Mycteria Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I did something really bad. I was at my boyfriend's house today and I noticed a little notebook that had a drawing on the front. I've never known him to write or keep any sort of diary, but apparently that's kind of what it was. It only had a few pages written in it. Some was work stuff, but I saw where he had written a "letter" to god. In this letter, he asked for god to watch over his family. But then he also said, "please give me guidance as I deal with ____" (me). Then it says something along the lines of "I am a sinner and need help" or something like that. We have been dating for a year. He is super religious, I am not. When we first started dating, he was a virgin (we are both 24) and wanted to wait until marriage. I was fine with this and never pressured him otherwise. 5 months in, we ended up having sex. It was all him, he initiated it and wanted to even after I stopped him to make sure. Ever since then we have had a perfectly normal sex life. He is the one that initiates almost every night. He doesn't act guilty, he says he doesn't feel guilty. His religion has never been an issue - we don't fight about it, or even really talk about it. But now I read this in his diary. I don't even know what to think. Sorry, this is mostly a rant. I don't really have a question.
Barbarossa Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 This would piss me off immensely if he feels like he has to "deal" with you... Hopefully he didn't mean it as he wrote are you going to talk to him about this?
ExpatInItaly Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I did something really bad. I was at my boyfriend's house today and I noticed a little notebook that had a drawing on the front. I've never known him to write or keep any sort of diary, but apparently that's kind of what it was. It only had a few pages written in it. Some was work stuff, but I saw where he had written a "letter" to god. In this letter, he asked for god to watch over his family. But then he also said, "please give me guidance as I deal with ____" (me). Then it says something along the lines of "I am a sinner and need help" or something like that. We have been dating for a year. He is super religious, I am not. When we first started dating, he was a virgin (we are both 24) and wanted to wait until marriage. I was fine with this and never pressured him otherwise. 5 months in, we ended up having sex. It was all him, he initiated it and wanted to even after I stopped him to make sure. Ever since then we have had a perfectly normal sex life. He is the one that initiates almost every night. He doesn't act guilty, he says he doesn't feel guilty. His religion has never been an issue - we don't fight about it, or even really talk about it. But now I read this in his diary. I don't even know what to think. Sorry, this is mostly a rant. I don't really have a question. For me, this is an incompatibility that would be very difficult to overcome. Someone's religion can shape almost every aspect of their lives and create a value system fundamentally different from others'. That can make a long-term relationship very challenging when you don't see eye-to-eye on important topics, such as sexual intimacy, marriage, children, your participation (or non-participation) in religious ceremonies, and so on. He is obviously feeling a lot of guilt about what has transpired between you two, even though he initiates a lot of it and says he doesn't feel guilty. You say you don't talk about but it sounds like you need to. It's not a non-issue for him, clearly. He's been keeping some doubts and anxiety to himself but it affects how he views you. Are you planning a future together? If so, tell him you'd like to talk openly and very candidly about it. I personally would be quite upset to have made such a discovery while he puts on a face that everything is dandy. He's not being honest with you or himself, really. 3
Author Mycteria Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 I don't know, it all seems kind of pointless. He clearly blames me for his "sexual sin." Rather than asking his god how to deal with his own urges, he asks god how to deal with ME. When I'm not doing anything. I don't pressure him into anything. And it can't be about anything else - we don't fight or argue or have any issues that would make him say he needs to "deal" with me.
Author Mycteria Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 For me, this is an incompatibility that would be very difficult to overcome. Someone's religion can shape almost every aspect of their lives and create a value system fundamentally different from others'. That can make a long-term relationship very challenging when you don't see eye-to-eye on important topics, such as sexual intimacy, marriage, children, your participation (or non-participation) in religious ceremonies, and so on. He is obviously feeling a lot of guilt about what has transpired between you two, even though he initiates a lot of it and says he doesn't feel guilty. You say you don't talk about but it sounds like you need to. It's not a non-issue for him, clearly. He's been keeping some doubts and anxiety to himself but it affects how he views you. Are you planning a future together? If so, tell him you'd like to talk openly and very candidly about it. I personally would be quite upset to have made such a discovery while he puts on a face that everything is dandy. He's not being honest with you or himself, really. I was not planning on a future with him. He needs a Christian girl, I know that. Plus I am leaving for grad school in a year and a long distance relationship is not going to be a feasible option. But I adore him and love spending time with him. I think [thought] that he felt the same, and even though we both know we are going to split up, I think we were planning on continuing until I leave. Now I don't know. Should I tell him I read the note?
Els Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 If he is very religious, what he wrote is pretty much par by course. Very religious Christians think of everyone as sinners who need God's help and whom they also need help to 'deal with', which usually means converting you to Christianity. If you are not planning a future with him and he knows that, I don't see anything wrong with continuing to casually date him if both of you are enjoying yourselves. Although if you are having sex outside of marriage he is technically sinning every time (according to his beliefs). 4
PegNosePete Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 please give me guidance as I deal with ____ See this is the problem when you read someone else's diary. I think this sentence could be taken several ways. Maybe as you think, he sees you as a "problem" to deal with? Maybe he just means he wants guidance on how to interact with you? as in "how do I conduct my interactions with ____"? Maybe he wants to know how to convert you? Maybe he means it the Mafia way, how to "deal" with you as in get you whacked??? Who knows! I'm just saying, this one sentence taken out of context could have many different meanings. You're assuming it means you're a problem for him. That is your assumption... not necessarily what he meant when he wrote those words. I am a sinner and need help He never said that he blames you for his sin. In fact quite the opposite, he said that he is a sinner and needs help. Nowhere does he mention you here. 3
Hopeful30 Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Maybe he was just feeling down one night and wrote that. Maybe you guys had a fight or something happened and in the spur of the moment he write that down. I do it all the time, and when I reread it I think "omg! that's horrible I never meant to be that way!" I say ignore it for now. It just some writing, it could have been venting. If his actions show that he cares and you're not a "problem", then don't worry about it. Also consider the fact that you are assuming you are a problem to be dealt with, when really what he meant could mean something entirely different. Don't be too hard on yourself. 1
Hopeful30 Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I don't know, it all seems kind of pointless. He clearly blames me for his "sexual sin." Rather than asking his god how to deal with his own urges, he asks god how to deal with ME. When I'm not doing anything. I don't pressure him into anything. And it can't be about anything else - we don't fight or argue or have any issues that would make him say he needs to "deal" with me. I just read this now, so ignore my other response. Hmm... do you really want to be with someone who blames YOU for their love for you? What about in the future? What else will be your fault if he decides to go against his religion again? Sounds like he is using you as a scapegoat.
gaius Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 You're assuming that his sexual urges are the real issue. Maybe when you're not around they're not an issue. You're just too hot for him to resist. And if that's the case I would take it as a compliment instead of an insult. 1
GoreSP Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I don't see where you would think he sees you as a problem that needs to be fixed? by 'dealing' with you he may have meant the relationship all together. If this is his first relationship, he probably feels he needs the 'guidance' or whatever. The part that worries me most is where he says he is a sinner... 1
GoreSP Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I was not planning on a future with him. He needs a Christian girl, I know that. Plus I am leaving for grad school in a year and a long distance relationship is not going to be a feasible option. But I adore him and love spending time with him. I think [thought] that he felt the same, and even though we both know we are going to split up, I think we were planning on continuing until I leave. Now I don't know. Should I tell him I read the note? why do you care then? Make your intentions clear and enjoy the time you have together... 1
Author Mycteria Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 why do you care then? Make your intentions clear and enjoy the time you have together... I care because right now I am with him and I don't want to be the source of any guilt. I don't think I can continue to have sex with him, knowing this. He thinks that what we are doing is wrong and I don't want to be with someone who views me as a temporary lapse in judgement. Would you? 1
CrystalCastles Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I care because right now I am with him and I don't want to be the source of any guilt. I don't think I can continue to have sex with him, knowing this. He thinks that what we are doing is wrong and I don't want to be with someone who views me as a temporary lapse in judgement. Would you? Yeah but you can't be sure if that's what he actually meant. Why did you read his diary anyway? That's a breach of trust. I also don't know how you'd bring this up, and talk to him about having read his diary... Also, is English his first language? I often word things poorly (and sometimes in a way that may be offensive) because English, although I speak it well, is not my first language. It's unintentional. 2
Author Mycteria Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 Yes it is his first language. I did not know it was his diary. I have never known him to keep a diary. It was a notebook that I assumed was just work numbers and such. Much of what was in it was work related. But when I opened it, I saw my name, so naturally I read it. Wrong, yes, but if I'd known it was some kind of diary I wouldn't have opened it.
ThatMan Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Does it really matter? Do you browse through every notebook you find that doesn't belong to you? Whether or not the word dairy is printed on the cover doesn't make it acceptable to dredge through things that clearly do not belong to you. You cannot presume to understand exactly what he thinks just because you've read a single message. He could have meant just about anything. Some of my own personal thoughts include the words, "...deal with...", and I still do not necessarily consider anyone a problem. Whatever the case, you seem to have legitimate concerns, and the question is whether or not you feel comfortable expressing them. I'm going to go out of a limb and say that no, you probably don't feel comfortable expressing your concerns because you know that your in the wrong. He might feel angry with your intrusiveness, and he'll have every right to, but nothing will change unless both of you are willing to have a discussion of how you feel about each other. 2
soccerrprp Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Mycteria, One thing is CERTAIN, imho....his religious convictions are not so strong that he has a problem with sex before marriage, etc. His ACTIONS, his initiation of sex DEMONSTRATES that his god has little influence on his sexuality. None of this is your PROBLEM. It's his, if true. 1. If his dealing with you is meant to be pejorative, then he's a hypocrite satisfied with his sexual deviancy while he comes to terms with the relationship. If so, he will demand that you become more like him or he will leave. 2. If he did not mean it in a bad way, then he's still a hypocrite and/or his religious convictions are so strong after all. He may then decide to become more accommodating. You Jeezebel! (joking). 2
Ruby Slippers Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I think the real "sin" here is you going through his personal notebook. Whether you knew it was a diary or not, that's not cool at all. How would you feel about him going through your notebooks and personal things? It's called snooping. I care because right now I am with him and I don't want to be the source of any guilt. You're not the source of guilt. The source is the thoughts in his mind about religion and sex before marriage. If he chooses to have sex anyway, that's on him. I think you should ignore this and continue as before. You don't see him as your long-term partner, anyway, so what difference does it make? And stop snooping. 3
Author Mycteria Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 Have I not said MULTIPLE times that I realize it was wrong to read the diary? You all can stop pointing out the obvious now, thanks. In regards to the information that was actually helpful, I appreciate it and will take it all into consideration.
Author Mycteria Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 I think you should ignore this and continue as before. You don't see him as your long-term partner, anyway, so what difference does it make? And stop snooping. I've already answered this. I don't feel like I should continue being intimate with him, knowing that he likely views me as a temporary lapse in judgement. I get that feeling based on the wording of the letter, and because I know him and his way of speaking pretty well. Would you be comfortable in this situation? Irregardless of whether I want to marry him, I still absolutely adore him and I don't want to play a part in his guilt. Soccerprp - thank you. Your post was insightful and on topic. Much appreciated!
Ruby Slippers Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I don't feel like I should continue being intimate with him, knowing that he likely views me as a temporary lapse in judgement. I get that feeling based on the wording of the letter, and because I know him and his way of speaking pretty well. Would you be comfortable in this situation? My last boyfriend was raised in a conservative religious background, and intended to wait until marriage to have sex. But he cracked in his late 20s, and begin having sex a couple of years before we met. He obviously had some guilt and shame about sex, and yes, it concerned me. But I had no moral or ethical problem or guilt about having sex with him, so I recognized it was his problem to deal with. I talked with him about his feelings of guilt around sex, and was as supportive as I could be. But the "problem" was his, not mine. Irregardless of whether I want to marry him, I still absolutely adore him and I don't want to play a part in his guilt. Then I think you're going to have to tell him what you found in his journal and talk about it. 1
gaius Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 This really strikes me as a case of you being mad about how he said something, not what he actually said. I remember when you posted a while ago about him not having sex with you so at some point you were the one who finally made him crack through an entire childhood of religious indoctrination and finally start having sex. And it turns out you're insulted by that..... :confused: Heard a lot of stories before of women getting insulted over how guys said something when they really shouldn't be but this one is pretty up there near the top. He just gave you one of the greatest compliments a woman could receive. Just bitch at him already if you're so outraged and let him explain this to you himself. 1
ThatMan Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 (edited) I've already answered this. I don't feel like I should continue being intimate with him, knowing that he likely views me as a temporary lapse in judgement. I get that feeling based on the wording of the letter, and because I know him and his way of speaking pretty well. Would you be comfortable in this situation? Irregardless of whether I want to marry him, I still absolutely adore him and I don't want to play a part in his guilt. Soccerprp - thank you. Your post was insightful and on topic. Much appreciated! You do not know that though. But I do see that you feel very determined in your belief that he thinks of you as a lapse in judgment. If you really feel this way then why are you in a relationship? Why continue being in this position? Maybe you can talk about this with him instead? Do you want to leave things alone with his dairy gnawing at the back of your mind, try to improve the relationship instead, or walk away entirely? All that I know is that if a spouse was moving away I would feel incredibly bummed out. Sure, if I did decide to journal, why not briefly mention having to deal with it? Maybe I'll have to deal with different religious and spiritual beliefs. Who knows, right? Let me share with you two different stories when I've been in a similar position myself: There was one woman who did dredge through my notebooks. This notebook was my schedule and list of professional contacts. Rather than actually talk to me about it, she secretly built up suspicions that the women in the my contact list are mistresses, and she was unwilling to ask me about it to hear my side. But let me tell you the ending: The married sixty year old financial advisor never had an affair with me because I'm faithful. Another time I was the person who stumbled across the private mussing of a spouse. I wanted to use the computer, use facebook, and some pretty nasty comments had been right there before I could even click the log off button. Sure, I could have chosen to remain silent, similar to what appears to be your own choice, but I worked up the courage to advocate for myself. Nothing would change for us unless I approached her. Although she was initially angry with me for what I had done, it was worth discussing, and I did not have to carry the weight of it all with me. I had to be apologetic, tactful, but it was in my own best interest to move forward. When you say that, "I did not know it was his diary. I have never known him to keep a diary. It was a notebook that I assumed was just work numbers and such.", you are essentially deflecting and dismissing yourself. That's like apologizing for any wrong-doings and then at the end including, "...but you deserved it." So that's why I've posted what I did earlier so that you can move on, talk about it anyways, and hopefully do so in a way that isn't outright offensive. But you need to decide right now what you want in life. If you want to keep what you saw bottled up then go for it. You really do not have to put yourself through that kind of a relationship though, no matter how briefly. How do you plan to enjoy what little time you have together if you remain silent? Edited January 21, 2014 by ThatMan phone
xxoo Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 If you just innocently picked up a notebook, flipped through it, noticed that, and felt concerned....why not just bring it up and ask him about it?
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