Feeling terrible, need some advice to overcome this

January 22, 2014

Thanks for your replies. I know hes chatting with her because he looked for her on a dating site, they were online at tge same time for a couple days, then he disappeared, she started to log in like crazy, every minute, intil he reappeared again and now theyre both online on messenger. Isnt that enough?

plus he stopped looking for me at the same time, what other proof i need?

Thing is i contacted him and he denied it to me, i couldnt say to him that I know this for sure for obvious reasons, but he agreed to meet me tomorrow.
It will be the last time i see him. Ive already decided this. He says he is not ready for a.full time relationship but i know he says this until he finds the right one. Im.aware of this. Im selfish at this point, i cannot make him commit to me when i am not available as well.
Its.probable he cancels last.minute due to this other woman he is talking to, but i wont take it personal. You are right, he is not the right one for me.it hurts like hell but hey what can i do at this point? Just shallow my anger and frustration and try to think what the hell i am going to do with my life. I hate hubby so much..he makes my life miserable every minute. And thus guy, he was my only escape

Well, if hubs is so awful, why aren't you getting out of the relationship. Your loverboy is still looking for the "right one", and from what you've told us, he's decided you ain't the one. I really am sorry you're going through this. Get yourself free and eventually you'll find your "right one."

January 22, 2014

I have an idea for you.

Why don't you talk to husband about what to do - he knows you and your situation best. Maybe he has experiences from his extramarital relationships he can share with you, I assume you have an open marriage.

Edited January 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

January 22, 2014

What do you want me to communicate? things are clear. You think he doesn't know I'm available for him? I've always been!
It's not words, it's how people acts in certain circumstances, and everything I've done so far has given him a clue I'm very much into him. He's a troubled man,he's scared of have feelings, I have to be careful.
I don't know, just a long day today. I wish he was here, miss him so much. It hurts I can't tell him this, but I do miss him very much.

On the ohter hand, he's active online and who knows is hes talking to someone else. I just don't want him to reject me. I guess we are both troubled people, scared of rejection, scared of open ourselves to something different...
I honestly don't know what to do, I'm just calling it a night..

Did you ever find out if other man was cheating on you?

January 22, 2014

Okay, irresolute, based on your recent posts, I don't think is going to end well for you. Time for some hard truths...

If he's a real 9, you are being played. Sorry. Real 9's do not go on AM unless they are trained PUA's (pick up artists) or inherently know game. If he's a real 9 (you're probably idealizing him a bit) then what do you offer him? Your undying love? Please. You've already described him as shallow with looks. He's not looking for love. If he was looking for love, he'd be on Match.com. Your professions of love tell him he knows he has the upper hand in all of this. It is a game, whether you like it or not. It's a mating dance, except that he's a better dancer.

If he's openly flirting with other beautiful women, what does that tell you? He's just keeping you in orbit. You know of one other girlfriend, there are probably more. I'm sorry but for him you are noting more than a sweet, cute married woman whom he can indulge himself with. You are feeding his ego big time.

Why are married women great for guys like him? You've been pre-screened (some guy found you valuable enough to marry you), you're probably disease free, you want some excitement and attention, he gets a high off of it and you'll pretty much do anything he wants you to do. At the snap of his finger. You'd leave your husband for him if he told you to. You're infatuated, you like the challenge, you're flattered he's with you, you want to tame the bad boy and you want to unravel the mystery of this guy and get him to be vulnerable with you. I'm telling you, there's not much there. He sounds pretty narcissistic.

You told him you'd divorce your H and he started to pull back. Well... duh. He doesn't want commitment, not with you or anybody. He's having too much fun right now.

If this goes the normal course, he will dump you because you're falling for him and it will no longer be fun for him. It will be stressful to deal with your emotions. So he'll tell you that you're a great person, he's so happy your paths crossed, but that it can never be because he's just not ready for commitment. He'll tell you to go work on your marriage or wish you luck on your next affair.

I think it's better for your self-respect if you dump him. Otherwise you will be sobbing and pining over someone who was never really right for you in the first place. But it sounds like you are from being able to dump him. You are caught in his web, and this man will never ever commit to you. You have a man who committed to you but you don't want him any more. If that's the case, you should stop wasting his time and let him find someone who will truly love him. Because right now it sounds like you are just looking for the next sturdy branch to jump to. You went on AM looking for an affair and you got one. Affairs are a mess even if you are good at compartmentalizing. It doesn't sound like you are emotionally stable or confident enough in yourself to do that, because you got caught up with someone "out of your league" and developed feelings for him.

You can't get this guy so don't even try. You'll only hurt yourself more in the process.

Your words are resonating now, I'm so hurt you can't even imagine it.

Every word you've said is the horrible truth. He's even said that to me once" that he was happy to meet me and he wished me well blah blah..

It's been almost 48 hours since the affectionate night and no contact. I was sure about this other woman he was talking to online. He convinced me he wasn't talking to anyone. I believed him.

Now I'm thinking, wow, he must have a couple other women right now, and he's trying to accommodate all in his schedule. Maybe for that reason he changed our night date. And he changed another day last week last minute also.

Truth is he's online searching all the time. Plus he's a 9. Plus many desperate women out there. not that difficult huh?

I've done a lot of things for him lately and maybe because of that he wants to have me in his orbit. But why on earth he would stay all night with me, there was no reason to do that! Doing this, he only got me more attached than I was! And he already knew I was attached so really, there was no reason to do that. Only a sick person will play that way.

Not only he stayed all night, he didn't want to leave. Not only he slept in my bed, but also took my hand and looked for contact while sleeping.

And not only he had sex with me, but he kissed, and couldn't stop kissing me all night. I remember when we first had sex, about one year ago, he didn't want to kiss me. And his kisses were cold and short, no feelings involved.

This time was different. You can tell, c'mon!

AND not only all that, but he told me he was feeling a little attached to me.

He must be evil in person then. For a man who told me he would never hurt me, to do all that ****. For what???? He already know I like him very much, this is non sense!!!!!

Edited January 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

January 22, 2014

Did you ever find out if other man was cheating on you?

NEVER. I can infer he is talking to other women by his online patterns. I can search who other women is online at the same time as his, and based on that, if the pattern repeats, I can infer he might be talking to her. Plus I know what type of women does he like. Not that difficult. He's not trying to mask anything and I can easily track his online behavior.

He gave me a lot of excuses in the past and I'm open to hear about his relationships, yet he's been reluctant to tell me which other women is he seeing. I wonder why.

January 22, 2014

Your words are resonating now, I'm so hurt you can't even imagine it.
Every word you've said is the horrible truth. He's even said that to me once" that he was happy to meet me and he wished me well blah blah..
It's been almost 48 hours since the affectionate night and no contact. I was sure about this other woman he was talking to online. He convinced me he wasn't talking to anyone. I believed him.

Now I'm thinking, wow, he must have a couple other women right now, and he's trying to accommodate all in his schedule. Maybe for that reason he changed our night date. And he changed another day last week last minute also.
Truth is he's online searching all the time. Plus he's a 9. Plus many desperate women out there. not that difficult huh?

I've done a lot of things for him lately and maybe because of that he wants to have me in his orbit. But why on earth he would stay all night with me, there was no reason to do that! Doing this, he only got me more attached than I was! And he already knew I was attached so really, there was no reason to do that. Only a sick person will play that way.

Not only he stayed all night, he didn't want to leave. Not only he slept in my bed, but also took my hand and looked for contact while sleeping.

And not only he had sex with me, but he kissed, and couldn't stop kissing me all night. I remember when we first had sex, about one year ago, he didn't want to kiss me. And his kisses were cold and short, no feelings involved.
This time was different. You can tell, c'mon!

AND not only all that, but he told me he was feeling a little attached to me.

He must be evil in person then. For a man who told me he would never hurt me, to do all that ****. For what???? He already know I like him very much, this is non sense!!!!!

Non-sense is you not realizing your married and upset that a single guy is doing this to you! Imagine how your husband would feel if he knew this?!?!?

If you have no feelings for your husband then tell him your delemia. Why even stay married?

January 22, 2014

One thing at a time, and all in due time.

The way to overcome this is to divorce your husband first. It seems to me that you respect him so little, that you don't even mention him in this terrible mess.

Leave him and let him find happyness with someone who value him. Then you can proceed the drama with your part time lover, his girlfriend and you. But first things first: Divorce.

January 22, 2014

I'm sorry, I'm not going to reply to this thread anymore because I am not looking for people to told me to divorce or whatever. I came here looking for some insight. for that reason I posted on other men/women. I understand that this part of the forum is for people who had been cheated on and I'm truly sorry about your experiences, but this is not what my original post was about.

Please forgive me I'm talking about this, I don't want to hurt anyone with my posts. I've been flagged for asking my post to be moved to the original section. I really don't know what else to do. I'm sorry again.

January 22, 2014

Irresolute,

It's going to be difficult for you to get support now since the mods moved you into the Infidelity forum. You will be bashed here by many but if you stick around long enough you will hear things that will really help you.

I'll stick with you, though.

You are hurting deeply, it's evident. I think your head is waking up but your heart is holding on. You are in deep. Very deep.

I don't think you don't understand the heart of this guy, though. He gives it out in pieces, as he wants. The kissing and the holding and the romantic overtures? I am sure he has affection and passion for you, but not nearly at the "love" level you are feeling and not nearly as single-mindedly.

Think about this again.. there could one or two other women out there who are at different stages with him. There could be another woman cross town just starting her first entry on a relationship forum or crying in her pillow. I'm sure there's a trail of broken hearts over the years. You want exclusivity, and he does not. That's not going to change, don't be delusional!

So please quit hurting yourself.

Let me ask you, do you think there's any chance you can fall in love with your husband again? The healthy kind of love, with passion and integrity, and not this toxic and dramatic go-nowhere love?

January 22, 2014

Irresolute,

It's going to be difficult for you to get support now since the mods moved you into the Infidelity forum. You will be bashed here by many but if you stick around long enough you will hear things that will really help you.

I'll stick with you, though.

You are hurting deeply, it's evident. I think your head is waking up but your heart is holding on. You are in deep. Very deep.

I don't think you don't understand the heart of this guy, though. He gives it out in pieces, as he wants. The kissing and the holding and the romantic overtures? I am sure he has affection and passion for you, but not nearly at the "love" level you are feeling and not nearly as single-mindedly.

Think about this again.. there could one or two other women out there who are at different stages with him. There could be another woman cross town just starting her first entry on a relationship forum or crying in her pillow. I'm sure there's a trail of broken hearts over the years. You want exclusivity, and he does not. That's not going to change, don't be delusional!

So please quit hurting yourself.

Let me ask you, do you think there's any chance you can fall in love with your husband again? The healthy kind of love, with passion and integrity, and not this toxic and dramatic go-nowhere love?

We are not getting along with hubby. simple as that. We fight a lot, there's a lot of manipulation involved, it's not a healthy relationship. I wish I could love him like I loved him when we first met. I just can't. I'm broken right now.

the thought of other women crying for SM sickens me. I've cried for more than a year for him. I just can't block him anymore. I just can't. I've done it so many times already.

I do have deep feelings for SM. And I think if he's playing with that, he's really sick and not valuable of my love. Simple as that. If a person can play with other's feelings to deeply hurt them, it's not valuable of love. however, if this person is doing it unaware of the consequences...whom to blame for? I honestly don't think he want's to hurt me on purpose.

I do think he doesn't know what to do, or he is wishi washi and comes and goes as he feels to. That might be his personality.

Otherwise, how to explain such demonstration of affectivity with a woman he knows has deep feelings for him. Can't find an answer.

I've stopped looking for him on the internet. In fact, I haven't logged on since last met him 2 days ago. I have no clue what he's doing, only true fact is he hasn't contacted me.

I'm doing fine though. This is a repeating pattern. I thought after our night together this was going to change, but no.

January 22, 2014

We are not getting along with hubby. simple as that. We fight a lot, there's a lot of manipulation involved, it's not a healthy relationship. I wish I could love him like I loved him when we first met. I just can't. I'm broken right now.

Geez, I wonder why!

It's sad really, you have said very little to NOTHING about your husband. You know, the man that you pledged your life to at the alter in front of friends, family and God.

Did it ever occur to you that the reason you don't get along with your husband is because you have to demonize him in your mind so you don't have to feel guilty about what you're doing. You state that you fight a lot. I speculate that you're the one that starts most of the fights because you didn't like what he did or said about something. Easy to forgive yourself if you're mad at someone.

And you stated that you feel deposable to the OM. BECAUSE YOU ARE!!! Your a married woman! Just where the hell do you think this relationship was going to go anyway? The other night he told you EXACTLY what you wanted to hear so he could hit it and quit it! If you think I'm wrong, where the hell is he now?

You're getting played and you're not only hurting yourself, but your husband. You know, the guy that you pledged to "forsake all others" for.

If you're not happy with your husband, then divorce him. Let him find someone that's going to love him and want to be with him because there's no other place in the world she would rather be. You're holding onto him for what exactly?

And what the hell is this WE crap. We are not getting along with the husband. WE fight a lot. Who the hell is WE. It should be me and my husband, not WE. Does he know about this douche rocket you've been sleeping with?

Edited January 22, 2014 by Chi townD

January 22, 2014

Geez, I wonder why!

It's sad really, you have said very little to NOTHING about your husband. You know, the man that you pledged your life to at the alter in front of friends, family and God.

Did it ever occur to you that the reason you don't get along with your husband is because you have to demonize him in your mind so you don't have to feel guilty about what you're doing. You state that you fight a lot. I speculate that you're the one that starts most of the fights because you didn't like what he did or said about something. Easy to forgive yourself if you're mad at someone.

And you stated that you feel deposable to the OM. BECAUSE YOU ARE!!! Your a married woman! Just where the hell do you think this relationship was going to go anyway? The other night he told you EXACTLY what you wanted to hear so he could hit it and quit it! If you think I'm wrong, where the hell is he now?

You're getting played and you're not only hurting yourself, but your husband. You know, the guy that you pledged to "forsake all others" for.

If you're not happy with your husband, then divorce him. Let him find someone that's going to love him and want to be with him because there's no other place in the world she would rather be. You're holding onto him for what exactly?

And what the hell is this WE crap. We are not getting along with the husband. WE fight a lot. Who the hell is WE. It should be me and my husband, not WE. Does he know about this douche rocket you've been sleeping with?

Gezz, you know how make a person feel good huh? thank for your words though. I appreciate the part where you said I am not getting along with hubby because of this other relationship. Very true.

But, please, don't make me feel worse asking me where's SM now...I feel already miserable, don't remind me how f###d up I am, I know that already.

January 22, 2014

Gezz, you know how make a person feel good huh? thank for your words though. I appreciate the part where you said I am not getting along with hubby because of this other relationship. Very true.

But, please, don't make me feel worse asking me where's SM now...I feel already miserable, don't remind me how f###d up I am, I know that already.

But your doing to your husband what the SM is doing to you! How is it ok for you to do it to the man your married to but it's not ok for the single guy with no attachments to do it? I don't understand.

I'm sorry I said this should be moved, I apologize if I hurt your feelings by saying that. This just angers me. You treat your husband like crap but complain the guy your cheating with is doing the same thing to you.

January 22, 2014

But your doing to your husband what the SM is doing to you! How is it ok for you to do it to the man your married to but it's not ok for the single guy with no attachments to do it? I don't understand.

I'm sorry I said this should be moved, I apologize if I hurt your feelings by saying that. This just angers me. You treat your husband like crap but complain the guy your cheating with is doing the same thing to you.

I thought I was the only one who saw the irony in that.

January 22, 2014

We are not getting along with hubby. simple as that. We fight a lot, there's a lot of manipulation involved, it's not a healthy relationship. I wish I could love him like I loved him when we first met. I just can't. I'm broken right now.

the thought of other women crying for SM sickens me. I've cried for more than a year for him. I just can't block him anymore. I just can't. I've done it so many times already.

I do have deep feelings for SM. And I think if he's playing with that, he's really sick and not valuable of my love. Simple as that. If a person can play with other's feelings to deeply hurt them, it's not valuable of love. however, if this person is doing it unaware of the consequences...whom to blame for? I honestly don't think he want's to hurt me on purpose.
I do think he doesn't know what to do, or he is wishi washi and comes and goes as he feels to. That might be his personality.
Otherwise, how to explain such demonstration of affectivity with a woman he knows has deep feelings for him. Can't find an answer.

I've stopped looking for him on the internet. In fact, I haven't logged on since last met him 2 days ago. I have no clue what he's doing, only true fact is he hasn't contacted me.
I'm doing fine though. This is a repeating pattern. I thought after our night together this was going to change, but no.

Neither your A nor your marriage is a healthy relationship right now.

You've got a rough year ahead of you, and you are an emotional mess.

Unrequited love is one of those most painful kinds of love, and it is killing you right now.

Have you gone to see a doctor? You could probably benefit from med or sleeping pills.

He's probably going to contact you at some point, but what are you going to say when he does? Doesn't sound like you are ready to deliver any kind of ultimatum.

It's not that he's indecisiveness, it's that he's not as in to you as you are to him. I will keep reminding you of this until it sinks in. Are you seeing any one else? No. You don't want to be with anyone else (not even your H). Is he seeing other people? Yes! Why? Because he wants to and he has no obligation to anyone. He enjoys the company of women and having different relationships. Not just sex, but adventures in emotional connections. He likes the variety, the chase, the drama. He probably doesn't understand how much he is hurting you, just like you don't understand how much it's going to hurt your husband when he finds out.

You've got to find a way to get this man out of your system. He's thinking about you a fraction as much as you are thinking about him.

January 22, 2014

appreciate, please don't say that. you are making me cry...

January 22, 2014

appreciate, please don't say that. you are making me cry...

How can you not see you are treating your husband worse then this guy is treating you? He's single! You're married. Other then sleeping with a married woman he's not doing anything wrong. He's not committed to you.

January 22, 2014

I don't want to see you cry any more than you already have, Irresolute.

But I'm not going to be soft on you either.

Is everything at this point dependent on him? You're losing yourself in this, and I want to see you take back some control.

January 22, 2014

Gezz, you know how make a person feel good huh? thank for your words though. I appreciate the part where you said I am not getting along with hubby because of this other relationship. Very true.

But, please, don't make me feel worse asking me where's SM now...I feel already miserable, don't remind me how f###d up I am, I know that already.

Hey, it's called getting hit in the head with a 2x4 to wake you up! You got your head so far up in the clouds you don't know which way is up or down.

You hate to hear what people are saying about the OM. Are what they are saying about him is wrong? You've discovered that he is not exclusive to you. Well, why would he be exclusive to a married woman! The only time this dude gets a hold of you first is when he wants something. And I think you know what that is. NEWS FLASH! That's not love! He's tickled pink that he can knock boots with you and send you on your marry way! Because you have to get home to your (apparently) clueless husband!

Now, here's the rub. If your husband doesn't already know what's going on, he knows something now. He's been married to you for so long that he knows you well enough to know something is off. He may be looking into things right now. And I wouldn't be surprised if he's the one that divorces you.

You might think that, that would be great because the OM will be there to pick up the pieces, but he'll throw you under the bus in a New York minute. Because the thrill of doing something taboo is gone. The no strings attached sex is now forming strings. I've seen it time and time again. Then, you're going to be left with nothing. No husband, no safety and security of family and home, and a lover that won't return your calls.

2x4 time! That's what you get to look forward to!

You say that your not attracted to your husband anymore (says EVERY WOMAN IN AN AFFAIR). Well, of course not! You got your head so far up this other dudes ass that you've lost sight of what should be the most important man in your life. The guy that should not only be your lover, but your best friend, your partner in crime, someone to walk through life with hand in hand. You know what, the OM didn't sign on for that job. And, given his actions, he's not willing to either.

You seriously need to take a step back, take a deep breath and think seriously about everything you stand to lose.

Look, I get it. You fell for a guy and you got caught up in something. And (even though you don't want to hear it) the OM took advantage of that. And yeah, it hurt because you thought there was something more to it. But, to be honest with you, you're not in love with this guy. You're in love with the POSSIBILTY of this dude.

January 22, 2014

I'm sorry, I'm not going to reply to this thread anymore because I am not looking for people to told me to divorce or whatever. I came here looking for some insight. for that reason I posted on other men/women. I understand that this part of the forum is for people who had been cheated on and I'm truly sorry about your experiences, but this is not what my original post was about.
Please forgive me I'm talking about this, I don't want to hurt anyone with my posts. I've been flagged for asking my post to be moved to the original section. I really don't know what else to do. I'm sorry again.

No need to be sorry. I hope that a desperate husband out there who might stumble across this thread will get a more clear look at things, and maybe it will make the decision easier for him. Or them.

But don't think a husband will take a woman for granted who's fighting with him most of the time. Either he will divorce sooner or later, or maybe someday you'll be the one to find him with an affair.

I'm also sorry for bashy comments, including mine, but most threads made it clear that sounding nice also meant that the message wasn't really going into the OPs' head.

January 22, 2014

Irresolute,

I just saw a post from a poster in the OW/OM forum I think you should read since it's relevant to your case:

My heart goes out to you for what you are going through. I met a MM under a similar setup, but I'm ahead of you time wise. There are so many things I learn and see in hind sight. Everyone is different but I can tell you what I know about MMs I met online. These MMs have surprisingly similar traits.

- They are very skilled at online and offline seduction, because they practice often. They say the right thing and have all the right moves. Women who have not been wooed by a man for a while are easy targets because these women are so gullible and so ready. Your MM sounds like a smooth operator, scoring with you first time he met you, and distancing himself cleanly after that.

- They are extremely calculative. They know how to minimize their efforts(time, emails, calls, affection) to maximize their satisfaction. You think you initiated the NC? Think again. It could very well be what he want from you.

- They go after several women at the same time. They say the same things, make the same moves, have the same connection with all these other women. Men are so different. They can hold several. Meeting men online is very risky exactly for this reason. You never know what they are doing on the other side of the terminal, and I suggest you not be naive and soul-maty about it. What he is doing with you, he is most likely doing with other women now.

- Even if these MM are miserable in their marriage and decided to D, they most probably won't choose a woman they met online and have casual sex with. These men are smart and selfish, they are scums that aim high.

- They are so much less of a man than our own husbands, but they are smooth operators.

You're with an SM but I am sure you can see many of the traits are the same.

Time to get out of it.

Edited January 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Added attribution

January 22, 2014

You've never explained what your betrayed husband has done in your marriage to make you hate and despise him to the extent you say you do. No one deserves to be treated with the depth of callous disrespect that you're currently showing to him. Is there a reason why you can't just divorce the guy and let him find someone who CAN love and respect him? If not, then for heaven's sake, let the poor guy go. He's not getting anything out of living with a woman who has given her heart and body to another man.....a man, who apparently has NO intention of taking a relationship with her any further than the bedroom. This has GOT to be taking a toll on your self-esteem and possibly even your health. Is it worth it? Apparently neither you nor your husband is getting anything out of this marriage, so why stay in it? Move on for your sake as well as his. Please!

Edited January 22, 2014 by thummper

January 23, 2014

Irresolute, you still there?

After reading some of these posts, you're probably getting a sense of how angry and hurt your husband would be if he knew the truth. If you let the OM in your marital bed, it really is the most disrespectful thing you could have done to your H.

It's time to face reality. You played with fire and you're getting burned.

What are you thinking right now?

January 23, 2014

I'm sorry, I'm not going to reply to this thread anymore because I am not looking for people to told me to divorce or whatever. I came here looking for some insight. for that reason I posted on other men/women. I understand that this part of the forum is for people who had been cheated on and I'm truly sorry about your experiences, but this is not what my original post was about.
Please forgive me I'm talking about this, I don't want to hurt anyone with my posts. I've been flagged for asking my post to be moved to the original section. I really don't know what else to do. I'm sorry again.

I hope you change your mind and come back. Even if you don't like some of the advice you were given, it still was helpful advice that maybe some day you'll read again and see many were just trying to help.

You gave some pretty harsh advice and words to another poster, something she did not ask for, but it seems you can't take it if someone offers you advice that you don't like?

Good luck and I hope you find peace, whatever road that takes you on.

January 23, 2014

Apologies for the question I had above, if it is still there. I think I missed something and asked a dumb question. Sooo.....moving on. Sorry ya'll.

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