NotCamelot Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Coming up on 21 months of R. During 99% of the time all is really good. There are times when something triggers my memories......and it hurts......but I don't say anything, because she didn't do anything fresh to cause that. She can not change the past no more than I can. She does everything right......and it feels good. But last night, I awoke at least 3 times with a bad dream. In the dream, we were at some store where she knew a guy working there. The three of us talked business. She aksed me to go to the car, parked right outside the door, when I got to the car, I looked in to see her kiss him 3 times. I wake up. She is wrapped around me holding me tight as is the norm now. I finally drift back to sleep.......and right back into the store. I am standing there as she comes walking back down a hallway toward me. I ask her about him. She admits. Says she loves him. I start asking the whys. She just smiles. I wake up again. And she is still holding me. I squeeze her to me and try to tell myself, It's just a dream. Back to sleep. Back to the store. And there she is kissing him again. He wants to shake my hand and tell me we can be friends. I am holding a gun. I really want to shoot him, but I can't even think of pointing at her. I wake up again and lay there for almost 2 hours and it's all I can think about. Can't go back to sleep. Now, the store, the guy, and all are just dream stuff. They don't exist in real life. I have not told her. The morning has been great, as usual. In fact, aside from my damned memory, everything has been as close to perfect as it can get. I don't know what caused this. I do know that this Thursday, the 23rd, is the anniversary of the OM stalking us, following us through the streets of town at lunch time.......ending with the police getting him out of his car....... maybe that has been on my mind. I don't know. I just had to tell someone. At least people here at LS understand. But, do I tell her? The guy in the dream even had a name that I kept tell myself to remember (in the dream). That's how vivid it was.
Sub Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Things have been going great for us as well, two-and-a-half year since D-Day. I had a dream about the OM about a month ago. (He was dating my W's cousin in it.) I didn't mention it to my W. I do, however, feel that it was brought about by some triggers that I had been dealing with at the time. Those things, I DID discuss with my W. Talking about what you think may be the source of it may be the way to go. 1
harrybrown Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 You are right, she can not change the past. She also can not change your dreams. However, you want honesty in your marriage. You may want to tell her that you are having bad dreams. I would not however tell her about the gun in your dream. If the dreams continue, I would go to IC, to try to get at some of the triggers and issues.
thummper Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Mentioning that she was holding you tight to her, wrapped around you, when you awoke from your dreams paints a powerful emotional image. To me it signifies that she's determined to never let you go, even in her sleep. It's a very sweet image of devotion. Keep loving her and don't let the dreams get you down. 1
Author NotCamelot Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 Mentioning that she was holding you tight to her, wrapped around you, when you awoke from your dreams paints a powerful emotional image. To me it signifies that she's determined to never let you go, even in her sleep. It's a very sweet image of devotion. Keep loving her and don't let the dreams get you down. That's what she tells me. And as hard as trust is to give now, I have no choice but to trust that she is truthful with this......I really hope so, as I can't imagine life without her. 1
thummper Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Seriously. Sounds like you've got yourself a "keeper." 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Dreams are so difficult. I believe in messages (through our subconscious) in dreams. I'm not saying it's real at all, but your subconscious is definitely working something out. The odd thing is it was three times - in the same night. I wouldn't put a ton of stock in it, other than to figure out what the message is. It is so sweet for you to know in your heart how much you love your wife, even after everything that has happened. What a beautiful picture. 2
drifter777 Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 That's what she tells me. And as hard as trust is to give now, I have no choice but to trust that she is truthful with this......I really hope so, as I can't imagine life without her. Look, you are never going to "get over" this. You have to accept that things are going to trigger memories of her and OM and that you are going to feel sad and hurt and angry when that happens. That's the price you are going to pay if you want to stay married to her. If she continues to be faithful and loving and all that then maybe it's worth it to you. I think there are men who simply don't feel that their wife screwing off on him is all that big a deal. I think there are men who can effectively bury their feelings so deep they lose touch with them. And then there are men that will be haunted by her cheating forever. I believe when these men decide to stay with a cheating wife they need to understand that they will never forget what she did and thus never forgive what she did. No matter what happens from that day forward, they have to live with the knowledge that their wife had sex with another man and it's going to hurt when the memories hit them. If you want to stay then accept the bad memories and feelings as part of the deal.
Spark1111 Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I believe in sharing my dreams with my spouse. Less important is what happens in the dream, ( but I share that too) as in how the dream makes you FEEL. SO WHAT ARE YOU FEELING? Rage? Anger? Fear? Distrust? Confusion? All of the above? SHARE IT! A good counselor will examine these feelings with you. My IC took copious notes when I related a powerful dream. They tend to be the only ones we remember in graphic detail. They are a portal to our subconscious...what we bury when awake gets discharged in our dream state. EXAMINE those feelings and SHARE them with your spouse. When they are doing everything right, we tend to feel guilty in making more demands of reassurance or talking about our fears or mute talking anymore of how their infidelity continues to make us feel. Don't stuff it. Communicate it. 1
road Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 (edited) Coming up on 21 months of R. During 99% of the time all is really good. There are times when something triggers my memories......and it hurts......but I don't say anything, because she didn't do anything fresh to cause that. She can not change the past no more than I can. She does everything right......and it feels good. You living where the OM lives and WW had her affair will always trigger you. You need to pack up, sell the house and move far away so your memory will not be triggered. Edited January 21, 2014 by road
Ap22 Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 (edited) I think there are men who can effectively bury their feelings so deep they lose touch with them. And then there are men that will be haunted by her cheating forever. I believe when these men decide to stay with a cheating wife they need to understand that they will never forget what she did and thus never forgive what she did. No matter what happens from that day forward, they have to live with the knowledge that their wife had sex with another man and it's going to hurt when the memories hit them. If you want to stay then accept the bad memories and feelings as part of the deal. Hey you described me perfectly there. OP, your sub conscious sucks, mine does too. I just think its your mind telling you not to forget. When someone hurts you that bad, your mind will not forget no matter how much you want it to. Maybe its a defense mechanism because as much as you want to believe in her, deep down you still have doubts and losing her would be a horrible life changing event. Every now and then my mind likes to remind me when I sleep to. Just last week, out of the blue, I had a dream that we got divorced because she cheated. Pissed me off all day long. Edited January 21, 2014 by Ap22 1
Author NotCamelot Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 You living where the OM lives and WW had her affair will always trigger you. You need to pack up, sell the house and move far away so your memory will not be triggered. Don't think that would help anything. It is not seeing anything that cause the trigger. We were on vacation in November, hundreds of miles away, and it hit me in the middle of the day on a tour. No reason for it, just happens. It comes and goes. But it is there everyday. Living somewhere else won't stop it. 1
Author NotCamelot Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 I believe in sharing my dreams with my spouse. Less important is what happens in the dream, ( but I share that too) as in how the dream makes you FEEL. SO WHAT ARE YOU FEELING? Rage? Anger? Fear? Distrust? Confusion? All of the above? SHARE IT! A good counselor will examine these feelings with you. My IC took copious notes when I related a powerful dream. They tend to be the only ones we remember in graphic detail. They are a portal to our subconscious...what we bury when awake gets discharged in our dream state. EXAMINE those feelings and SHARE them with your spouse. When they are doing everything right, we tend to feel guilty in making more demands of reassurance or talking about our fears or mute talking anymore of how their infidelity continues to make us feel. Don't stuff it. Communicate it. The dream makes me feel: distrust, hurt, and fear. But, aren't these the things that we feel throughout the reconciliaiton period anyway? Please don't misunderstand. Apart from the bad memories, there has been nothing since D-day to restart the suffering I have been through. Strangely, it seems that after seeing how badly she hurt me, she became a different woman.....in regard to love, kindness, sweetness and appreciation. She is the girl I fell in love with 23 years ago. And she makes sure that I know she loves me many times through the day. I need one of those little black pens from the Men In Black movie. Erase those 6 weeks from my memory forever...........then I'd be fine.
beach Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Did you tell your wife how you felt when that happened on vacation? Did you tell her how the dream affected you last night? Are you sure you are communicating all of your feelings with your wife? Are you two in counseling? Your dreams are significant. You wouldn't dream this if you trusted your wife COMPLETELY. It's important to communicate. How can she know how you feel if you don't tell her what's affecting you?
Ap22 Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 The dream makes me feel: distrust, hurt, and fear. But, aren't these the things that we feel throughout the reconciliaiton period anyway? Please don't misunderstand. Apart from the bad memories, there has been nothing since D-day to restart the suffering I have been through. Strangely, it seems that after seeing how badly she hurt me, she became a different woman.....in regard to love, kindness, sweetness and appreciation. She is the girl I fell in love with 23 years ago. And she makes sure that I know she loves me many times through the day. I need one of those little black pens from the Men In Black movie. Erase those 6 weeks from my memory forever...........then I'd be fine. Its normal. I know because I'm going through the same thing. What you just said in this quote is exactly what I say about my WW. Your conscious mind deals with things different than your subconscious mind. Dreams are just your mind dealing with things that happen in your life. I can almost guarantee you feel like I do. You absolutely love that your wife is back to her old ways. It feels so great to be loved by her again and you are hoping that she is back for good......BUT you dont know if its real. You dont know if one day she will revert back to her old ways. You want this so bad but you just dont know if it will last. She has proven she has the ability to deceive and hurt you. How do you know she will never do this again? I know for me, my conscious mind and my subconscious mind are not using the same playbook when it comes to this. My conscious mind wants to move on, forgive, and build a good life back up with my wife. My subconscious mind keeps reminding me this woman nearly destroyed me and I better not ever let my guard down with her.
thummper Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 N_Camelot, I went back and re-read your threads. Up until then, I was not aware of your story. You two have come a long way. I applaud what you've been able to do. I admire you. I'm not sure I could have forgiven my wife if she had strayed. That said, I'm so happy that your R has gone the say it has. I love a good love story, and like all old guys I also love a happy ending. I'm wishing you both many more years of joy, love, and happiness together. 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 You living where the OM lives and WW had her affair will always trigger you. You need to pack up, sell the house and move far away so your memory will not be triggered. This solves nothing. You can live on a cloud and be triggered. 1
road Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 This solves nothing. You can live on a cloud and be triggered. Removing triggers solves nothing? You need to do some reading. Your logic is to not bother to remove triggers because people will trigger anyway. So you would have people trigger more then less.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Removing triggers solves nothing? You need to do some reading. Your logic is to not bother to remove triggers because people will trigger anyway. So you would have people trigger more then less. I didn't say that. Sometimes it is not possible to make gigantic moves, especially with extended family and other obligations. What I am saying is that while, yes, some physical reminders might not be there, a person would have to live on a cloud for there to be no triggers - even then it's impossible to completely remove them. And please stop being condescending to me. It's easy to hide behind a screen name and do that without facing the individual. Just because we don't agree doesn't mean you think I should "read more". I have read quite a bit - doesn't mean I buy it all.
Recommended Posts