Our story

[romn]

Ok, so this s going to be long, but I appreciate any of you reading it.

 

So my Ex girlfriend (29) and I (38) have been in a relationship for 7 1/2 years until I moved out the house on the 29th of december.

 

Our relationship was incredible, there was harmony, trust, giving each other freedom. But it lacked one thing for a long time, passion.

 

It started already very early, about 6 - 8 Months after we got together. I started feeling depressed and had less and less desire to have sex. She was often sad, but I really couldn't do much.

 

These depressions came and went, but never totaly went away. But there where times when I was comparetively happy. But somehow we more and more avoided the sex topic. Sex became less and less of a topic in our relationsship.

 

But strangly the relationsship went on and got deeper and more intense. None of us 2 could imagine leaving the other.

 

She said that she was so happy and loved me so much and wants to spend the rest of her life with me, but we'll have to fix the sex problem somehow.

 

Well, we didn't. but the relationsship still went strong. We loved each other so much, we moved into a house with 2 dogs and 2 cats. We always called them our children.

 

During the last few years she brought up having children of our own in the future from time to time. I always evaded that topic, because I couldn't see myself as a father with my mental problems.

 

In may we celebrated our 7th anniversary. She said that she was so happy that we managed to pass the 7 year test.

 

But one month later she suddenly started to change her behaviour. She was more detached, didn't cuddle and was away with friends a lot. After another month she finally told me what was going on.

 

She suddenly wasn't happy anymore, me being down so often and also not going out a lot. She had started to think that she was missing something in her life.

 

This came as a complete shock to me and I started to think about the last years and how I behaved and what I've said. I started seeing how good my life actually is and what my behavior has done.

 

We talked after a few days and I explained her how I saw things now and that I don't want this negativity anymore.

 

She decided to give it a second chance and we went on vacation soon after. It was beautiful. We also started to have sex again. But we never talked about the crisis again and so things weren't 100% back to normal again.

 

I thought that I should wait and not put pressure on her. She waited for me to bring the topic up.

 

So we kind of fell back on living alongside each other. Then I lost my job at the end of october. This hit her more than me. Apparently she couldn't take this additional pressure on the relationship.

 

She distanced herself more again. After a few weeks I finally demanded to know what is going on. She said that she doesn't know what she wants anymore. Part of her wants to be alone and another part is afraid and can't imagine seperating from me.

 

She said that she never had a longer time without a relationsship and maybe she needs to see that she can manage life on her own for a while.

 

So I told her to make up her mind. But even after days she wasn't sure what she wanted.

 

She said that she loved me and wants me in her life but she doesn't desire me anymore at the moment.

 

We agreed that we would take a relationsship break and I would move out of the house.

 

After a few days I told her that I had found an appartement. I told her that if the relationsship still ment anything to her she would go to a concellor with me. If not it's over and I'm gone.

 

She asked for a few days to think it over and talk to her therapist. She came to the conclusion that councelling wouldn't help, because the idea of being alone for a while wouldn't go away and resurface again after a while.

 

So we seperated, but I wouldn't move out for another 2 weeks. She had moved to her parents for the last few days. But now she wanted to come back home again. She said that she's so sad and that I'm so strong (I never pleeded and begged, even though I would have in a heartbeat if it would have done any good) and she's impressed by that.

 

Now she suddenly cuddled up to me every night and morning, we slept in the same bed. She often cried. I always managed to be strong and comfort her, which also impressed her a lot.

 

She said a lot of things in this time:

 

She doesn't want me to move out but thinks that it's the only solution. She feels that she needs to be strong and fight the urge to reverse the breakup.

 

She could imagine coming back together if we could ignite the flame again. She said she knows a lot of couples who got bac together after a breakup.

 

It doesn't feel like a goodbye for good.

 

She's so afraid that I will have a new girlfriend soon.

 

She proposed that we could date each other again.

 

She asked me if I would sleep over from time to time.

 

She will miss me so much. and so on.

 

 

So I moved out. The first few days she rang me or texted me every day. She asked me to come by the house, because she bought me something. She was very sweet, almost like in the relationsship.

 

She said that she really has to be alone now for her development, but she's open for everything.

 

But from the next day on she suddenly stopped calling. Nothing. So because we've agreed to stay in touch so we don't got estranged I called her a few times. But now she suddenly was cold and distant.

 

After a few days I asked what the matter is. She said that when we see each other she feels somewhat down, it's strange between us and it's still an exeptional situation for her.

 

So I kept my distance and didn't contact her for a while.

 

But something told me that such a 180° turn is strange and I suspected that she maybe has someone or is in the proccess.

 

So today my suspiccion was confirmed. I drove by her house (yes, I know) and saw her sitting with a guy. Later his car was still there.

 

From what I saw the guy isn't even her type, but whatever.

 

But another thing is that from tomorrow on I'm staying in the house for a few days because she's away for a few days (with a female friend of hers, this I know for certain).

 

So now I stay in this house where I know she shagged with this guy. In our house the place I called my home for almost 4 years.

 

The other thing is that she hasn't told me about the guy. Is she avoiding it because it's unplessant to tell me? Is she not sure if it will be a realtionsship and waiting for this to become clear before telling me? Doesn't she tell me yet so that I still look after the house while she's away?

 

The thing is, I can't evn ask her, because then I would have admit that I spied on her.

 

I don't know if this is an affair, a rebound or something serious. From what I've seen from the guy I would normally think that I would come out favourably in comparision But the thing is I look like **** now, I've lost so much weight (I'm usually very muskular and burly, something my ex always liked) because I can't bring myself to eat, I smoke a lot and day and night all my thoughts are bent on the relationsship.

 

I had a great girlfriend, sweet pets, a beautifull house and a wellpayed job. Now I live in a small appartement and struggle to even make it through the day. I feel like trapped inside a nightmare that I cannot awaken from.

Edited January 21, 2014 by romn

[OhThatGirl]

Ohhhhh man. I'm so sorry this has all happened.

 

The only thing I can say... Let her go. I know you know this already. But it probably needs to be said anyway. With this "I need space, wait no I don't you really impressed me, oh wait no I need space" thing you're going to get yanked around like a yo-yo. I'd let her go, let her experience the things she wants to, and continue on 100% not looking back.

 

Why I say this: She was young when you became involved. Somewhere around 22? She has played house through the majority of her early, mid, late 20s and now she's wondering what she missed out on. She's wondering how life could have been different if she had been single, seeing other people, focusing her attention elsewhere. With her recently mentioning kids it's possible that she sees she spent the last 7 years doing the same things with the same person and has realized she wants to see what else there is before she is 100% committed to another person (as in, having children with them)..

 

You admit the passion has been gone for a long long time, that there seems to be no physical intimacy/sex life... After 6-8 months of being together? I know each persons need for sex is different but wow.. More than 6 years without sex and passion?? Yikes! Had this happened in any of your previous relationships? I have a hard time holding it against her that she wanted to experience other things.. In fact I wonder if you're so hurt by this relationship ending you're not seeing that you now have the opportunity to find someone who gives you these things that have been missing for so long! It's not meant to make you good that this has ended.. More like, there may be something to what she has said. You may find you've been wanting more and haven't been able to see it.

 

I really don't think the relationship is fixable. She wants space, to do other things, try something new.. And I think it's right for you to give her the option of doing this. I'm not saying that it doesn't seriously suck or that you should be OK with this - only that you need to give her these things. If you don't, and you continue to try to work it out, she will continue to wonder and it will be worse in the long run.

 

It's no surprise to me that this guy you saw isn't her "type".. That's the thing. She wants new and different. Makes sense. What may (or may not) end up happening is she tried new things, realizes she had a "type" for a reason (because it's what she likes!) and has just thrown away something good for curiosity of what else is out there.

 

So should you wait and see if this is what happens? And if after some time of doing her own thing she returns? No. Hell no. No.

 

You owe it to yourself to let her go. Hanging on and allowing for hope is not helpful for your healing. Not only that.. But you owe it to yourself to find someone that has that passion! The sex! The intensity! The stuff you've been missing! You probably don't want to hear it now, and getting involved with someone else is probably not the slightest bit on your mind.. But believe me when I say you OWE it to yourself to find those magical things. There IS someone out there for you that can give you the close relationship AND the passion. They're not mutually exclusive.

 

So I have a question out of curiosity.. Why after 7 years did you not get married? No judgement I'm just curious how you were together this long, lived together, shared pets, and didn't marry?

[ithappenedagain]

I am so sorry man. But if you don't mind me asking... How do you know she ''shagged'' that guy? Is that just your mind playing tricks with you, or did you find out? Maybe nothing happened with her and him? For all I know, he could be gay?!? Point is. You dont know who the guy was or what they did...

 

But getting back on track.. I am going through a similar situation. I actually have movers coming tomorrow morning to move all of my stuff out of our place, and into a storage locker - while I look for an apartment. It sucks! You know it. You've been there. Only problem with my situation is that I am leaving her the key and I will more than likely never see her or our cat again.

 

I am gonna go HARDCORE NC after tomorrow's move. This is what you should have done when you moved out. She asked for something, so you need to give it to her - no matter how hard it is on you. Trust me. Once again, I know!

 

Just take some deep breathes, try not to let your mind play games with you, and tell her that out of respect to both of your feelings, you are going to go NC.