Could use some support

[wmplatt]

I've been reading through these forums for awhile now, which probably makes it obvious that I'm going through a breakup.

 

 

Colleen and I have known each other for almost ten years. We met in high school, where I gathered the courage to ask her out. She said yes, and we dated for a few months, happily, before her father moved away and she went with him. The move put her an hour and a half away, but we decided to try the long distance relationship, until she called me one day to tell me that she cheated on me. I forgave her then, because I understood that what we trying was difficult, and we were young; it wasn't really fair to either of us to put ourselves in such a hard relationship when the rest of our lives demanded our attentions. So I forgave her...but I also ended it then.

 

 

Three years later, I found her again on Facebook. She was 18 at that point, and I was 21. I drove out to see her, and we both realized that, despite the years, we still cared for each other. So we decided to try again, continuing the long distance relationship like before. It was easier this time, because we had more free time to drive to see each other. And, amazingly, at some point we fell in love. We talked about moving in together, and when she finished her Associate's degree at her community college, we moved to North Carolina to go to college together.

 

 

It's been almost five years now since we've been back together. We've lived together for nearly three years. In this time, she's finished her Bachelor's degree, though I still have a year remaining before I graduate. We were happy for so long. I'm still amazed by our relationship; we never fought, and never argued. We had disagreements, sure, but they were always little things like cleaning up, and we always were able to talk and work things out.

 

 

Obviously, since I'm here on this forum, something changed. Without the slightest bit of egotism, I can say that it was her. I say it, because I know it's true. A couple of months ago, she started telling me she was really unhappy, and despite my best efforts, nothing seemed to help her. She was scare, really scared, because she was about to graduate. She started questioning her choice in studies, and whether she would be able to find a job. On that note, she recently quit a job, with my encouragement, that she hated. Since then, she hadn't been able to find even a crappy job for months. Her career options, lack of money, and fear of the future led her down into a depressive state. In other words, she was (and still is) going through a quarter-life crisis. Before I knew all of this, though, I had decided I was going to propose to her, and she found out through a friend. Understandably, she got scared; she wasn't sure if this was the right move for her at this point in her life. And she was scared that she was scared...she has told me that she wants to be able to give herself entirely to me, but she doesn't think she can right now. She started going out with friends to bars a lot, and one night while she was drunk, she kissed another guy. She told me immediately, and I forgave her, but she said it also scared her that she could like someone else. Finally, about a month ago, we broke up.

 

 

On my end, I know what I am supposed to do. I am supposed to give her the space to let her figure things out. This is a personal problem for her that I can't exactly help her with, and she doesn't want help. She wants to experience life on her own for a bit to discover her independence and to find out her own potential. I get that, but it's hard to truly accept that. I love Colleen with all of my heart, and it's hard for me to let he be unhappy right now. It's also hard because this was all her decision, and I didn't really get a say in it. I have hope that we might end up back together again, but that hope is tempered by a fear that we won't.

 

 

Another problem is that we're still living together. She doesn't have the money to afford her own place. We both tried staying at friends' houses for awhile, but difficulties for both of us have led to the decision that we're going to stay in the same one bedroom apartment until she has enough saved to move out. She finally started a (crappy, low-paying) job yesterday, but it's still going to be awhile before that day comes. And honestly, I don't want it to. I don't want her to leave. At times, it feels like we can remain friends, when I feel strong, but inevitably, after awhile I break down and it seems impossible. Then I become okay again, but it's a vicious cycle that only hurts both of us. I don't know what to do, or how to make this all better. I want to hope that things will work out, but I know that will take time. I guess what I'm asking for on here is for support to help me be strong for her until she goes.

[Toddbt12y1]

You need to be strong for you, not her. You love her, but she buckles too easily under pressure, and makes unwise decisions (first, ldr cheating; I grant that she and you were young. Second, the kissing a guy). You are a good man, to forgive her so readily. But, you needn't be a doormat, and every time some bit of pressure comes along, she flakes and does something foolish.

 

Only for you to forgive her.

 

But, you know what's up here. She doesn't know what she wants now that her life is undergoing changes. The stresses that are there: Her need to explore and find her way in life. Best you let her.

 

What does that mean for you? It means that you find your way too, without her. Learn to adapt to being single; but, not for long. You really love this lady, however, you need to love yourself some too. Think of your future. Think of what you deserve, and perhaps need: As she is not that person, not now....may never be. You can find another woman, who may not buckle under pressure, and do foolish things.

 

Maybe...In time, she will mature up a bit, and handle pressures, and a love life with you. This does not mean you wait around for her. Doesn't mean that you have to constantly help her, er, be there for her.

 

Live your own life now, as she lives hers. The future is unknown, and anything can happen....but, live, don't wait around for her to figure it all out. You will hurt and hold yourself back.

[wmplatt]

You need to be strong for you, not her. You love her, but she buckles too easily under pressure, and makes unwise decisions (first, ldr cheating; I grant that she and you were young. Second, the kissing a guy). You are a good man, to forgive her so readily. But, you needn't be a doormat, and every time some bit of pressure comes along, she flakes and does something foolish.

 

Only for you to forgive her.

 

But, you know what's up here. She doesn't know what she wants now that her life is undergoing changes. The stresses that are there: Her need to explore and find her way in life. Best you let her.

 

What does that mean for you? It means that you find your way too, without her. Learn to adapt to being single; but, not for long. You really love this lady, however, you need to love yourself some too. Think of your future. Think of what you deserve, and perhaps need: As she is not that person, not now....may never be. You can find another woman, who may not buckle under pressure, and do foolish things.

 

Maybe...In time, she will mature up a bit, and handle pressures, and a love life with you. This does not mean you wait around for her. Doesn't mean that you have to constantly help her, er, be there for her.

 

Live your own life now, as she lives hers. The future is unknown, and anything can happen....but, live, don't wait around for her to figure it all out. You will hurt and hold yourself back.

 

 

 

I know that you are right, and it's what I tell myself when I feel like I can handle things. I don't like hearing that I might find someone else, especially not while I'm in the throes of agony of this breakup, but understanding that I need to focus on me a bit is something that helps me from day to day.

 

 

One thing that I did was interview myself. I grabbed a pen and paper and asked myself some tough questions and wrote down my answers as honestly as I could. It helped me to see where things were at and how to help both myself and her. But it's hard to remember all of those answers when I look around our apartment and see the home that we made. She's adamant about leaving soon, and that thought cripples me. It's thoughts like those that just appear randomly in my head throughout the day that make this so tough. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to stay true to what I know is the right course of action.

[Toddbt12y1]

You can help her. But, your main course should be, at the moment, yourself. Interviewing yourself? First I heard of using that to help yourself. That is smart. Glad it work....to a degree.

 

Might do you best to get away from what reminds you of her. Of course, you cannot up and leave your place. And definitely do not jump into dating whilst you are broken over here. Do things for you.

 

Tell me...what are some things you really wanted to do, but haven't yet? Try those out. Rebuild yourself. That is key to re growing a strong ego again. You are a man who is about to have success in his hands (soon to graduate), think of your future now.

 

That's all you really can do. I know how you feel, I do. Hard to imagine things as they have happened: all the possibilities of what will now happen. You can provide her shelter. But When She leaves....Let Her Discover herself.

 

You discover yourself.