Feeling terrible, need some advice to overcome this

[irresolute]

What to do and how to continue when we break up because the other person doesnt love us back?

Just told my sm yesterday i was getting too involved and i needed a break. He didnt fight for me nor got upset. He just understood.

Im a MW. Hes the one single. I could have had tge divorce for him. I love him so much. How to continue now? I just cant function...my life seems so sad and hes not here. Gezzz i wish he'd fight for me to stay. What a horrible situation.

[Anne Boleyn]

What to do and how to continue when we break up because the other person doesnt love us back?

Just told my sm yesterday i was getting too involved and i needed a break. He didnt fight for me nor got upset. He just understood.

Im a MW. Hes the one single. I could have had tge divorce for him. I love him so much. How to continue now? I just cant function...my life seems so sad and hes not here. Gezzz i wish he'd fight for me to stay. What a horrible situation.

 

Breakups are rarely easy. If they were, we'd call them something other than a breakup.

 

You should never use a breakup as a way to reaffirm the love somebody has for you. Not all guys are fighters, and here's a guy who's with a woman he knows is unavailable. Now said unavailable woman says she has to step back... Part of him may have prepared himself for it so it's not a huge blow, or maybe he wasn't as serious as you, or maybe he's taking what you said at face value and respecting it, not taking it to mean the opposite, as a call to fight for you and a test to see if he will. Or maybe it's the opposite, he doesn't take you seriously at all and he knows in a few days, a week, a month, you'll come crawling back. Your post title does imply this is a pattern for you...

 

Playing games only works if the person you're engaging with wants to be a player. If he doesn't... Well... Here we are.

 

And as bad as this is, a clean break is hardly the worst or most horrible situation out there. A lot of people would have said you got off easy, though I know you won't see it that way at this point.

[RickFox]

He's single, you're married, he has no obligation to you, why should he fight for someone who isn't his.... pure selfishness on your part, me me me. Don't worry I did it too and got called on it ....and your husband? If he doesn't matter, let him go, go fight for the man you want to be with.

[violet1]

What to do and how to continue when we break up because the other person doesnt love us back?

Just told my sm yesterday i was getting too involved and i needed a break. He didnt fight for me nor got upset. He just understood.

Im a MW. Hes the one single. I could have had tge divorce for him. I love him so much. How to continue now? I just cant function...my life seems so sad and hes not here. Gezzz i wish he'd fight for me to stay. What a horrible situation.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. Sweetie, you need to take a step back and look at things realistically. He's a single man who looks for married women to bang from AM. I'm sorry, but why can't you see he is not relationship material? NC is a killer, stick to your guns. I got caught because I didnt stick to NC and continued. The pain you're feeling is because your life is in limbo. I steongly suggest IC and best wishes.

[Keenly]

Regardless of your marital situation.... I don't understand the woman logic of breaking up with some one and then getting upset that they didn't " fight for you ".

 

You pretty much rejected a human being in the worst way possible and your upset that he wasn't chasing after you like a dog wanting a ball ?

 

 

What about the people you have just hurt ? Did you ever think about that? Or is it only about how YOU feel that matters ?

[irresolute]

OK. I hear you all.

This is a man I love. I loved him since the day I met him and time only increased that love. I wanted to start something with him, yet he always kept his options open.

 

After a lovely night, he didin't contact me plus he went online on several dating sites. I was crushed, again! I mean, how come, we spent the night together, it was awesome, and then he went silent. Always the same with him.

So, yesterday (4 days post date!!!) I texted him I was developing feelings for him, and that I needed a break. He said OK. Just like that. No fight no nothing. He told me he thinks I'll be back.

 

So 15 minutes ago I texted him again. He did not reply. I explained why I was feeling like that, that I'll always look for the only one thing he cannot give me: love. And that I was sorry for being selfish and not account for his feelings. I told him I like him as a person, that it's not just sex for me.

 

that is the truth. I just can't have sex and continue with my life. I need THAT involvement, even if this is a SM and I'm married. I need that text after sex. I need to plan in advance, because otherwise I feel like I'm walking in quicksand.

I do need to feel the other person cares for me, and this is something he has failed to show me. always.

 

so what's the point? continue something that does not fulfill my needs? Always masking my feelings for him? What's the point, really??? I wanted him to have at least some minimal attachment to me, at least to feel secure he would be there next week. But no, he couldn't even give me that, always sneaking on dating sites, talking to other women. It's ok, he's single, but c'mon, I'm giving him everything I can and still it's not enough. I'd get the divorce for him in a minute, he just give me enough for me not to get mad at him.

[Owl]

Advice you'll not likely want to hear, but from my perspective it's the quickest way to reach a resolution in your situation.

 

File for divorce.

 

You don't love your H...you love someone else. Set him free.

 

Focusing on that will absolutely help you change your focus off of the OM who didn't fight for you.

 

And at the end of it all...it leaves you free to find someone who WILL love you and fight for you.

[Anne Boleyn]

Not to quote "He's Just Not That Into You," but... He's just not that into you. He's single and playing the field, and it doesn't matter to him how much you have to risk in order to be with him. He's not invested in that way. You'd given him the divorce so you could be with him, but he doesn't want it.

 

 

Time to just call it for what it is and let it go, or accept that this is about sex for him, regardless of what it's about for you.

[Keenly]

You have so little respect for your husband that you don't even care about how he feels or his satisfaction levels.

 

 

What makes me sad is that there are many relationship quality women who are alone and can't find anyone for whatever reason... and then there is you / this thread.

 

Leave your husband. You do not deserve him.

[violet1]

OK. I hear you all.

This is a man I love. I loved him since the day I met him and time only increased that love. I wanted to start something with him, yet he always kept his options open.

 

After a lovely night, he didin't contact me plus he went online on several dating sites. I was crushed, again! I mean, how come, we spent the night together, it was awesome, and then he went silent. Always the same with him.

So, yesterday (4 days post date!!!) I texted him I was developing feelings for him, and that I needed a break. He said OK. Just like that. No fight no nothing. He told me he thinks I'll be back.

 

So 15 minutes ago I texted him again. He did not reply. I explained why I was feeling like that, that I'll always look for the only one thing he cannot give me: love. And that I was sorry for being selfish and not account for his feelings. I told him I like him as a person, that it's not just sex for me.

 

that is the truth. I just can't have sex and continue with my life. I need THAT involvement, even if this is a SM and I'm married. I need that text after sex. I need to plan in advance, because otherwise I feel like I'm walking in quicksand.

I do need to feel the other person cares for me, and this is something he has failed to show me. always.

 

so what's the point? continue something that does not fulfill my needs? Always masking my feelings for him? What's the point, really??? I wanted him to have at least some minimal attachment to me, at least to feel secure he would be there next week. But no, he couldn't even give me that, always sneaking on dating sites, talking to other women. It's ok, he's single, but c'mon, I'm giving him everything I can and still it's not enough. I'd get the divorce for him in a minute, he just give me enough for me not to get mad at him.

 

Please keep reading what you wrote above over and over. His actions have proven to you time after time that he does NOT feel the same way about you. I know you want him to pine over you and feel attachment, but again it's NOT going to happen. Single men who look for married women off of affair sites are NOT looking for love or attachment. They want a casual fling and that's it. In fact, as hypocritical as it sounds most of these types of men would never get into a serious relationship with the MW they cheated with. Now he will avoid you like the plague because you've developed feelings for him. Stop wasting energy on a man who will never love you. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you don't seem to get it.

 

I want to ask you a question. Were you looking for an exit affair? You said you'd divorce your H for the single guy. Why do you need the single guy in the picture to get divorced? Are you afraid of being alone? Again, please get into IC immediately. You are making decisions that are very self destructive and unhealthy.

 

One more thing, you've caught this guy on a lot of dating sites. Aren't you worried that he could give you an STD? You can still contract one with condoms. Oh...and I strongly doubt what you're feeling is true love. When you have an affair, it changes the chemicals in your brain. I'm willing to bet it's deep infatuation you are feeling. It happens to the majority of people who get involved in affairs. Google infatuation and look at the results on wikipedia.

Edited January 24, 2014 by violet1

[whichwayisup]

What to do and how to continue when we break up because the other person doesnt love us back?

Just told my sm yesterday i was getting too involved and i needed a break. He didnt fight for me nor got upset. He just understood.

Im a MW. Hes the one single. I could have had tge divorce for him. I love him so much. How to continue now? I just cant function...my life seems so sad and hes not here. Gezzz i wish he'd fight for me to stay. What a horrible situation.

 

I think you've built him up in your mind to be someone he isn't. Your feelings get in the way and you can't see this situation realistically, your heart and emotions are totally clouding you.

 

He loves that YOU love him, but he isn't 'in love' with you. He is a player, enjoying women. Single ones, married ones, whatever. That is who he is and he is not going to give up his lifestyle for you. You are fooling yourself if you think he will be your future husband.

 

You need to divorce your husband, what you're doing to him horrible and he deserves a woman who will only love him.

[whichwayisup]

I wanted him to have at least some minimal attachment to me, at least to feel secure he would be there next week. But no, he couldn't even give me that, always sneaking on dating sites, talking to other women. It's ok, he's single, but c'mon, I'm giving him everything I can and still it's not enough. I'd get the divorce for him in a minute, he just give me enough for me not to get mad at him.

 

You are trying to control/tame a wild horse! It's impossible. This guy IS WHO HE IS, stop trying to put expectations on him. This is a big reason why things are the way they are. He is offering you something plain and simple, no drama. Yet you are creating this huge drama and lots of strings attached and he is rejecting it. He isn't stupid either, he knows you are married and he has absolutely NO obligation to you, he isn't committed to you at all. He will do as he pleases because he's single and enjoying his life, putting himself first.

 

Just like you are putting yourself first in your marriage.

[SoulStorm]

You've totally romanticized what is just simply a booty call for him.

 

You have feelings for a man who had sex with you one night and then didn't hear from him in 4 days.

I can guess where he was. He was with another AM conquest.

This man is gathering women like a squirrel getting acorns for winter.

 

You fell for a player of married women I bet all his women are married. Google how to pick up a married woman

 

You really need to end your marriage If you don't love your husband

 

This isn't fair to him or you

[Chi townD]

Violet raises a good point. If you ever did get with him (hee...hee...sorry, literally did laugh a little.) if he was willing to cheat with you, then he has no problem cheating on you.

 

Think about that for a while.

[RickFox]

Sadly for you, he's right. You will be back, he has you hook line and sinker.

 

He doesn't love you at all. You are a no strings attached easy side piece. I'm not trying to be harsh but you're being played and you don't see it..... noone does until it's over

[irresolute]

I just cant function right now.

We texted all morning. He said he has feelings for me. That its not just sex for him either.

But then he got somehow mad. Asking me what do i want to hear... i tried to keep it cool but he then stopped replying.

I guess ive pushed too much and he pulled away.

I think ill send him a last text saying im not contacting him anymore and that if he wants to see me he will have to contact me first.

Im drained

[RickFox]

I just cant function right now.

We texted all morning. He said he has feelingI'd contacts for me. That its not just sex for him either.

But then he got somehow mad. he began asking me what do i want to hear... i tried to keep it cool but he then stopped replying.

I guess ive pushed too much and he pulled away.

I think ill send him a last text saying im not contacting him anymore and that if he wants to see me he will have to contact me first.

Im drained

 

You just don't get it do you? You just told him that anytime he wants to get a piece all he has to do is contact you and you'll be ready and willing. That you won't bother him but hey whenever he wants to play he can call the shots

[thummper]

Irresolute, I feel really bad for you right now. I hear the longing and I can feel the loneliness and desire for this OM. I'm afraid he's translated your texts into a free pass for him whenever HE wants you, and, yes, I'm referring to sex. I know you don't want to hear that, but sometimes the truth really does hurt. You're worth more than this! I feel real anger for him treating you this way. You don't deserve that.

[gia37]

I am a divorced woman in EA with a MM, so I can relate to your situation.

It is very possible that the OM has feelings for you, but your life is a mess right now. No-one on this forum can tell you if your husband or OM or someone else is right for you or if they love you or not. Right now you have given away all your power because you think that you are worthless and you chase the OM. A woman should never think so badly of herself, and she should not chase a man, even more being married. You have lost self-respect.

You have to gain your power and self-esteem back. Think how you could do that. Many posters have suggested how to do that. Then everything will get better, I promise, it worked for me.

[whichwayisup]

I just cant function right now.

We texted all morning. He said he has feelings for me. That its not just sex for him either.

But then he got somehow mad. Asking me what do i want to hear... i tried to keep it cool but he then stopped replying.

I guess ive pushed too much and he pulled away.

I think ill send him a last text saying im not contacting him anymore and that if he wants to see me he will have to contact me first.

Im drained

 

Not sure if you can see my replies or if you have me blocked... But, if you can see what I'm writing - I wish you peace. Just let go of him. He is untame-able and just wants a simple fun affair with you. No drama, no deep feeling, just to enjoy it for what it is...But you can't handle that because you are putting strings on him and want more than he is offering you.

[2.50 a gallon]

irresolute

 

This is going to be harsh but you need to hear it.

 

You are being played! Creating completion is the next step in the players handbook of seducing married women, after the conquest. It gets them to try all the harder.

 

I used to use it to get them to let me perform a sex act that they didn't want to try, such as anal. Something more to brag about to my buddies

 

The truth is, you are and will never ever be nothing more than a conquest.

It is all a game to him.

[violet1]

irresolute

 

This is going to be harsh but you need to hear it.

 

You are being played! Creating completion is the next step in the players handbook of seducing married women, after the conquest. It gets them to try all the harder.

 

I used to use it to get them to let me perform a sex act that they didn't want to try, such as anal. Something more to brag about to my buddies

 

The truth is, you are and will never ever be nothing more than a conquest.

It is all a game to him.

We are all telling her this, but she refuses to listen. I think she enjoys putting her heart in a blender.

[janedoe67]

I don't know if any of this will resonate with you, but...

 

I will go ahead and say before I start that having an A is wrong and I fully believe it is 100% the responsibility of the cheater. I'm saying that because what I am going to share is going to trigger the heck out of a lot of posters, but it might help you.

 

I have a theory that for some WW's, by the time they make the choice to have an A, they have already allowed themselves to have very little self-worth and they have allowed themselves to be in a very acute place of being vulnerable. I also think there are men who have "vulnerable lonely married woman" radar. I am not absolving the WW, BUT I wonder if part of the reason that this breakup is so soul ripping for you is because you were this empty person desperate for whoever would "fill" that empty place (please no ugly remarks about that). You put all your emotional eggs in this basket. An intense relationship affects us intensely, and when we start that kind of relationship at a weak and vulnerable time, it just multiplies all that. I had an EA with someone I never even MET face to face. I was so vulnerable and desperate for validation, and he was goooood. Yes, it was my choice, but even while we were communicating there were clues that I was being played. He would send me the same songs and not realize it. He would say things that sounded a little "contrived" the first time, but definitely seemed like part of a script by the third time. Basically he was using the same "charm" on multiple woman and apparently wasn't smart enough to keep up with what he had told/sent whom all the time. He KNEW I felt things for him. He never said he didn't, he never clearly said he did.

 

Then one day a mutual friend announced being in love with this great guy blah blah blah, and it was HIM! Here was some person I had never even met, and when I heard the news I got out of my chair to go cry in the bathroom and my knees buckled. It was such an out of proportion response given the brevity and the never-even-touched nature of the thing. BUT I was a gaping hole when I met him ,so I soaked him up in desperation, and then when it ended my lifeline was GONE.

 

Here is what I can say several years later - for all the heartache and how good his brand of charm made me feel, I dodged a bullet. Big. Time. You are in massive pain right now, which I can see from my perspective is out of proportion considering how shallow this relationship really was and what you have done to your h, etc. BUT I do get why it feels so life-ending.

 

This is going to seem like the opposite of what you should do, but I PROMISE it is a good thing to do:

 

Cut off every bit of contact with him, not even friendship or chatting or ANYTHING. He is now dead to you.

 

Tell your husband. Just lay it out there and be honest.

 

Get some IC

 

From right now, examine everything you do by asking yourself: is this word/action in line with what someone with integrity would do.

[ms_enigmatic]

What to do and how to continue when we break up because the other person doesnt love us back?

Just told my sm yesterday i was getting too involved and i needed a break. He didnt fight for me nor got upset. He just understood.

Im a MW. Hes the one single. I could have had tge divorce for him. I love him so much. How to continue now? I just cant function...my life seems so sad and hes not here. Gezzz i wish he'd fight for me to stay. What a horrible situation.

 

he didnt fight for you because you are just an easy piece for him. BTDT. he has 3, 4 or more on the line just like you. when you arent available he just moves down the line to the next one.

 

He is a sexual predator. You need to run from him FAST. You need to reconcile with your husband or divorce.

[Aspasia33]

I'm a MW, he is a SM. We've been seeing each other for quite a long time, sex with no strings, but I love him. I've always loved him.

Two months ago, he was super excited to reconnect after a period of no contact. I had all his attention. It was great. All day long chatting, he looked for me all the time, we met once or twice a week, it was all great. Until last week. I started to sense he was getting cold, but he still looked for me. I stalked him on the internet only to find he's seeing another woman. It is all pretty recent, all started last week, but she seems desperate for him, and him for her. She is single, cute, thin and fun.

Since then, he stopped contact with me. He hasn't looked for me, but he is all the time chatting with this woman. Though he disappears some times, she gets crazy and looks for him. It makes me sick to see this sick game. He is doing to her the same things he's done to me: giving her a little, disappearing just for her to go crazy and look for him, and then he has what he wants. He is evil.

and he's ignoring me, like I'm disposable.

 

Right now that I've discovered all the story, I just cannot breath. I haven't eaten in all day, and the only thing I can do is stalking them just to realize they are chatting and messaging.

 

Please help, this situation is consuming me, I an addicted and don;t know how to overcome this pain. It's more than I can handle

I haven't read your whole post.. But I am sorry you are in so much pain. For what it's worth.. I think he does love you, but I think it's very difficult for a single man to be the OM.. I think they find it demeaning and disempowering to there masculinity not to be the main man, so to speak. Perhaps this is his way of trying to wean himself of you ? I do think it's easier? When both AP are married.

I'll go and read the rest of your posts, but again, big hugs, I know it hurts like hell.