Is there a d-day handbook?

[peaksandvalleys]

I feel I need to address this post, which I found quite cruel.

 

First of all, the "good to know" wasn't nonchalant, it was truly a "That is good information to have" response.

 

We have discussed a D-day and what will happen. He believes she will throw him out and get a divorce lawyer on speed dial. He will allow this.

 

As far as the "beautiful" thing. Well, here is the truth. I am an ugly duckling turned into an apparent swan later in life. I was a very unattractive child and teenager, and my sister was beautiful. She told me I was ugly at every opportunity. She would do so even today if I spoke to her. I have great insecurities about my looks, I have internalized the belief that I am ugly, but I have been told over and over and over again that I am beautiful, drop-dead gorgeous, et cetera. I never really believe it. But even women stop me on the street to tell me I am beautiful.

 

I am intelligent. This year I wrote a book and wrote and produced a documentary.

 

I don't recall ever saying he ogled me in a bikini. Maybe I did. I know I spent a lot of time on the beach with him in a bikini.

 

Throwing hundred dollar bills around? That is his way of showing love. I told him that last week and he said if that were the case he would have to give me fifty thousand dollars every time he saw me.

 

But the truth is, he is very generous not only with me but with ALL his friends. Last week he gave a man in his village $1500. That man wasn't dancing off a pole. He gave another man $500, because he needed it. In hospital, he gave his roommate, whom he did not know, $400 because he couldn't stand to see the man crying because his electricity was to be cut off. This week he agreed to co-sign for a mortgage for his nephew. He does it because he CAN.

 

When I said I was a "hot side piece" I think I was being sarcastic.

 

My main worry about a D-day is, if it does happen, and things don't go as planned, will I have a chance to say good-bye?

 

 

If his wife is like me and I hope she is. You will have everything that you need from him. I have also read some of your past threads and they are kind of all over the place. That might be normal, I don't know. D-day and the way others react aren't necessarily something that anyone can predict.

[ladydesigner]

Again this varies. I think there have been many BS who did not have the control they wanted/desired. Yes you do in regards to asking for a divorce, but if the MP does not concede control there are a number of people that end up in limbo, the affair going underground, etc.

 

No we don't always have the control desired, I experienced false r, but my appointment to a divorce lawyer and leaving my WH seemed to snap him out of whatever pull the A had. Actually I really just wanted my WH to leave if he was still seeing MOW. They would have carried on like that forever, it was me that didn't like being the third wheel. My WH wanted his cake, so did the MOW.

[Snipercatt]

We have discussed a D-day and what will happen. He believes she will throw him out and get a divorce lawyer on speed dial. He will allow this.

 

So Lost And, there's no predicting what BW will do. Regardless what she chooses to do, MM isn't in control and he won't have the luxury of allowing or objecting.

 

When you're around this man you post as if you have lost common sense. He's repulsive and you know that. You've posted the equivalent anout him, yourself.

 

You'll turn 50 soon, time is a wasting. That you keep going back to this situation is a testament to your brokenness.

 

As to throwing money around, pleeeeeease! It is about ego with him, not charity.

Edited January 23, 2014 by Snipercatt

[hippetyhop]

I feel I need to address this post, which I found quite cruel.

 

We have discussed a D-day and what will happen. He believes she will throw him out and get a divorce lawyer on speed dial. He will allow this.

 

 

Not always. Although our first break/break up was caused by his W finding some things out (not about us), he thought she'd have an attorney on speed dial. Turns out, she never confronted him (just asked some general questions) and he knows what she knows (although she doesn't know that) so he's on his best behavior and did damage control.

[Got it]

I feel I need to address this post, which I found quite cruel.

 

First of all, the "good to know" wasn't nonchalant, it was truly a "That is good information to have" response.

 

We have discussed a D-day and what will happen. He believes she will throw him out and get a divorce lawyer on speed dial. He will allow this.

 

As far as the "beautiful" thing. Well, here is the truth. I am an ugly duckling turned into an apparent swan later in life. I was a very unattractive child and teenager, and my sister was beautiful. She told me I was ugly at every opportunity. She would do so even today if I spoke to her. I have great insecurities about my looks, I have internalized the belief that I am ugly, but I have been told over and over and over again that I am beautiful, drop-dead gorgeous, et cetera. I never really believe it. But even women stop me on the street to tell me I am beautiful.

 

I am intelligent. This year I wrote a book and wrote and produced a documentary.

 

I don't recall ever saying he ogled me in a bikini. Maybe I did. I know I spent a lot of time on the beach with him in a bikini.

 

Throwing hundred dollar bills around? That is his way of showing love. I told him that last week and he said if that were the case he would have to give me fifty thousand dollars every time he saw me.

 

But the truth is, he is very generous not only with me but with ALL his friends. Last week he gave a man in his village $1500. That man wasn't dancing off a pole. He gave another man $500, because he needed it. In hospital, he gave his roommate, whom he did not know, $400 because he couldn't stand to see the man crying because his electricity was to be cut off. This week he agreed to co-sign for a mortgage for his nephew. He does it because he CAN.

 

When I said I was a "hot side piece" I think I was being sarcastic.

 

My main worry about a D-day is, if it does happen, and things don't go as planned, will I have a chance to say good-bye?

 

Solo, you don't have to defend yourself. People are going to say and think whatever they want. The more you fight back on it the more credit you give it. I do think what you wrote above are some issues to look into. Do you have a good sense of who you are? Do you like and trust yourself? If you answer no to any of these, what can you do to start building them?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I feel I need to address this post, which I found quite cruel.

 

First of all, the "good to know" wasn't nonchalant, it was truly a "That is good information to have" response.

 

We have discussed a D-day and what will happen. He believes she will throw him out and get a divorce lawyer on speed dial. He will allow this.

 

As far as the "beautiful" thing. Well, here is the truth. I am an ugly duckling turned into an apparent swan later in life. I was a very unattractive child and teenager, and my sister was beautiful. She told me I was ugly at every opportunity. She would do so even today if I spoke to her. I have great insecurities about my looks, I have internalized the belief that I am ugly, but I have been told over and over and over again that I am beautiful, drop-dead gorgeous, et cetera. I never really believe it. But even women stop me on the street to tell me I am beautiful.

 

I am intelligent. This year I wrote a book and wrote and produced a documentary.

 

I don't recall ever saying he ogled me in a bikini. Maybe I did. I know I spent a lot of time on the beach with him in a bikini.

 

Throwing hundred dollar bills around? That is his way of showing love. I told him that last week and he said if that were the case he would have to give me fifty thousand dollars every time he saw me.

 

But the truth is, he is very generous not only with me but with ALL his friends. Last week he gave a man in his village $1500. That man wasn't dancing off a pole. He gave another man $500, because he needed it. In hospital, he gave his roommate, whom he did not know, $400 because he couldn't stand to see the man crying because his electricity was to be cut off. This week he agreed to co-sign for a mortgage for his nephew. He does it because he CAN.

 

When I said I was a "hot side piece" I think I was being sarcastic.

 

My main worry about a D-day is, if it does happen, and things don't go as planned, will I have a chance to say good-bye?

 

The thing about dday is, when it happens all bets are off. He says that she will throw him out - this is is plan? I think that is what my xmom thought too. The plan didn't work. She wanted to reconcile. It changed everything. Same with my husband - I thought he would want a divorce (he actually said it surprised him that he didn't).

 

You may or may not have a chance to say goodbye. It depends upon how it goes down.

 

I can tell you this though - no matter how you plan for it, it will not happen the way you think it will. The one thing for certain is it will change your life forever.

[Owl]

So what's his plan if she confronts him, and asks him to stay and reconcile the marriage? If she asks him to end it with you?

 

What will he do then, if that happens rather than getting thrown out?

 

What will he do if she tells him that he has the choice...her or you?

 

Or if she insists to him that they can reconcile, but she insists on NC with you, and MC with her, as you mentioned in your opening post?

 

If he doesn't have a plan for these contingencies...it doesn't bode well. He'll react, rather than act...and it means he's burying his head in the sand, with no intention of actually dealing with anything.

[solostand]

Well MM is leaving the country on Saturday for two months.

 

I am sincerely hoping to use this time to get over my obsession with him and our relationship (can't obsess about something that isn't happening, right?) and find ways to focus my life in a healthy way.

 

Wish me luck and any advice on how to "get over it" would be appreciated.

 

He plans to call me on a regular basis and also plans to pick back up where we left off when he returns. I am hoping I will be past that by then.

[Snipercatt]

Wish me luck and any advice on how to "get over it" would be appreciated.

 

Starting an outline for your next documentary, and/or book, should help pass the time.

[SoleMate]

My main worry about a D-day is, if it does happen, and things don't go as planned, will I have a chance to say good-bye?

You may very well not, and that is heartbreaking. Almost like a sudden death, or perhaps worse, as if it happens that way, it will be a wrenching loss and grief for you, chosen by him.

 

It is with greatest sympathy and concern that I urge you to say goodbye to him before he leaves the country, and have it be the last goodbye for all time. Then you can go back to living your own authentic life, and find a man who knows you're good enough for a fulltime 1:1 deal.

[cozycottagelg]

If you want to get over him, I don't think you should answer his calls.

 

I am guessing that if you speak to him, and you are both missing eachother, when he gets back, the only thing you are going to want to do is see him.

 

Is his wife going?

[solostand]

Yes his wife is going. Since they retired, he, she, his sister and husband spend two months down south. I knew this trip was coming (The same one happened last year) and am not really all that upset about it. I will miss the daily calls and laughter more than anything.

 

I have considered not taking his calls as a way to enforce a good NC. I may be weak though. But the calls anyway are sporadic (he has to find a way to sneak away to make them). So there is no way I can sit all day wondering and thinking of him and talking to him.

 

I have a new gym membership. Think I will start there. Maybe even date real single people!

 

But at least he won't be in my apartment every morning like he generally is now.

 

Tomorrow we say our final good-bye in person. Today he gave me my birthday present (birthday in march)

Edited January 23, 2014 by solostand

[Owl]

Well MM is leaving the country on Saturday for two months.

 

I am sincerely hoping to use this time to get over my obsession with him and our relationship (can't obsess about something that isn't happening, right?) and find ways to focus my life in a healthy way.

 

Wish me luck and any advice on how to "get over it" would be appreciated.

 

He plans to call me on a regular basis and also plans to pick back up where we left off when he returns. I am hoping I will be past that by then.

 

OK...first off...change your number the day he leaves. That way he CAN'T call you while he's away.

 

That gives you two months to start getting over your addiction to the whole thing without that occasional relapse that would be created when you talk with him.

 

Second, remove his number from your phone, so you can't call him in a moment of weakness. Same for emails/IMs/etc...

 

Third, change your locks if he's got a key.

 

Make it CLEAR to him that you're done, it's over, and he's not welcome at all in your life anymore.

 

And while he's gone, start something new in your life. Something that takes up the time/energy/effort you put into the relationship with him. Get a gym membership, take up martial arts, pick up an old hobby, or learn a new one. Anything that can distract you from the situation.

 

That's your start.

[violet1]

The thing about dday is, when it happens all bets are off. He says that she will throw him out - this is is plan? I think that is what my xmom thought too. The plan didn't work. She wanted to reconcile. It changed everything. Same with my husband - I thought he would want a divorce (he actually said it surprised him that he didn't).

 

You may or may not have a chance to say goodbye. It depends upon how it goes down.

 

I can tell you this though - no matter how you plan for it, it will not happen the way you think it will. The one thing for certain is it will change your life forever.

This is so true! I just had D Day and it was so different than I ever expected it to be. They have a long history together. Don't expect her to just throw in the towel. I strongly suggest you prepare yourself for all possibilities.

[whichwayisup]

Well MM is leaving the country on Saturday for two months.

 

I am sincerely hoping to use this time to get over my obsession with him and our relationship (can't obsess about something that isn't happening, right?) and find ways to focus my life in a healthy way.

 

Wish me luck and any advice on how to "get over it" would be appreciated.

 

He plans to call me on a regular basis and also plans to pick back up where we left off when he returns. I am hoping I will be past that by then.

Then you need/MUST make it clear to him not only by your words, but your actions to follow that the A is completely over and there is to be no contact ever again. It'll hurt you like hell, but you can do this if you really and truly want your A over and him out of your life.

 

Make it impossible for him to contact you. Even if that means changing numbers and email addresses.

 

Seek counseling. Google and read up on how to let go of someone you love, read baggage reclaim, Dr Phil, whatever you can to help you work through this.

 

Detach and do NC in your head too. Do NOT let yourself reminisce and remember/fantasize about him. Don't focus on any good and happy memories, recall the hurtful times and pain, the negatives - It'll make you feel awful and your heart close off from him. bit by bit as time goes on you will feel stronger and less attached, less sad.

 

You get busy and try new things, hobbies etc..Surround yourself with loving and kind friends, remember that what is most important is pampering yourself and feeling good so do NOT beat up on yourself or let this ruin you. Laugh and be silly, too!

[experiencethedevine]

I feel I need to address this post, which I found quite cruel.

 

First of all, the "good to know" wasn't nonchalant, it was truly a "That is good information to have" response.

 

We have discussed a D-day and what will happen. He believes she will throw him out and get a divorce lawyer on speed dial. He will allow this.

 

As far as the "beautiful" thing. Well, here is the truth. I am an ugly duckling turned into an apparent swan later in life. I was a very unattractive child and teenager, and my sister was beautiful. She told me I was ugly at every opportunity. She would do so even today if I spoke to her. I have great insecurities about my looks, I have internalized the belief that I am ugly, but I have been told over and over and over again that I am beautiful, drop-dead gorgeous, et cetera. I never really believe it. But even women stop me on the street to tell me I am beautiful.

 

I am intelligent. This year I wrote a book and wrote and produced a documentary.

 

I don't recall ever saying he ogled me in a bikini. Maybe I did. I know I spent a lot of time on the beach with him in a bikini.

 

Throwing hundred dollar bills around? That is his way of showing love. I told him that last week and he said if that were the case he would have to give me fifty thousand dollars every time he saw me.

 

But the truth is, he is very generous not only with me but with ALL his friends. Last week he gave a man in his village $1500. That man wasn't dancing off a pole. He gave another man $500, because he needed it. In hospital, he gave his roommate, whom he did not know, $400 because he couldn't stand to see the man crying because his electricity was to be cut off. This week he agreed to co-sign for a mortgage for his nephew. He does it because he CAN.

 

When I said I was a "hot side piece" I think I was being sarcastic.

 

My main worry about a D-day is, if it does happen, and things don't go as planned, will I have a chance to say good-bye?

 

 

No. In all likelihood.

 

 

Nor should you have the opportunity.

Edited January 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[solostand]

Well this morning will be good-bye and I am feeling OK so far.

 

Weirdest thing. Last night I spent some time with my ex-husband (our joint dog died) we are good friends, very good friends. He has suspected I was having a pa with MM for ages, so last night I finally admitted it to him and told him all about it.

 

Rather than being angry, he was very comforting. (I never cheated on him). Solo, he said, you have to figure out what is broken in you to make you want these situations. Is it the drama? The excitement? You just can't spend a simple life?

 

There was much more than that but he had a few very good points. Such as "If this man loves you as he says he does, why aren't YOU going down south with him?"

 

He's gonna stand by me through this. Wow.

[Snipercatt]

Glad to hear you have someone who understands you and is going to be in your corner.

 

Sorry to hear your dog passed away. My sympathies to you.

[Got it]

Well this morning will be good-bye and I am feeling OK so far.

 

Weirdest thing. Last night I spent some time with my ex-husband (our joint dog died) we are good friends, very good friends. He has suspected I was having a pa with MM for ages, so last night I finally admitted it to him and told him all about it.

 

Rather than being angry, he was very comforting. (I never cheated on him). Solo, he said, you have to figure out what is broken in you to make you want these situations. Is it the drama? The excitement? You just can't spend a simple life?

 

There was much more than that but he had a few very good points. Such as "If this man loves you as he says he does, why aren't YOU going down south with him?"

 

He's gonna stand by me through this. Wow.

 

Solo, I think some very good questions by your ex. And I am happy for his support. Don't assume that "out of sight out of mind" if you feel you are dealing with an addiction/obsession. This is being fueled by your thought processes so will likely continue regardless of his proximity. I highly recommend getting therapy to go over these things and give yourself two months to start working through the process.

 

There is little point putting down perimeters that you can't follow. Think just one step ahead and commit yourself to it. Take things in baby steps. The last thing one wants is to fail at something so you have to work on realigning your views. Who you are and what you want. Focus on YOU now and address MM later.

[whichwayisup]

Well this morning will be good-bye and I am feeling OK so far.

 

Weirdest thing. Last night I spent some time with my ex-husband (our joint dog died) we are good friends, very good friends. He has suspected I was having a pa with MM for ages, so last night I finally admitted it to him and told him all about it.

 

Rather than being angry, he was very comforting. (I never cheated on him). Solo, he said, you have to figure out what is broken in you to make you want these situations. Is it the drama? The excitement? You just can't spend a simple life?

 

There was much more than that but he had a few very good points. Such as "If this man loves you as he says he does, why aren't YOU going down south with him?"

 

He's gonna stand by me through this. Wow.

 

Your exH is a smart man. I hope you take his words to heart and really dig down deep, see that he is right, and the only way to free yourself, find 'you' again is to walk away from this toxic affair once and for all. Go total NC.

 

Condolences, losing a pet is like losing a family member.

[solostand]

Well he came over this morning, but it appears he wants to come in tomorrow morning now for the final last good-bye. . . they leave tomorrow afternoon.

 

Anyway, something very ironic happened yesterday. This morning when he called he said "Where were YOU yesterday afternoon? You were MIA! I was calling you and calling you. I was in town and I wanted to come see you! Then I was worried about you because you ALWAYS have that phone attached to you!" He seemed hurt or something.

 

So this would be when I was with my ex-husband. Either my phoned turned off by mistake or we were out of cell service.

 

I told him I was out with a friend and said "Oh for God's Sake you're a good one to talk! You turn your phone off at 3 p.m. and and any time its inconvenient to take a call from me."

 

He said he knew but he was WORRIED! What could have happened to me? He drove my building and made some effort to find me.

 

I also said "You should be taking ME down south!"

 

He said "I know."

 

No point arguing over it now.

[Owl]

Well he came over this morning, but it appears he wants to come in tomorrow morning now for the final last good-bye. . . they leave tomorrow afternoon.

 

Anyway, something very ironic happened yesterday. This morning when he called he said "Where were YOU yesterday afternoon? You were MIA! I was calling you and calling you. I was in town and I wanted to come see you! Then I was worried about you because you ALWAYS have that phone attached to you!" He seemed hurt or something.

 

So this would be when I was with my ex-husband. Either my phoned turned off by mistake or we were out of cell service.

 

I told him I was out with a friend and said "Oh for God's Sake you're a good one to talk! You turn your phone off at 3 p.m. and and any time its inconvenient to take a call from me."

 

He said he knew but he was WORRIED! What could have happened to me? He drove my building and made some effort to find me.

 

I also said "You should be taking ME down south!"

 

He said "I know."

 

No point arguing over it now.

 

You told him not to come over tomorrow, right?

 

Told him it was over, and that he shouldn't bother calling you again, as you will no longer speak to him, right?

 

Spelled out to him that when he goes on this trip...for you, he'll be gone forever, yes?

 

If you didn't do anything of these things...what do you truly expect to happen?

[whichwayisup]

How many 'goodbyes' does he want? Hope you don't see him again, that is it.

 

Some balls he has, worried maybe a bit..But he also sees that you're distancing yourself and that bothers him so he is putting on the charm. Good for you for saying when he disappears it's okay, but when you don't or can't answer, he freaks out? Ego hurt.

[confusedandhurt2002]

solo, I find your posts very frustrating. you keep asking about ddays, being in denial, etc. Same posts, different phrasing. Your MM seems to enjoy all the drama of which he is the center in your provincial Canadian town. I think maybe you do too. In past posts you've described his replies as very smug, such as "I've got it under control." This time, it's "good to know." If you two love each other so much and have been involved for over a year, why can't you just ask him for some serious answers. The questions being "What exactly will you say when your wife confronts you with evidence?" "What exactly will you do when she confronts you with evidence?" Why are you lingering around waiting for dday? She may or may not be choosing to ignore the evidence, but if she doesn't raise the issue, I think one of her children may drop the bomb.

Slightly off thread but certainly related to threads past, I just can't understand why you stay with this guy. You frequently (very frequently) describe yourself as smart and beautiful. You seem to revel in the fact that your MM "throws hundred dollar bills" at you and ogles you in bikini. Guess what? Guys in strip clubs do that too. You have referred to yourself as a "hot side piece." Shouldn't someone has "hot" and "intelligent" as yourself be aiming a little higher?

 

Best post ever.

[kalimata]

Solostand: Here are some suggestions for your D-day handbook. As a BH, I have a good perspective on this:

 

Be prepared to be vilified by the BS. You will be painted in the worst terms possible. The BS will want to destroy you, so refrain from contact.

Avoid contact with MM/MW during or shortly after D-Day.

If the MM/MW asks for NC from you, then simply obey this wish. Don't go fishing for a response from them, not even months later. Withdrawal from an A is tough enough. Constantly hitting the reset switch each time NC is broken never helps hearts to mend.