PLEASE help me interpret what happened.

January 20, 2014

This will be a long-ish post. Please bear with me and read through it if you can.

One week ago, I had a fantastic 12 hour date with a guy from match.com. He clearly did not want the date to end nor for me to leave so he kept on prolonging it, asking me to stay or go some place else with him. I felt the same way so we continued the date. We had a real and genuine connection, discussing serious topics such as marriage, raising children, books, our life views etc. I told him that I am honest and transparent, that I am not here to play games or to waste anyone's time. "When I commit, I commit."

Halfway through this long date, he had already made up his mind and said, "I want to see you again." We ended up back at his place and talked some more. We ended up making out and fooling around for a bit. However, I told him I did not want to have sex and he respected that boundary. He asked me to sleep over which I did. He did not try to force himself on me.

I left early in the morning. He texted an hour later and I asked him what he wanted. He told me, "I want to meet someone to develop a relationship with, with an eye towards marriage" as well as "I'm 30 and I wanted to get married." Now mind you I realize that he could have been bull****ting me and just trying to get in my pants. However, everything he said during the date seemed to align with and reflect these statements.

After he said this, I told him the next day, "Because as we've talked about before, I don't want to waste anyone's time. I don't think I'm the person you're looking for." He asked why and I said, "I think we're on different timelines." He replied, "Oh you don't want to get married?" I responded, "In how long? I'm only 23." He said, "In a year or two." I said that I wasn't sure yet because I hadn't lived enough life to know what I want. He replied, "But you promised to see me again." I responded, "I definitely will and would very much like to. But you should know upfront what my situation and mentality is. It's only fair." Finally he said, "I understand. I think you'll love me in the end" (which was kind of endearing and cute lol).

The following Tuesday he texted to ask me out again and we agreed on Sunday since he was leaving for Vegas for the week, back on Friday night. He texted to check in again on Friday and we had light conversation.

Now here's where it gets weird. I texted him Saturday morning an article that related to a conversation we had had during the date. He responded and we had some banter back and forth. Then I asked him, "Are we definitely on for tomorrow? Just let me know for sure so I can make other plans if necessary." (I asked because sometimes things come up that we can't foresee.) No response. An hour later I asked, "...Or not?" No response for the rest of the day as well as into Sunday.

Now I am an understanding person. We are all busy. We aren't glued to our phones constantly. Life, work, friends, spontaneous **** gets in the way. It happens. I've read texts and not answered them asap as well. I am fully aware of that.

But, at the same time, it's 2014 and I know you've read my text. It takes 2 minutes, if not 1, to respond "yes or no." Perhaps not for the rest of the day but the next day when you're supposed to have a date?!? It's not difficult, especially if it's someone you're supposedly interested in. Plus, it's not as if I texted him asking, "How was your day?" or "What are you doing now?" I wasn't asking to have some long indepth convo over text... I texted to CONFIRM a date the NEXT DAY that we had preplanned Tuesday.

However, he didn't text even a full 24 hours later at which point I texted him: "You know all week I was really looking forward to seeing you today... I'm not exactly sure what happened. Maybe I said or did something wrong. It is what it is. But I wish you could tell me straight up though that your feelings have changed. I cant say I'm not disappointed but I'm glad to have met you anyway." I can't get angry at someone when we've had one date. We're still strangers in a sense.

He texted me back four hours later, "Is it really over?" I told him, "You made it pretty clear. I mean is there a reason you didn't text back? Only takes 2 minutes to say yes or no."

No response.

Now I get that I probably assumed too much and jumped to a conclusion, evidenced by his surprise perhaps, but honestly... I feel like "he's just not that into me." Or he's playing a game to reel me in and keep me interested even after I told him I don't waste time. I'm also pretty sure he didn't expect me to cut it off like that. In the end, I'm just confused because, to be honest, he came onto me SO STRONG, he decided to pursue me despite knowing how I felt about marriage.

Any illuminating thoughts about this situation? What could I have done differently? Is he playing a game?

Edited January 20, 2014 by reveriesxx

January 20, 2014

My gosh that's terrible,talk about a complete u-turn,I can't understand this at all,looks like he just changed his mind for reasons unknown,best and only thing to do is leave it alone completely and see if he comes back ,but would you really want him back when he's been So careless with your feelings.

That's really dissapointing.

January 20, 2014

This will be a long-ish post. Please bear with me and read through it if you can.

One week ago, I had a fantastic 12 hour date with a guy from match.com. He clearly did not want the date to end nor for me to leave so he kept on prolonging it, asking me to stay or go some place else with him. I felt the same way so we continued the date. We had a real and genuine connection, discussing serious topics such as marriage, raising children, books, our life views etc. I told him that I am honest and transparent, that I am not here to play games or to waste anyone's time. "When I commit, I commit."

Halfway through this long date, he had already made up his mind and said, "I want to see you again." We ended up back at his place and talked some more. We ended up making out and fooling around for a bit. However, I told him I did not want to have sex and he respected that boundary. He asked me to sleep over which I did. He did not try to force himself on me.

I left early in the morning. He texted an hour later and I asked him what he wanted. He told me, "I want to meet someone to develop a relationship with, with an eye towards marriage" as well as "I'm 30 and I wanted to get married." Now mind you I realize that he could have been bull****ting me and just trying to get in my pants. However, everything he said during the date seemed to align with and reflect these statements.

After he said this, I told him the next day, "Because as we've talked about before, I don't want to waste anyone's time. I don't think I'm the person you're looking for." He asked why and I said, "I think we're on different timelines." He replied, "Oh you don't want to get married?" I responded, "In how long? I'm only 23." He said, "In a year or two." I said that I wasn't sure yet because I hadn't lived enough life to know what I want. He replied, "But you promised to see me again." I responded, "I definitely will and would very much like to. But you should know upfront what my situation and mentality is. It's only fair." Finally he said, "I understand. I think you'll love me in the end" (which was kind of endearing and cute lol).

The following Tuesday he texted to ask me out again and we agreed on Sunday since he was leaving for Vegas for the week, back on Friday night. He texted to check in again on Friday and we had light conversation.

Now here's where it gets weird. I texted him Saturday morning an article that related to a conversation we had had during the date. He responded and we had some banter back and forth. Then I asked him, "Are we definitely on for tomorrow? Just let me know for sure so I can make other plans if necessary." (I asked because sometimes things come up that we can't foresee.) No response. An hour later I asked, "...Or not?" No response for the rest of the day as well as into Sunday.

Now I am an understanding person. We are all busy. We aren't glued to our phones constantly. Life, work, friends, spontaneous **** gets in the way. It happens. I've read texts and not answered them asap as well. I am fully aware of that.

But, at the same time, it's 2014 and I know you've read my text. It takes 2 minutes, if not 1, to respond "yes or no." Perhaps not for the rest of the day but the next day when you're supposed to have a date?!? It's not difficult, especially if it's someone you're supposedly interested in. Plus, it's not as if I texted him asking, "How was your day?" or "What are you doing now?" I wasn't asking to have some long indepth convo over text... I texted to CONFIRM a date the NEXT DAY that we had preplanned Tuesday.

However, he didn't text even a full 24 hours later at which point I texted him: "You know all week I was really looking forward to seeing you today... I'm not exactly sure what happened. Maybe I said or did something wrong. It is what it is. But I wish you could tell me straight up though that your feelings have changed. I cant say I'm not disappointed but I'm glad to have met you anyway." I can't get angry at someone when we've had one date. We're still strangers in a sense.

He texted me back four hours later, "Is it really over?" I told him, "You made it pretty clear. I mean is there a reason you didn't text back? Only takes 2 minutes to say yes or no."

No response.

Now I get that I probably assumed too much and jumped to a conclusion, evidenced by his surprise perhaps, but honestly... I feel like "he's just not that into me." Or he's playing a game to reel me in and keep me interested even after I told him I don't waste time. I'm also pretty sure he didn't expect me to cut it off like that. In the end, I'm just confused because, to be honest, he came onto me SO STRONG, he decided to pursue me despite knowing how I felt about marriage.

Any illuminating thoughts about this situation? What could I have done differently? Is he playing a game?

since you told him this ^^

he had time to think it over

and took you at your word

not sure why you're surprised...

January 20, 2014

since you told him this ^^
he had time to think it over
and took you at your word

not sure why you're surprised...

Exactly this....you told him you're not what he's looking for.

It's kind of like "hey, you'll never get anywhere with me even though I know you want something serious BUT why dont we spend more time together"

He'd be crazy to continue with you.

January 20, 2014

Exactly this....you told him you're not what he's looking for.

It's kind of like "hey, you'll never get anywhere with me even though I know you want something serious BUT why dont we spend more time together"

He'd be crazy to continue with you.

I understand what you're saying but why ask "Is it really over?" That makes no sense to me. A question like that seems to posit disbelief, shock, and surprise... Which doesn't make sense if he already decided that he no longer wanted to continue pursuing me.

Could you please shed some light on that ending, bizarre question? If he truly changed his mind, why bother to text me back?

January 20, 2014

OK, girl, I registered just to answer your questions. I feel bad that it ended this way (or maybe it is not the end yet). I'm older than you are, but I could see myself in you. I was in your shoes a lot of times. Now I learnt my lesson and changed.

Since you are pretty young, the way you interacted with a man is quite understandable. and it is the best thing to see you are nothing manipulative. But for girls like us, treating men too seriously and too meticulously would hurt us most.

Like you mentioned, a lot of unforeseen things might happen, he might not be in the mood to reply your text that day, even there might be something wrong with his phone (quite unlikely though). The thing is you have to relax, don't give him the feeling that you are the one who REALLY wants the date soooo bad. It is just not the attractive thing in men's eye. Given the texts you sent him to confirm the date, you certainly exposed everything going through your mind. You give him an edge to stay calm and play cool, as he did. He is probably not the best guy who takes his own words too seriously, but you know, it is love game, who is more anxious, who loses first.

Also, I wouldn't send him a text telling him it is over simply because he failed to confirm the date. You can have figured out something about this person, but showing him immediately you are so disappointed and mad exactly tells him how much you value the thing between him and you. I would wait and never contact him after getting zero response over the weekend. I think this guy would jump out again in probably a week or so to say hi and pretend it never happened. Some guys are like that. They probably want to see how much you value the time being with them.

It sucks. I know. But if you like him, you need to know his pace. I strongly recommend that you don't ever rely on one particular guy for a date, you better have some back out guys and plans. So you won't take everything too seriously. He is much older than you are, you certainly should be the one who enjoys all the chasing and the panic you cause in him.

Remember, what I said are all based on my previous mistakes and misery, that's why I can relate. lol

January 20, 2014

You know what? I feel like he's just a player and even though he says he's ready to get married, he's working a whole lot of women at the same time. I feel he just found someone else he wanted to go out with that night. He was inconsiderate. It's not too much to expect someone to confirm a date. Jeez.

January 21, 2014

I'm not sure exactly what happened in the timeline. Was he gone all week? or was he leaving for Vegas the next Monday?

Also, texting is not as easy as you say if the person is actually busy, or just doesn't have anything interesting to write. I feel that texting is often forced upon people who just can't think of anything interesting to write back, or they expect immediate responses when they are doing things like watching a movie, eating, jogging, or spending time with friends/family.

If it was "important and an emergency" just give the Guy a call. I don't know your age, but if you are just communicating by text, then its a retarded form of communication - you are not always getting the full story across.

Also, I don't know what "article" you sent him - but it might have been "stage 5 clinger" marriage-stalker material. Guys don't want to receive dating advice links from "Cosmo" in e-mails. Its lame, desparate, and needy.

Honestly, even though you "want to get married" - it doesn't mean you have to glom onto every 30 year old guy who says he wants to settle down. Be and Independent, Strong, Successful woman who is happy being Independent, Strong, and Successful.

No one is looking for a needy, desperate, loser fix-up.

People who are confident/successful want to get married to other confident/successful women.

Its fine to talk about marriage - but its also more important to date for at least a month before you bring up the marriage talk, and find out if you have compatible hobbies and lifestyles. Unless you are both the same religion and the church is forcing your marriage (then that may be quicker).

January 21, 2014

I understand what you're saying but why ask "Is it really over?" That makes no sense to me. A question like that seems to posit disbelief, shock, and surprise... Which doesn't make sense if he already decided that he no longer wanted to continue pursuing me.

Could you please shed some light on that ending, bizarre question? If he truly changed his mind, why bother to text me back?

Woops, I misread your story. Okay, you told him you weren't ready for marriage (but wouldn't mind casual short term dating). Listen, every guy likes casual short term hookups, so he wants to keep the door open because you said you wanted "a casual relationship."

But honestly, in his mind, you are a "younger, immature girl who doesn't want marriage yet" and he thinks you are flaky, and is not going to pursue a serious relationship with you (since he is intent on finding a wife).

January 21, 2014

It's really tough to know exactly what his story is. I can agree with some of the comments other posters have made - maybe he's a player, maybe you were too quick to dismiss him (I've done that...) maybe it was something completely different. You can ask 100 different people why he did what he did & get 100 different theories, but everyone will just be guessing.

We like to understand situations like this but sometimes we just have to shake our head, evaluate ourselves & whether we might do things differently if we had a do-over, and move on.

January 21, 2014

You met him online so I'm assuming he's at least five years older than you. IMO he's a player and his "game" is to sell younger woman "hopes and dreams" and it backfired on him because you aren't looking for marriage right now and didn't fall for his crap and sleep with him on the first date. He's only looking for a hookup so who cares why he flaked? If he was so hell bent on marriage why did he try to sleep with you the first night?

January 21, 2014

Uh, what was the article you sent??

If it wasn't that, then it sounds like he was just a player and/or found a more interesting woman online (probably to use...) It's online dating, gotta move on.

January 21, 2014

I'm not sure exactly what happened in the timeline. Was he gone all week? or was he leaving for Vegas the next Monday?

Also, texting is not as easy as you say if the person is actually busy, or just doesn't have anything interesting to write. I feel that texting is often forced upon people who just can't think of anything interesting to write back, or they expect immediate responses when they are doing things like watching a movie, eating, jogging, or spending time with friends/family.

If it was "important and an emergency" just give the Guy a call. I don't know your age, but if you are just communicating by text, then its a retarded form of communication - you are not always getting the full story across.

Also, I don't know what "article" you sent him - but it might have been "stage 5 clinger" marriage-stalker material. Guys don't want to receive dating advice links from "Cosmo" in e-mails. Its lame, desparate, and needy.

Honestly, even though you "want to get married" - it doesn't mean you have to glom onto every 30 year old guy who says he wants to settle down. Be and Independent, Strong, Successful woman who is happy being Independent, Strong, and Successful.

No one is looking for a needy, desperate, loser fix-up.

People who are confident/successful want to get married to other confident/successful women.

Its fine to talk about marriage - but its also more important to date for at least a month before you bring up the marriage talk, and find out if you have compatible hobbies and lifestyles. Unless you are both the same religion and the church is forcing your marriage (then that may be quicker).

Umm... talk about being quick to assume. HE was the one who brought up marriage and children during the date. The link I sent him was a TEDtalk by Amy Cuddy relevant to a discussion we had on our date. I have no idea why you think it was a "Cosmo" article.

It's amusing that you quickly assumed that I was not a confident and successful person.... I didn't glom onto him. He glommed onto me because of his fast trajectory he wanted towards marriage. Could you please actually carefully read what I wrote? I'm not the one who said I "wanted to get married." HE DID. Your reading skills are terribly lacking.

Edited January 21, 2014 by reveriesxx

January 21, 2014

Oh sorry nevermind. Read your second post.

Edited January 21, 2014 by reveriesxx

January 21, 2014

reveriesxx,

As I read your post, I grinned from cheek to cheek. Classic player talk. Classic future-talk to grab hold of the unsuspecting girl. None of it sounded genuine, but you sure started to or even did believe it. All on the single date with a TOTAL stranger.

BTW, I'm a guy. You need to move on. He was probably planning or involved in another date with another woman when you texted. He was likely planning something with his "better" option.

His speed was not of wanting a relationship, it was to create an illusion that so many women are gullible to accept. He was hooking you with ideas that you want. He wasn't being clingy, simply creating the web to capture you.

Imagine, after all that talk of marriage, etc. he can't even respond to you via text. Something that take SECONDS to do. A sudden change in communication practice??? Yes, b/c you are not his priority. Not for a LT relationship,that is.

Edited January 21, 2014 by soccerrprp

January 21, 2014

Sounds like a player. Talking about committing and marriage in the first date. Trying to keep the date going, getting you to his place, getting you to stay over. Consider all this a learning experience and move along.

January 22, 2014

Sounds like a player. Talking about committing and marriage in the first date. Trying to keep the date going, getting you to his place, getting you to stay over. Consider all this a learning experience and move along.

Nah, she told him she wasn't ready for anything serious or Marriage.

He wants marriage, so why is she acting like a "girlfriend" and trying to make plans.

He wants a girl who is ready for marriage, and she should just let him go.

January 22, 2014

Nah, she told him she wasn't ready for anything serious or Marriage.

He wants marriage, so why is she acting like a "girlfriend" and trying to make plans.

He wants a girl who is ready for marriage, and she should just let him go.

You believe this guy was ready for marriage???? Lmao!

If we take the OP's account as being accurate, no way this guy was looking for, in all seriousness, marriage. I don't buy it at all. Even after being told that she was not interested in getting married anytime soon and that the two were on different timelines, he texted 2x and asked her out again. He was still interested. He makes this cheeky comment about how she will love him in the end....ugh. Such an act. He was trying to coax her into something else and it had nothing to do with marriage.

Saturday, the day before the next date, he suddenly doesn't respond. Hmmmm, I'm betting he found someone else easier maybe???

January 22, 2014

You believe this guy was ready for marriage???? Lmao!

If we take the OP's account as being accurate, no way this guy was looking for, in all seriousness, marriage. I don't buy it at all. Even after being told that she was not interested in getting married anytime soon and that the two were on different timelines, he texted 2x and asked her out again. He was still interested. He makes this cheeky comment about how she will love him in the end....ugh. Such an act. He was trying to coax her into something else and it had nothing to do with marriage.

Saturday, the day before the next date, he suddenly doesn't respond. Hmmmm, I'm betting he found someone else easier maybe???

I agree. No real marriage-minded guy would ever bring up marriage on the first date. It he does, he is not serious about it for sure.

January 22, 2014

You ended up at his place after your first date?

Not to be harsh but you are not exactly what many men would value as marriage material. Some will say anything to you because you are not a keeper.

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PLEASE help me interpret what happened.

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