The_World Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Been doing no contact for 2 months, and the ex calls me one night drunk and crying, alone outside. I went to find her because i still care for her and i want to know why she was crying. (maybe she misses me) Turns out she had a fight with her boyfriend. Great. We talked and i tried to be the better man and be calm and normal. I was glad for her that she was happy. Then she rubs it in my face how nice her new bf treats her and how he gets along with her family. Wow great. What was the point of that, to make me feel like crap? She knows i am actively trying to move on and she does this to me. Then she tells me that she isn't attracted to me anymore but that she can't get over me and thinks about me all the time. I express my desire to fix our relationship and try again and she says maybe next time. Which is probably never. She has never properly grieved our relationship. After it ended, we became friends with benefits while she was out dating other guys. I did not know about it at that time and later when i found out i was devastated but she kept pulling me back in. This is her 3rd guy since the break up with me and this is the only time i finally grew a set and decided to start no contact. I was healing well and i thgt that would be the end of it but now this happens. Then she calls me when she know she shouldn't to "talk to me one last time". So we were chatting and halfway she tells me she needs to go to call her bf. I feel insulted beyond belief. I tried so hard to make our relationship work and i put so much effort into improving myself just to show her that i was serious about a future with her and she does this crap to me. She then says "guess i won't call you anymore" in a tone obviously trying to incite guilt. She texted me a few times after that but i just ignored her. Is her life goal to make me feel miserable? She keeps saying that she wants to be close with me again in the future, and that if we are fated we'll meet again. Can't she see the more she does this to me, the more i am never going to ever give a chance back into my life again? She was my first love and i used to think she was perfect. But i feel used again and again and i feel like she is just denying it and pretending that nothing is wrong. I've never felt more insulted and ashamed in my life.
JDPT Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I suppose the question is, how much longer are you planning on being her doormat? 4
Author The_World Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 I never intended to be. I went to find her that night because i care and love her and she was probably not safe outside alone. How was i supposed to know it was because of some fight with her bf? Do you think i like to disrespect myself like this? I'm sorry but maybe i don't know how relationships work because this is my first. But it took me a lot of courage to initiate no contact with her for the first time and even up to the 2 month mark. I really went through a lot during that two months discovering myself in the process. I thought i was in a better place, and that i was ready to meet her. In the end i'm just frustrated and annoyed. JDPT, i'm not trying to be snotty here, but how was i being a doormat? Mondmellonw, what should i do in the future? Completely ignore everything? That just doesn't sit right with me. I can't deny my feelings of care towards her. Isn't there some sort of compromise?
Mondmellonw Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I never intended to be. I went to find her that night because i care and love her and she was probably not safe outside alone. How was i supposed to know it was because of some fight with her bf? Do you think i like to disrespect myself like this? I'm sorry but maybe i don't know how relationships work because this is my first. But it took me a lot of courage to initiate no contact with her for the first time and even up to the 2 month mark. I really went through a lot during that two months discovering myself in the process. I thought i was in a better place, and that i was ready to meet her. In the end i'm just frustrated and annoyed. JDPT, i'm not trying to be snotty here, but how was i being a doormat? Mondmellonw, what should i do in the future? Completely ignore everything? That just doesn't sit right with me. I can't deny my feelings of care towards her. Isn't there some sort of compromise? No, The World, you have no compromise with her anymore. I understand what you're feeling. My ex had an accident after our break up, and even when he was very rude to me, I contacted him. But believe me, it wasn't worth it. However, I don't regret this anymore. It was a mistake but I will learn from it. Your ex wants to be in control of you. I don't think you don't respect yourself, but you should avoid her completely from now on. 2
what_a_blonde Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I never intended to be. I went to find her that night because i care and love her and she was probably not safe outside alone. How was i supposed to know it was because of some fight with her bf? Do you think i like to disrespect myself like this? I'm sorry but maybe i don't know how relationships work because this is my first. But it took me a lot of courage to initiate no contact with her for the first time and even up to the 2 month mark. I really went through a lot during that two months discovering myself in the process. I thought i was in a better place, and that i was ready to meet her. In the end i'm just frustrated and annoyed. JDPT, i'm not trying to be snotty here, but how was i being a doormat? Mondmellonw, what should i do in the future? Completely ignore everything? That just doesn't sit right with me. I can't deny my feelings of care towards her. Isn't there some sort of compromise? You're being a doormat because it sounded like you still went back to "be there for her" after you knew she had a boyfriend. Maybe it was misinterpreted. Look- after reading your post I really feel for you. I can tell you really care for this girl and want to be there for her.. and that she means alot to you. You did what any decent guy would do (who cares and respects a woman), and that was be there for her when she was hurting, alone, and upset. However what sucks is that when you went to make sure she was ok, she didn't telll you she had a boyfriend ahead of time and then proceeds to tell you she has a boyfriend... THEN tells you hold on, let me go call my boyfriend. Don't allow her to do this to you. The question is - how much longer are you going to put up with it? I get that it took a lot to do No Contact.. and I commend you for that (because I know how hard it can be for people who don't have a mean bone in their body).. however don't let her make you feel bad. She tried to make you feel guilty, don't feel guilty! At least you're noticing she's purposely trying to make you feel bad. Honestly, she sounds like she is an attention seeker and doesn't know what she wants. And while she doesn't know what she wants... one thing I can tell, and I'm sure she knows, is that in the future what she wants doesn't involve you. (I'm sorry to say, but thats the truth.... why else would she be out there with these other men and not commit to you?) She is just stringing you around by saying "if fate has its way" or whatever. She's leaving little inklings of hope lingering in your mind, and thats not ok, because I don't think she really has any intentions of getting back together, at least not anytime in the near future. Oh, and for her to say she's not attracted to you anymore but can't get over you.... again... she's on and off, hot/cold.. whatever you want to call it... but that's not right. Let me ask you this... why are you still chasing after a woman who has clearly moved on to other men? Why are you allowing yourself to be there for a woman who doesn't have your best interest in mind? I think you deserve to move on from this one. Close this door. I know how hard it is... TRUST ME. You sound like a really nice, caring guy. But you have to do this for YOU. Next time she texts or calls.... just tell her you're truly done. You know she has no good intentions, and all she is doing is keeping you around for her convenience when the other men she's chasing make her feel bad. Then she can go to you for an ego boost. She only is playing games with you. You deserve more than that in your life, like someone who will reciprocate the care and feelings you provide. Its time you allow yourself room for that "someone" to come in... and push the ex and her games aside. Sorry this was long.. but I feel for ya. Best of luck! 3
what_a_blonde Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 (edited) Oh, and I meant to address where you say "That just doesn't sit right with me" completely ignoring her. I get that. I've totally been there. You feel like the bad guy when you ignore them completely because hey, all they are doing is sending a "hi" message.. so what's the harm in responding? The harm is that once you send a reply... even if you tell yourself its "nothing" and that you are over them... it opens the wound that has been healing. You're going to hope the conversation turns into more than a hello.. then when it doesn't you get upset. Or when it doesn't, you wonder when you will hear from them again... Then you start all over from square 1 with the saddness and emotions from initial break up. I know its hard, and it seems like its mean to not respond. But at some point you need to realize they don't deserve a response and its ok to not be nice to everyone all the time. And it's ok to not give them that response that they're waiting for (as an ego boost), just too see if you're still out there being strung along like they'd hoped. Trust me- I've been in both situations (as much as I hate to admit it). I've been the dummy responding to their "breadcrumbs" and stupid text messages when I knew I shouldn't..... AND I've also been your ex in this case, keeping my ex bf around via text message for when my boyfriends in the interim would make me sad. I could text him when they were making me mad, or when I couldn't get ahold of them, just to have some guy on the side feeding my ego and need to feel wanted... when I really had no intention of ever getting back with him. Yes- I'm embarrassed of that- but that was WAAAAY back about 10 years ago when I was first in college and I've since matured and realize how wrong that was.. so don't judge. Edited January 21, 2014 by what_a_blonde 2
Author The_World Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 Sigh, thank you so much for all the responses. I feel better now. Its just really hard for me because i know her (or maybe thought that i knew her). And i believe she is truly a good person and I don't think she is consciously trying to hurt me. She knows that i need to move on and has promised to stop calling but when she does slip up, i don't believe her intentions were bad. Or maybe i just can't accept that she really isn't attracted to me anymore. I don't know. Life has been hard since the breakup and i've only recently started to get better since suffering from depression. I know that i have made mistakes in the relationship but i also know that i've truly been a good friend towards her and have tried all i could to save our relationship. what a blonde, thanks for your response. It means alot. I hope one day she will realize too and at least acknowledge the pain she put me through by doing this. Probably won't happen but whatever. Thanks again for the help. 2
what_a_blonde Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Sigh, thank you so much for all the responses. I feel better now. Its just really hard for me because i know her (or maybe thought that i knew her). And i believe she is truly a good person and I don't think she is consciously trying to hurt me. She knows that i need to move on and has promised to stop calling but when she does slip up, i don't believe her intentions were bad. Or maybe i just can't accept that she really isn't attracted to me anymore. I don't know. Life has been hard since the breakup and i've only recently started to get better since suffering from depression. I know that i have made mistakes in the relationship but i also know that i've truly been a good friend towards her and have tried all i could to save our relationship. what a blonde, thanks for your response. It means alot. I hope one day she will realize too and at least acknowledge the pain she put me through by doing this. Probably won't happen but whatever. Thanks again for the help. No problem. If she's as good of a person as you say she is, she will definitely realize it.. however it most likely won't be for a while (at which point you've already long moved on anyway). Good that you can honestly say you've truly been a good friend (sounds to me like you have) and that you have tried as much as you could to save your relationship. In the end, sometimes thats all that matters is you gave it your all and did what you could, now its got to run its course. 1
Author The_World Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 nice. I just got my assignment results back. I got a lower grade than her but i basically did half her work for her because she didnt know how to. Rushed mine just to help her. This was long ago when we were still FWB and i was trying to win her back. Now i feel like such a stupid person for doing this. I know i shouldnt be bitter and im happy that she did well but wow. Lesson learnt, never put someone else before me, especially if they aren't even serious about you. I really want to send her an angry text but whats the point. It'll just make me look like a bitter cynical ass. 1
Mondmellonw Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 No angry texts. Nothing. "Lesson learned, never put someone else before me, especially if they aren't even serious about you." That's all
vassilbg Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I'll tell you right now, walk away. My relationship ended 2 months ago, and a few weeks ago I actually started hanging out with her again. Things were 'interesting' but the minute she told me she has a crush on some guy I know was around when we were dating, I backed off and told her I can't be friends with her for the time being and went NC. I gave it a go, granted too soon after the BU, my advances were rejected, and I'm back on track. You have to think about it this way: Whats the worst thing that will happen? - You never see/talk to her again... is that REALLY that bad? You KNOW deep down inside you'll find someone else that will be better for you, regardless of how grim the 'now' may seem... so why stress over it? She's a big girl and needs to act like one... its not YOUR job to take care of her.
what_a_blonde Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 You said it perfect.... "Lesson learnt, never put someone else before me, especially if they aren't even serious about you." We all do stupid things, especially when we are blinded by infatuation and hope of wanting to get back with them because they are giving you false hope. Just next time, before you give up so much of yourself, have her (not HER, but any female) meet you half way and show she is worth it and willing to reciprocate. Any woman who is not willing to reciprocate the things you do for them or show genuine appreication and respect... definitely not worth your time. Chin up... this is just another stepping stone that makes you stronger and will build on experiences for the future. You're a good person, did what you thought was right, and were taken advantage of. Next time stand up for yourself and put yourself first before it happens.
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