Nony101 Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Sorry if this is long, but I feel like I need to write this out for my own sake. I'm really struggling here, and I realize that you won't know both sides of the story, but I am looking for honest opinions. Ultimately I love my girlfriend, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. She is my top priority, always on the forefront of my mind. I put her first, way before anything related to me. I love her more than anything, and I know she loves me, and this is the frustrating part. She says it, but doesn't really always demonstrate it. We went through The 5 Love Languages book, and they make reference to metaphorical love "tanks". I feel like I constantly feed into her tank, yet I'm struggling to keep anything in mine. She can snap at me sometimes because she thinks I don't listen, and normally that wouldn't have affected me and I would just brush it off, but now with the way I've been feeling it just devastates me, it really cuts me deep, every single time. Honestly, I do A LOT for her. It makes me wonder if she really loves me for me, or just loves the idea of me (a servant that will cater to her every whim). I've talked to her about it, but it turned out terribly and she wasn't listening to what I was really saying and refused to see anything other than literally. I ended up apologizing, and now we have a scar in our relationship that we'll probably never heal from. (Yes, I know, if you find my balls, please mail them back to me). I feel like I'm a lot more invested in our relationship than she is. I'll be conservative here, and say that she doesn't do half the stuff that I do for her. I give of myself a lot, and I don't really see that returned. An example, I sent her this really long text message, just pouring out my heart to her about how I felt about her, and she replied back saying she wanted to reply, but started talking about other **** instead. We used to write notes on the fridge in our apartment to each other. The last note is one that I wrote her 3 weeks ago. I've significantly reduced the amount of effort I've put into daily texts, and I actually feel good about it, because now we're at the same "effort" level. I wrote her notes, poems, brought her stuff at work, etc. Nothing from her. What do I do? I honestly love her, but forever is a long time to feel this way, and honestly, I'm questioning whether I can willingly make a lifelong commitment to live this way...
d0nnivain Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Have you told her any of this? If so & her behavior hasn't changed, she may not view you as a priority the same way you see her. Your choice then becomes put up with it or leave. If you pick leave, I bet your find your missing anatomical parts on the way out the door. If you haven't talked, do so. Tell her concrete things she can do like the notes. To just say "You're not giving me what I need in this relationship" doesn't really help her change. Good luck.
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 You don't sound very well matched, you're not getting what you want/need out of a relationship with her it seems. It actually sounds like you want quite a lot from a partner, I am a romantic and very giving but I don't know if I could match your level of investment in the romance aspect of it. Nothing wrong with your way or her way but over time I think you'll build up resentment. 2
Eau Claire Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Isn't this 'another' thread you have started on more or less the same subject? Perhaps you need to reevaluate your status. Women like a sensitive but CONFIDENT man. It's fine to navel gaze but you are bordering on being obsessive. We know very little about your situation but When I look at all your treads together...hmmmm?...things are going to decline further. She might have felt a bit smothered by your neediness for validation and affection.
Author Nony101 Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 Thank you for the response. I've talked to her a few times about certain things, including this, and this is where the metaphorical scar came from. She picked one thing I said (out of context) and totally flipped the table on me. I think it's a defense mechanism. I honestly told her how I felt and she got really upset and wondered how I could ever feel that way. I told her I'm sorry that I upset you, but that is honestly how I felt! She made me feel like the scum of the earth for coming out with my honest feelings. When I'm put in a situation like that, I listen. There must be a reason that the person has come to me and are voicing their concerns. I don't just turn the table to their faults. I'm making conscious efforts to change because these are things that I need to improve on. She has not changed anything we've talked about, I simply tolerate them more. Unfortunately it's not just a stay or leave thing for me. I don't want to be alone. She'll of course find some other guy no problem, but things will never be the same for me. I don't plan on leaving her, but I am concerned that she will leave me. I suppose it's just going to have to hit rock bottom where I just don't even care anymore if she stays or leaves for me to let her know how I really feel and stick with it.
Author Nony101 Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 Isn't this 'another' thread you have started on more or less the same subject? Perhaps you need to reevaluate your status. Women like a sensitive but CONFIDENT man. It's fine to navel gaze but you are bordering on being obsessive. We know very little about your situation but When I look at all your treads together...hmmmm?...things are going to decline further. She might have felt a bit smothered by your neediness for validation and affection. So, what can I do differently? I love treating her well and doing things for her, but I guess maybe it is hard for her to match my level. I often wonder if I am too "high maintenance", maybe I am too needy. I like doing these things, are you suggesting I dial it back then?
Eau Claire Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Why exactly do you love her? I don't think you do. You do not want to be alone. Bottom line. You are not happy in this relationship and will not be happy when alone. The only solution is to end this one, be alone ...then find someone new who is more on your own wave length. On the positive side, this relationship has taught you a lot about yourself. Use that. You are articulate and seem to have the insight needed to be rational if you get out of your predicament and can use your brain. Of course you can find another partner. Millions do every year. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Unfortunately it's not just a stay or leave thing for me. I don't want to be alone. She'll of course find some other guy no problem, but things will never be the same for me. I don't plan on leaving her, but I am concerned that she will leave me. I suppose it's just going to have to hit rock bottom where I just don't even care anymore if she stays or leaves for me to let her know how I really feel and stick with it. Re-read the above. You don't love this girl anymore than she loves you. You are staying because you are afraid to be alone. Here's a thought. . . if you leave especially on your own terms to go find with happiness with someone else . . . you will be better off.
Author Nony101 Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 I probably could have worded that differently. I don't "love" her just because I don't want to be alone. There are a lot of reasons that I love her. I love her because she has a fantastic personality, she's headstrong and smart. She accomplishes anything that she puts her mind to. That smile too, wow. Can seriously transform a room. I've never felt the way I feel whenever I'm around her. Never has anyone had so much influence on my emotions.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 None of this stuff is going to change much. The dynamic you have now is the one you'll always have, pretty much. Can you live with that or not? 3
Author Nony101 Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 Wow... Super depressing... I really appreciate everyone's input. I guess I just need some time to think. Thank you everyone.
Eau Claire Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 None of this stuff is going to change much. The dynamic you have now is the one you'll always have, pretty much. Can you live with that or not? This is one of the most important insights that many people in a variety of situations need to hear. Things will not change in one, five or ten years. Appreciate the positives of the relationship or move on. Stop the whining and moaning.
newmoon Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 I haven't read your other threads so I don't know your backstory, but from your explanation here it sounds like you're the weaker partner and she knows that. there are a lot of instances where the man gives significantly more to keep the woman but, as someone said, that'll never change and you'll always be giving more. and imo, a woman will eventually tire of a man that gives her too much - we need challenges too and a woman that gets everything she needs and can pretty much get a man to do everything she wants will find him boring and take advantage. My bf and I read the love languages book too, and he does a much better job at filling my 'tanks' than I do with his, but at least I try. She should be trying to make you happy and if she's not doing that then you've got a problem.
chelsea2011 Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 I don't know your story, but is there something in your relationship that stops her from making more of an emotional investment? Is she afraid of being hurt? Sorry if this question seems odd, but I've been reading in the ow/om and infidelity forums! LOL
jphcbpa Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 you need to back way off...mirror her efforts was she this way in other R's? once is a fluke, twice is a coincidence, three times is a pattern. what are her patterns?
crude Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 It doesn't sound like she's insisting that you be all that giving, it seems to be coming from you. Just tone it down a bit, and give as good as you get. If you still aren't happy, and need more from a woman, then get her autograph, put it on your mantel, and move on. You love her personality and general awesomeness, be a fan of hers, but look for someone who can give you more.
kenneth1010 Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Advice on here has been to " give as good as you get ". I would suggest not doing anything for her at all, if only for a week or two and see how she responds. And see how you feel after that week or two. You may have a clearer picture of where you both are right now. 1
Author Nony101 Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 Hi there everyone. I'm sorry to resurrect an old thread, but I thought I would come back and post on my experience. Things reached somewhat of a boiling point, and we had a pretty serious argument where I held my ground, and truly stuck to my guns. It felt good, and I feel like it kind of threw her for a loop, and she saw this side of me that she never has seen before. I addressed some concerns and after we made up things seem to be better. I feel like we still have some progress to make, but for now things are actually ok, not super great, but ok. I honestly still feel somewhat disconnected from her because our relationship has since halted pretty much any physical activity. We sleep in the same bed, but we don't sleep "together". She usually sleeps with her back to me on the other side of the bed. We don't really "make out" like we used to and haven't in months. Whenever I have initiated, she might start, but then she usually stops with mid-session which is even more disappointing than just ignoring my advances. I feel like our relationship lacks a passion that it used to have. I'm giving her some space, and mirroring her efforts. I'm feeling good about it, and it feels good to dial it back. Whenever she tries to initiate anything physical I just put a stop to it, because I figure she's just going to "tease" me again. I'm a lot less disappointed, but it just feels like we're just good friends that kiss every once in a while. So, like I said things aren't great, but ok for now. Thank you for all of your help and guidance.
Jbum5 Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 (edited) I haven't logged in for a while, but once I saw this thread I just had to. You, poor lad, are in a one-sided relationship - been there, done that. The lack of physical intimacy is just the beginning, and it won't get any better. You will eventually accept the fact that you are dating a selfish fool (fool because she'll eventually lose you). Another name would be an adult baby - see the oxymoron there? But the sad part is it's so true. Bottom line, people want what they can't have; they take advantage and hardly give second thoughts to what they do have, especially adult babies. This is just human nature and everyone is guilty of it in some aspect or point in their life, but in particular adult babies. You best call it a break before you get steam-rolled. Sorry to say. Actually, there's no need to apologize, because once you are out of that prison you'll want to be on parole forever. Time to be a man, take the cuffs off, and find your balls. Edited January 28, 2014 by Jbum5
crederer Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Hey man, I feel you. I've been there at some point in just about every relationship I've had. My advice would be to stop putting out so hard and see what the reaction is.
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