New Year!!! Reflecting x

[Helen A]

Sitting here thinking this morning.

 

I'm still running through everything that happened last year in my head it's still all in my head, though not obsessively as before, it's still there.

 

It's still hanging over me and although it is completely over it is still there.

 

When do you move on and let this go?

 

I need to be myself again.

[anne1707]

You could more on far more easily if you actually did NC instead of continuing the friendship and texting.

[Helen A]

I don't text anymore Anne.

 

I don't hardly see him anymore.

 

We don't talk.

 

It's just all there in my head.

 

When do I forget?

[anne1707]

You don't see him at all for a start.

 

You actually do something to work on your marriage.

 

Carrying on as if nothing has happened will achieve nothing.

[Helen A]

My marraige is actually really good at the mo.

 

It's my head... It's in the shed.

 

To make things worse, his wife text me to ask had I left a pair of knickers there when I slept over which I hadn't they weren't mine and now shes rely upset as she's found a pair of knickers and she doesn't know who's they are.

 

Just makes me shiver as I think how easy we could have been caught x

[anne1707]

Yet another example of why you need to end the friendship if you are to move on.

 

What have you done to improve your marriage?

 

What have you done to understand why you had an affair and what are you doing to make sure this does not happen again?

 

Again doing nothing different will achieve nothing.

[Helen A]

I don't know why it happened.

 

I WONT do anything again, nor with anyone else.

 

It's been a funny day today.

[anne1707]

I assume from that response that you have still done nothing at all to figure out why, what you can do differently and how you can really affair proof your marriage.

 

I also assume that you want this thread to drift into yet another "oh how could he have treated me this way" thing about the MOM.

 

You are still exactly where you were when you came to this site 7 months ago.

 

You have done nothing and achieved nothing.

[Lillyfree]

how is your marriage really good if you're still finding it hard to 'let go'?

 

you mean, the surface of it is appearing fine while you're still hollowing it out from within by giving MM headspace and not being honest with your husband.

how long do you think that's going to last?

 

he's obviously got himself a replacement affair, and she's leaving knickers all over his house. can't you summon even a little bit of pride, and get angry that you were played by this loser?

might help you stop pining for him.

[Helen A]

I have been fine for ages - they haven't crossed my mind / or what I did.

 

It's just sometimes it's in my head.

 

I suppose when I get a message like that I'm just so scared that this may come out, although I'm 98% he'd never admit what he's done.

 

I need to forgive myself now this isn't about getting over him - I've parked it all away, its about moving on from it all on my head.

 

I do think I've improved in 7 months I'm no longer in an EA I no longer text the OM.

 

How do you leave what you did in the past without thinking about it?

And I don't mean that as in pining for the OM/ wanting him back, I'm not doing that.

[anne1707]

When was the last time you and he communicated? Have the two of you been in touch in the past month or so? Had a text conversation go on for several hours?

 

Also your affair was not just an EA, it was a PA too.

 

You need to take real action to get past this but to date you have done nothing.

 

You need to:

• go 100% no contact
  
• seek IC to understand why you did this and to learn/change
  
• work on your marriage (and I know you do not plan to be honest and disclose but you cannot just pretend everything is fine by not doing anything differently)
  
• start taking responsibility for your actions. You did this. Not the MOM.
  
• start posting in the Infidelity forum and focus on your future/marriage instead of the MOM.
  

[Helen A]

I'm going to be honest, I've deleted his phone number deleted social media and it's been almost another month then NC when he just asks me about how Christmas was and stuff...

 

I'm now back thinking / etc etc....

 

I need to get over this what's wrong with me?!

[Owl]

I'm going to be honest, I've deleted his phone number deleted social media and it's been almost another month then NC when he just asks me about how Christmas was and stuff...

 

I'm now back thinking / etc etc....

 

I need to get over this what's wrong with me?!

 

You're still in contact with him, but you think that it doesn't matter. (If you only deleted his number since sometime after Christmas, but didn't tell him to stop talking to you...it's still going to be contact)

 

You've done nothing to change the situation, but you think that it all should be better.

 

You've taken no action to even the playing field between you and your husband by being honest with him, but you think that doesn't matter.

 

What's wrong with you? You expect everything to be great, without ever actually doing anything to truly make change happen.

 

Oh...have you given any thought to where those panties may have come from...and what that might mean for your (and your husband's) health?

[Helen A]

Owl, even though he's hurt me I still don't want to make it into a big issue I feel as though I have to go on and be friends as normal.

 

But how can I?

He doesn't and we don't want to take this further why contact me?

 

No I haven't thought about that my friend doesn't think that he would cheat she told me ????

[Owl]

Owl, even though he's hurt me I still don't want to make it into a big issue I feel as though I have to go on and be friends as normal.

 

But how can I?

He doesn't and we don't want to take this further why contact me?

 

No I haven't thought about that my friend doesn't think that he would cheat she told me ????

 

LOL...your friend doesn't think he'd cheat, so there was no reason to think that perhaps those came from another person he'd cheated with????

 

Betsy, come on.

 

As far as making a big deal of it...Betsy,I don't care about his side of things. It IS a big deal, because YOU CHEATED ON YOUR HUSBAND WITH THIS GUY.

 

And yet, you won't tell your H, you still let your H go on being friends not knowing the full truth.

 

Please...really?

 

Not that big of deal?

 

Tell your husband the truth. End your interactions with this couple, and fix your marriage.

 

You can't get advice put into any more simple terms than that. I know you get it.

 

Yet you still keep coming back here...not doing it.

 

What's the point?

[Helen A]

Would you really advise telling?

 

What good would that do?

 

I don't know if I said before we have a 4 year old - I'm not splitting up my family or my friends family with a 4 and 8 yr old.

 

What I'm coming here to ask for is advice on how to forgive myself, move on completely and just.... Let It Go.

 

You may not agree with me Owl, but, any thoughts on that?

[anne1707]

You keep asking the same question. You keep getting the same answers. How about you start listening to those answers and DO something.

 

Go 100% no contact

 

End the friendship completely

 

Get IC

 

Get MC

 

Own what you have done

 

Learn and work on yourself

 

Learn and work on your marriage

 

Stop putting your head in the sand

[Helen A]

I know I'm asking the same question.

 

I'm finding it hard. Why?

 

I was thinking today and there hasn't been a full

30 days or more ( enough time to clear your head or so I've read) in which we haven't txt/ tweet/ whatever.

 

There is going to be this year. I will not feel bad for not answering.

 

I will start to bloody move on I'm boring every one to death I'm sorry

[anne1707]

Are you actually going to try any of the things you have been told repeatedly will help you get through this?

[Helen A]

Yes I'm going NC. For as long as I can manage.

 

Yes I'm working on myself, what the hell is wrong with me?

 

And yes I'm going to work on my marriage.

[Owl]

Would you really advise telling?

 

Haven't I done so for the last year? What makes you think that my advice would have changed?

 

What good would that do?

 

I believe that I've covered this ad nauseum over the last year as well. It forces you to address the reasons that you had the affair. It sets the stage for true "NO CONTACT" between you and OM. It will likely enlist the aid of both your H, and your friend (OM's wife) to ensure that contact does not resume. It gives the chance to rebuild your marriage on true honesty...or it at least gives your husband the choice on whether or not he wants to remain married or reconcile with you with FULL KNOWLEDGE of the situation.

 

Get the picture?

 

I don't know if I said before we have a 4 year old - I'm not splitting up my family or my friends family with a 4 and 8 yr old.

 

Probably should have thought about that before you had an affair. Simply doing what you did created that risk. Telling your husband is just setting the stage to heal your family and your marriage...continuing to hide it is absolutely no garauntee that your marriage won't split.

 

What I'm coming here to ask for is advice on how to forgive myself, move on completely and just.... Let It Go.

 

You've received that advice so many times I couldn't possibly count it. The problem is...you keep NOT TAKING that advice, and coming back over and over hoping to hear something different, rather than take the advice you've been given.

 

If you want to forgive yourself, you must first seek forgiveness from those you've wronged. They can't forgive you if you continue to hide it from them.

 

Don't tell them=no forgiveness...from them, or for yourself.

 

Get it?

 

You may not agree with me Owl, but, any thoughts on that?

 

You've refused every bit of advice everyone's ever given you here so far...

[anne1707]

Are you going to do IC? MC?

[Helen A]

Why would I tell and ruin everyone's lives?

 

Can I just explain , although no excuses, I'm 35 years old been with my hubby since I was 18.

 

This is ONE mistake which is now OVER.

 

I'm having a hard time dealing with it / my feelings .

 

I don't think I need to mess up my life completely but thankyou for your advice and believe it or not I have taken on board some of it, reading books, the forums here have helped me a lot.

[Helen A]

Anne I'll be honest and say no I'm not going to be having counselling.

 

Do people think I'm that bad really?

[Owl]

Yes I'm going NC. For as long as I can manage.

 

How...SPECIFICALLY...are you doing that? Have you told him to stop contacting you? Have you told his wife that you'll no longer visit with them? Have you told your H that you'll no longer visit with them?

 

How do YOU propose to successfully go NC when you can't even tell anyone that you're not going to see him anymore, nor can you tell them why??????????

 

Yes I'm working on myself, what the hell is wrong with me?

 

What, SPECIFICALLY, are you doing to figure this out and address it? What actual activity are you doing to address this? Counseling, both marriage and individual?

 

Or are you thinking that posting here will resolve that? I can't see how, since you refute everything you hear here anyway.

 

What, SPECIFICALLY, are you doing to figure this out and resolve it?

 

And yes I'm going to work on my marriage.

 

How? You can't do a damn thing to fix the problem unless you can TALK about the problem. Your husband won't understand what you're doing or why (IF, theoretically you were actually doing anything) because you won't give him the chance to understand.

 

What do you think you can truly do to fix anything if you try to rebuild the whole thing on a LIE??? How do you think you'll be successfully in changing anything when you're missing the basic concept...that honesty is the only way it'll work?

 

Nothing will change, because you'll change nothing.

 

You think you can do this all on your own...and refuse to accept any advice at all that you don't like.