Panda87 Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 I am here again just to vent... On my previous thread, i have mentioned of what happened on my current relationship. After that, things has gotten back again with her, and now when i deeply in love with her. she gave me the bomb today that she is tired and she wants it to be over. i said bomb because, everything was so good earlier we talked we laughed i accompany her talking non stop. Being there for her happily, no doubt there were bumps on the road but i can manage it this time. Because im used to it, i learn that i need to calm down myself everytime she hurts herself. But that day, when she need to go vacation with her friends. She missed her flights, and she gets depressed again. What sucks is, i am not there to calm her down. All i can do is text and text and call her but she nvr picks up. I am human too, and i love her to death. So even if i tried to calm myself down, 3 hours of no message or call from her i will get terrified and worried. She messaged me said she was so stress, she gets drunk and vommit. I react fast and so so worried but she disappear again. So when she finally picked my call, i might do something that pressure without i realised it. I asked her questions about what happened, too many questions that she hates it, and she start to push me away. And i am sure you guys know how it feel to be push away by someone that you love when all u did is caring for them (but she thinks i pressure her, which i might) So i hanged up the phone after she said something that hurts me bad, thinking that i think its best to not talk or say anything cause it might cause bigger misunderstanding. So i leave it at it is, without knowing whether she reach to the place safely. The next day i received msg from her, "i miss you" but i ignored cause at that point of time i am still hurt. So i dont want to say something hurt her before i calm myself down, also im thinking maybe she can actually realize how much i love her and what i did is pure bec i care alot for her. nothing else, not even expected her to change because i know all i need to do is accepting. which i did, i just worried abt her actions. Anyway today, she deleted my pictures from her instagram and block my instagram. i knew something is wrong, i contacted her through msg bec she refuse to pick up my call. Basically aft i convince her to reconsider, she said its over. no more hope, its the end. And here i am left broken again, no amount of words that i can say to express how much i feel right now. It just pain and empty, she was the most unique person i ever love. The love that i have for her not those kinda of passionate love is those kind of love that whatever happens to her i know i will never leave her. I just want to be with her as hard as it is, go through ****s with her. This time i just breathe, and let her feel what she wants to feel. If i am not for her, i am not. I truly want to see her happy, be as healthy as she can with or without me. Maybe i am not for her, only time knows. Now i just not ready to let her go. If ever there is time for me and her again, i will learn to set her free. Do whatever she wants, and not be worry too much. As she is an adult now, i need to let her be an adult. Learn her mistakes, just be her rocks. But i dont know when will be the time... Sorry for long winded story, i just need to let go what inside my head so i can breathe and think clearly again...
Downtown Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Panda, in this and another thread about your GF, you seem to be describing some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I recommend you follow the two links I provided in my post in BreakEven's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/455898-am-i-really-here-again#post5475542. Those links point to two articles describing the warning signs in greater detail. If those descriptions sound familiar and ring a bell, I strongly suggest you stay away from this young woman. If she actually does have strong BPD traits, she very likely will return to try to pull you -- once again -- into the toxic r/s you describe. Take care, Panda.
Author Panda87 Posted January 22, 2014 Author Posted January 22, 2014 Panda, in this and another thread about your GF, you seem to be describing some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I recommend you follow the two links I provided in my post in BreakEven's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/455898-am-i-really-here-again#post5475542. Those links point to two articles describing the warning signs in greater detail. If those descriptions sound familiar and ring a bell, I strongly suggest you stay away from this young woman. If she actually does have strong BPD traits, she very likely will return to try to pull you -- once again -- into the toxic r/s you describe. Take care, Panda. Hi downtown, thanks for your reply. I already know that she has this kind of disorder. I am fully aware of that, and i am willing to go through it with her if she still loves me. I know its a lifetime commitment to endure this but i love her that much i really want to work this out. I dont want to run away, i want to stay as hard as it gets if she still wants me. I am not there to fix her, i know i couldnt. All i want is to spend times with her, though i know it will more downs than ups. I am not given up on her, because when we are good i have the best moment of my life with her. I know all of you might think you are just blinded by love, but what love means if its there only in good times? bipolar or not, she still human inside. and i couldnt care less about her disorder, because all i care is her smile in her face. It may sound cliche, but its the truth. I just want her to fight for us, and not given up that easy
Downtown Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 I already know that she has this kind of disorder. I am fully aware of that ....bipolar or not, she still human inside. No, not "bipolar." What I mentioned was Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). What concerns me is the "cutting" you mention in your December thread. Significantly, cutting and other self mutilation is strongly associated with BPD. Indeed, it is one of the nine traits used in diagnosing BPD. Further, a hospital study concluded that half of the people admitted for cutting were women having BPD. See Understanding those who se... [J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004] - PubMed - NCBI. What love means if its there only in good times?Sadly, all the love in the world won't help her if she has strong BPD traits. On the contrary, your love will hurt a BPDer (a person having strong traits). Trying to heal a BPDer by loving her would be as foolish as trying to heal a burn patient by hugging him. The reason is that BPDers have a great fear of engulfment that makes it painful for them to experience the intimacy that goes hand in hand with being loved. This means that you will hurt a BPDer by drawing close (thus triggering her engulfment fear) and hurt her just as much when you back away (thus triggering her abandonment fear). This is why a BPDer marriage is a lose-lose situation for both partners -- unless the BPDer is self-motivated to work hard for many years in intensive therapy to heal herself, an outcome that is very rare (perhaps 1 out of a hundred). I dont want to run away, i want to stay as hard as it gets if she still wants me. If you are determined to stay with her, I strongly recommend you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. Only a professional can diagnose your GF's issues. I also suggest that, while your looking for a psychologist, you read more about BPD to see if the symptoms sound very familiar. An easy place to start is my description of 18 warning signs for BPD at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/419416-ran-into-my-ex-bar-8-months-later-interesting-story#post5164075. If most of those red flags sound very familiar, I suggest you read my more detailed description of the warning signs at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/419416-ran-into-my-ex-bar-8-months-later-interesting-story#post5164075. 2
Emilia Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 I already know that she has this kind of disorder. I am fully aware of that, and i am willing to go through it with her if she still loves me. I know its a lifetime commitment to endure this but i love her that much i really want to work this out. I dont want to run away, i want to stay as hard as it gets if she still wants me. Oh goodie! Another codependent :bunny: I am not there to fix her, i know i couldnt. All i want is to spend times with her, though i know it will more downs than ups. I am not given up on her, because when we are good i have the best moment of my life with her. Contradicting statements my fellow people-fixer. You are indeed trying to fix her. It's a form of control. I know all of you might think you are just blinded by love, but what love means if its there only in good times? bipolar or not, she still human inside. and i couldnt care less about her disorder, because all i care is her smile in her face. It may sound cliche, but its the truth. I just want her to fight for us, and not given up that easy That might be that YOU don't care about the disorder, that doesn't mean however that it doesn't exist. Just because you ignore it, it won't go away. You can't fix her. OP. May I ask why you think that relationships should be endured? Why is it something that you view as some kind of a battle? What was your parents' marriage like? Did they divorce at one point? Are there any alcoholics/addicts in your family? 1
Author Panda87 Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 Oh goodie! Another codependent :bunny: Contradicting statements my fellow people-fixer. You are indeed trying to fix her. It's a form of control. That might be that YOU don't care about the disorder, that doesn't mean however that it doesn't exist. Just because you ignore it, it won't go away. You can't fix her. OP. May I ask why you think that relationships should be endured? Why is it something that you view as some kind of a battle? What was your parents' marriage like? Did they divorce at one point? Are there any alcoholics/addicts in your family? Hi Emilia, Thanks for your reply. I might say at this point of time, believe me or not all i care is she stays alive. not fixing whatsoever, i know you guys giving me advice might based on your experiences. Appreaciate it alot, but i am coming here to this forum to share my stories hoping someone could give some support on how to stay in this kind of rs and not to leave. My parents are in perfectly healthy rs, no alcoholics or addicts. But they are relationship kinda different compare to mine. I am in gay relationship that always in position to against the world. Aside to downtown, thank you so much for the information. I will read what you suggested, and hopefully something great will come along
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