sambo77 Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Sometimes you just meet somebody who is the human embodiment of a whole lotta stuff that's gonna draw YOU, and ONLY YOU, to them like a supercharged magnetic field. That was my ex. You see, she was my unavailable Dad...so I could turn myself into a pretzel trying to secure her love. She was my fledgling, in-need-of-protection mum...so I could be the brave, strong knight in shining armour and rescue her to prove my worth and "earn" love. She was exactly the sort of girl I find super hot. Making love to her was like being a teenage boy again ;-) She was cute, sweet, innocent...with a juvenile quality I admired and had always wished I had in myself. I don't have it...of course. She had shared my difficult life experiences and we could understand each other's pain in this respect. Mix all these attributes together and sculpt them into human form and you've got the relational equivalent of a "red rag to a bull" that's designed specifically for ME, engineered in perfect synchrony with all of the things that'll draw me to somebody like flies to BS. Wave that sort of bait in front of me and of course I'm gonna bite. And bite I did. And end in tears it did. As it was always going to. F&cking both of your parents' inadequacies and your childhood fantasies all rolled into one is never gonna make for a great LTR...I knew it...but couldn't resist. Other girls are a "better fit" for me people tell me. They like the same sports I do, read the same books, and think the same sort of holidays are "fun." Actually, they're wrong. I couldn't give a flying f&ck about such similarities. This girl was a great "fit"...she tapped into everything there is to magnetise me on a powerful subconscious level. "Other girls"...I have been finding...are relatively uninteresting and benign after her...and I don't mean that to be disrespectful...it's just a feeling. Problem is, she was a "dangerous" fit...plugged into a lotta stuff that sparked a reaction I won't...and can't...now forget. Now I know what happens when you mix all that stuff together...other stuff seems far, far less intriguing. 10
jphcbpa Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Beautiful....during this time of NC, I have been able to look at me and ask, "why do I pick the women I do". We pick each other for reasons that must be explored. 3
rosedl Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Relationships are our teachers. I have been around the block a time or two (42) and I have come to realize that our romantic relationships reflect ourselves back to us in the most stark way possible. I think that happens in most (if not every) romantic relationship to some extent. I think the key to longevity and growing together is not viewing this as a flaw or something wrong, but viewing it as an opportunity to move into a deeper relationship. Unfortunately, we don't often view it that way at all. We want the fairy tale romance and the passion but that can not last on high intensity for too long. I almost don't like that phase anymore, I want to bond with someone in a real way and I am not thrilled about the chemicals your mind releases to draw you in. I told my ex when all our issues came to the forefront that we had a real opportunity to move past old patterns. But, we didn't. So, now I am alone and having to move past the old patterns of seeking out a new relationship instead of doing the personal work I need to be happy in my own life. Not happy about this situation, but I know it is time. He ran away from me and blamed me for being the reason he was enacting the exact same patterns he had played out in every relationship for over 30 years. Of course, so was I, but I have to face my demons by being alone. He is just living groundhogs day. Sigh 7
Author sambo77 Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 Relationships are our teachers. I have been around the block a time or two (42) and I have come to realize that our romantic relationships reflect ourselves back to us in the most stark way possible. I think that happens in most (if not every) romantic relationship to some extent. I think the key to longevity and growing together is not viewing this as a flaw or something wrong, but viewing it as an opportunity to move into a deeper relationship. Unfortunately, we don't often view it that way at all. We want the fairy tale romance and the passion but that can not last on high intensity for too long. I almost don't like that phase anymore, I want to bond with someone in a real way and I am not thrilled about the chemicals your mind releases to draw you in. I told my ex when all our issues came to the forefront that we had a real opportunity to move past old patterns. But, we didn't. So, now I am alone and having to move past the old patterns of seeking out a new relationship instead of doing the personal work I need to be happy in my own life. Not happy about this situation, but I know it is time. He ran away from me and blamed me for being the reason he was enacting the exact same patterns he had played out in every relationship for over 30 years. Of course, so was I, but I have to face my demons by being alone. He is just living groundhogs day. Sigh Yes, you put this very nicely indeed. You're right that relationships are always a reflection of ourselves...and that has to be accepted and integrated in order to move on to a deeper connection. My ex couldn't handle it either. Am facing my demons with you...and my ex is living Groundhog Day with yours too ;-) 1
OhThatGirl Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 This thread is amazing. I only wish I could have this kind of self awareness! It really makes me consider therapy to get some insight on my behavior patterns and what traits I'm drawn to... And why. I jokingly say that I feel like my parents long, healthy marriage was detrimental to my being able to find and work on a good relationship for myself. Joking because I think it's absurd but when I see childhood friends with parents that divorced or had unhealthy marriages they seem to be better at managing adult relationships of their own. Has anyone experienced therapy? Did it help you gain this insight? I think I'm doing pretty well in life but I'm concerned about my pattern of relationships (uh, I tend to find 'emotionally unavailable' men incredibly attractive/challenging) and would like to know more about why I do this.. And really work on it before I age out of my ability to have children.
RDawg Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 What is the biggest factor in determining who you will marry and end up growing old with? Geographical location. Think about that for a minute or two.
superb Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 What is the biggest factor in determining who you will marry and end up growing old with? Geographical location. Think about that for a minute or two. I think that is sad. Settling really.
RDawg Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Not sad. Just realistic. Before the internet and LDR's that is what everyone did. You meet somone who lives in your area, fall in love etc. Kind of weird that our perfect matches live close by don't you think?
Author sambo77 Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 Not sad. Just realistic. Before the internet and LDR's that is what everyone did. You meet somone who lives in your area, fall in love etc. Kind of weird that our perfect matches live close by don't you think? Yeah...I think it's both sad AND realistic. In our society "falling in love" has been idealised, distorted, and portrayed (in literature, modern media, and in folklore) to reflect something far greater than it actually is. In reality, I think you're right, it's someone we meet (typically not living so far away) who (a) we'd really really like to f&ck, and (b) we can (for various reasons) weave into our own dreams, fantasies and projections for what we'd like our future to look like. In our society "remaining in love forever" has also been idealised to reflect something unattainable. In reality, I think this one is less about sprinklings if fairy dust, butterflies, and deep-rooted connection than it is about toleration, commitment, and sacrifice. I think that the typical reality and the cultural construction in relation to "love" are drifting further and further apart. We internalise and live each one side by side - so that we "feel" what it's "really like," day to day, in the trenches...but we can't let go of what we have been indoctrinated to believe...that those fairy tales and rom coms MUST be the way it CAN and OUGHT to be...so we keep chasing those rainbows... 1
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