Babolat Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 (edited) Ugh, title should read "How do I help/not help" My ex gf, now gf, has a 14 year old daughter. I like her, a lot and we get along well. I have never had kids, I have 16 neices and nephews, that are starting to have kids, so I have been around lots of kids but never raised my own. I am 47, she is 43. Paternal father has been out of the picture since her daughter was 1. When I see my gf doing something, saying something, making a decion, that I think is wrong, irresponsible, poor, etc, I always keep quiet. She encourages me to get more involved with her daughter, but I don't because some of her choices, to me, are just wrong and irresponsible. And, I always fall back to what she says to me" Before I had a child I thought the same as you". This weekend, I did speak up about how I felt about something. Her daughter was sick Friday, had a fever ranging from 102 - 103. She kept her out of school and stayed home with her. We had plans Friday night and Saturday, which of course she had to cancel, and I was fine with that. I brought them dinner Friday night, stayed for a bit then went home. Saturday I texted her to see how her daughter was feeling, she replied fever is gone, she is better but still sick (major chest congestion). I asked her what her plans were and she said she was going to stay home all day with her daughter. We had a few "how is she" texts throughout the day. I got invited to dinner with friends, assumed my gf could not go, went, came home around 9PM, wanted to surprise my gf, go over, spend the night, as I assumed she was going stir crazy. So I texted her to ask what she was doing. She replied stating she was making plans to meet some friends out for drinks. I was shocked. her daughter was better, but, in my opinion, still not out of the woods. In addition, we had to cancel our plans together so she could be home with her daughter, then, when her daughter is "better" she makes plans to go out with friends and does not even ask if I want to go. She said she had not heard from me, did not know what my plans were, had 3 invites from thee different friends to go out, she wanted to go out, so she did. I said "Have a great night". When I asked her about her daughter the next day, she replied stating her daughter is not 2,3 or 5, she's 14, and she was fine. All I could think about was her leaving her daughter home alone, leaving the house at 10PM to meet friends for drinks, and what if her daughter took a turn for the worse while she was out. This, feels irrespsonsible to me so I shared this with her. If her and I will be sharing the raising of her child in lets say a year, these are big issues, ones that will come up again, and we see it differently. I fall back to "I have never been a parent" so I don't know nor do I understand though. Second example, her daughter is struggling in Math. I know the head of mathematics in the county where her daughter goes to school. I asked him if he could help. He did. He met with her math teacher, got a lot of great feedback, all feedback pointed back to her daughter needing to take more initiative, show up on test days, not miss so much time from class and tutoring, free tutoring offered by the teacher/school. My friend shared this with my gf. I waited a while then asked her how she felt about his feedback. She said she was grateful, but then went into this whole rant about it being the school, the teacher, and her daughter will fall behind, again. I reminded her of all the things she can do as a parent to know when there is a test (my friend told her she can look online as the teachers posts when homework is due, projects are due, and when tests are), to make sure her daughter is in school that day, the turoting, etc. It was one excuse after another, again, shifting it back on the school, IMHO. I feel this is irresponsible too, and, want to tell her this. I've kept quiet about this one. Third example, Friday night, while over at her apartment, her daughter asked asked my gf to help her with something in her room. She was kind of brushing her off so I went into her room to help her, thinking it would be a good time to bond more with her. Her daughter was teachign me how to do something. My gf came in and her daughter was trying to teach her how to do the same, too, something her daughter had learned. My gf ignored her daughter, did it her way, almost messed something up in doing so. Her daughter kept saying over and over "I was trying to teach you how to do this". iw anted to speak up, I did not, I just watched and listened. I wanted to tell my gf "Your daughter is trying to teach you something, and you, stepped in, ignored her, and did it your way". So, for the single moms, or men who are dating single moms, how do I handle this? How do I safely share with her my concerns with what I see as irresponsible, or, poor choices with her child? There's a part of me that says "leave it alone" and I want to walk away from the relationship because of what I see as irresponsible behavior with her daughter, especially leaving her alone to go out with friends, especally when she was still sick. Same with school, she is blaming the school, when, the head of the county mathematicss gave her a lot of great advice. Unfortunately I think she sees it as her daughter and her are not in the wrong, the system is going to fail her daughter, again, when yeah, they are being irresponsible, and there is more they can do. Thanks Thanks Edited January 20, 2014 by Babolat
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Personally I wouldn't ever pass judgement on someone's parenting until/unless I was either married to them and therefore co-raising the child, or had been co-habiting for quite a while and was encouraged to chip in with discipline. At the end of the day right now you're just the Mom's boyfriend that doesn't even live with them. How long were you together before? Did you ever live with them both?
Author Babolat Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 We were together for 12 months, apart 8 months, back together, and no, I never lived with her. While dating before, and dating now, she has encouraged me to "not be her daughters best friend", rather be an adult, don't let her walk over me.
carhill Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 We were together for 12 months, apart 8 months, back together, and no, I never lived with her. While dating before, and dating now, she has encouraged me to "not be her daughters best friend", rather be an adult, don't let her walk over me. Leave parenting to mom. If you have specific personal boundaries, enforce them. As an example, when I was dating single mothers, if they happened to be over and the kids were destroying my house, they'd get the boundary lecture from me. They could destroy their own house at their leisure but not mine. Normal man talk, case closed. If mom had a problem with that, she got the boot. Other than that, parenting style was up to the parent. NOMB. Their life, their kid(s). Most I dealt with at one time was three.
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 That doesn't strike me as a very long time to start being parental either towards the daughter or the Mom, maybe others who've had relationships with people who have kids could chip in a little more. It was the weirdest thing one day when my Stepmum told me off for something at her and my dad's house (me being 23, them having been married seven years, albeit having married during four years of me and my dad not being in touch). She just told me to put my phone away at the table or something. It was a really bizarre and surreal moment. Didn't upset or anger me but even as a rational calm adult it definitely jarred.
Author Babolat Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 (edited) Leave parenting to mom. If you have specific personal boundaries, enforce them. As an example, when I was dating single mothers, if they happened to be over and the kids were destroying my house, they'd get the boundary lecture from me. They could destroy their own house at their leisure but not mine. Normal man talk, case closed. If mom had a problem with that, she got the boot. Other than that, parenting style was up to the parent. NOMB. Their life, their kid(s). Most I dealt with at one time was three. Her daughter has amazing manners and she respects everything when at my home, no issues there. She is a wonderful young woman from what I see. It's more "Mom's choices" that I think about. And why should I not think about them, if, one day we may share a home togehter and be raising her daughter, together, then? Where we will have to make choices together? Should I ingore what I see as irresponsbile choices now, and wait to see what happens in the relationship, if it evovles to somethign more permanent, than think about this? I understand your point, and I do leave the parenting to mom, and, except for #1 above I have never said a word. This is the 2nd time she has made this choice when her daughter was sick, and I could no longer keep quiet. And I did not tell her what to do, I simply told her I would not have done that. Edited January 20, 2014 by Babolat
carhill Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Her daughter has amazing manners and she respects everything when at my home, no issues there. She is a wonderful young woman from what I see. It's more "Mom's choices" that I think about. And why should I not think about them, if, one day we may share a home togehter and be raising her daughter, together, then? Where we will have to make choices together? Should I ingore what I see as irresponsbile choices now, and wait to see what happens in the relationship? What I would suggest is viewing the dynamics discretely. Accept her parenting style and choices as valid for her. Definitely maintain your own boundaries regarding any direct interactions with yourself. Decide whether your parenting styles are synergistic or not when combined with other relationship dynamics of consequence. You may find this difference in parenting styles to be inconsequential; it could be major. Each situation is different. I offer this advice respecting that you both are over 40, so mature adults with plenty of life experience and your own well-established 'styles' of living. If your girlfriend wants to change what you view as 'irresponsible' parenting choices, she'll do that for her own reasons and in her own time. IMO, it's highly unlikely. Anything is possible, though. 1
Author Babolat Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 What I would suggest is viewing the dynamics discretely. Accept her parenting style and choices as valid for her. Definitely maintain your own boundaries regarding any direct interactions with yourself. Decide whether your parenting styles are synergistic or not when combined with other relationship dynamics of consequence. You may find this difference in parenting styles to be inconsequential; it could be major. Each situation is different. I offer this advice respecting that you both are over 40, so mature adults with plenty of life experience and your own well-established 'styles' of living. If your girlfriend wants to change what you view as 'irresponsible' parenting choices, she'll do that for her own reasons and in her own time. IMO, it's highly unlikely. Anything is possible, though. Well said, and, I do not expect her to change (especially when I have zero hands on parenting experience), at least on the first example. Going out at 10PM, leaving her daughter alone, when she was sick, though not as sick anymore. That, to me, is just wrong and irresponsible. What does bug me is she has asked me to get more engaged, more involved with her daughter. Be more of a parent if you will (those were not her words, it's what I hear though) and not try to be her daughers friend, the good guy. Kind of tough to do.
Raena Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Her daughter has amazing manners and she respects everything when at my home, no issues there. She is a wonderful young woman from what I see. It's more "Mom's choices" that I think about. And why should I not think about them, if, one day we may share a home togehter and be raising her daughter, together, then? Where we will have to make choices together? Should I ingore what I see as irresponsbile choices now, and wait to see what happens in the relationship, if it evovles to somethign more permanent, than think about this? I understand your point, and I do leave the parenting to mom, and, except for #1 above I have never said a word. This is the 2nd time she has made this choice when her daughter was sick, and I could no longer keep quiet. And I did not tell her what to do, I simply told her I would not have done that. What does your gf think about you and her being together and making decisions together about her child? This is such a tricky situation. Really, in the end, you should just pull back and stay out of it unless she asks you your opinion. Ultimately, she is the parent. If you two do decide to get married, then you will need to have that talk with her about whether or not you will be co-parenting together. With there being no father in the picture, this girl will likely need you to be a role model for her of how a man should treat a woman. I had my current step-father enter my life when I was 17. He walked right in and thought he was going to make me follow his rules. I walked right out the door and didn't speak to my mother for over a year. Please do NOT insert yourself in this child's life as a parent, nor should you criticize her mother for her parenting skills. If the girl is happy, taken care of and well-adjusted, I wouldn't worry too much. She'll be fine. Just be that role model I mentioned above. Oh... and by the way... if you are so concerned with her math skills, ask her mother if you can sit down and tutor her for awhile to get her skills up to par. Offer to help, not criticize!
Author Babolat Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 What does your gf think about you and her being together and making decisions together about her child? We have not had this talk I had my current step-father enter my life when I was 17. He walked right in and thought he was going to make me follow his rules. I would never do this Oh... and by the way... if you are so concerned with her math skills, ask her mother if you can sit down and tutor her for awhile to get her skills up to par. Offer to help, not criticize! I have not criticized her at all. I have kept quiet. And, i thought about helping her daughter as I USE to be strong in math. One night I did just that, it went OK, but I was very rusty and mom and daughter could tell :-)
Author Babolat Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 . With there being no father in the picture, this girl will likely need you to be a role model for her of how a man should treat a woman.! The man before me, they were engaged, lived together for 7 years, he shared custoday of two kids from his previous marriage. My gf refers to his kids as "her kids" and my gfs daughter refers to him as "Dad". From what I can tell he does not play an active role in her daughters life. My gfs daughter refers to his kids as "my sister and brother". It's strange, Friday night while in her room, I saw a family picture of all 5 of them, probably 5+ years old, next to her bed. I had never seen this before. Her daughter speaks fondly of him, more now than when we first met. My gf keeps the relationship going as best I can tell, by taking her daughter to visit him (2+ hours away), picking her up, etc. He does not offer to come see her or help with the driving. Last year, when we first met, and i asked about his relationship with her daughter, she said something like "he does not care, she is just there, he is more focused on his new fiance". To this day i don't understand the relationship. My best guess is my gf wants her daughter to keep in touch with his kids, and to have a "Dad" in her life. If that makes sense.
Raena Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 I have not criticized her at all. I have kept quiet. And, i thought about helping her daughter as I USE to be strong in math. One night I did just that, it went OK, but I was very rusty and mom and daughter could tell :-) I don't blame you there, at least you tried. The math that is being taught to these students at that age is quite difficult. Is she taking algebra? Try using Khan Academy... there are some very good video's on there to explain some of the skills she will need to know. That site is good for everything by the way, not just math and has a section where she can practice her skills. Just a thought. Keep trying! It sounds to me though that you should really just focus on your relationship with her mother, your gf. Is that healthy and happy? If it is, then try not to stress her decisions too much unless she asks you for help.
Iguanna Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 I have no experience from your issue but I will share the experience of my grandmother. When she got a divorce she had a son, my father, 3 years old. She met her next husband when her kid was 7 or 8, she married him. She has told me a story where her husband once slapped her kid for something extreme he had done when he was like 10 years old (missing class and smoking with friends) and, although they were married and what my dad had done was really bad, she ordered her husband never to touch her kid anymore or she'd leave him. My grandfather never touched my dad again, and to be honest he stopped caring, he just let her make all the decisions for her son. What this story teaches me is that someone's kid ALWAYS comes first and a mother always forgives the kid, no matter what they do. In your case though this woman seems to be irresponsible and kind of ignorant in my opinion. She has her own opinions and she is not willing to listen to someone telling her another option. She does what she likes without considering the consequences, like leaving her daughter while being sick and ruining her daughter's joy to teach her mother a new thing. These things aren't always bad, but in some cases they can be really bad, especially for the kid's psychology, which for me is the most important thing in this story. My mother got divorced when I was 18 and she started meeting new friends and going out a lot. While I was 18 and had my own life, seeing her living her own life "like she didn't care for me" was a painful thing sometimes. Kids don't have out logic that says "someone has the right to live their own life as they want it". Kids have the belief that the parents are there to "obey" and help them and their personal life comes second (especially if she is an only child which for me was disastrous). It felt weird that mom who was always home with me suddenly has her own life and leaves me behind. But ok, I was a little spoiled, maybe your gf's daughter is not like this. I would suggest you to stay out of her daughter's upbringing, regardless of what she tells you. If you are being asked about a matter you can try to be fair and express your opinion, but if you aren't, then don't. It's a lose-lose situation for you cause either you make your gf or your gf's daughter sad, and you don't want either of these two happening. I'd tell her that it's her daughter and you feel you don't have the right to butt into their relationship and her upbringing. Now, whether your gf's behavior is bad enough to make you leave her is your own decision, we can't know exactly how she is in other aspects of her personality etc. This decision is yours to make. But I guess the honorable thing to do firstly is to talk to her about your concerns and see her point of view.
evade Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 I was shocked. her daughter was better, but, in my opinion, still not out of the woods. In addition, we had to cancel our plans together so she could be home with her daughter, then, when her daughter is "better" she makes plans to go out with friends and does not even ask if I want to go. She said she had not heard from me, did not know what my plans were, had 3 invites from thee different friends to go out, she wanted to go out, so she did. I said "Have a great night". So, for the single moms, or men who are dating single moms, how do I handle this? How do I safely share with her my concerns with what I see as irresponsible, or, poor choices with her child? There's a part of me that says "leave it alone" and I want to walk away from the relationship because of what I see as irresponsible behavior with her daughter, especially leaving her alone to go out with friends, especally when she was still sick. Same with school, she is blaming the school, when, the head of the county mathematicss gave her a lot of great advice. Unfortunately I think she sees it as her daughter and her are not in the wrong, the system is going to fail her daughter, again, when yeah, they are being irresponsible, and there is more they can do. Thanks Very selfish. she had not heard from you. so wth is wrong with texting? being considerate. you were. very selfish disgusting behavior. you give, care, take your time, gave up on your time to be with her because of this and she wants to go drinking..you handled it well, cause I would have exploded. other than that, I think youll have to be selective with how you help with the daughter. I dated a woman with kids. I suggested things when she had worries and we would talk about it but I tried not to interfere. but I never got to your situation R wise. 2+ years and she wanted to keep distance between me and her kids. I also lived with my stepmother when I was younger and she would be a mother figure but realized she could not be my mother or boss me around. but anything she needed to be done, she did it through my dad. no matter hwo you look at it, you will not come out well if you try to intervene as much as you want whats best for her. keep it inside. problem is its not fair. when she wants your help its ok, but if you want o help on your own, its not. I hate dating single mothers. its just too many issues and not really worth it. I wont get into but im just tired.
saltyfishhead666 Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Ugh, title should read "How do I help/not help" My ex gf, now gf, has a 14 year old daughter. I like her, a lot and we get along well. I have never had kids, I have 16 neices and nephews, that are starting to have kids, so I have been around lots of kids but never raised my own. I am 47, she is 43. Paternal father has been out of the picture since her daughter was 1. When I see my gf doing something, saying something, making a decion, that I think is wrong, irresponsible, poor, etc, I always keep quiet. She encourages me to get more involved with her daughter, but I don't because some of her choices, to me, are just wrong and irresponsible. And, I always fall back to what she says to me" Before I had a child I thought the same as you". This weekend, I did speak up about how I felt about something. Her daughter was sick Friday, had a fever ranging from 102 - 103. She kept her out of school and stayed home with her. We had plans Friday night and Saturday, which of course she had to cancel, and I was fine with that. I brought them dinner Friday night, stayed for a bit then went home. Saturday I texted her to see how her daughter was feeling, she replied fever is gone, she is better but still sick (major chest congestion). I asked her what her plans were and she said she was going to stay home all day with her daughter. We had a few "how is she" texts throughout the day. I got invited to dinner with friends, assumed my gf could not go, went, came home around 9PM, wanted to surprise my gf, go over, spend the night, as I assumed she was going stir crazy. So I texted her to ask what she was doing. She replied stating she was making plans to meet some friends out for drinks. I was shocked. her daughter was better, but, in my opinion, still not out of the woods. In addition, we had to cancel our plans together so she could be home with her daughter, then, when her daughter is "better" she makes plans to go out with friends and does not even ask if I want to go. She said she had not heard from me, did not know what my plans were, had 3 invites from thee different friends to go out, she wanted to go out, so she did. I said "Have a great night". When I asked her about her daughter the next day, she replied stating her daughter is not 2,3 or 5, she's 14, and she was fine. All I could think about was her leaving her daughter home alone, leaving the house at 10PM to meet friends for drinks, and what if her daughter took a turn for the worse while she was out. This, feels irrespsonsible to me so I shared this with her. If her and I will be sharing the raising of her child in lets say a year, these are big issues, ones that will come up again, and we see it differently. I fall back to "I have never been a parent" so I don't know nor do I understand though. Second example, her daughter is struggling in Math. I know the head of mathematics in the county where her daughter goes to school. I asked him if he could help. He did. He met with her math teacher, got a lot of great feedback, all feedback pointed back to her daughter needing to take more initiative, show up on test days, not miss so much time from class and tutoring, free tutoring offered by the teacher/school. My friend shared this with my gf. I waited a while then asked her how she felt about his feedback. She said she was grateful, but then went into this whole rant about it being the school, the teacher, and her daughter will fall behind, again. I reminded her of all the things she can do as a parent to know when there is a test (my friend told her she can look online as the teachers posts when homework is due, projects are due, and when tests are), to make sure her daughter is in school that day, the turoting, etc. It was one excuse after another, again, shifting it back on the school, IMHO. I feel this is irresponsible too, and, want to tell her this. I've kept quiet about this one. Third example, Friday night, while over at her apartment, her daughter asked asked my gf to help her with something in her room. She was kind of brushing her off so I went into her room to help her, thinking it would be a good time to bond more with her. Her daughter was teachign me how to do something. My gf came in and her daughter was trying to teach her how to do the same, too, something her daughter had learned. My gf ignored her daughter, did it her way, almost messed something up in doing so. Her daughter kept saying over and over "I was trying to teach you how to do this". iw anted to speak up, I did not, I just watched and listened. I wanted to tell my gf "Your daughter is trying to teach you something, and you, stepped in, ignored her, and did it your way". So, for the single moms, or men who are dating single moms, how do I handle this? How do I safely share with her my concerns with what I see as irresponsible, or, poor choices with her child? There's a part of me that says "leave it alone" and I want to walk away from the relationship because of what I see as irresponsible behavior with her daughter, especially leaving her alone to go out with friends, especally when she was still sick. Same with school, she is blaming the school, when, the head of the county mathematicss gave her a lot of great advice. Unfortunately I think she sees it as her daughter and her are not in the wrong, the system is going to fail her daughter, again, when yeah, they are being irresponsible, and there is more they can do. Thanks Thanks I think it's a tricky one. As a mother who has raised 2 children (I am only 25) however by myself and fatherless if a man who didn't have children (or did) came into our lives and began criticising why, or and how we do things I would be very annoyed as obviously we've learnt along the way we were taught and didn't have help. I think you have to choose your battles. The smaller stuff ignore it. The bigger stuff should you advise her make sure it is tactfully and for the best reason not simply because you don't agree. Hopefully she can see she has a good man in her life and allows you to have some input when it's needed without being upset. 1
Author Babolat Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 I have no experience from your issue but I will share the experience of my grandmother. When she got a divorce she had a son, my father, 3 years old. She met her next husband when her kid was 7 or 8, she married him. She has told me a story where her husband once slapped her kid for something extreme he had done when he was like 10 years old (missing class and smoking with friends) and, although they were married and what my dad had done was really bad, she ordered her husband never to touch her kid anymore or she'd leave him. My grandfather never touched my dad again, and to be honest he stopped caring, he just let her make all the decisions for her son. What this story teaches me is that someone's kid ALWAYS comes first and a mother always forgives the kid, no matter what they do. In your case though this woman seems to be irresponsible and kind of ignorant in my opinion. She has her own opinions and she is not willing to listen to someone telling her another option. She does what she likes without considering the consequences, like leaving her daughter while being sick and ruining her daughter's joy to teach her mother a new thing. These things aren't always bad, but in some cases they can be really bad, especially for the kid's psychology, which for me is the most important thing in this story. My mother got divorced when I was 18 and she started meeting new friends and going out a lot. While I was 18 and had my own life, seeing her living her own life "like she didn't care for me" was a painful thing sometimes. Kids don't have out logic that says "someone has the right to live their own life as they want it". Kids have the belief that the parents are there to "obey" and help them and their personal life comes second (especially if she is an only child which for me was disastrous). It felt weird that mom who was always home with me suddenly has her own life and leaves me behind. But ok, I was a little spoiled, maybe your gf's daughter is not like this. I would suggest you to stay out of her daughter's upbringing, regardless of what she tells you. If you are being asked about a matter you can try to be fair and express your opinion, but if you aren't, then don't. It's a lose-lose situation for you cause either you make your gf or your gf's daughter sad, and you don't want either of these two happening. I'd tell her that it's her daughter and you feel you don't have the right to butt into their relationship and her upbringing. Now, whether your gf's behavior is bad enough to make you leave her is your own decision, we can't know exactly how she is in other aspects of her personality etc. This decision is yours to make. But I guess the honorable thing to do firstly is to talk to her about your concerns and see her point of view. Thanks you, well said, and your life story, helps. She is an only child, and this was not a first for mom; mom is quite social and goes out often with friends a lot. Moms job involves a lot of evening networking events too. In some cases those friends are moms too and she brings her daughter (to their house usually). I do think she is a great mom, all things considered, and her and her daughter seem to have a close relationship. I'll always say "where is your daughter" and she will say "at home, she's ok". Then there are times when we are out and she will say "I need to get home to my daughter", which I respect. Regarding your last comment, well, that is well documented on LS, unfortunately. She has made some remarkable life changes over the past 10 months though.
Eau Claire Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 OP...you can't win this one. Keep doing what you are doing. Be flexible, bite your tongue at times, etc. Your primary relationship is with your GF...not her daughter. Your GF primary relationship in life is with her child...not you....even if she loves you with all her heart and soul. Been there. Two teenage daughters and a boyfriend. Thank goodness they are now both in their 20's and relatively successful so far in life. Double thanks that I have the most patient and understanding boyfriend in the world. 2
Author Babolat Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 I think it's a tricky one. As a mother who has raised 2 children (I am only 25) however by myself and fatherless if a man who didn't have children (or did) came into our lives and began criticising why, or and how we do things I would be very annoyed as obviously we've learnt along the way we were taught and didn't have help. I think you have to choose your battles. The smaller stuff ignore it. The bigger stuff should you advise her make sure it is tactfully and for the best reason not simply because you don't agree. Hopefully she can see she has a good man in her life and allows you to have some input when it's needed without being upset. Thanks. She tells me she wants my input regarding her daughter, she needs it, she repects my input, yet in a case like this, where I expressed it out of care, not criticizing, it was not received well.
saltyfishhead666 Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Thanks. She tells me she wants my input regarding her daughter, she needs it, she repects my input, yet in a case like this, where I expressed it out of care, not criticizing, it was not received well. That's the fault with her and most single mothers. Even if you are trying to help for her and her daughter whatever it may be it will likely be seen as criticising what she is doing because all she has is herself. Just calmly explain you aren't criticising her and you are trying to help like anyone else would. If she can't see and accept that then that is her problem not yours. May be sometimes you should remind her she is lucky. Dating as a single parent is very hard because someone not only has to want you but they have to want your child too. Too many selfish people out there aren't willing to take that job on
TheBladeRunner Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 (edited) Dating with kids involved is tough, I have a five year old. I haven't had anyone need to deal with my daughter yet as I haven't met the right one. I have however met some of my "date's" kids (waaaaay to soon IMO) and I feel your pain. The last one I dated had teenagers from hell. The way they talked to their mom was horrible, yet I would just sit there and keep my mouth shut. Ultimately in the end it was 50% of the reason I broke up with her; she had a "doormat" parenting style I could not agree with . Edited January 20, 2014 by TheBladeRunner spelling
Author Babolat Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 Dating with kids involved is tough, I have a five year old. I haven't had anyone need to deal with my daughter yet as I haven't met the right one. I have however met some of my "date's" kids (waaaaay to soon IMO) and I feel your pain. The last one I dated had teenagers from hell. The way they talked to their mom was horrible, yet I would just sit there and keep my mouth shut. Ultimately in the end it was 50% of the reason I broke up with her; she had a "doormat" parenting style I could not agree with . First woman I dated post marriage had a 14 year old son. She too was a single mom. She waited 3 months to introduce me to him. He was a monster, yelled at her, threw things at her. She would go into his bedroom when i was there and it sounded like WWIII. I never said a word. It was one of the reason I ended it. 1
Author Babolat Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 (edited) Very selfish. she had not heard from you. so wth is wrong with texting? being considerate. you were. very selfish disgusting behavior. you give, care, take your time, gave up on your time to be with her because of this and she wants to go drinking..you handled it well, cause I would have exploded. Thank you for the validation. Edited January 20, 2014 by Babolat
TheBladeRunner Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 First woman I dated post marriage had a 14 year old son. She too was a single mom. She waited 3 months to introduce me to him. He was a monster, yelled at her, threw things at her. She would go into his bedroom when i was there and it sounded like WWIII. I never said a word. It was one of the reason I ended it. A buddy of mine dated a gal for FIVE years......realized he couldn't stand the kid after 1 year. After witnessing that I have a rule that if I feel I am "putting up with something", I bail. Granted, anytime there are kids there will be ups and downs, but when I hear a kid telling mom to "fu#$-off"......and she let's the kid get away with it, that's a little much.
Author Babolat Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 A buddy of mine dated a gal for FIVE years......realized he couldn't stand the kid after 1 year. After witnessing that I have a rule that if I feel I am "putting up with something", I bail. Granted, anytime there are kids there will be ups and downs, but when I hear a kid telling mom to "fu#$-off"......and she let's the kid get away with it, that's a little much. Luckily I don't have that currently. Ironically, thinking back now, most of the woman I have dated post divorce are single moms; or dad is in the picture 1-2 times a year.
irc333 Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 I am 47, she is 43. Paternal father has been out of the picture since her daughter was 1. I usually don't even bother with a woman that has a kid full time. With joint custody at least you can have some "couple" time together.
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