Author stormywind Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by Owl Hmmmm....least you didn't run into anyone who was "Silence of the Lambs" kinda scary!! LOL Seriously...give it time. Sounds like you've not had horrible experiences...just ran into people who weren't the quite what you want/need. Be afraid if NO ONE comes close...then you know you're in trouble!! LOL I really do hope the best for you tho...someone who can fit the bill, and is available and can be ALL YOURS!! Good luck to you! Trust me---I've had horrible experiences too. Just gave me two recent ones is all. Met a guy five years ago-- a CEO. We dated for about six months. I didn't realize he was just using me. One night after having sex, his phone rang and he didn't want to answer it. When I asked him why he said "None of your business." I started to wonder if he had someone else and asked him and he acted like I was a bother and said "no". We went to bed that night and I asked him if he was LOOKING for someone. He wouldn't answer me and told me to just go to sleep. I tried to talk to him some more which made him annoyed. I started to get up to get my things telling him that I guess that answered my question. I started to get emotional (sniffling) but didn't cry. That annoyed him even more as I was keeping him from sleeping so he got up and told me to leave. It was 2 am and it was pouring down raining so hard you could hardly see while driving--and I had a long drive home. He didn't even call to see if I got home--or even the next day. Can you see why the MM doesn't seem so bad?
Author stormywind Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by Barby Isn't this the same MM that you've been posting about since back in October being "hot and cold" ??!! You were given excellent suggestions about not getting involved in the first place to avoid this heartache, and here you are again.....if you won't chose to do anything about avoiding the pain, then why keep whining about it?? It doesn't make any sense, what is so great about this one particular guy that makes you continuiously pursue him even though you KNOW he's married and honestly doesn't really sound that into you? Barby, if my talking about my situation bothers you so much, there are plenty of other threads you can visit. Thanks. I've made note of this to the moderators.
Owl Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by stormywind Can you see why the MM doesn't seem so bad? Really? No. He sounds just like the guy you just desribed. Self-centered...willing to totally ignore what others around him want/need unless it helps him get what he wants. And realize I don't know your MM...and like we've discussed in another ongoing thread, there are all kinds of reasons why he might be cheating on his wife. But...I don't see any of those as true REASONS....just EXCUSES. Even in my wife's case...while the depression contributed to what happened....she still made the CHOICE to go outside of the marriage. And of course I'm a lot more willing to see my wife in a better light than your MM...I love her!! Still...wish you luck in getting over him and finding someone better!
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Trust me---I've had horrible experiences too. Just gave me two recent ones is all. Met a guy five years ago-- a CEO. We dated for about six months. I didn't realize he was just using me. One night after having sex, his phone rang and he didn't want to answer it. When I asked him why he said "None of your business." I started to wonder if he had someone else and asked him and he acted like I was a bother and said "no". We went to bed that night and I asked him if he was LOOKING for someone. He wouldn't answer me and told me to just go to sleep. I tried to talk to him some more which made him annoyed. I started to get up to get my things telling him that I guess that answered my question. I started to get emotional (sniffling) but didn't cry. That annoyed him even more as I was keeping him from sleeping so he got up and told me to leave. It was 2 am and it was pouring down raining so hard you could hardly see while driving--and I had a long drive home. He didn't even call to see if I got home--or even the next day. That guy just sounds like a complete a-hole and made you feel bad. Thing is no matter how much you polish a turd, it's still a turd. Married or not.
Barby Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Barby, if my talking about my situation bothers you so much, there are plenty of other threads you can visit. Thanks. I've made note of this to the moderators. Hahahaha! Made a Note to the MODS about what? I didn't bash you, be rude to you (except saying the whining thing) I gave you advice for YOUR SITUATION, I followed the guidelines...what's wrong do you not like to hear from someone who doesn't think you're doing something good? I think (well thought) you deserved better but I guess you are getting EXACTLY what you DESERVE aren't ya sweety? Keep up this situation, keep feeling this way, it's okay! As long as you feel you're only worth someone's half as$ attention and not even respect then play on playa!
Author stormywind Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup That guy just sounds like a complete a-hole and made you feel bad. Thing is no matter how much you polish a turd, it's still a turd. Married or not. He was but I was really stupid then and didn't walk away. And after he broke up with me, three months later he came back and stupid me took him, but he only used me till he found the one who he wanted to marry.
hotgurl Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 I think it would help if you expanded your social circle not drinking but doing other things. Join a club there are tons. I have friends in book clubs, hiking clubs, cooking clubs. anything just stop looking in bars and personals. If you get a hobby and get out of the house you might meet more quality men. Also I would ask yourself why you are willing to put up with this kind of treatment from men. It seems like a pattern. Why do you have to have a guy? once you stop looking they come to you. Build a fun happy life with out a man and you'll find one then. What do you do beside work?
Author stormywind Posted January 14, 2005 Author Posted January 14, 2005 Originally posted by hotgurl I think it would help if you expanded your social circle not drinking but doing other things. Join a club there are tons. I have friends in book clubs, hiking clubs, cooking clubs. anything just stop looking in bars and personals. If you get a hobby and get out of the house you might meet more quality men. Also I would ask yourself why you are willing to put up with this kind of treatment from men. It seems like a pattern. Why do you have to have a guy? once you stop looking they come to you. Build a fun happy life with out a man and you'll find one then. What do you do beside work? No, I go long periods of time without someone. It just seems like when I click with someone or am attracted to them, they don't end up the types that treat me that great. Maybe I just rub people the wrong way and bring out the worst in them.
Author stormywind Posted January 14, 2005 Author Posted January 14, 2005 I talked to him yesterday for a few minutes. I told him how it was stupid to be upset about what that girl said and how we're only talking to each other at work. He said he totally agreed. I told him I'd talk to him more on Friday. I talked to him today but he had already left work. He said he was out of town next week and I asked him if he could talk while out of town and he said to let's not talk next week. He then hurried me off the phone--said he had a meeting. I left him a voicemail saying I wanted to talk to him face to face. He called and now he doesn't think we should see each other for awhile. He says his marriage counselor said how he can't have friendships with women, etc.... Then he told me that he had to go. I guess he just discarded me. Seems to be easy for people to do.
Leaf Posted January 15, 2005 Posted January 15, 2005 I am so sorry you are going through this. *Hugs*
Author stormywind Posted January 15, 2005 Author Posted January 15, 2005 Thanks Leaf. I guess I was sucked in because I don't usually click this well with someone. That's why I at least wanted to keep him as a friend. I rewrote what happened today so maybe this will sound clearer than what I wrote earlier. Hope so: I thought we resolved things yesterday. We talked and I mentioned how what that girl said in the other office didn’t matter since we’re just friends talking to each other at work. He said he totally agreed and what she said didn't matter and how we can talk to each other as friends and there's nothign wrong with that. I told him I'd talk to him more Friday if he was in. I left a message today but he didn't call back. I called later and talked to him. After a short discussion, when I asked if he could talk next week when he’s out of town, he said let’s not talk next week and how he doesn’t have time to talk much (ever) because he’s so busy. Then he brushed me off the phone saying he had a meeting to go to. I left him a voicemail saying that I wanted to talk to him in person. He called back right away (saying the meeting was postponed). He said that the marriage counselor said that he should just concentrate on their marriage so maybe we shouldn’t talk for at least the next few months so he could see how it goes. (SUDDENLY he's being virtuous again!) Then he mentioned how we're both Christians and how we know what happened two weeks ago (him coming over) is wrong. I guess it didn't matter that he just told me yesterday that us being friends was ok and we could still talk and visit at work). I said that I thought he was a friend I could talk to and he just said “sorry”. I asked him how he could be like that after everything I’d gone through lately (I had a very bad year) and he just said “sorry”. I said I wanted to talk in person and he said it’d have to wait till he got back (he's out all next week). Then he brushed me off the phone again saying he had to go. I left him a voicemail saying that he’s not a nice person, that he doesn’t care who he hurts, that he hurt me and doesn’t care and that I guess I was just a body to use. (we didn’t sleep together but he made enough moves on me a few weeks ago. He didn't respond. Regarding him coming over two weeks ago: What I figured out later was that he was hoping that *I* made advances at HIM. He “joked” to me that day he was over that he wished I’d rape him so that he didn’t have to feel guilty. I realized later that this is why he brought over the wine---hoping to get me drunk enough to make advances on him. (which I didn’t). Even though we technically didn't sleep together, I just feel used and discarded by someone I thought was (at least) a friend.
immoralist Posted January 15, 2005 Posted January 15, 2005 Not all MM rush head first into affairs. Similarly, not all MM resist the temptation of an affair. Many MM occupy that middle ground--especially at the fast changing start up period. They're ambivalent, mercurial and guarded. One minute he's holding his OW's hand, and the next moment the MM is telling his OW-to-be to disappear. Affairs are very complicating to one's life and complicated. The MM must balance the needs of two intimate partners. This is an expensive juggling act in terms of money, stress and great expenditure of psychological and physical resources. Your MM talked the talk but when push came to shove he elected not to walk the walk. Was this restraint for moral reasons? I doubt it. He weighed the modest benefits of an affair against the high costs and rationally concluded that it wasn't worth it. Sometimes people, even the dreaded MM, do the "right" thing for selfish reasons.
Author stormywind Posted January 15, 2005 Author Posted January 15, 2005 Immoralist: Yeah, I think he's probably doing it over what he'll lose in a divorce--not necessarily out of love of his wife. I'm not sure. I guess I thought he cared about me---at least as a friend and he sure made me feel like I didn't---that I was worthless. I just can't believe how he changes from day to day. I know part is his situation but I think that part might possibly be a drinking problem. Hard to say for sure. Well I've never emailed him but I did tonight and told him that I wanted to meet ---possibly Mon.---to discuss things. I made the email very general so it doesn't at all indicate what I want to discuss ----nothing at all personal was mentioned and I made it sound businesslike. Earlier today, he had told me that I'd have to wait till he gets back into town (a week from Monday) but Mon. is a holiday (where we work) and I don't think he's going out of town till Tues. I want to look him in the eye and ask him why he recently said things to me that weren't true---that he'd never get all distant again, that he'd never lie to me, etc..... In fact, when talking to him today, I realized that I HAVE caught him in lies---although small ones. For instance, when I asked him if I could talk to him while he's out of town since he'd have his cell phone with him, he said that he doesn't usually use it while out of town. Total BS. There have been other instances like this as well over the course of things. I hate liars and I guess I want to see if I really read someone wrong or not. Things like this make you not trust your own judgement anymore, you know?
SoleMate Posted January 15, 2005 Posted January 15, 2005 In their 40's you can't suddenly make them affectionate, successful or well-groomed. Did I say "suddenly"? Lots of those spiffed-up, attractive MM were actually once shambling, half-human louts who fell in love with a woman who cared enough to help them develop new skills and new behaviors...to please her! This is an old story, but the fact is, if a couple is in love, typically the man will want to please the woman and he CAN learn new behaviors. No, you can't fundamentally change someone's character, and that should never even be attempted. But if a man loves you, you can help him learn new behaviors, over time, that help him meet your needs better. Affection, in men, is a learned behavior. It does not come naturally to many of them. Grooming also can be affected by a woman's assistance and advice. And a man can be more financially successful with a woman backing him up and encouraging him. At the same time, you will be learning to modify your behavior to meet HIS needs better. You'll learn to give him the admiration, sexual attention, attractiveness, and recreational companionship that will make him feel terrific about you. It's a delicious (rather than vicious) circle. Two people who make a point of doing this will develop a r/s that is deeply satisfying and essentially unbreakable. Stormy....aaaahhhhhh....you're so HOOKED on this MM that you want to call "just a friend". His behavior is following a 100% predictable pattern, with the 100% predictable consequences of you feeling hooked, angry, discarded, ill-used, and obsessed. He played around with the idea of an affair with you, and then, just as immoralist described, he realized the price/benefit ratio was not as attractive as he thought. Hence, you get dumped. In fact, you get a more courteous dumping than many OW-to-be. Some of them just get sudden silence, with no explanation. At least you got the minimal courtesy of him letting you know that it was over. I left him a voicemail saying that he’s not a nice person, that he doesn’t care who he hurts, that he hurt me and doesn’t care and that I guess I was just a body to use...He didn't respond...I just feel used and discarded by someone I thought was...a friend. For your own dignity and peace of mind, I recommend NOT contacting him again and looking for a new job ASAP. And please learn a bit more about relationships and expectations. You need to do a better job of choosing men. I disagree with your approach of looking for Mr. Perfect based on personality, money, grooming,e tc. and IGNORING marital status. When you evaluate a possible bf, question 1 should be: Is he married? He can only move to the next round if the answer is NO. If you want a man, who will have to look in the universe of single men and take the best you find there. ONLY single men are acceptable. I don't care how "great" or "friendly" the MM seems, he will ALWAYS break your heart. I feel like a crossing guard who is trying to steer kindergartners away from the expressway on-ramp and somehow not finding the words to describe the mangling of their bodies that is likely to ensue. Stormy, can you PLEASE give me a few words to let me know that some of what I am saying is getting through to you?
Author stormywind Posted January 15, 2005 Author Posted January 15, 2005 You make it sound like I go looking for married men. I've NEVER been interested in MM before this. I wasn't even giving ANY men the time of day and that's what he liked so much (he just couldn't fathom a woman ignoring him, I guess). I don't get why you say I ignore a person's marital status. This guy approached me. I liked talking to him so I continued to talk to him. He's got a very high profile job and I thought it couldn't hurt to have connections---I've normally been terrible at networking. Yes, I did try to believe that he really cared about me as a friend. That the reason he came over after I told him my dad died was because he cared, not because he knew I'd be vulnerable and could make moves on me. Now I realize he came right over that day and made advances on me because he saw it as an opportunity for him. Pretty sick, huh? Had he truely cared, I would have heard back from him when I returned to work after taking off a week for the funeral,etc......or even while I was off that week. But after his opportunity passed that day, he put me out of his mind. In the state I was in at that time, I didn't really realize it. I wonder what type of person he REALLY is. All the bold flirting he did with me at work (he's certainly not shy), his coworkers joke of "don't let him know where you live.", a person who works on his floors comment that he's a major flirt, the comment about how his wife got so mad at him once she started drinking his expensive wines, etc.... I have a feeling he's done these thing before. I have a feeling that's why his marriage is failing and that he's attempting to save it too late. (and no, that's not encouraging me more). I don't know why the guys I end up with (and all were single except him) don't really care about me. I figure it must be something about me.
Author stormywind Posted January 15, 2005 Author Posted January 15, 2005 Well he called me today because of my email. He said he couldn’t meet Monday because he had to go out of town. He said he didn’t understand why I was having a problem with any of this. How I should feel glad for him for wanting to take care of things with his wife. How he’s going to church again and how he’s trying to do what the counselor says. He told me how he doesn’t have time for converstations all the time and that with other friends he doesn’t talk to them all that much. He said we should probably only talk to each other if we bump into each other in the halls occasionally. I said I wondered if I really knew him. I asked why his coworker said that about not letting him know where I lived and he quickly said “He was joking.” I’d expect an answer from someone innocent to be: “Huh? He said what?” (since the comment was made months ago, I doubted he remembered). His quick response made me wonder. We were on the subject of him coming over with wine. I said that I figured out that he was hoping I’d drink enough to make advances on him so he wouldn’t feel guilty. He said he brought it over because it was my b-day and because I’d had a rough year. I told him that he even made the comment “I wish you’d rape me so I wouldn’t feel guilty.” He said he was just joking and then said “you joke around sometimes don’t you?” At one point, it got a little heated and I said that why doesn’t he tell his wife all the sexual comments he’s made to me---and done to me---since he’s being such a holy man all of a sudden. He said I was being nasty and that we shouldn’t talk at all anymore. We talked some more and calmed down. I said how I thought we were friends and now it’s just “seeya” and I started to get emotional (snifflng) and he said we could talk more when he gets back.
Barby Posted January 15, 2005 Posted January 15, 2005 told him that he even made the comment “I wish you’d rape me so I wouldn’t feel guilty.” He said he was just joking and then said “you joke around sometimes don’t you?” At one point, it got a little heated and I said that why doesn’t he tell his wife all the sexual comments he’s made to me---and done to me---since he’s being such a holy man all of a sudden. He said I was being nasty and that we shouldn’t talk at all anymore. We talked some more and calmed down. I said how I thought we were friends and now it’s just “seeya” and I started to get emotional (snifflng) and he said we could talk more when he gets back. HELLO?!! Do you NOT get the fact that HE DOES NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT want to be with you? How much clearer does he have to be? Does he need to get a restraining order on you to make you understand that? Geesh! How I should feel glad for him for wanting to take care of things with his wife. How he’s going to church again and how he’s trying to do what the counselor says. He told me how he doesn’t have time for converstations all the time and that with other friends he doesn’t talk to them all that much. He said we should probably only talk to each other if we bump into each other in the halls occasionally. I think you're becoming a bit obsessed with him!
Author stormywind Posted January 15, 2005 Author Posted January 15, 2005 Thanks Barby you're right----why don't I just do you and everyone a favor and end it. I'm sure you especially will be very happy that I'm gone. I'm hope you're happy now Barby.
Barby Posted January 15, 2005 Posted January 15, 2005 Thanks Barby you're right----why don't I just do you and everyone a favor and end it. I'm sure you especially will be very happy that I'm gone. I'm hope you're happy now Barby. Oh my Geezus Christ are you serious? What is your deal? You must be a bit f*cked up in the head to think I'd be happy...this is NOT my man, or MY life...but HELLO you're posting that he is saying that he doesn't want to talk to you anymore, he wants to work on things with his wife. When did you have a "relationship"??! Honestly all you ever talked about was making out sometimes, that NOT a relationship.......when he's told you he doesn't want to talk to you, you continue to pursue him, that is borderline obsession! You are clingy and desperate for his "friendship" but in "friendship" you're looking for romance, something he clearly isn't "willing" to give you. It would be doing YOURSELF a favor once you realize he doesn't really want you, he wants his WIFE, he has TOLD you, so you should leave it alone and find someone who loves you and who WILL want YOU! It will happen once you allow it to!
Author stormywind Posted January 15, 2005 Author Posted January 15, 2005 Barby---he told me TODAY that he didn't want to talk anymore. That is when he got pissed off. Then later HE said we could talk when he gets back. WHERE do YOU see I am contacting him AFTER he tells me not to? And yes, with the kind of remarks you've made about me on any thread I post on, I DO think you will be happy I'm gone. Too late for me, but maybe it will make you think before you start attacking the next person. Hope so.
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2005 Posted January 15, 2005 HELLO?!! Do you NOT get the fact that HE DOES NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT want to be with you? How much clearer does he have to be? Does he need to get a restraining order on you to make you understand that? Geesh! That just is not nice...Sometimes it just takes alot of time for people to figure things out eh. I know there have been times in my past I've felt that sameway and it just doesn't make it any easier having someone rub yer nose in the s***. None of my business here but things are starting to heatup...Just not worth being mean. Sorry. My thoughts on this one.... When did you have a "relationship"??! It seems either way it was an emotional relationship, even if sex didn't happen...The feelings are all still there and she is feeling really hurt and betrayed by someone who she really cares deeply about. Hurts like hell either way. We talked some more and calmed down. I said how I thought we were friends and now it’s just “seeya” and I started to get emotional (snifflng) and he said we could talk more when he gets back. When he gets back, the two of you will talk. Be honest with him, even if he doesn't want to hear it, you have to say it so YOU feel better. Just don't look for his approval...Or expect the answers you might want to hear...He may or may not respond the way you want him to, but atleast you're getting out the thoughts in your head. Takes time, you will be okay SW...Just take it day by day...Chin up and I hope soon the pain gets less and less for you.
Barby Posted January 15, 2005 Posted January 15, 2005 Originally posted by stormywind Barby---he told me TODAY that he didn't want to talk anymore. That is when he got pissed off. Then later HE said we could talk when he gets back. WHERE do YOU see I am contacting him AFTER he tells me not to? And yes, with the kind of remarks you've made about me on any thread I post on, I DO think you will be happy I'm gone. Too late for me, but maybe it will make you think before you start attacking the next person. Hope so. I comment on your posts but I'm not attacking you, I DON'T even know you, just know the situations you post about and how sad and desperate you come across. I'm sorry for you and sorry that you've been dealing with this and more sorry that you don't think and KNOW you deserve better. My opinions and advice are not any reason for you to leave (if they are then wow...well I won't comment on that)...anyway I'm not going back and forth with you, nor am I gonna say "don't go don't go" this is a PUBLIC forum, I hope you don't go because you have every RIGHT to post here and get advice, feedback. I think you are a nice person, probably too overly needy but none the less I still am giving you my "not so" positive advice because it's sad to see you're still in this situation, I hope you can get it together and realize I'm not attacking YOU or ANYONE else! Furthermore, I'm not going to defend my trying to help someone see that they are only causing themselves more harm...I will PRAY for you that you find the strength to stop pursuing this "never gonna happen" relationship and move on to find someone who can love and respect you!
uberfrau Posted January 15, 2005 Posted January 15, 2005 of the female persuasion on whom men wipe their dirty boots. I'm glad you are in your early 40's. Soon menopause will hit you, and you'll forever be precluded from spreading your genes. This message applies to ALL the female doormats on loveshack-which means 90% of the women who post here.
Mustard Bomb Posted January 16, 2005 Posted January 16, 2005 Originally posted by uberfrau of the female persuasion on whom men wipe their dirty boots. I'm glad you are in your early 40's. Soon menopause will hit you, and you'll forever be precluded from spreading your genes. This message applies to ALL the female doormats on loveshack-which means 90% of the women who post here. Huh. I'd love to see your stats and cites? Let's play. Pony up.
Recommended Posts