BlametheIrish Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 He lied to me again. It was something big just like last time. I was really working on rebuilding trust in him. He treated me exactly hoe a woman should be treated except for those two big lies. Sitting hete debating weather I should end it now, or see if he can redeem himself. To him I am cold and stoic, but inside my stomach is churning. I refuse to cry, I don't want him to know he has that much power over my emotions. I'm not an overly picky woman, I dont have grandiose ideas of what I need in a man. And yet I keep getting deceived by men who seem like they are kind hearted gentleman. I prefer the slightly shy self proclaimed dork to the arrogant flashy Mr. look at me, and still I get ****ed over. I don't know what to believe anymore, everything is backwards when the seemingly trustworthy, caring guy can decieve you for his own selfish reasons. FML
Author BlametheIrish Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 Don't want to.go crazy in depth about it but during the beginning of our relationship he was chatting up some ugly whore (ugly inside and out) very innappropriate concersations btw. Just for attention, he says. Some chick he almost dated then decided not to, then she moved to.another state when they were chatting during our relationship. I told him to.tell me if she ever contacts him again. Well she did last night, I found out after searching his phone (which he knows and allows me to.do after the first time I caught him taling to.her). I didnt find anything on his phone in relation to her. But I asked him if there was anything he would like to.tell me. He probably assumed I found the message somehow (he thinks I'm good with computers, ha!) But he nit only didnt tell me about the message but he deleted it leaving my mind to.wander in a bad way about the conversation that took place. Hope that makes sense im shaking as I.type this.
Eggplant Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Only look at what he does, not what he says. This guy isn't relationship material. The first red flag should have been enough. 2
mammasita Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 How deep into this relationship are you? From where I'm sitting it seems like it's not worth it if you're having to search his phone. I get that he allows you to, but is it really worth it? So he's trying to rebuild trust, ok....aaaaaaaaand his first big chance is a major fail. 2
Bluefin12 Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Yep.. save yourself time and heartache and ditch the guy!
gaius Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Those dorks aren't any more likely to behave themselves than the more outgoing guys. Probably even less. I remember one girl who dated all kinds of guys and she always said the more overweight ones would be more critical of her and were up to more nonsense. You would think they'd be more grateful for what they had but no. They're just more insecure. 2
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Only look at what he does, not what he says. This guy isn't relationship material. The first red flag should have been enough. This. Blame, I think it's time for a necessary and permanent change dear.
Barbarossa Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Trust is a crucial part of relationships for me. If someone lied to me twice about contacting a member of the opposite sex in an inappropriate way I would leave them. If you don't have much time invested in the relationship I would start NC immediately. You seem young from your avatar you have plenty of time to find someone more trustworthy. 2
ascendotum Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Trust is a crucial part of relationships for me. If someone lied to me twice about contacting a member of the opposite sex in an inappropriate way I would leave them. Incorrect the 'ugly whore' woman contacted him. The bf merely failed to report in on this incident. I would hardly describe it as '****ed over yet again' as the OP said. The 'ugly whore' woman lives hundreds of miles away to, so its not like her bf can just sneak on over to her place one evening to comfort her. I do agree with those that say if she has to spy on her bf all the time, then its not really an ideal relationship. Though I sense with her trend on bfs she might be inclined to want do it with her next guy too, just to make sure he's up to no good.
Author BlametheIrish Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 I may come iff as a bit juvenile in these posts but I'm quite ovetcome eith emotion. Ill be 30 this summer and my bf is 34. He is a bit immature fir his age in soms respects and likd the attention from this woman as he had just lost a good of weight and got into amazing shape. Not even a hoid excuse but at least I understand what motivated his deceit. This yime when she contacted him he said she was going on about her abusive bf again and hd told her sorry about that but I've got a new,woman in my life who wouldn't appreciate us talking. Apparantly thats how the conversation wrnt down and ended per him as he deleyed the conversation. Said he felt guilty and didnt want to.ruin his birthday with her bs so he was waiting yo.tell md later. I told hkm if he would just let me know in.the first place and showed,me the conversation he could have avoided all this. We will be together a uear soon and the only reason IM considering stayinh is aside ftom those two incidents he has been everything I.could ask for in a significant other. But trust is vital to a healthy relationship, I'm at a loss. As to the poster who comment on yhe dork thing, Ive just always enjoyed dating men who can be goofy/ silly without worrying what other people think. I've always found a lot of men I've dated with this personality type tend to be quite optimistic, another very attractive trait I find in an SO. 3
InnocentMan Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 You need to take a deep breath and put this into perspective. It's hardly crime of the century, even if it does upset you. If you believe his version of events, then I wouldn't waste another moment thinking about it. You've only been together a year, and most people have a past that occasionally rears it's ugly head. It sounds like he dealt with it quite maturely. Your need to check his phone is a bigger problem, and shows a lack of respect/trust. You may well think you have 'reasons' for this, but it's really not healthy, for either of you. This is a habit you really need to drop. You either trust him, or you don't. People in couples still need a level of privacy. It doesn't mean they are up to something. People love to preach about openness and honesty, but would you really be comfortable with your bf knowing every single thing you do? Every search you make on Google? Every post you make on this very forum? Don't make mountains out of molehills. Enough trouble will come to your relationship, without the constant search for it. 1
Author BlametheIrish Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 Incorrect the 'ugly whore' woman contacted him. The bf merely failed to report in on this incident. I would hardly describe it as '****ed over yet again' as the OP said. The 'ugly whore' woman lives hundreds of miles away to, so its not like her bf can just sneak on over to her place one evening to comfort her. I do agree with those that say if she has to spy on her bf all the time, then its not really an ideal relationship. Though I sense with her trend on bfs she might be inclined to want do it with her next guy too, just to make sure he's up to no good. My rx husband cheated on me and mt current bf knows that trust is a huge thing to breach. He talked to this woman behind my back with.very sexual and innsppropriate words and pictures. Hardly something to.look over. Many people who.havr been cheated on require transparency to.help mend the relstionship. I sm one of those people. He told this "friend" he was still single. He breached my trust big time, he didnt need to.get hus dick wet to.do that. Then he failed the terms he agreed to.to.build back.trust. Which weren't particularly stringent. I never had a problem respecting his,privacy before he ****ed up.
soccerrprp Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I'm sorry OP. You need to work on your esteem and insecurities. 1. Why is he communicating with her? 2. Why did he try to deceive you? 3. Why did he feel the need to delete the conversation if innocent? Did you see any of it?
Author BlametheIrish Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 You need to take a deep breath and put this into perspective. It's hardly crime of the century, even if it does upset you. If you believe his version of events, then I wouldn't waste another moment thinking about it. You've only been together a year, and most people have a past that occasionally rears it's ugly head. It sounds like he dealt with it quite maturely. Your need to check his phone is a bigger problem, and shows a lack of respect/trust. You may well think you have 'reasons' for this, but it's really not healthy, for either of you. This is a habit you really need to drop. You either trust him, or you don't. People in couples still need a level of privacy. It doesn't mean they are up to something. People love to preach about openness and honesty, but would you really be comfortable with your bf knowing every single thing you do? Every search you make on Google? Every post you make on this very forum? Don't make mountains out of molehills. Enough trouble will come to your relationship, without the constant search for it. So would you be okay with a girlfriend sending messages of sexual pictures to an old potential gf. Lying saying she was single among other things?. 1
Author BlametheIrish Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 I'm sorry OP. You need to work on your esteem and insecurities. 1. Why is he communicating with her? Last time was for aytention he says hes always bedn.insecurd in his looks 2. Why did he try to deceive you? He didnt want md to.get mad. The finny thing is I dont get sngry snd freak out over things, I like to discuss thongs with him in a clear and concise manner. He told me he is spinless and couldnt just tell het straight up that they can no.longer communicate. 3. Why did he feel the need to delete the conversation if innocent? Did you see any of it?[ I.didnt see any of it. I asked him if he had anything to tell me as he wasn't acting ng himself. He confessrd not soon after /QUOTE] I had no insecurities in our relationship until he ****ed up btw.
Under The Radar Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Honestly, you should probably break up with this guy as it is unlikely he'll ever be able to redeem himself in your eyes. By your own admission you brought significant trust issues into your current relationship. As a result, his transgressions from your perspective are being misproportionately magnified. Consequently, he will always be painstakingly scrutinized ...... which is a cloud that never goes away. I foresee unhappiness for both of you should the relationship continue.
InnocentMan Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 So would you be okay with a girlfriend sending messages of sexual pictures to an old potential gf. Lying saying she was single among other things?. I just read your other post explaining how he lied the first time. To be honest, I would've been gone after that, especially seeing as it must have been early in the relationship. You didn't leave, so you must have forgiven him to a certain extent. Checking his phone, and wanting to know all his communications is still not healthy. I've been in a similar situation, and made all the same mistakes, so I know how it feels. His second lie, is nothing like his first lie, but you obviously haven't forgiven him for the first lie. I would suggest you deal with the first issue, as you don't seem to have moved on from it. Having him agree to you checking his phone, is not dealing with anything. 1
potsticker Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Those dorks aren't any more likely to behave themselves than the more outgoing guys. Probably even less. I remember one girl who dated all kinds of guys and she always said the more overweight ones would be more critical of her and were up to more nonsense. You would think they'd be more grateful for what they had but no. They're just more insecure. i hate to say it as another dorky shy guy, but this is often true. The insecurity will often eat away at them : the more they feel there's a difference between their attractiveness vs their partner's, the more insecure they'll feel, and the more likely they will often do uncharacteristic things that might hurt their partner as a defensive coping mechanism. Even amongst dorky shy guys, there are quite a lot of little differences that end up making a huge deal. 1
Author BlametheIrish Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 Honestly, you should probably break up with this guy as it is unlikely he'll ever be able to redeem himself in your eyes. By your own admission you brought significant trust issues into your current relationship. As a result, his transgressions from your perspective are being misproportionately magnified. ( I don't think I've magnified anything, he yalked and flurted with this wpmsn for an entire month pretending to be single all while proclaiming I'm the first woman he's ever fell in love with. Makes me sound gullible, but I didn't magnify anything) I foresee unhappiness for both of you should the relationship continue. (This may unfortunately be true.)
Author BlametheIrish Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 I just read your other post explaining how he lied the first time. To be honest, I would've been gone after that, especially seeing as it must have been early in the relationship. You didn't leave, so you must have forgiven him to a certain extent. Checking his phone, and wanting to know all his communications is still not healthy. I've been in a similar situation, and made all the same mistakes, so I know how it feels. His second lie, is nothing like his first lie, but you obviously haven't forgiven him for the first lie. I would suggest you deal with the first issue, as you don't seem to have moved on from it. Having him agree to you checking his phone, is not dealing with anything. You're right, I never,really got.over the first issue. How he could treat me so nice, tell his fsmily how amazing a woman he had found and then look for attention elsewhere. His explanation was not satisfactory to me and I really need,to learn to accept it and move on or leave him. It's funny hpw the most simple answers evade you when youre all shaken up.
gaius Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I just read your other post explaining how he lied the first time. To be honest, I would've been gone after that, especially seeing as it must have been early in the relationship. You didn't leave, so you must have forgiven him to a certain extent. Checking his phone, and wanting to know all his communications is still not healthy. I've been in a similar situation, and made all the same mistakes, so I know how it feels. His second lie, is nothing like his first lie, but you obviously haven't forgiven him for the first lie. I would suggest you deal with the first issue, as you don't seem to have moved on from it. Having him agree to you checking his phone, is not dealing with anything. Oh come on, Irish doesn't have to deal with any issues. It's within the realm of appropriateness for a woman that's been cheated on to have trust issues and she isn't making something out of nothing. I used to let my girlfriend use my phone and we didn't even have any trust issues. Who cares. As a guy who also lost a ton of weight before I understand the rush of power you suddenly receive when you do, but it's really his responsibility to manage that if he chooses to be in a committed relationship with a woman. Doing sexy talk with another woman is definitely out of line. Especially one who's less attractive than the one you're dating. You not only betray her but you could give her a complex. I can't even imagine how Maria Shriver felt after finding out Arnold was having sex with that maid of his. 1
potsticker Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Oh come on, Irish doesn't have to deal with any issues. It's within the realm of appropriateness for a woman that's been cheated on to have trust issues and she isn't making something out of nothing. I used to let my girlfriend use my phone and we didn't even have any trust issues. Who cares. As a guy who also lost a ton of weight before I understand the rush of power you suddenly receive when you do, but it's really his responsibility to manage that if he chooses to be in a committed relationship with a woman. Doing sexy talk with another woman is definitely out of line. Especially one who's less attractive than the one you're dating. You not only betray her but you could give her a complex. I can't even imagine how Maria Shriver felt after finding out Arnold was having sex with that maid of his. I think what he meant was that since they never really resolved the first issue, the remnants are making the second issue feel bigger than it is. and 100% agree and relate to the 2nd paragraph there.
Author BlametheIrish Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 Oh come on, Irish doesn't have to deal with any issues. It's within the realm of appropriateness for a woman that's been cheated on to have trust issues and she isn't making something out of nothing. I used to let my girlfriend use my phone and we didn't even have any trust issues. Who cares. As a guy who also lost a ton of weight before I understand the rush of power you suddenly receive when you do, but it's really his responsibility to manage that if he chooses to be in a committed relationship with a woman. Doing sexy talk with another woman is definitely out of line. Especially one who's less attractive than the one you're dating. You not only betray her but you could give her a complex. I can't even imagine how Maria Shriver felt after finding out Arnold was having sex with that maid of his. I know this makes me vain but god help me I.did think.that. The woman is pure white trash with 3 kids from 3 different daddies, always complaining to her white knight "my bf" how life just keeps ****ting on her in the posts. Maybe he craves someone he can save and I certainly don't need saving. 1
InnocentMan Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Oh come on, Irish doesn't have to deal with any issues. It's within the realm of appropriateness for a woman that's been cheated on to have trust issues and she isn't making something out of nothing. I used to let my girlfriend use my phone and we didn't even have any trust issues. Who cares. As a guy who also lost a ton of weight before I understand the rush of power you suddenly receive when you do, but it's really his responsibility to manage that if he chooses to be in a committed relationship with a woman. Doing sexy talk with another woman is definitely out of line. Especially one who's less attractive than the one you're dating. You not only betray her but you could give her a complex. I can't even imagine how Maria Shriver felt after finding out Arnold was having sex with that maid of his. I never said it wasn't appropriate for her to have trust issues, but they still need to be dealt with, or she needed/needs to leave. It's not a problem to use each others phone, but specifically looking for dodgy behaviour isn't healthy, no matter what's happened. Any cheater worth his salt doesn't leave a trail on his phone, especially if he knows his gf is checking it. If they don't talk the issue through, the trust will never return, no matter how good a detective she becomes. She says that their relationship is generally good, but this latest 'lie', has brought up unresolved problems. Personally, I think that it's worth saving. He was an idiot early on in the relationship, but he seems to have grown to appreciate what he's got. She can't keep returning to the initial betrayal every time this guy messes up.
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