that many people simply can not handle the truth. They will tell you that they can and they will promise on their mother's grave that they won't judge you for it but they will as sure as the sun rises in the morning. They will judge you as slutty and nasty if you say one act too many and will judge you as prudish and uptight and weak if you say one too few. you will never be right. Your only real option is not answer at all. It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought of as a slut/prude, than to open it and remove all doubt. A simple, "That is my personal business and no one else's," is all that you need to say. If someone has an issue with that then simply say, "NEXT!" 2
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