fatalcharm Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 ...But then he also said, "please give me guidance as I deal with ____" (me). Then it says something along the lines of "I am a sinner and need help" or something like that... He may have written that on a day that the two of you had a small argument or maybe you did something small that irritated him a little... When someone I care about does something to annoy me, and I know that it is petty that I am annoyed over such a trivial thing, I write them a letter and then throw the letter away and never let them see it. The way I see it, I need to get it out and vent but it is no use bringing it up with the person because it is such a trivial thing and it could cause an argument if I did bring it up. Some things just aren't worth it so I write it down on paper. Other than that, like others have said, it could be due to the fact that you are sleeping together and although he doesn't really feel that guilty about it, there might be a small part of him inside that does feel guilty and he is just writing a letter to God about it. Personally, I wouldn't worry too much. I actually think that it may be the first thing that I said, maybe you did something to annoy him that day (it happens to everyone, no matter how well you love and get along with the person) and he was just writing down his current thoughts on paper to vent, and then probably forgot about it 20 minutes later.
fujidabruin Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 I did something really bad. I was at my boyfriend's house today and I noticed a little notebook that had a drawing on the front. I've never known him to write or keep any sort of diary, but apparently that's kind of what it was. It only had a few pages written in it. Some was work stuff, but I saw where he had written a "letter" to god. In this letter, he asked for god to watch over his family. But then he also said, "please give me guidance as I deal with ____" (me). Then it says something along the lines of "I am a sinner and need help" or something like that. We have been dating for a year. He is super religious, I am not. When we first started dating, he was a virgin (we are both 24) and wanted to wait until marriage. I was fine with this and never pressured him otherwise. 5 months in, we ended up having sex. It was all him, he initiated it and wanted to even after I stopped him to make sure. Ever since then we have had a perfectly normal sex life. He is the one that initiates almost every night. He doesn't act guilty, he says he doesn't feel guilty. His religion has never been an issue - we don't fight about it, or even really talk about it. But now I read this in his diary. I don't even know what to think. Sorry, this is mostly a rant. I don't really have a question. Hey Mycteria, I wonder if the issue is really about a lack of communication more than anything. You have different beliefs and values with no discussion to understand each of your viewpoints. IMO I do not think a couple needs to be perfectly aligned with their beliefs but they do need to have an understanding of how they differ. Otherwise, the misunderstandings become huge rifts later. His comments that you read may be an example of this misunderstanding as well. He wrote things down confidentially and possibly in a very vulnerable state... so it is possible that what he felt in the moment was not typical for him. With this in mind, I do not think it will help you to analyze these comments instead of entering into a clear discussion with him. Good Luck
Snipercatt Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Your instincts are probably right. Also consider that he may be passive-aggressive and left that accesible for you to see, on purpose. Either way you're probably right to discontinue hsving sex with him.
Author Mycteria Posted January 22, 2014 Author Posted January 22, 2014 This really strikes me as a case of you being mad about how he said something, not what he actually said. I remember when you posted a while ago about him not having sex with you so at some point you were the one who finally made him crack through an entire childhood of religious indoctrination and finally start having sex. And it turns out you're insulted by that..... :confused: Are you just making this up off the top of your head? I did not "crack through" anything. It was HIS idea. If anything, he pushed me into it, and is still the initiator of almost all things sexual to this day. If you are referring to one post I made a long time ago, I was frustrated by him one night because he kept acting like he wanted to have sex and then stopping. I think that would frustrate anyone. I have never, EVER been upset because he would not have sex with me. Please stop making things up.
Author Mycteria Posted January 22, 2014 Author Posted January 22, 2014 He may have written that on a day that the two of you had a small argument or maybe you did something small that irritated him a little... When someone I care about does something to annoy me, and I know that it is petty that I am annoyed over such a trivial thing, I write them a letter and then throw the letter away and never let them see it. The way I see it, I need to get it out and vent but it is no use bringing it up with the person because it is such a trivial thing and it could cause an argument if I did bring it up. Some things just aren't worth it so I write it down on paper. Other than that, like others have said, it could be due to the fact that you are sleeping together and although he doesn't really feel that guilty about it, there might be a small part of him inside that does feel guilty and he is just writing a letter to God. I doubt it was because of an argument. He wrote it from an airport in Canada while he was on vacation. We were on great terms before he left, and weren't able to talk much while he was gone, so I really doubt he was mad at me. I think the second paragraph is likely.
Author Mycteria Posted January 22, 2014 Author Posted January 22, 2014 If you just innocently picked up a notebook, flipped through it, noticed that, and felt concerned....why not just bring it up and ask him about it? I haven't seen him since I saw it. That's kind of the point of this thread I guess. Should I just forget about it, and act like I never saw it? Or can I continue to date him in good conscience? I don't think I'll know the answer to that until I see him again.
GoreSP Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Yeah but you can't be sure if that's what he actually meant. Why did you read his diary anyway? That's a breach of trust. I also don't know how you'd bring this up, and talk to him about having read his diary... Also, is English his first language? I often word things poorly (and sometimes in a way that may be offensive) because English, although I speak it well, is not my first language. It's unintentional. I'll also add that, the only person supposed to read this is the person who wrote it. It may have been a lot faster to write 'help me while I deal with (name)' than to write a whole paragraph of what he means by 'dealing'. He knows what it means.
Robert Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 While giving advice if the only advice you have to give is that she shouldn't have read the diary then that would be considered off topic and not helpful Let's keep the posts helpful, please read the original post and post to the advice she is inquiring about. Thanks 1
GoreSP Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 I doubt it was because of an argument. He wrote it from an airport in Canada while he was on vacation. We were on great terms before he left, and weren't able to talk much while he was gone, so I really doubt he was mad at me. I think the second paragraph is likely. So perhaps he missed you more than he expected and he asked god for help 'dealing' with the fact he knows you two will eventually split up?
AMusing Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 I'm not at all convinced that what he wrote is evidence that he sees you as a "lapse in judgement." It would be normal for him to feel conflicted. You two seem to care about each other quite a bit; even though you both may understand nothing long-term can come of this, letting go of someone you care about is still a sad thing to grapple with. Add to those feelings that he chose to stray from his prior religious beliefs with you--not to mention potential pressure from his religious family/friends about you--and you have a guy that is bound to need to mull things over. The need to deal with everything is not necessarily an indication that he regrets his choice to be with (and sleep with) at all; in fact, it could indicate exactly the opposite ("I 'should' feel guilty for my choices, but I don't..."). If you are concerned, ask him what he meant. If you don't want to admit to snooping, simply ask him how he's feeling about your relationship, about having premarital sex, and about the implicitly dead-end nature of your relationship. Try to be calm, though, and leave your current interpretations and anger at the door. These are legitimate questions, especially for a couple who has been dating over a year. An honest conversation with him should help clarify things, in a way asking us never will.
TheGuard13 Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 I find it hard to believe that one begins reading a journal and doesn't realize what it is. Unless he put the bit about you being an issue right at the top of the page.
Silly Girl924 Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Honestly, I might even take "deal" with as a compliment, only if it's about sexual desires, of course. Think about it, he needs help to "deal" with how much you turn him on. He needs help to "deal" with how he can't stop himself from ravishing you. Maybe he's not a very creative writer and can't think of a better word than "deal." Maybe "in the eyes of The Lord" it's more appropriate to say "deal" than something like "please help me not get so horny" you know?
Els Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I haven't seen him since I saw it. That's kind of the point of this thread I guess. Should I just forget about it, and act like I never saw it? Or can I continue to date him in good conscience? I don't think I'll know the answer to that until I see him again. I honestly think this is a bit too much analysis and investment for a R that you believe to definitely have an expiry date (with a few months left). Just continue having fun with him if you still like him. If you don't, drop him. I don't see the point in making the effort to work things out otherwise.
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