rosesred Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 (edited) Hey everyone, first time posting. Not sure if I'm looking for advice or just support, or both even, but if anyone's willing to reply then I'm grateful So, I split with my boyfriend nearly 6 months ago. Sometimes we where so good together and I have the fondest memories of him...but I often felt like there where two of him. He had a temper and we fought regularly. Its always been hard to have a decent discussion/fight/however you'd like to say it as he cant stick to what was reality and will say whatever he wants to prove his point, even when its not true. Eventually, I'd had enough. It was taking its toll on my physical appearance and work. He told me he didn't know how he felt about me (which he now denies ever saying...). I went to talk to him a few days later about it, yet another fight broke out, and I ended it. For the next two months he'd swing between trying to contact me to 'be friends' with the obvious intention of getting me back, and yelling and me to 'never speak to him again' and going silent for two weeks at a time. I would never be the first to re initiate conversation. Eventually, we got talking. He'd IM me every week and we'd just talk generally, he'd tell me he missed me (I was out of the country for quite a few months). As it got closer to my coming home he told me how he'd change and wanted to know if we could give things another chance. I was hesitant but I agreed. We met up, had a really great day together and when I talked to him about how I had felt in the past he actually apologized for once and told me how he was going to try and control his temper etc. Later we where texting and I said 'Don't make me regret giving you a second chance'. He got angry saying I should have said 'us' as we where in it together. He then started telling me how it griped him every time I said I broke up with him (hes previously claimed it was him that ended it, now he claims it was mutual. Every time I ask for his side of the story, he can never give me one). I saw it was starting a fight so I asked we left it. He agreed happily and we talked about other things. I called the next day and it all blew up in my face. I felt like I was right back where I'd been 6 months ago, like a little girl sitting in silence while he lectured me like a parent. He claimed it was all my fault, that if I'd had just asked how he had felt then none of it would have happened. Things kept escalating, and the only thing we agreed was that it wasn't working. He got very insulting, bringing up therapy I had been getting when we first met (about my relationship with my father) and said it was because I "Couldn't get along with people". When I told him that wasn't why I went, he claimed I must have not told him the true reason for my going... I got told about what a negative, cynical person I am and how I'll never have a good relationship. I told him I didn't want his pity. After a little more ranting, he got mad and hung up with a sharp goodbye and a bitter 'good luck in life'. I believe he'll be back in contact in a few weeks, as per usual, as he still has me on facebook along with photos of us. But I just don't know how to feel. I hate him for all the things he's said (yet again...) but at the same time I still care deeply and feel that if i'd done this or that different, then maybe we could have worked it out for at least a little longer. Sometimes I feel like maybe all he's wanting is for me to come to him after a fight and show I care, but then I feel like I'm letting him disrespect me. I know he says he thinks he don't care, he made the comment I 'probably think it's a joke, him running around like a headless chicken after me' I feel like maybe things failed because we bought up old issues, maybe we should have just left the past behind and start a new? I know the logical answer. The head knew it even before I went back the second time, but the heart is still trying to win out. Agh. If he comes back, it probably will... Thanks if anyone read my long winded rant, I'd love to hear opinions and advice. It was therapeutic if nothing else. Edited January 21, 2014 by rosesred
shadowplayer Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 He seems like a proper muppet imo. He brings up your therapy while mad/insulting? Get away from this man asap.
Author rosesred Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 He seems like a proper muppet imo. He brings up your therapy while mad/insulting? Get away from this man asap. He was saying it to try and prove that I can't maintain stable relationships (ignoring He was my first relationship...) It really hurt, he's the only person I'd told about it and it wasn't easy either. He was understanding at the time and told me about some therapy he'd gone through when he was about sixteen...I never thought he'd try and use it against me.
thora-tiki Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 You, Madame, just had a premature reconnect. I found this on how to kick loves ass, another forum, someone who went to something similar as you, as I can remember, the one writing this, is trying to warn another member to not get lured by the breadcrumbs (i.e. contact (texts, phone calls, e-mails, IM, etc.) from the ex whilst the forum member is in no contact) from the ex: «As someone who «prematurely reconciled» myself, I know that it is difficult to be talked out of this. But I ask you to think with your brain and not your heart/loins. I personally caused myself much more heartbreak than I needed to by sleeping with my ex-lover prematurely, thinking this would re-unite us. I thought it wouldn't matter responding to his texts or his eagerness, since after all it was proof how much he liked me. I thought it wouldn't matter if we went for drinks as opposed to quick get-together for coffee. I thought having wild crazy sex together would bond us - it just meant that we were both even more confused and freaked out a few hours later when I broke it off. Think with your head, mate. Are you in it for the long game or for short-term gratification for your heart?» Your ex-hole had NOT evolved, during the last 6 months, that is why this blew up in your face. When couples break up, and then try again/reconnect they tend to jump right back into the same place they were when they broke up, you have to break that pattern and take things slowly. The pattern, i. e. the reasons for your break up, was not broken. Reconnecting with an un-evolved ex is agony. As you now know… I am sorry he is still an insensitive douche bag. For future references, if he text or MI, etc. you: I miss you. I want to meet you for coffee. I am sorry. Let's talk. You must see those words as: - An emotional brainfart from your ex-hole. - He is still in the old relationship (misses you, wants to meet and talk). - He is still an old insensitive douche bag - as he was in the old failed relationship - and not yet evolved. - He is not ready for a new relationship. And keep no contact. I'm really sorry your ex-hole kept (and will probably contact you again) like he did. It appears to an outsider that he wanted his cake and eat it too. This only hurts you, as you already know. You are doing the right thing making a definitive break. This would be a great time to initiate no contact again, by text or IM (if you haven't already), agree with him and tell him you need time to think about things and please do not contact you any more, and you'll be in touch when you are ready. You can use the message I used, it is from the forum, how to kick loves ass: «Hi, His Name. I agree with your decision to break up. I really believe it was the best thing for the both of us. I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over. I would really appreciate it if you didn't contact me at this time. I'll be in touch when I am ready. Your Name» For me, I couldn't heal until I made that clean break and focused on myself. Limbo is living hell for us, and exes seem to like to keep people in limbo so they have a back-up plan. You can't move on* and also be someone's back-up plan; those are mutually exclusive to one another. It (no contact) seems like the harder path at the beginning, but it's the easier path in the end. * Like I have said before: Most people fear the phrase «let go»/«move on» they seem to think it is the end of the world, and it is - it is the end of that fu*ked up roller coaster world you have been living in with your ex-hole. People should remember that «let go»/«move on» is really just moving forward and leaving the past behind and preparing for an even better future having learned from your past mistakes - when they get their ex-hole back - without evolving - nothing has changed - the fu*ked up roller coaster starts all over again. So here are some tips to what not to do/to do during no contact, and help you evolve past the break up and get your life back: - Don't sit there counting off the days and expecting your ex to come back like magic. - Find any reason to break no contact and contact your ex out of fear they won’t remember you after a few months of no contact. - There is much work to be done during no contact and the faster you stop working against the break up and start working with the right tools, the faster you'll be ready for reconnection, make sense? - Start journaling, write down the hurt and pain, and progress. And also write down texts you want to send him/her. - Delete his/her number, e-mail, throw out his/her stuff, etc. - Block him/her from texting you, on Facebook, etc. - Wish your ex all the best (you don't need to wish him/her the best life, kids and supermodel husband/wife or anything specific, but wish him/her all the best - just like that, no elaborate life, just: all the best. I wished my ex, aka dildo face, the best, I didn't picture him with anybody, I picture him alive and well.) - Working out - Laughing - Reading - Hanging out with friends - Not think/dwell too much about the past. Nothing lives in the past. It is like visiting a cemetery. You pay your respects, acknowledge your time together and move on with life. - Let go of the old failed relationship - Do something new every day or week or month - Spending time with your family - Pet every furry animal that comes your way. - Explore your city, be a tourist in your own city - Make a list over restaurants or places you want to go to on dates, hell, eat/drink at them as well, do the research with a friend, and have fun making the list, so that if/when you reconnect with ex, or start dating a new guy, you have this list with great tips! - During your time alone you will make a list of the pros and the cons of your old failed relationship to figure out if you even want your ex back. Once you calm down and start thinking, you might realise it was a bad match after all, or you will see that it was a great match, but there were some issues. - List these issues as something to work on when you start a new relationship with your ex later on. - You also need to examine your old failed relationship to see where it started to fall apart, every clue you uncover will give you a better chance at reconnecting with your ex, and starting a new and stronger relationship. Reconnection is «easy», staying together, that is the hard part, and without evolution that will not happen... Give him/her time to evolve, and focus on your own evolution, things will work out, trust me. Now, stop worrying about it, and get back to your personal evolution before you fu*k up all your great progress. - The longer you leave it, the better, you might even decide you are better off without him/her. It is a win-win. - The bottom line is, no contact is not a 1 or 6 or 12 month thing, it is taking as much time as necessary to calm down, and evaluate your emotional state, work on the past problems, and plan for the future - with or without your ex. - How will you know you are ready to meet?: When you call and ask them out (Be specific about a date, time, and activity or location. You should try to call about a week before you actually want to see him or her. This will give you some time to do a little more prep work before the get together.) to a short meeting (coffee) and if they say «no», you can calmly accept that without panicking, because you know he is saying no because he is not ready. And you know you can always ask him/her out another time. - The fastest way out of relationship limbo, and the «just friends zone», is to properly use no contact, and stick to it. You can do this, rosesred! What do you like to do, or have always wanted to pursue that you haven't before? Let us know what you are doing and plan to do to concentrate on you.
Author rosesred Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 Thora, I have been trying to do much of what you mention. I'm exercising, talking to friends, studying things I enjoy...the worst times are when I find myself alone at home. I often end up thinking it over too much. I suppose in some ways it is positive though. I write about how I'm feeling, and today came here. I also figure it's been less than a week, so it's only right it's still fresh in my mind. I am trying to treat it like no contact at the moment. I do half expect him to call eventually and am still battling in myself whether to tell him were going no contact, or if I'll be stupid enough to let him pull me back in again. I go through a million emotions over it each day. I don't really intended to take time away from him and reconcile later. I think if that happens, I'd move on too far to ever come back, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I also feel like later asking him out later (no matter how far off) would be me accepting his behaviour, which I'm not doing. Maybe I have too much pride haha I think maybe why I keep accepting him back now is because I miss his presence I'm my life. Even over the last 6 months when we had minimal contact, I got on with life and was happy, but I missed him crazy and just wanted to talk to him. As I think I mentioned though, I left it for him to start communication. He did become my best friend, so I do miss his presence. I analysed what went wrong when we initially broke up, but I see that as I'm still in the same spot, I have more thinking to do. I know it may not seem like I'm listening to much that was said in your post, but believe me I have. One thing I must say though, at least it hurts a lot less this second time round
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