Figured I'd share

[barky2]

So as some of you know already, if not, I'll break down a little with what's going on with me.

 

Joined LS over 18months ago, broken up with my ex of 10 years.

 

Started dating someone new ( now almost been together for about a year).

 

Found out day after Christmas that I'm goin to be a father.

 

Last night I went out with a few of my boys to watch the patriots game.

 

I got trashed, went back to one of my boys house.

 

Now the last few days, me and my girl have been thinking about breaking the news to everyone about the pregnancy on "social media"

 

The last few days, I've also been thinking how, out if respect for being with someone for 10 years, even know we haven't spoken in about 8 months, I figured she should hear it from me, instead of a mutual friend seeing it online.

 

So I did. I wrote to her.

 

How'd it go?

 

She was hurt, very hurt. Something along the lines of " now our paths won't ever cross again" or something like that idk.

 

Most of all, I had to apologize for the person I became at the end of the relationship ( jerk)

 

I got a lot off my chest, she wishes me well, and I did the same.

 

I'm at indifference.

 

I truly do wish her the best.

 

I don't want anyone to bash me saying what I did was wrong, because it wasn't, by any means.

 

I'd rather if the roles were flipped, she'd be the one to tell me.

 

Meh just figured I'd share this with you guys!

 

Guess I needed to vent a little.

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

[InnocentMan]

Another good man tricked. Good luck soldier.

[barky2]

Tricked?

 

Lol naw man, I couldn't be happier,honestly

 

 

 

 

Barky

[chris21422]

I understand the respect thing for someone but I'm not just 100% sure that is a good move..

 

Did you current gf/wife know you contacted your ex?

 

Anyway congrats on being a new dad.

[barky2]

Yup she does. I was completely open about it, and she understand why I did it.

 

It was something done out of respect, with no alternative motives.

 

Even the ex did, appreciate it.

 

I had to say things I said, it was something I've been holding onto.

 

 

 

Barky

[flightplan]

I don't know.. not so sure that was a good move. After all, she was out of your life and to pull her back in out of "respect", mmmm, if it we're me... I wouldn't like my ex to be reaching out to me to tell me she's prego. In fact, it would piss me off after all the hard work I'm doing with NC and moving on.

[InnocentMan]

Tricked?

 

Lol naw man, I couldn't be happier,honestly

 

 

 

 

Barky

 

Just yanking your chain. Congrats on the impending life change.

 

I wouldn't sweat about your ex too much. I doubt it would be easy for her no matter how she found out. It sounds like you had other stuff to get off your chest anyway, so no harm, no foul.

 

I suppose after 10 years she did deserve to hear it from the horses mouth, especially in the day of social media.

[chris21422]

You have a great girl right there.. Most women will think you are not over your ex blah blah blah and will argue with you but she understand it ..

 

 

 

 

Yup she does. I was completely open about it, and she understand why I did it.

 

It was something done out of respect, with no alternative motives.

 

Even the ex did, appreciate it.

 

I had to say things I said, it was something I've been holding onto.

 

 

 

Barky

[barky2]

I don't know.. not so sure that was a good move. After all, she was out of your life and to pull her back in out of "respect", mmmm, if it we're me... I wouldn't like my ex to be reaching out to me to tell me she's prego. In fact, it would piss me off after all the hard work I'm doing with NC and moving on.

 

The thing is, that everyone's missing, were at indifference.

 

The both of us, have moved on.

 

I didn't reach out to " suck her back in"

 

I understand how some people may think, was wrong ect

 

But it for me was needed.

 

Honestly she coulda been the one to tell me if roles were flipped, and I would appreciate hearing it from her.

 

There's no anger left, not resentment.

 

Indifference has been reached by both of us.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[Still-I-Rise]

You have a great girl right there.. Most women will think you are not over your ex blah blah blah and will argue with you but she understand it ..

 

Good for you and your girlfriend.

 

I think most secure women/men would understand your concern for the feelings of someone who was a major part of your life for 10 years.

 

You treated her the way you want to be treated. Good job.

[barky2]

Just yanking your chain. Congrats on the impending life change.

 

I wouldn't sweat about your ex too much. I doubt it would be easy for her no matter how she found out. It sounds like you had other stuff to get off your chest anyway, so no harm, no foul.

 

I suppose after 10 years she did deserve to hear it from the horses mouth, especially in the day of social media.

 

 

Yea, deff had to apologiZe for how I acted, I was a true jerk, and I truly do wish her the best.

 

I'm sure it was a sudden shock for her...but I think it was the best move to tell her myself.

 

 

Some may call it a dick move, but hindsight 20/20, it was the most respectful thing I coulda done.

 

 

 

Barky

[flightplan]

The thing is, that everyone's missing, were at indifference.

 

The both of us, have moved on.

 

I didn't reach out to " suck her back in"

 

I understand how some people may think, was wrong ect

 

But it for me was needed.

 

Honestly she coulda been the one to tell me if roles were flipped, and I would appreciate hearing it from her.

 

There's no anger left, not resentment.

 

Indifference has been reached by both of us.

 

 

 

 

Barky

 

ah ok, thats cool then. If you guys are over each other and no longer emotionally attached, then I can see your point.

[pickflicker]

I think you did the right thing. I personally wouldn't put that kind of news on social media at all, I'd rather just write a nice letter/email to the important people. But how you choose to tell the rest of your family is up to you. Re: your ex gf, you definitely did the right thing.

 

Good luck with it all!

[Grumpybutfun]

Congrats on the baby and the good relationship. As long as you were transparent with your current lover, I see no reason not to share the good news. You seem to have received some closure from it so it was a positive.

Being a father is extremely fun and sometimes challenging but you won't regret one minute of it. Mine are all gone to college, new life in the big city, or in the military and sometimes my wife just lays in my arms and cries. They grow up so fast.

Glad you are finally moving on and seeing your future,

Grumps

[organizedchaos]

Very good and mature move. NC isn't forever. Just until you reach indifference, IMO.

[rosedl]

Excuse me, you wrote that she was very very hurt and said 'now your paths will never cross again'.

 

And, in the following post you wrote that both of you were at indifference.....

 

She doesn't sound like she was at indifference at all. She was hurt by it.

 

You sound indifferent.

 

Out of respect for what? You were a jerk to her at the end of the relationship, and now, your girlfriend is pregnant and you felt the need to tell her why? You haven't been in touch and this is the news you drop on her.

 

I wouldn't need to know that or want to know that about my ex. I have old exs who I would tell because I have remained friends and I would tell them because they are still a friend. But, telling the last person I was in a relationship with that ended badly this news.....I don't get it.

 

It sounds kind of mean.

[barky2]

First off, when I told her, of course she was hurt.

 

I talked to her for awhile, at the end of the conversation she's ok with it.

 

I don't need to defend myself to you, nor will I get nasty with you.

 

She's had a boyfriend for over a year, we've both moved on.

 

It was shocking for hurt and I'm sure it hurt, but by the end she did thank me for telling her.

 

I was a jerk sure, as was she.

 

And this isn't the first time we've talked since the breakup.

 

You don't see the bigger picture, you don't know what we've been through nor will you ever.

 

She's at indifference.

 

We are both over it.

 

So I don't know what kind of nerve I struck with you by posting this, but do me a favor, take a second before replying like that to me, or any other member.

 

Was it a shock? Sure. Was she hurt? I'm sure she was. But what I did I stand by, and if the roles were flipped I'd wished she did the same with me.

 

This girl played with me and broke my heart for a year.

 

You don't know this.

 

I picked up my nuts and moved on. I greived and let go.

 

We weren't right for each other, we will always love each other sure I agree.

 

If you take a step back and truly see what I did, not based on you or what you're going through you'll see if anything I saved her hurt.

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

[OhThatGirl]

I think it was a very respectful thing to do. I have relationships I have moved on from, reached complete indifference about, yet could see I may still have a pang of hurt. I get it. I think you handled it well. I'm happy for all parties involved. Also...

 

Congratulations! How exciting!

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Excuse me, you wrote that she was very very hurt and said 'now your paths will never cross again'.

 

And, in the following post you wrote that both of you were at indifference.....

 

She doesn't sound like she was at indifference at all. She was hurt by it.

 

You sound indifferent.

 

Out of respect for what? You were a jerk to her at the end of the relationship, and now, your girlfriend is pregnant and you felt the need to tell her why? You haven't been in touch and this is the news you drop on her.

 

I wouldn't need to know that or want to know that about my ex. I have old exs who I would tell because I have remained friends and I would tell them because they are still a friend. But, telling the last person I was in a relationship with that ended badly this news.....I don't get it.

 

It sounds kind of mean.

 

How is any of this mean?

[rosedl]

You haven't talked to her in eight months. It isn't like you are keeping any kind of contact or on-going relationship.

 

You say she is indifferent but of course, she is hurt?

 

The two don't go together. If you are indifferent, it doesn't matter. You don't care. That is what indifferent means.

 

You said, she was really hurt.

 

If you were indifferent, you wouldn't have felt the need to contact her. If she were indifferent, she wouldn't have gotten really hurt by this news.

 

I got out of a 11 year relationship three years ago, and if my ex hadnt contacted me for eight months and then, was like, I'm going to be a daddy with another woman, I would be like wtf? Why are you calling and telling me? At this point, if he called (three years later and truly moved on from both sides) and regular contact on phone/email/facebook for over a year, I would say congratulations and not give it much thought at all. He has another girlfriend and they are very happy.

 

Like I said,

 

You called her an ex you haven't spoken in eight months with news that really hurt her and then say she is indifferent.

 

Can't have both....sorry.

[OhThatGirl]

Yeah, I'm going to agree that 10 years/8 months NC is a bit different than 3 years NC.

 

And as for the "hurt about this news" and "indifferent to the relationship" thing.. I get that too. Like she said, it's the nail in the coffin. Even if you are over the relationship and never planned or wanted to go back to it, you now know you never could. There's a subtle difference. Not only that... But 10 years of her life were spent with this man!

 

We don't know enough to say this shouldn't hurt her, even if she's not hurt about the relationship the topic of having children is a whole slew of other emotions. Did she want kids with him while they were together? Is this a point that brought stress to the relationship between them in the past? Big news like this can make you think for a second about how life would be different if they had worked out. About what life would be like if she were expecting his child. If they had children while they were together. His new girlfriend is getting to experience something with him after 1 year that the ex didn't experience (I'm assuming there were no kids in the previous relationship?) It can bring up feelings about her own fertility. And if the person she is with is something she could/wants to have kids with. And that her ex met a big milestone before she did.

 

There are a million reasons she could be hurt. It does not mean that she hasn't moved on or that he hasn't. It doesn't mean they haven't reached "indifference" about their last relationship or their time together. In fact, indifference towards the relationship doesn't mean you don't still care about them as a person, wish them well, want the best for them, feel bad when you hear something bad has happened to them. It just means the relationship you once had is gone, has been mourned, and now you're able to objectively see the person clearly without the lens of a past or present relationship.

 

Each person has their own experience though. So for some reaching indifference means they couldn't care less about his news. Others would be pissed to hear from him. Luckily he seemed to have enough insight to know she would appreciate him telling her directly and she did.

 

Let's be happy that it worked out well, yes?

[TylerDurdenn]

Congratulations and well handled.

[radiodarcy]

This is a very interesting thread. I was in a similar situation when - -after close to one year of NC, my ex contacted me out of the blue to tell me his gf (I didn't even know he had a gf) was pregnant with his kid.

 

For awhile, I thought he was being a jerk and told me that just to hurt me - - and in some ways, maybe he was.

 

But you have a point when you say that you'd rather your ex find out from you than via social media/mutual friends. And it's possible my ex was doing this too.

 

Granted I don't have Facebook, Twitter or an account with any other social media network. And I've long since lost touch with mutual friends, he may not have know that.

 

I also have to say, in the back of my mind, I always knew such a conversation would take place. That was really my incentive for going NC in the first place. Because I wanted to be at that point of indifference when I finally did hear the news. And while I wasn't quite there at the time, I was close enough that I was able to recover fairly quickly.

 

In some ways, I think hearing it directly from him, was less of an upset, had I heard it through the grapevine. He may not have ever cared much for me, but at least he cared enough to do that...

Edited January 21, 2014 by radiodarcy