Berkley Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I never had to make that decision with ex FWB/mm because we never slept together. I absolutely would have done so without protection though if it had come to that point....after spending almost every day with him for three years, I knew he wasn't sleeping with anyone outside his marriage - and there's not a chance in hell his wife would ever cheat. For those who say a committed relationship is your safe point - my first H gave me three STDs during the 4 year marriage. I'm a little stunned by the comments of some of you here though...about being so disgusted with the thought of having unprotected sex with a man who is having sex with another woman as well - unprotected or not - if the thought of sharing a man is so repulsive to you...why are you involved with a mm ??
SolG Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Hmmmm. For mine, 'repulsed' is not the right word and not what I feel at all. Yes, I find sharing and hiding hurtful. But there are a few things we cordon off as just ours, and sex is one of them. All these things mean a lot to us, not only sex. If MM chooses to share any of these things, including sex, with his W it would demonstrate that he does not hold me in the regard he says he does and our relationship has no future. It would mean he was willing to hurt me beyond the telling of it. And also that he was seeking greater intimacy with his W. All of them are deal breakers. The funny thing is that they only matter because i care about him so much, and i know I felt differently back in the very beginning. If I didn't care, he could swing off chandeliers with as many others as he wished and I'd not bat an eyelid. But neither would I be sans condoms with him... and probably wouldn't be in an A with him... and my contribution to this thread would be moot! Sometimes sex is not just sex; it means and represents so much more. I actually only truly learnt this with MM :-/
Confuddled1983 Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 When I had my little boy he was premature. In the Special Care Baby Unit there was a woman who I struck up a conversation with, her baby was a lot more premature and had almost died. We got talking about why our babies were premature and she told me her ex-partner had cheated, given her an STD and that caused premature labour, their baby almost died as a result of his infidelity. She swore he would never see the child. My partner knew all this, yet he STILL went on to cheat with numerous women without precaution. He put my life in danger, sounds drastic but it's very true - I could have HIV/AIDs now and my baby boy could have lost his mother simply because his daddy couldn't keep it in his pants. We all take risks everyday, we do a swift "risk assessment" in our heads and make a judgement as to whether what we do is worth that risk. Crossing the road we do it all the time for example. You really need to be asking "Is this worth the risk?" Each to their own but for me I'd rather not risk drastically shortening my life for an unprotected quickie 1
Author solostand Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 Well I guess everyone should wear a condom always, even married couples, especially married couples, because we here on LS know what scoundrels husbands can be. You may believe he is not cheating on you, but you could be deluding yourself. 1
imperfectangel Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Because it ruins the moment? Because it indicates forethought thereby denying spontaneity? Because one of the partners is deluded and the other one is a pig? this made me lol ... literally all of the above is true esp the last part 1
krazikat Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 When I had my little boy he was premature. In the Special Care Baby Unit there was a woman who I struck up a conversation with, her baby was a lot more premature and had almost died. We got talking about why our babies were premature and she told me her ex-partner had cheated, given her an STD and that caused premature labour, their baby almost died as a result of his infidelity. She swore he would never see the child. My partner knew all this, yet he STILL went on to cheat with numerous women without precaution. He put my life in danger, sounds drastic but it's very true - I could have HIV/AIDs now and my baby boy could have lost his mother simply because his daddy couldn't keep it in his pants. We all take risks everyday, we do a swift "risk assessment" in our heads and make a judgement as to whether what we do is worth that risk. Crossing the road we do it all the time for example. You really need to be asking "Is this worth the risk?" Each to their own but for me I'd rather not risk drastically shortening my life for an unprotected quickie As I previously posted, my friend got HIV from her cheating man. It is so sad that people are so careless and risk themselves and others.
thinkingofhim Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 In essence, to me a decision by MM to have sex with his W would by default mean a choice to recomit to her and their M and work towards R. Reestablishing sex would = choosing to reestablish emotional intimacy. I know their long period of no sex is one of the things his W wants to address in MC, so we will definitely discuss this more in the lead up to April. But bottom line is that I would walk away in this event because it would clearly signal that there is no hope for MM and me. Yes, they do still sleep in the same bed when he is home; which over the last year has only been one to two nights a week due his working away. However, this year he is collocated with his family and that will change. Still I believe him and his promise to tell me if anything changes. I don't expect anyone to agree with my choice. But it is mine and I stand by it nonetheless. This may be offtopic but I don't see how starting sex with W again = recommitting to marriage and MC isn't. Personally I would see him going to MC at all, as him recommitting to his marriage. If my MM were to go to MC, I would see it as recommitting OR adding another level of deception to their M. Being in an A is enough pain and trouble for me w/out having to wonder whether he is trying to recommit to W or just trying to deceive her into thinking he wants a better M. Either would be unacceptable to me. 1
ComingInHot Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 SoIG,I have to admire your firmness in that regardless of any other comments, however insightful and honest, you have chosen to stay committed to this Man who's is married to His Wife. You have chosen to trust him just like I had chosen to trust My Husband explicably. (Sp?) With that said, I hope that you will be one who is not heartbroken in the end* CIH* 3
Got it Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Well I guess everyone should wear a condom always, even married couples, especially married couples, because we here on LS know what scoundrels husbands can be. You may believe he is not cheating on you, but you could be deluding yourself. Whoa, what is with the gender basis. It isn't just the husbands cheating! I do agree, that based on what you read here, and elsewhere, it seems that if one does feel their health is paramount never assume that the freedom is warranted and always use protection to be on the safe side.
WasOtherWoman Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 . He said when we first started out 15 months ago he worried that I would give him Chlamydia or something. Yikes, did he really say that to you ?
Author solostand Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 Gak it must be the way I write things or something. I guess maybe we talk to each other differently than other people in affairs. We were laughing at the time he said it and I certainly wasn't offended. Why wouldn't he wonder whether sleeping with a new single woman might be a risk? And when we first started out - 15 months ago - he didn't know my dating situation, for all he knew I could have been sleeping with three or four guys. How would he know I wasn't? I didn't tell him and he didn't ask because he was probably too shy to. We didn't actually plan to have a long term affair - it was actually supposed to be a one-off and then right back to our friendship. Didn't work out that way though. We fell in love.
SolG Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 CIH, thank you for your acknowledgment and compassion - as always. MC is not just about attempting to reconcile, it is about analysing and choosing a path for a M and acting on it in the most effective way. One such valid path is to end the M. My xH and I considered MC leading into our separation for specifically this reason, and I know other separating/divorcing couples who have used it to good effect to ease the end of their Ms. This is what my MM intends to do and his W is aware that this is a possible outcome of entering MC. He has told her he believes that this probably will be the outcome. Their problems long predate our A and they have been in MC before. So no, I don't see entering MC as an automatic commitment to reinvigorating a M. However, I see sex with his W as a recommitment because I know how much it means to my MM. It was not an easy decision for us to act on our undeniable attraction; as I have posted before it took nine months. This is largely because MM does not see sex as casual at all; he sees strong emotional attachment as an absolute prerequisite. And even then we talked often and at great length about this facet of our A before taking the plunge. He did not enter this A lightly. And he will not enter into sex with his W again lightly. I believe he will tell me if this is the choice he ultimately makes. I'm not completely unintelligent, I know this may end very badly for me. It's a chance I'm willing to take. Que sera, sera...
ComingInHot Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 SoIG, man my heart twists for your chosen situation!! I sincerely like you and and I can read how devastated you would be if mm decides to stay with His Wife. I WISH I had some Thing I could write that would make you turn your back on this A with NO heartbreak whatsoever. But, I realize I can't. .. (even I don't have this much POWER! kidding*) SoIG, do you have your Own personal time line in all this or are you willing to remain the OW indefinitely so long as you have a part of MM? And why the HOLY HECK are they staying M'd when they don't have sex?!!? I'll Never understand this! That'd wreck me!! In like a week or two only... 3
Snipercatt Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Quote: Originally Posted by*solostand* . He said when we first started out 15 months ago he worried that I would give him Chlamydia or something. Yikes, did he really say that to you* Considering he's a retired sex-ed teacher we'll give him a pass.
SolG Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 We've agreed to a timeline of January-ish 2015 to start openly dating (more specifically, as early as possible first quarter 2015). And openly dating does not mean declaring our love from the rooftops, attending every social gathering we can find, posting on Face Book and being PDA monsters; it means quietly and privately dating like a cautiously newly dating couple... which we actually will be! It will mean relearning ourselves in a new context and we will take baby steps into the open. Family and very close friends will be introduced to us as a couple (some of these already know us both as work colleagues) when we're ready and comfortable. Hopefully... :-/ If this doesn't happen according to the timeline, MM knows I'll have to go. That will be 4.5 years for our A... if we haven't made it by then, we're not going to. And we'll all have to move on. That's so much easier to write than to actually emotionally contemplate!
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