Littleshark Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 It's long. Sorry, but I really need some help. Four years ago, I met a guy who was 22 years older than me. He has a big family with 5 kids. We had very great chatting each time. We understood the other so much. It's always that he or I could spoke out what the other was going to say. That was amazing and I did feel great to spend my time chatting with him. He told me he started to chat on Skype becoz his wife spent her most time chatting with her friend on phone. However he believed he still loved his wife very much. He was a nice guy and husband. He even allowed his wife to go for a trip alone every year. I respected him and his family. We chatted every day had a good friendship until February last year. I noticed that I had some special feelings to him. I knew it was not good becoz he was married and so in love his wife and family. So I told him I had to stop our chatting. He agreed but still texted me from time to time. I just read but not reply to him. Life moved n like that until March. One day he texted me and said EMERGENCY. Then I asked him what happened. He told me he found out his wife cheated on him for a long time. his wife started to cheat in the third year of the marriage. They were married for 26 years. So it means she cheated on him for 23 years. His wife had sex with at least 3 guys. And she even said I LOVE U to one of them. Besides, his youngest child was a cuckoo kid. The biological father was one of his best friends. He told me all of these and said he got hurt so much. He then understood why his wife just tried to have sex once in their honeymoon and seldom had sex with him in the past years. He couldn't accept his wife had sex 5 times one day with his best friend but only once each week with him. His heart was broken. He said he was not certain whether he still loved her after knowing the fact. I tried to console him and get over this. He said his happy time he had was from his kids and me. He even said it was me to stop him having the suicide thought. However, he still lived with his wife. In May, he had a business trip with his wife to another country. There, they visited a swing club. He said it's his wife invited him and wanna make his dream come true. He even told me how great he felt when he was there. Honestly, he made me feel sick by saying that. Then on the way home, he wrote to me and said he wanted to get everything back to before but he was not sure of it. Therefore, he moved on with a scar in his heart. With life going on, he claimed he couldn't bear his wife day after day. He planned a trip and visit me. He wanna see the feelings to me. So we met in reality in October. We spend 5 days together. I believed he was attracted to me and crazy at me. He even introduced me to his mom. But he said I LIKE U, BUT I DON'T LOVE U. I was disappointed becoz I loved him so much. However, I couldn't change his mind. We were apart without happy ending. After he got home, he texted me and said I LOVE U, BUT I CAN'T SAY TAHT. MAYBE I WAS AFRAID OF LOSING MY KIDS. I was puzzled and telling him I NEVER ASKED U TO LEAVE UR KIDS. I JUST WANNA SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU. WE CAN LIVE WITH THEM. He was happy to know my thoughts and told me he wanted to live with me too. Since that day, he started to plan our future. He made so many hopes and plans. I had a good job and nice career future in my country. I even thought about quitting everything and just go for him. In November, one day he told me he argued with his wife and told her he was having me. In the same day, his wife sent me a message. She warned me and asked me to leave his husband. I showed him the msg. He wrote her a long letter and wanted to separate. All of sudden, after 3 days, he wrote me a letter, telling me the destiny ended for us. He still loved his wife and the love was stronger and necessary. I was soooooo confused of what happened there. I texted him and asked, he only said he realized he still loved her after he got back from church one night. Now it's over 1 month. I still love him but can not get over what he did to me. I can not figure out how he could change his mind so quickly. How could he love his wife even he said it was brother and sister love before. Pls help me. I really need help. i hope i could get him back. Thanks for reading all above.
d0nnivain Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 His marriage is more important. You can't get him back. A women young enough to be his daughter is a huge ego stroke but she is his soulmate even if they have a dysfunctional relationship. A 26 year marriage vs a 1 year OL lark doesn't compare in importance. Sorry. For your own good, move on. 1
Author Littleshark Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 Thx But one thing I can't understand is that even if he knew his wife didn't love him, or cheated on him at the beginning of the marriage, or cuckoo kid, he could still forgive her and keep on their life as before? Just becoz they had 20+ marriage? Trust was gone in the marriage, what can bring it back to their marriage? What if their kids know what happened between their family? Maybe becoz I'm from Asian, Different culture leads me to understand differently from western people.
d0nnivain Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 I can't explain to you why he made that decision. It doesn't make sense to me either. You may never know. All you can focus on is the fact that he chose his wife & family over you. Again, I'm sorry that you are hurting but the sooner you accept that & move forward, the sooner you will heal. 1
Author Littleshark Posted January 22, 2014 Author Posted January 22, 2014 Thank u so much d0nnivain. I have to accept the fact and move on. This is life.
Appreciate Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 You don't know if anything he was telling is true. Many WS's have written outlandish lies to their AP's. Maybe he was having a MLC and made up all of the stuff he said about his wife's cheating, the cuckold child (not cuckoo) and the swinger's club. Honestly, who goes to a swinger's club with a cheating wife as an act of repairing a marriage? All of this could have been a fantasy game for him. The planning your futures together, all of it. He may have been wanting to leave his wife for other reasons. If his stories are true and he stayed with his wife, this is not a man you'd want to be with. Plus, 5 kids? You think you're ready to be a step mom to 5 kids? Most of whom would probably reject and hate you for breaking up a family? Some of whom may be closer to you in age than you are to their father? Chalk this up to a lesson learned. Don't get involved with married men, especially older ones. 3
whichwayisup Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 You have to let go. This man has chosen his wife and kids over you. He never was going to leave all that he loves behind for the unknown future with you. It sucks that he led you, future faked and gave you hope a life with him. Please seek therapy to help you cope with this in a healthy way so you can heal well and be happy again. Whatever he and his wife share is stronger than he realized. Maybe he did wake up and see what he was going to lose out on if he left them for you. Or maybe he is a wimp and has no balls to stand up and make changes. Who knows what the real truth is...But what I can tell you is, 100% true - His decision to stay with his wife and kids is a done deal and you have no choice to accept that. Please do not interfere in their lives, call and text him trying to get him to change his mind. Respect his decision, as much as it hurts you, accept your A is over and grieve the loss. Surround yourself with good friends and family right now, people who love you and care about you.
Author Littleshark Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 You don't know if anything he was telling is true. Many WS's have written outlandish lies to their AP's. Maybe he was having a MLC and made up all of the stuff he said about his wife's cheating, the cuckold child (not cuckoo) and the swinger's club. Honestly, who goes to a swinger's club with a cheating wife as an act of repairing a marriage? All of this could have been a fantasy game for him. The planning your futures together, all of it. He may have been wanting to leave his wife for other reasons. If his stories are true and he stayed with his wife, this is not a man you'd want to be with. Plus, 5 kids? You think you're ready to be a step mom to 5 kids? Most of whom would probably reject and hate you for breaking up a family? Some of whom may be closer to you in age than you are to their father? Chalk this up to a lesson learned. Don't get involved with married men, especially older ones. Thx And Could u tell me what is MLC? You are right that he should not be the guy I want to be with. I did have a lesson he gave to me.
Author Littleshark Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 You have to let go. This man has chosen his wife and kids over you. He never was going to leave all that he loves behind for the unknown future with you. It sucks that he led you, future faked and gave you hope a life with him. Please seek therapy to help you cope with this in a healthy way so you can heal well and be happy again. Whatever he and his wife share is stronger than he realized. Maybe he did wake up and see what he was going to lose out on if he left them for you. Or maybe he is a wimp and has no balls to stand up and make changes. Who knows what the real truth is...But what I can tell you is, 100% true - His decision to stay with his wife and kids is a done deal and you have no choice to accept that. Please do not interfere in their lives, call and text him trying to get him to change his mind. Respect his decision, as much as it hurts you, accept your A is over and grieve the loss. Surround yourself with good friends and family right now, people who love you and care about you. You are right. That is a done decision and he won't change his mind. I agree with what u said that he might see what he lose if he left them for me. And I also agree with that he is a wimp, totally. Even if he changes his mind, I would not accept him any more.
Confuddled1983 Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Thx And Could u tell me what is MLC? You are right that he should not be the guy I want to be with. I did have a lesson he gave to me. MLC = Mid Life Crisis
Author Littleshark Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 MLC = Mid Life Crisis Thx;);)
Author Littleshark Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 In the last texting, I said: I wish ur daughters will experience what I have been suffering from u and u will die alone. It's too mean, isn't it?
Appreciate Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 (edited) In the last texting, I said: I wish ur daughters will experience what I have been suffering from u and u will die alone. It's too mean, isn't it? Uhh... What do his daughters have to do anything? They are innocent. Maybe that's something you could say in your country as an insult, but not here. He probably just sees you as a crazy person and it's the kind of text he could show to his wife to prove his point. If you were to mention his daughters at all it would be to tell him that he's neglected them, betrayed them and served as a poor role model. It's time to look at yourself and see what allowed YOU to get involved with a married man. Edited January 23, 2014 by Appreciate 1
almond Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 In the last texting, I said: I wish ur daughters will experience what I have been suffering from u and u will die alone. It's too mean, isn't it? Um, yeah. Wishing pain upon his innocent daughters is a pretty disgusting thing to do in my opinion. If you ever had any chance of getting him back, I'd say you just put an end to that for good. 1
skywriter Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 In the last texting, I said: I wish ur daughters will experience what I have been suffering from u and u will die alone. It's too mean, isn't it? Given time and no contact, you will realize that he was inconsiderate to involve you in his marital issues. This is why boundaries should be enforced by people who are in relationships. Hopefully you will not want others to experience the pain, and upon knowing someone could be headed in that direction, may discourage this.
Author Littleshark Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 Given time and no contact, you will realize that he was inconsiderate to involve you in his marital issues. This is why boundaries should be enforced by people who are in relationships. Hopefully you will not want others to experience the pain, and upon knowing someone could be headed in that direction, may discourage this. I was out of mind and said that. At that moment, the only thing I was considering was after his daughters had the same experience as I did, he would be able to realize how much hurt I got. But now, I felt bad.its not becoz I cursed him but becoz i was so evil. I never cursed anyone before. 1
Author Littleshark Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 Um, yeah. Wishing pain upon his innocent daughters is a pretty disgusting thing to do in my opinion. If you ever had any chance of getting him back, I'd say you just put an end to that for good. That's why I feel bad. The daughters are innocent. I was so bad.
Author Littleshark Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 Uhh... What do his daughters have to do anything? They are innocent. Maybe that's something you could say in your country as an insult, but not here. He probably just sees you as a crazy person and it's the kind of text he could show to his wife to prove his point. If you were to mention his daughters at all it would be to tell him that he's neglected them, betrayed them and served as a poor role model. It's time to look at yourself and see what allowed YOU to get involved with a married man. I know. I also feel guilty right now.
Appreciate Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Cool off a bit, process what's happened and then write a final email to him for closure. You're not trying to get him back so you can at least get what you feel off your chest. And apologize to his wife. What did she ever do to you? He knows what he did. He just doesn't want to face it. It was a painful lesson learned. Try not to let it scar you too deeply.
Appreciate Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 You have a right to feel anger. Even rage. He promised you a future and then closed you down.
Author Littleshark Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 (edited) Cool off a bit, process what's happened and then write a final email to him for closure. You're not trying to get him back so you can at least get what you feel off your chest. And apologize to his wife. What did she ever do to you? He knows what he did. He just doesn't want to face it. It was a painful lesson learned. Try not to let it scar you too deeply. Why apologize to his wife? Maybe it's easy for him to not face it. For me the only thing I regretted is what I cursed to his daughters. Edited January 23, 2014 by Littleshark
Owl Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Why apologize to his wife? Because you participated in the deception and betrayal of her. You hurt her. Maybe it's easy for him to not face it. I'm sure it is. It is almost always easier to bury your head in the sand rather than truly deal with the damage you've done to others. For me the only thing I regretted is what I cursed to his daughters. That's your only regret? Seems to me that there were many more lessons to be learned by what you've experienced that you totally missed. becoz It is actually "because". Unusual mispelling for someone who otherwise seems not to have English as their native tongue. That's a corruption more typical of young native speakers used for texting. Interesting. Bottom line here...no, you're not going to "win him back". He's made a choice, he's informed you of his choice, and so far his actions have backed that choice up. It's over. Your best bet here is to learn the painful lesson NOT to get involved with someone who is already in a relationship, and move on. Another 'red flag' here was the age difference...you're young enough to be one of his daughters. That doesn't commonly work out into a good long-term relationship.
Author Littleshark Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 @owl I betrayed and hurt her? She cheated on her husband. And her husband promised me a future but dumped me finally. Ok then it's fair to us. Thx. You are funny.
Appreciate Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Remember that the things he told you about his wife may not be true at all. If you are justifying it in your head that she's not a good wife, you are taking information from a liar as the truth. More than likely she's a perfectly good woman trying to raise five kids while her husband is running around with a young pretty plaything. I'm sure that is great for her self-esteem and sense of worth as a wife.
Author Littleshark Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 Remember that the things he told you about his wife may not be true at all. If you are justifying it in your head that she's not a good wife, you are taking information from a liar as the truth. More than likely she's a perfectly good woman trying to raise five kids while her husband is running around with a young pretty plaything. I'm sure that is great for her self-esteem and sense of worth as a wife. I get your point. I might miss a part of the whole story. That he could find out his wife cheating on him is because he by accident accessed to his wife's account of Skype or something else( it's worse I think), and copied all the history of chatting. He said they were proofs and asked me to keep them for him. I read them. Some were print screen with pics. So I believed he did not lie. And the youngest kid's biological father, I also knew him. He and i chatted a bit before everything was disclosed. I can say she has his DNA by seeing their pics. So what do u think? honestly, im so puzzled. Anyway, I APPRICIATE you help me here.
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