LegallyBlond Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 So i'm 17 and i've gone through a hell of a lot of ****e in my life and i still am going through it. So one day i went online and posted a question up in relation to my life and lack of hope. I got a response from this guy and it was a really good reply but at the bottom he left his email. So i thought 'hey whats the worst that could happen right?' So i emailed him. We got to talking. He sent me his number so i could text him if i ever needed him. We carried on talking and it wasnt just about help i needed, we'd just be talking about random stuff. And he made me happy. I was going through a time where like i said i had lost hope and now i didnt feel alone because i had him. So we spoke for another 2 months on a daily basis and gradually i've gained these feelings towards him. I've been with guys before but they've abused me physically, emotionally, mentally and sexually. I didn't ever say anything about what i was feeling because i thought it'd pass. One day he text me and the way he said things made me feel like he feels something more for me. So i asked him what he was trying to say and he let it all out about how he was feeling but his issues on it. And i told him the same. Now the issue is, he's older. He's 34. Now to me age is never an issue. I don't care how old he is because no one has ever made me feel this way or understood me, even the guy that had proposed when i was 16. But i'm worried about the future. He is serious and i know how serious we are going to be but i have concerns about things. Things like what will my family say (they've abused me too), will he want sex, is he just taking me along for the ride because i'm young, what about if we were to be serious and eventually get married he would die before me (its far ahead ik but its something i need to think about). I'm not there for his money or anything else thatvpeople say because i'm genuinely not a materialistic or superficial person. I've told him if he wants anything between us, he needs to wait for me to turn 18, which will be in december and he said he would. I'm just worried about it really. Also has anyone else gone out with an older guy like this and how did it go?
PegNosePete Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 That is really weird. A lot of my friends are his age. If one of them were to date a 17 year old I would be like WTF dude. Sure large age differences can work (my parents are 20 years apart) but not when one is so young. He is DOUBLE your age. It's not going to end well. A 34 year old who chases after 17 year olds, that is extremely weird and creepy. 10
Author LegallyBlond Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 I get that but it's not like he's chased me. It wasnt even meant to be this way. The amount of times he's told me to think about whether this is what I really want is crazy. But I know that it's what I want
darkmoon Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 (edited) they find young women to be 100% radiant, it is in the complexion and spirit/personality, a pretty attractive package, and they take it from there, young women are at their best, you are having good conversations, but this is nothing that new, people get on fine a lot of the time he might not want marriage, as he might be divorced or an ex-live-in boyf, 18? is he suggesting love? has he proved he loves you?...contrawise, sorry but, he could even prove to be a bit of a player, he has won radiant you successfully after all...I would not be quite so ready to please him until I saw devotion an older man however could want to be bossy, he might think he is the more knowledgeable and experienced though he might not be more savvy than others of any age, his or younger, you two need to air this, atmo, you are at risk of being the lesser one, a light sexual kick can be found in social dominance I am 60 was pretty so I have been in your shoes, look, the men love a bit of fresh meat, confirmed bachelors hoping to stay young, a young girl makes them feel young in sync Edited January 20, 2014 by darkmoon
Guitarisgood Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 You're letting your emotions cloud your judgement. My view, I'd strongly oppose it. With your life and 18 essentially making you an adult (?). Why not move out somewhere else and start anew? Keep in touch with this bloke and if he is as good as he sounds will understand. Give yourself a few years to explore what is out there rather than jumping into something that may yet again leave you disappointed.
Author LegallyBlond Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 But he isn't the type to tell me what to do and I'm not the type that will listen if he tells me to do something I don't want to. He's constantly telling me how he sees me as an equal and how he's not going to be the type to say 'this is what we need to do'. And truthfully I believe him. I'm not one of those girls that fall for a guys words because I know that pretty much everything they say is complete bs. So I know what he is saying is true.
Bigcitydreamer Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 First of all, the age difference is way too big. Your not listening to everyone when they tell you that no normal 34 year old would try and date an 18 year old. I'm sorry but its true, that's weird and creepy. I'm 25 and know a lot of 17-18 year old through school and they are so so different than me. When I hang out with them it reminds me of how different I am now than I was back then. 18 is still a kid, 34 is a full blown adult. Stop making excuses to justify this to yourself. You know it's weird and you should find the personal strength to walk away from this even if you desire it. 4
Bigcitydreamer Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Oh and second of all, you don't KNOW anything about this man for sure. It takes years to know someone and what they are capable of and what they are like. Women and men are fooled all of the time by dysfunctional people. The statements you make alone show that you are too young to be with a 34 year old and that's not a bad thing because no 17 year old should be with a 34 year old. Ever. 2
Author LegallyBlond Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 See but the thing is with me, I may be 17, but after all the things I've had to go through i'm.not 17. If you were to sit down and have a conversation with me it would sound like I was over 20. I've got friends that are my age but when I go round I sit and talk with their mums and they tell me their lives and we talk more than I do with my friends because they understand me more than their kids. And you say about my youth is fleeting. My youth has gone, I grew up like an adult, I had to grow up fast so I dont really have a youtg still. I'm not one of those typical teenagers that have fun in their free time. In my free time I work my ass off. I've got 2 jobs alongside my education. I've been trying to move out witt my social workers but that hasn't been possible because of some other issue in my life. So what i'm saying is if you were to take my age away, it wouldnt seem like I was a 17 year old.
nerdlingZA Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 (edited) I'm your age but I would never fall for a 30+year old Edited January 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Inflammatory material redacted
PegNosePete Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Are you actually asking a question here or just looking for someone to justify what you're already planning to do? It seems like everyone is telling you it's a bad idea, and you're telling us we're all wrong. Why are you seeking assurance from a group of strangers for a decision that you've clearly already made? 3
Lansing Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 I think you should stay away from this situation... As others said that age gap alone isn't reason for redflags but your age is. If you were over 20 then I wouldn't be as hesitant but I think you really should date some other people, etc. It is easy to feel a connection with someone that is giving your emotional support, I think it is bad news to start seeing him.
panoramicview Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 You say you feel like an adult...well it's time to use some adult judgement. The fact that you have been in several abusive relationships is very disconcerting to me. You are looking towards this man as a safe haven. The issue with that is not only his age, but also the fact that you haven't met him yet. You've only interacted with him via email and text. You don't really know him enough to trust him. A couple months is not enough time. I'm only 22 myself, and I can vouch for the fact that people will tell you exactly what you want to hear in order to get what they want from you. Look back on your past relationships. Did any of them seem or portray to be good guys before the abuse started? Other than the age thing, my concern is that this guy knows you are vulnerable and is in the position to manipulate you. This could potentially land you in the same situation you've been in. Have you been in counseling to deal with the effects of your abuse?
Emilia Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 See but the thing is with me, I may be 17, but after all the things I've had to go through i'm.not 17. If you were to sit down and have a conversation with me it would sound like I was over 20. I've got friends that are my age but when I go round I sit and talk with their mums and they tell me their lives and we talk more than I do with my friends because they understand me more than their kids. And you say about my youth is fleeting. My youth has gone, I grew up like an adult, I had to grow up fast so I dont really have a youtg still. I'm not one of those typical teenagers that have fun in their free time. In my free time I work my ass off. I've got 2 jobs alongside my education. I've been trying to move out witt my social workers but that hasn't been possible because of some other issue in my life. So what i'm saying is if you were to take my age away, it wouldnt seem like I was a 17 year old. You still don't have the life experience and the brain development of an adult 25+ woman. This man knows you are really gullible and will do pretty much anything he wants. This is a reason a much older person goes for someone so young, the young ones are easy to manipulate. He can get away with stuff women his own age would laugh in his face for. 7
saltyfishhead666 Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 So i'm 17 and i've gone through a hell of a lot of ****e in my life and i still am going through it. So one day i went online and posted a question up in relation to my life and lack of hope. I got a response from this guy and it was a really good reply but at the bottom he left his email. So i thought 'hey whats the worst that could happen right?' So i emailed him. We got to talking. He sent me his number so i could text him if i ever needed him. We carried on talking and it wasnt just about help i needed, we'd just be talking about random stuff. And he made me happy. I was going through a time where like i said i had lost hope and now i didnt feel alone because i had him. So we spoke for another 2 months on a daily basis and gradually i've gained these feelings towards him. I've been with guys before but they've abused me physically, emotionally, mentally and sexually. I didn't ever say anything about what i was feeling because i thought it'd pass. One day he text me and the way he said things made me feel like he feels something more for me. So i asked him what he was trying to say and he let it all out about how he was feeling but his issues on it. And i told him the same. Now the issue is, he's older. He's 34. Now to me age is never an issue. I don't care how old he is because no one has ever made me feel this way or understood me, even the guy that had proposed when i was 16. But i'm worried about the future. He is serious and i know how serious we are going to be but i have concerns about things. Things like what will my family say (they've abused me too), will he want sex, is he just taking me along for the ride because i'm young, what about if we were to be serious and eventually get married he would die before me (its far ahead ik but its something i need to think about). I'm not there for his money or anything else thatvpeople say because i'm genuinely not a materialistic or superficial person. I've told him if he wants anything between us, he needs to wait for me to turn 18, which will be in december and he said he would. I'm just worried about it really. Also has anyone else gone out with an older guy like this and how did it go? The issue here is the age difference as it's very dramatic. I usually date older when I was 25 my fiancé then was 40! However I've been married had kids, he's done the same. The issue you have is maybe he doesn't want kids anymore, where as you aren't really emotionally old enough for kids yet, he's had his young days you haven't. You may have been through a lot but unless you are ready to settle I wouldn't be with him. I am not an age basher clearly however at your age that gap is far too wide. People frowned at me and my ex because of our age range and you are barely legal to have sex (in the uk anyway) You may connect on many levels but you will clash as time goes on I promise you that.
veggirl Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 What exactly do you have in common with a guy old enough to be your father? btw having a tough upbringing does NOT mean you are more mature than others your age. In fact, it may very well mean you are emotionally stunted! There's a reason people with hard upbringings are more likely to suffer from disorders such as BPD etc. At the end of the day, 17 is 17 for the most part. Your brain has NOT matured--this is a scientific fact and you can't argue with it. You literally don't have the mental capacity of someone twice your age. It's not a dig, it's a fact. Do you think it's normal for a 34 yr old grown man to date a high schooler? 2
CptSaveAho Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 lol @ all the older women hating.... there's nothing wrong with older guys dating younger women.... period (i throw in 18+) my vote is go for it and have fun (being keyword) and date... its dating, not a long term relationship/marriage most people wont even care in real life, its not their business
MrCastle Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Wrong on your part. Questionable on his part. Gross on both parts.
Lady2163 Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 December is a long way off... Yes, he will want sex...although he might hold off and just "let you give him oral". Have you ever met him? What if he weighs 500 pounds and is bald? Has he done anything materialistical for you yet? Have you 'cost' him anything yet? As I read your post, I think of the payout for him. He hasn't had to date you or woo you, all you've cost him is time. Manipulation and seduction are not always blatantly in your face and they don't always appear negative. Do you know what "grooming" is? He has 10.5 months to mold you into his perfect woman. And it may be ever so subtle. He quite possibly has already made you emotionally dependent upon him. Half his battle is already completed. Maybe even the most important battle. I would encourage you to hone the part of your life without him. Are you planning to go to college? If not, focus on the next chapter of your life, which should be moving out on your own. It is a huge mistake to go from your parents house to his house. You need to experience that first lousy apartment and working two jobs to make it on your own. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 OP, when I was your age I'd been through a lot too (maybe not quite the same extent as it sounds you have, but living through a vicious divorce between two parents that carried on co-habiting with us for five years, siblings being incarcerated, self-harming and feeling suicidal, being bullied) I thought I was so grown up and mature. And I probably was, for my age. But you know what? I'm 25 now and looking back I can't believe how little I knew, how little understanding of the world and other people's intentions I had. Now the thing is, when people say DON'T DATE THIS GUY you are bound to push back, resist. Because yours is the one true love, right? We don't know him like you do, he's amazing, you're strong enough to handle it. And either way, you'll do what you want anyway. You've seen that almost everyone on here has told you it's a terrible idea to pursue so you know popular consensus. So make your own decision. You are old enough to have sex, almost old enough to vote, old enough to work to support yourself. Personally I'd be very VERY wary, a guy in his mid-thirties who wants to date even a 20 year old is a little questionable to me, but SEVENTEEN is still just a baby. You change more each year between 16-24 I think than you do any other years of your life subsequently. You are not now the person you'll be in December, or next year, or the year after. This guy knows that you've barely left high school, you're only just legal for sex, you're too young to even vote, you might have had some tough life experiences but chances are they've left you scarred and vulnerable not streetwise and tough. He's choosing you for a reason, because you are easily manipulated. And I'm sad to say I think he's achieving that already, because you're so vehemently defending it on here. Not one women on here who is older than you has said 'sure, go for it!' just think about that very carefully, and I wish you all the best in whichever path you choose. And to be fair, most of the feelings we have at that age can be rather fleeting. In a month's time you might find the infatuation has worn off and you can't stomach the thought of touching his sixty year old dick when you're in your forties and in your sexual prime. December is a long time away and I commend that you are telling him he needs to wait until then (that's it you stick to it). There's no need to rush and decide right now.
veggirl Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 lol @ all the older women hating.... there's nothing wrong with older guys dating younger women.... period (i throw in 18+) my vote is go for it and have fun (being keyword) and date... its dating, not a long term relationship/marriage most people wont even care in real life, its not their business giving advice isn't "hating". We get it that you think guys should date as young as possible, that's not always a great situation for the young woman involved though and this girl is SEVENTEEN and contemplating getting involved with a man 2x her age. It's not "hating" to tell her that this is likely a HORRIBLE idea. Get over yourself. And f*ck yes most people irl will think it's weird for a dude in his mid 30s to date a high schooler. I mean where do YOU hang out where this is typically acceptable? lol on 2nd thought I don't want to know. 1
CptSaveAho Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 if she was 18... you would still hate on it... the simple fact is shes going to do it no matter what anyone says/posts
Lady2163 Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 I also had a rough childhood and young adulthood. Some of it was my doing, most was not. I didn't even get into victimology. I will tell you, my relationships have been healthier the older I got. I no longer feel the need to discuss my first relationship of when I was 16 and he was 35. I don't discuss much of the abuse or bullying I experienced. My marriage ended 15 years ago and I rarely think to mention it. I even answered, "no" when asked if I'd been married and then realized I had misspoke. It isn't that I've buried these incidents. I've had counseling, I've studied the phenomenon in college, I've read plenty of articles and books on te subject. It's only been in the last 10 years that I quit sending out the "victim vibe". I always hoped I'd find some white knight to protect me and all I got were more user bums with hateful mouths. I would encourage you to be emotionally healthy before you dive into anything. 2
BJP56 Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Its a question of maturity level. Im attracted to a 22 year old and I am 31. I dont have the experience she does with relationships. Even somebody at my age is still learning the ropes.
FitChick Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 This might be okay if you were hillbillies living in the Ozarks. Given your background, you are very vulnerable to more abuse and manipulation because you are desperate for love and approval. You could wind up pregnant and abandoned. Abusive relationships don't start out that way. The men usually appear very "normal." Find someone your own age who is normal. 2
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