Snipercatt Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 I had a pregnancy scare the week after I ended the A. Talk about terrible timing... There's a thought! Menopause (or not) Solo would be 67 and MM would be 83 at Junior's graduation, wouldn't that be a sight? 2
SolG Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 (edited) My MM and his W lost their virginity to each other and neither has ever had sex with anyone else - with the exception of me for the MM. One of the reasons that our A remained emotional only for the first nine months is because entering into sex outside his M was a really, really, really big deal for him and it couldn't be taken lightly. This may sound ridiculous to some in the context of an A, but we had to be sure that what we had was 'special' enough for full physical expression. For the first five months of our PA we used condoms. We then reached a point where we both agreed to only have sex with each other and dispensed with protection. Now at the 3.5 year mark for our A, I know I'm not having sex with anyone else. And naive as it may sound, I sincerely believe that he isn't either. It was a great fear of mine following DDay that this would no longer be the case. But following his repeated assurance, I believe it still is. Edited January 21, 2014 by SolG
MissBee Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 (edited) My MM and his W lost their virginity to each other and neither has ever had sex with anyone else - with the exception of me for the MM. One of the reasons that our A remained emotional only for the first nine months is because entering into sex outside his M was a really, really, really big deal for him and it couldn't be taken lightly. This may sound ridiculous to some in the context of an A, but we had to be sure that what we had was 'special' enough for full physical expression. For the first five months of our PA we used condoms. We then reached a point where we both agreed to only have sex with each other and dispensed with protection. i know I'm not having sex with anyone else. And naive as it may sound, I sincerely believe that he isn't either. It was a great fear of mine following DDay that this would no longer be the case. But following his repeated assurance, I believe it still is. I think people can choose to believe whatever they want but as a rule, I don't think it is wise for anyone in an affair to go without protection, as CLEARLY what people "believe" to be true is often not in As. And that is what they try to teach teenagers in sex ed, but I guess adults need to learn too, that just because you believe someone about something or love them if you have never gotten tested together and are monogamous, then you simply don't know. Most people who end up with something believed with all their heart that this person is faithful just like his wife is believing he is right now while he's sleeping with you. SolG your body is yours to do as you wish, but as for me and my advice to OW is that unless a MM is willing to give you his ALL...i.e. divorce for you, simply agreeing to only have sex with each other means diddly squat and you shouldn't give him your all in that way either. Sorry, if you want my fidelity, to go without condoms and all the rest that a single man committed to me gets then become a single man committed to me. If you have a wife and I'm a secret...eff off with that. Edited January 21, 2014 by MissBee 1
SolG Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I think people can choose to believe whatever they want but as a rule, I don't think it is wise for anyone in an affair to go without protection Ah MissBee, therein lies the crux of the matter. If I were 'wise'... I wouldn't be in this position to start with. 1
MissBee Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Ah MissBee, therein lies the crux of the matter. If I were 'wise'... I wouldn't be in this position to start with. I was an OW too, but there were some lines I didn't cross and some boundaries I still had. Never too late to wise up . 2
sweet_pea Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Can someone explain to me why you would choose not to practice 'safe sex', especially while in an affair? Why risk things like STDs and pregnancies? 1
Snipercatt Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Because it ruins the moment? Because it indicates forethought thereby denying spontaneity? Because one of the partners is deluded and the other one is a pig? 6
MissBee Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Can someone explain to me why you would choose not to practice 'safe sex', especially while in an affair? Why risk things like STDs and pregnancies? Based on the thread it seems the answer is "I trust him, I believe him, and we're in love".....none of which are good answers. 1
sweet_pea Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Because it ruins the moment? Because it indicates forethought thereby denying spontaneity? Because one of the partners is deluded and the other one is a pig? Just askin, lol 1
whatatangledweb Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Sounds like they said HIV out of spite. No, the MM's wife was sobbing when she told him.HIV does not always test positive on the first test. That is why they have you take them again. The OBS had no reason to lie. She was just as hurt as he was that their spouses were cheating.
hippetyhop Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Ah MissBee, therein lies the crux of the matter. If I were 'wise'... I wouldn't be in this position to start with. I wouldn't think any of us would What does it say about the MP though not using protection? Are they thinking we aren't sleeping with anyone else and we are that in love with them that we aren't? In a way, I'm sure some of us are, but they are taking the risks so much further than the OM/OW. 1
MissBee Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I wouldn't think any of us would What does it say about the MP though not using protection? Are they thinking we aren't sleeping with anyone else and we are that in love with them that we aren't? In a way, I'm sure some of us are, but they are taking the risks so much further than the OM/OW. Right!!! Hence for me, if my spouse was cheating and on top of it wasn't using protection, when he has now included a third party, against my will and whatever they do with their genitals into the mix, oh helll no! I would find it unforgivable. 1
Snipercatt Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Hippety, in many cases, and probably in this circumstance it is an example of the MP's self-centeredness and more on the continuum of his using of the AP.
hippetyhop Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 That is a lot of selfishness for not wanting to us protection. I wonder how often AP ask each other "are you clean"? I think a lot of times it doesn't even cross minds. We should all have the PSA running through our heads that the pill isn't effective against HIV, the herpes, etc. and sometimes not even pregnancy.
Lillyfree Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 it would be like using someone else's vibrator. ack! 2
ComingInHot Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 SoIG, so you're banking on the W remaining having Sex with ONLY her H as your ticket to an std free A? 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 And here is the thing - you are believing a LIAR! I can honestly say (for myself) I have had only two sex partners in my life. But even though xmom said he only had one before his wife and I was the first affair (of course I was his soul mate) - really? I don't believe it for a minute - I think there was an affair before me now that I think about the conversations we had I am certain I was not the first. My husband? Definitely two before me and now the affair I KNOW of. Protect yourself - you are a fool if you don't and if you believe a man that is having an affair WITH YOU! 1
hippetyhop Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 it would be like using someone else's vibrator. ack! Haha! At least you can clean it yourself before you use it! jk
hippetyhop Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Okay--then think about the BS if and after they find out their spouse is having an affair, or at least THINK they are? What are they going to do when intimate? Sway off intimacy, or make the husband wear a rubber if the BS is a female? Hell, if the BS is a male, what is going to do if he thinks his spouse is getting it elsewhere? I can imagine how that conversation goes: "Oh dear--I think you're having an affair-- please wrap it before you tap it?!"
Lady2163 Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I am free to have sex with whomever I want. I have a friend who bartends at a club that hosts both swingers and bdsm parties. I attend several a year, just to get out and socialize. I spend most of my time hanging with my buddy the bartender. On those nights, MM does go a little nuts. Heh heh. I have had one bf in the 7 years I've been with MM. It only lasted 3 months and we used condoms. I always carry condoms, but MM and I do not use them. We were birth control idiots for 5.5 years, then I had my tubes tied. When I've been active with others, I use condoms and I get tested every six months.
joanofark Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 after reading all of the posts on LS and in my own life, nobody can seriously say that "ill use protection until i'm in a monogamous i.e.- engaged, married situation". Seriously? if you are both single, if you are engaged, if you are married, nobody can be trusted. Ever.
MissBee Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 (edited) after reading all of the posts on LS and in my own life, nobody can seriously say that "ill use protection until i'm in a monogamous i.e.- engaged, married situation". Seriously? if you are both single, if you are engaged, if you are married, nobody can be trusted. Ever. Reading about the amount of OW who are going bare back with their MM makes me sick. It does make me cynical and angry that you can be married and have let your guard down with your spouse only to find out they are sleeping with some other woman with wild abandon . However, I do think some situations foster more trust than others and warrant more trust than others. Cheating MM is one of those low trust situations IMO and where I will hold back on throwing myself into it bare back and all. Nope. Not gonna. I knew my exAP was still sleeping with his gf, he didn't try to pretend like he wasn't and even if he said he wasn't, I wouldn't have cared or taken the chance. But also, I don't go bare back with any boyfriend anyway so it wouldn't have mattered whether he was an AP or not. But with someone whom I know for a FACT us with someone else, eff whatever he says about not sleeping with her, I didn't put myself in that situation. The problem isn't even the bareback....it is the bare back without any form of STD test that is the most shocking to me. Unless you are virgins, if you've had sex before with other people, multiple people and esp if you've had unprotected sex before, you should get tested before you go unprotected with a new partner, much less a cheating partner and in some OW cases a cheating partner who has cheated before and who admits to drunken ONS....yet very few OW say "MM and I got tested before not using condoms"...it would have still been bad but at least smarter than simply "I believe what he says, he was a virgin, I love him, I trust him" it just sounds crazy to me. Like I wonder if someone's daughter, niece, nephew, friend was saying this would they think they were being smart, like when you have the sex talk with your child do you say "As long as you love him and trust him it's ok" I mean I really hope not. Edited January 21, 2014 by MissBee 3
SolG Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Hi CIH :-) I actually completely and utterly with all my heart believe that MM is not sleeping with his W (or anyone else for that matter). I also don't believe that his W would ever sleep with anyone outside of their M; but this is not the source of my confidence. While MM has in the past lied to me, and continues to deceive his W, I believe that this is something he is completely honest about. I know thousands wouldn't trust to this extent, but I do. PS, I, and he, have a full physical once a year with all the associated tests for STDs (and HIV, HEP C, etc). All clear here. 1
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Hi CIH :-) I actually completely and utterly with all my heart believe that MM is not sleeping with his W (or anyone else for that matter). I also don't believe that his W would ever sleep with anyone outside of their M; but this is not the source of my confidence. While MM has in the past lied to me, and continues to deceive his W, I believe that this is something he is completely honest about. I know thousands wouldn't trust to this extent, but I do. PS, I, and he, have a full physical once a year with all the associated tests for STDs (and HIV, HEP C, etc). All clear here. How would you feel/what would you do though if you found out he was indeed having sex with his wife? Even now, do they sleep in the same bed? See, he can tell you otherwise, but only he and his wife know the actual truth what happens behind closed doors. 2
SolG Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 In essence, to me a decision by MM to have sex with his W would by default mean a choice to recomit to her and their M and work towards R. Reestablishing sex would = choosing to reestablish emotional intimacy. I know their long period of no sex is one of the things his W wants to address in MC, so we will definitely discuss this more in the lead up to April. But bottom line is that I would walk away in this event because it would clearly signal that there is no hope for MM and me. Yes, they do still sleep in the same bed when he is home; which over the last year has only been one to two nights a week due his working away. However, this year he is collocated with his family and that will change. Still I believe him and his promise to tell me if anything changes. I don't expect anyone to agree with my choice. But it is mine and I stand by it nonetheless.
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