I honestly thought I was better than this.

[Fury]

First of all wanted to thank everyone for sharing their stories, thoughts and opinions in spite of tremendous amount of pain that goes with it all, and I am sorry you (well, we) had to experience betrayal in our lives.

 

I am very new to this and will try to make this not too long and too rambly, but likely won't be able to, so forgive me. I cant seem to sort my thoughts out at all right now.

 

Boyfriend and I have been together almost 3 years, living together for almost 2. The relationship itself has not been smooth even though we loved each other. He has a domineering personality, and I am one of those people who take a lot of nonsense before actually exploding versus just setting boundaries from the start. I was working from home, rather isolated and depressed. Then in September i found a new job outside home. My self-esteem went up because, truth be told, other people seem to treat me nicer than my intimate partners. All my coworkers were women, by the way.

 

As I started feeling better about myself, I started getting out more, spending more time with friends, and boyfriend and I drifted apart. He started spending time with his buddies, and my alarm bells started going off. I asked him directly if he was seeing someone, and he said no. But I could not shut up my inner voice, and one morning I did something that I have always considered beneath myself - read his text messages. And there it was. Female coworker.

 

I was so furious, I could not read the whole thing before confronting him (which in retrospect is stupid). I did not see anything sexual in those texts, but there was "i love you with all my heart" and "sweet dreams, beautiful". I felt entirely violated. If he told me, yes, i am seeing someone, I'd just let him have her and leave without any regrets. But apparently, that's not how this game is played. The Dday was in the morning just over a month ago. It was before work. I told him that when I come back from work, I am packing my stuff and leaving. I was not playing games. It was my honest intent to leave him.

 

I thought it was the only adequate punishment. The roads were icy and he insisted in driving me to work in his truck. By the time we got there, he was having a full-blown nervous breakdown with sobbing uncontrollably. It was terrifying and also pitiful. I had to take him into the clinic for crisis counseling and doctor wanted me to take him to the ER.

 

Eventually he talked me into giving him second chance. I said OK, but the truth is, I am stuck and cant move on. I am perpetually angry and sniping at him, I am suspicious and mistrustful and I did things I never thought I would do because that is the realm of Jerry Springer show - stalking OW profile on Facebook obsessively, snooping his phone and the lowest point, saying nasty things about her to him. The truth is, it is not her fault. She owed me no allegiance. He did.

 

I am plagued by obsessive thoughts about them together. He maintains affair was emotional, but I am having hard time believing that. While explanations he gave me are plausible, they are not likely. I don't know how will i ever trust anyone again. And I am ticked off to no end that this stupid event seems to have brought the worst in me, things that I see doing myself when I was a teenager, not an adult woman.

 

I am so confused, I am not even sure what Im asking. Perspective, I guess... Advice. I am not getting better a month later. I am feeling more incapacitated and depressed. I am not enjoying things I used to enjoy.

Edited January 21, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

You had a bad relationship before the cheating. Why do you want to save it now? I am guessing that whatever made the relationship "not smooth" before still is the same? Only description you give of him - he is domineering. And you take a lot of nonsense (because apparently he gives it?). And other people treat you nicer than your intimate partners (meaning him?) So when you had contact with people other than him, your self esteem went up. Anything good about him? You love him. Why?

 

Not married and no kids? He cheated and is lying (you know that, right?) Is there more balance to this thing?

 

By your description of the whole thing, you've kind of stacked the deck on what kind of advice you are going to get, don't you think?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I'm really sorry this is happening to you and I know it's not easy. But from what you posted the answer seems kind of obvious.

[Fury]

Mickey, thanks for your reply. I know it sounds excruciatingly stupid, but I asked myself the same questions you asked me, and I had hard time answering them If any of my friends told me their partner did this, I would tell them "ditch the loser. You deserve better." So, I do know I deserve better, and yet I am still with him. Yes, he does have good sides to him. He is an interesting person, we match intellectually, we have chemistry physically. He helped me emotionally through some tough times. When I said intimate partners, I meant him and my ex-husband of 10 years. There must be something in my personality that makes men take me for granted. I don't know what makes me stay. It is a mix of affection, loyalty (undeserved as it turned out) and pity.

 

Not married, no kids with him. Though he asked me to marry him before and after the affair. Which i found preposterous and said no. The thing is, the moment of clarity I had that morning has passed, and now I am bouncing wildly between conflicting emotions, and it drives me crazy. How in the world do people get beyond this? Why is it so hard to leave? Why is it all so confusing as hell?

[whichwayisup]

Do they still work together? If so, I can see why it's harder for you to let go of this, and also, fact is (manipulative or not) he freaked out and had a breakdown making you feel that you couldn't leave him.

 

did he confess all?

 

Have you thought about talking to his female coworker to find out her side of things? how far it went with them etc..

 

If you feel he's worth it and what you two have shared together is worth saving, go to couples counseling. but, if you feel he blew it and you could never trust him again, then for sure, don't marry him, don't even consider it.

 

Not all can forgive or give second chances. it's okay to not want to do that. this is your life too, you get a say in how things go.

Edited January 21, 2014 by whichwayisup

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I can only really see staying with him if the relationship improves from what you described it was before. What's been going on? Just back to the same old stuff, except for how you feel inside? Any steps being taken to fix what was wrong?

 

Cheaters are good at crying and lying. Very believable. Actions are what counts.

 

Is he still working with the woman he was saying he loved with all his heart?

 

If you've ever loved someone with all your heart, then you would know you can't just end it and be over it just like that. So there are two possibilities. He didn't really love her with all his heart, he either was just telling her that to get sex or he THOUGHT he did until he realized he would lose you, in other words he took you for granted until he thought he would lose you and then he realized he didn't really love her at all.

 

The other possibility is that he did love her with all his heart and for some reason (maybe she is married or in a committed relationship and won't leave, maybe he needs you financially) she is not ready to be with him, so he is back with you.

 

You have to determine what is and is not acceptable to you in a relationship. Me, personally, having him continue to work with her would be unacceptable. Have you talked with him about him leaving the job?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Mickey, thanks for your reply. I know it sounds excruciatingly stupid, but I asked myself the same questions you asked me, and I had hard time answering them If any of my friends told me their partner did this, I would tell them "ditch the loser. You deserve better." So, I do know I deserve better, and yet I am still with him.

 

now I am bouncing wildly between conflicting emotions, and it drives me crazy. How in the world do people get beyond this? Why is it so hard to leave? Why is it all so confusing as hell?

 

It only looks stupid from the outside, I know it's a different point of view when it's your life, when you're looking at it from the inside.

 

It's confusing because he told you (and even showed you) one thing (that he loved you), then did another. I guarantee you he is more messed up than you. It almost always seems easier to maintain the status quo than to face the unknown. It would be easier to leave if he were unapologetic, but again you are getting mixed signals. He lied to your direct question, continued to cheat, and now is telling you he loves you and wants to marry you. He's pretty messed up, isn't he?

[underwater2010]

If you don't have kids and a ring....run far and as fast as you can!!!!

 

 

You have no reason to spend your time wondering, wishing, hoping and wanting. You are young and obviously deserve more than he is willing to give.

[Eau Claire]

This isn't about him...he is a cheat and liar. It's about you. Nothing for a woman with self respect to salvage here. Kick him out today or leave tomorrow.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

There must be something in my personality that makes men take me for granted. I don't know what makes me stay. It is a mix of affection, loyalty (undeserved as it turned out) and pity.

 

Being taken for granted - it's very common to take the people and things in our lives for granted until we are faced with losing them. Lying directly to the face of someone you love about a serious matter, and cheating on them behind their back, are a bit more than taking someone for granted.

 

I am guessing you always put other people first, you always put your loved one's needs before your own. This is how you show love. This can be good, but also has it's downside. Many people will take for granted the sacrifices you make for them. I think it is healthier to keep yourself on a somewhat equal footing with your partner. Love yourself as much as you love your partner, don't get in the habit of almost always subjugating your needs to theirs.

[Fury]

Yes, they still work together, but he applied for a different job because he hated the current one with passion, and it looks like he will be getting out of there sometime this week or the next.

 

Did he confess all? I don't know. I probably never will. He admitted to what he was busted for. From what I read on LS, it is a typical behavior.

 

Yes, I did think about talking to his female coworker to find out her side of things. Have been agonizing over it, actually. I feel it is very humiliating for me to contact her. Besides, if my own boyfriend was lying to me, what's to prevent her from doing the same... I am craving clarity but can't bring myself to contact her.

 

Is he worth it? My rational side says not really. My heart is breaking at the thought of not having him in my life anymore.

 

The problem in our relationship was lack of communication. After DDay things did get better, but is seems like initial "honeymoon" period of trying really hard is fizzling out. He complained to me for months that he feels like I am not listening to him and not paying attention like in the beginning of our relationship. According to what he told me, he and his coworker were talking about day-to-day things and she was listening to him and it felt good.

 

The other possibility is that he did love her with all his heart and for some reason (maybe she is married or in a committed relationship and won't leave, maybe he needs you financially) she is not ready to be with him, so he is back with you.

 

This truly made me sick to my stomach. I KNOW it is a possibility. Yet I cannot wrap my mind around the idea that someone in fact would be so manipulative and inconsiderate of my feelings.

[Fury]

I am guessing you always put other people first, you always put your loved one's needs before your own. This is how you show love. This can be good, but also has it's downside. Many people will take for granted the sacrifices you make for them. I think it is healthier to keep yourself on a somewhat equal footing with your partner. Love yourself as much as you love your partner, don't get in the habit of almost always subjugating your needs to theirs.

 

Guilty as charged. The duality of it all kills me. Well, I am a loving and giving person, should I really change that? And how? Truth is, I get really angry about this issue. Then I tell myself to never regret a good deed, even if it feels like casting pearls before swine.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Guilty as charged. The duality of it all kills me. Well, I am a loving and giving person, should I really change that? And how? Truth is, I get really angry about this issue. Then I tell myself to never regret a good deed, even if it feels like casting pearls before swine.

 

It is one thing to do this out of love, and a different thing to do it out of low self esteem, feeling you have to be the giver to maintain the relationship. This is not an all-or-nothing balance, it is possible to wholly do it out of love and not at all because of low self esteem, but it also is possible that low self esteem could be playing a part in addition to love. It's impossible to analyze from out here, but I just throw it out there for you to consider. You have said if someone did this to one of your friends, you would tell her "ditch the loser," but you are letting him treat you this way. Are you less than them?

 

You posted, "I don't know what makes me stay. It is a mix of affection, loyalty (undeserved as it turned out) and pity." What do you think about the fact that he cheated on you, yet you feel sorry for him? Why do you feel sorry for him?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

So there's this guy, and he isn't married to you, and he doesn't have kids with you, but he does live with you, and for months he's complaining that you don't listen to him and pay him enough attention. Still he proposes marriage to you, which you turn down. One day you suspect he's cheating on you and you ask him directly and he denies it. Then you find his text to her saying he loves her with all his heart. So you go to leave him and he has a nervous breakdown and you actually have to take him to crisis counseling so he can somehow cope with the thought that you might leave him. Then he proposes marriage.

 

If he was so unhappy with you not listening to him, why didn't he just leave?

 

Either before you found him cheating or after?

 

Why does he want to stay with you if you are not meeting his needs?

 

He is telling another woman he loves her with all his heart, and then in very short order he is having a nervous breakdown about you leaving him and then asking you to marry him.

 

Also, he tells you that he really just talks with other woman about day-to-day things because you don't listen to him. But the texts you see include him telling her "I love you with all my heart."

 

None of his stories seem to add up, do they?

 

I feel I have a low tolerance for liars. I feel that when someone is lying to me about something that is important to me, it is a huge lack of love or respect. My general attitude is, when you are ready to tell me the truth, come and tell me. Until then, go away and stop telling me nonsensical stories that make no sense.

[Solcita2]

Hi Fury,

 

I didn't read all replies just a few and I can say that I understand you a 100%. I went through something similar last year.

 

I found that even when LS is a great place, it also depends on which board you post, because it depends the people in it.

 

If you say your relationship wasn't smooth enough (when let's be honest, no LTR is), then people would tend to believe the relationship is not worth going through this crisis. However I don't see it like that.

 

My F had an EA some time ago while going through a middle life crisis... so it was even more confusing to me because I asked what I did wrong and the answer was the stupid "nothing, it's not you, it's me" thing which is comforting but helpless...

 

Also I'm very much like you, I used to do everything for him, I would take a lot of crap that now I regret. However, I used that crisis and turned it into something positive. It forced us to change, to improve our communication and to remember the reasons why we love each other and want to remain together.

 

I didn't get all my answers right away, it actually took a while to be able to sit down and talk about it without screaming, crying and name-calling. The distance helped but also delayed the conversation (I moved to the other side of the world not long after the DDay). And in the books I've read they said don't expect to get them too soon. There's also a process he has to go through in order to be able to open up.

 

So... you don't need to make decisions now. You have to heal first and that doesn't really mean R or not R at all. Those are independant stuff.

I'd suggest the book "Not just friends"... it's a little bit too long and too much, however it can help. It helps to see that you are not the person you became during this crisis and that's only the "you in a crisis" person... and it helps to see how other people react as well. I'd suggest you to ask him to read it as well, because it speaks to all people involved in the A.

 

The thing that hurted me the most was the fact that he was the source of the pain... and as the book says, the thing that bothers you the most is the lost of innocence... I even told him "I couldn't believe I was living that WITH YOU" or "I always thought you were biological uncapable of hurting me". The thing about this type of crisis is that once they see the hurt they caused they will work their a**es off to avoid doing that again.

 

I do believe what happened to us was something that we had to go through together. And I believe (R or not) that this is something you had to go through as well.

It did change me, I won't take crap from anybody now... and now I know what I can forgive and can't forgive. I love my F more than my own life, but I know I won't go through this again. EVER. Period. The moment I feel like checking his phone again in my life I know the end is coming... I will discuss it once. If a second time is necessary it would purely be for logistic planning.

 

Breath. I promise it gets better.

[harrybrown]

Sorry that you are going thru this rotten experience.

 

I agree with the reading and the other advice. But right now this is eating you up, at least it did me (and still does from my wife's affair.)

 

Is there something that you like to do? Then please do it for yourself. Some like to shop. I find that exercise helps me. Ok, I do not like to exercise at the time, but it makes me feel better about myself.

 

Is there something that you like to do that will make you feel better about yourself? Just for some time this week, do something to make you feel better about yourself.

 

Hope you find some happiness in the near future.

[Fury]

It is amazing to me how sometimes people whom you have never met in person and who know only basic details about you, have so much insight and wisdom to offer.

 

I am grateful to all who shared their advice and opinion. I went to the library this morning and picked up some books you mentioned. I will also look into counseling for myself. I feel I have some unresolved issues of my own. Not in the least I mean that they caused my boyfriends affair, but I do need to get stronger for my own good and if I ever want to have a healthy relationship, no matter whom it ends up to be with.

 

Time to be proactive. I see from my own experience and all of yours that all this is extremely detrimental to both emotional and physical health. It is our right to claim it back. I will keep you posted on how things develop. Take care of yourselves. I hope things get better and brighter for all of us.

[No Limit]

The sudden marriage proposal after D-Day should leave you wary alright. He tried to ensure you'd stay with him and apparently at any cost to some degree (since marriage is intended to bind for life; but a ring doesn't prevent a husband to jump into a different bed either), though that's a pretty weak attempt.

 

But truth be told, if you are unhappy like this over the next time or it gets even worse, don't do this to yourself. Life's too short.