trynforget Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Long story short, after 4 years, 2 children, and being engaged she left me for another man she met. She has now been with him for 3 months but at the same time won't let me be. She started out convincing me to go out to lunch and then would say how she missed me and didnt even want to be in the relationship she was in. She would claim she was going to leave him and wanted us to go to counseling. The next day it would be like none of that even happened. I finally stopped playing into her games and now just keep it short and simple. I do NC the best I can with children involved. I've done that for a few weeks now and she has started to realize it so she will do things she knows will get a reaction out of me. It is painful enough losing the women I love and wanted to spend my life with but it's almost unbearable to keep having to deal with her and not be able to move on. I have went out since the breakup and hooked up a time or two which helps get my mind off it for a day or two but then I start comparing them to my ex and I find no comparison so I start thinking about her again. Someone please give me advice on how to get my life back on track. This is causing issues with all aspects of my life including my job.
iouaname Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Be sure that you're not sending mixed messages as well. Don't give her any room to make you miserable. If you're keeping complete, non-personal limited contact and keeping all of your conversation limited to the children and yet she STILL crosses the line, then maybe it would just be best to lay out firm boundaries. Perhaps the next time she attempts to converse more than you're comfortable with, respond with a message stating that you don't want to be her friend and that she needs to respect your decision the way that you have respected hers. Your life will get back on track, you just need to take the bull by the horns and MAKE it happen, as tough as it can be. I'm sorry for what you're going through, but you will get through it! 1
portableversion Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Long story short, after 4 years, 2 children, and being engaged she left me for another man she met. She has now been with him for 3 months but at the same time won't let me be. She started out convincing me to go out to lunch and then would say how she missed me and didnt even want to be in the relationship she was in. She would claim she was going to leave him and wanted us to go to counseling. The next day it would be like none of that even happened. I finally stopped playing into her games and now just keep it short and simple. I do NC the best I can with children involved. I've done that for a few weeks now and she has started to realize it so she will do things she knows will get a reaction out of me. It is painful enough losing the women I love and wanted to spend my life with but it's almost unbearable to keep having to deal with her and not be able to move on. I have went out since the breakup and hooked up a time or two which helps get my mind off it for a day or two but then I start comparing them to my ex and I find no comparison so I start thinking about her again. Someone please give me advice on how to get my life back on track. This is causing issues with all aspects of my life including my job. wow this was my situation too, or at least very close to it, yeah she didn't want to try to work things out at all, her solution was to start searching for a new man behind my back, as soon as she found him it was game over. But nonetheless after she divorce me she kept coming around over and over and over and over , week after week. And yeah told me she was not sure about her new relationship and that she missed me and thought about reconciling. It was all lies and manipulations. Just remind yourself everyday that you are dealing with sick person that needs help and they will continue to to do hurtful things until they get help. They probably wont get help they think the solution is to have sex with a new person and get involved in a new relationship. They are ignorant , it is a dangerous kind of ignorance too. Man more than once she told me she was done with her man , but then a few weeks or days later shed say they made up and were back together. I'd say hey you told me you wanted to work this out and we were having good times. Her response was oh I was just thinking out loud and didn't mean it. OMg I about lost it, I had never witnessed such cruelty and abuse. Even a month before she married her codependant counter part she tried to feed me more lies that indeed they were done for and would not even continue as friends. It was complete total utter deception. The wedding plans were already set. Ha and she wants us to try to be in friendly terms she has no idea on what friendship is. She just knows how to abuse and to manipulate to get what she wants. Yeah man take time and try to get with people who have survived this and meet with people who have gone thru therapy. Ive gotten involved into groups where many folks have tons of experience with what healthy relationships look like. And had been thru lots of therapy. Heck I went to many sessions too. I went thru surviving divorce and goto aa meetings. though from the meetings it has been the fellowship outside the meetings where I was able to tap into much personal experience and knowledge. It has taken a long time but I have finally learned to accept the things they say. The fact I chose to be with her reflected on how sick I was, no human would do that to themselves if they had self love. I would venture to say that there were odd things going on in ur relationship you may not understand. When you dump somebody you don't mess with their mind like that. That is a huge red flag, but if they did that to you after it was over there was probably parallel behavior during the relationship.
Author trynforget Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 wow this was my situation too, or at least very close to it, yeah she didn't want to try to work things out at all, her solution was to start searching for a new man behind my back, as soon as she found him it was game over. But nonetheless after she divorce me she kept coming around over and over and over and over , week after week. And yeah told me she was not sure about her new relationship and that she missed me and thought about reconciling. It was all lies and manipulations. Just remind yourself everyday that you are dealing with sick person that needs help and they will continue to to do hurtful things until they get help. They probably wont get help they think the solution is to have sex with a new person and get involved in a new relationship. They are ignorant , it is a dangerous kind of ignorance too. Man more than once she told me she was done with her man , but then a few weeks or days later shed say they made up and were back together. I'd say hey you told me you wanted to work this out and we were having good times. Her response was oh I was just thinking out loud and didn't mean it. OMg I about lost it, I had never witnessed such cruelty and abuse. Even a month before she married her codependant counter part she tried to feed me more lies that indeed they were done for and would not even continue as friends. It was complete total utter deception. The wedding plans were already set. Ha and she wants us to try to be in friendly terms she has no idea on what friendship is. She just knows how to abuse and to manipulate to get what she wants. Yeah man take time and try to get with people who have survived this and meet with people who have gone thru therapy. Ive gotten involved into groups where many folks have tons of experience with what healthy relationships look like. And had been thru lots of therapy. Heck I went to many sessions too. I went thru surviving divorce and goto aa meetings. though from the meetings it has been the fellowship outside the meetings where I was able to tap into much personal experience and knowledge. It has taken a long time but I have finally learned to accept the things they say. The fact I chose to be with her reflected on how sick I was, no human would do that to themselves if they had self love. I would venture to say that there were odd things going on in ur relationship you may not understand. When you dump somebody you don't mess with their mind like that. That is a huge red flag, but if they did that to you after it was over there was probably parallel behavior during the relationship. Sounds pretty close to my story! It's like I try my hardest to realize what a bad person she really is but at the same time I love her so much I make excuses for her. She has ptsd and I also think she has bpd. It's good to know others are there with me. Thanks for the reply
portableversion Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 yeah all that coming back and saying they miss you. I call it the echoes of abuse. It's like throwing a rock in the water and it makes ripples that follow each other, that is what this is. I'm not a gambling man but I'd wager that she was doing things to you in ur relationship that was not very good at all. This is who she is and how she rolls. Just because the relationship ended does not mean she is no longer an abuser.you are probably much better off without this person. Search yourself to find out why it is you fell for such a monster. Man Ive ranted about this on here in multiple places but by God the 4th step from aa uncovered much of this, but it took time fro even my sponsor to finally reveal stuff to me. I suppose he knew I was not ready to process some of this stuff. But man ur x sounds so much like mine. Its very good to see you said you are not playing her games anymore. Man I went along and the professionals verified to me that since I played along with her games that indeed I did delay the healing process by many months. I probably added an additional 6-9 months of pain and misery, by playing along with her abusive games. All in the hopes of getting the family back together. Trying to honor a vow made in church before God. She murdered me over and over and over again. Get a little build up and hope and then BLAMMO!!!!! Rinse and repeat. Yeah and the kids, hate to say it but like me you may have reproduced with a monster and your kids are at risk. It may not be anything you can really get the courts to move on but nonetheless they are at risk. She may have a good job, and appear to have it together but it's all a mirage. You must do whatever you can on self help to uncover all the bad stuff inside you, the kids need at least one parent that is getting better and trying to grow. Ur x sounds like mine just blames you for everything while playing lip service they could've done better without really getting to the bottom of wtf just happened. Our whole entire culture is sick and just because the vast bulk of families do split does not mean its cool or ok. it is not ok it is wrong. I cant change her all I can do is push myself to do as many things different today than I did yesterday. there is no way in hell I can continue on as I was. why would I want to stay the same, the old me arrived at busted family. And since kids are involved ive been motivated to really push hard on this. I never used to goto church much, now I go all the time and joined the choir and got involved. Me and her used to smoke pot everyday and get drunk, now I goto aa meetings. Ive tried different music, I threw away many possessions from my past including video games, I try to read more or meditate more. Ill even try to drive on different roads in town. Try new clothes. There are some things I cant go back on though. Like I am not going to date women who are obese or very overweight, lol cant go back on that. I know what im attracted to. Though I had always thought she was a bit overweight, and many times she really was so now is my time to really meet someone who is active and fit, yeah im no longer compromising on that stuff, if I have any doubts about my physical attractiveness to you im out sorry find someone else, I aint playing. Yeah game over, having a family split up is hell, I am not going to take any crap off another woman, like I took off her, that was the last time in my life I will endure or suffer so much abuse Sorry im completely ranting and rambling , ur story really just sounded so much like what I went thru. In real life I have met others who had gone thru this. I cant believe it for myself but all the others told me about how justice does get served. I get assurances these abusers will be getting theirs, it could take years but they'll be swinging from the gallows pole, so to speak....I suppose I will wait and see. God works in mysterious ways and that is no lie or joke
portableversion Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 oh yeah and I always paid for the lunches too, she'd smile coyly at me and ask "are you getting this?" and I'd say sure I'll pay. And it was her idea to go to lunch, Lots of times I had no idea she was coming over to my place. So nuts and she has so much more money than me too, what a waste of time. Ill admit I was so happy to see her those times but it was crushing in the end
portableversion Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Be sure that you're not sending mixed messages as well. Don't give her any room to make you miserable. If you're keeping complete, non-personal limited contact and keeping all of your conversation limited to the children and yet she STILL crosses the line, then maybe it would just be best to lay out firm boundaries. Perhaps the next time she attempts to converse more than you're comfortable with, respond with a message stating that you don't want to be her friend and that she needs to respect your decision the way that you have respected hers. Your life will get back on track, you just need to take the bull by the horns and MAKE it happen, as tough as it can be. I'm sorry for what you're going through, but you will get through it! Yeah I had done this many many times, my therapist recommended hand writing a letter and mail it to her her , though he did recommend making a photo copy(I made no such copy). Still even then her behavior was relentless like the tide pulverizing sea rocks into sand. It was then that I gave up and played along and got hurt real bad. IM lucky to be alive, not sure how I endured all this bs. Boundary violation yes, and still yet after whore married her whatever the frick he is she will still violate my boundaries. Prolly my fault I always let her run me over like an old piece of roadkill that looks like it's a part of the highway
Author trynforget Posted January 22, 2014 Author Posted January 22, 2014 Be sure that you're not sending mixed messages as well. Don't give her any room to make you miserable. If you're keeping complete, non-personal limited contact and keeping all of your conversation limited to the children and yet she STILL crosses the line, then maybe it would just be best to lay out firm boundaries. Perhaps the next time she attempts to converse more than you're comfortable with, respond with a message stating that you don't want to be her friend and that she needs to respect your decision the way that you have respected hers. Your life will get back on track, you just need to take the bull by the horns and MAKE it happen, as tough as it can be. I'm sorry for what you're going through, but you will get through it! The thing is I have laid out clear boundaries, I have told her " Look I can't get over you when we are still talking, you chose to leave and move on with someone else and we cant talk anymore". She will tell me, "ok if thats what you feel like needs to be done" then maybe a day or two will go by and then she will start blowing up my phone like somethings wrong and when I finally answer it will be for the stupidist thing, basically just to see if I'll answer. I just don't know what to do anymore I keep getting put back to square one and I'm miserable.
Author trynforget Posted January 22, 2014 Author Posted January 22, 2014 yeah all that coming back and saying they miss you. I call it the echoes of abuse. It's like throwing a rock in the water and it makes ripples that follow each other, that is what this is. I'm not a gambling man but I'd wager that she was doing things to you in ur relationship that was not very good at all. This is who she is and how she rolls. Just because the relationship ended does not mean she is no longer an abuser.you are probably much better off without this person. Search yourself to find out why it is you fell for such a monster. Man Ive ranted about this on here in multiple places but by God the 4th step from aa uncovered much of this, but it took time fro even my sponsor to finally reveal stuff to me. I suppose he knew I was not ready to process some of this stuff. But man ur x sounds so much like mine. Its very good to see you said you are not playing her games anymore. Man I went along and the professionals verified to me that since I played along with her games that indeed I did delay the healing process by many months. I probably added an additional 6-9 months of pain and misery, by playing along with her abusive games. All in the hopes of getting the family back together. Trying to honor a vow made in church before God. She murdered me over and over and over again. Get a little build up and hope and then BLAMMO!!!!! Rinse and repeat. Yeah and the kids, hate to say it but like me you may have reproduced with a monster and your kids are at risk. It may not be anything you can really get the courts to move on but nonetheless they are at risk. She may have a good job, and appear to have it together but it's all a mirage. You must do whatever you can on self help to uncover all the bad stuff inside you, the kids need at least one parent that is getting better and trying to grow. Ur x sounds like mine just blames you for everything while playing lip service they could've done better without really getting to the bottom of wtf just happened. Our whole entire culture is sick and just because the vast bulk of families do split does not mean its cool or ok. it is not ok it is wrong. I cant change her all I can do is push myself to do as many things different today than I did yesterday. there is no way in hell I can continue on as I was. why would I want to stay the same, the old me arrived at busted family. And since kids are involved ive been motivated to really push hard on this. I never used to goto church much, now I go all the time and joined the choir and got involved. Me and her used to smoke pot everyday and get drunk, now I goto aa meetings. Ive tried different music, I threw away many possessions from my past including video games, I try to read more or meditate more. Ill even try to drive on different roads in town. Try new clothes. There are some things I cant go back on though. Like I am not going to date women who are obese or very overweight, lol cant go back on that. I know what im attracted to. Though I had always thought she was a bit overweight, and many times she really was so now is my time to really meet someone who is active and fit, yeah im no longer compromising on that stuff, if I have any doubts about my physical attractiveness to you im out sorry find someone else, I aint playing. Yeah game over, having a family split up is hell, I am not going to take any crap off another woman, like I took off her, that was the last time in my life I will endure or suffer so much abuse Sorry im completely ranting and rambling , ur story really just sounded so much like what I went thru. In real life I have met others who had gone thru this. I cant believe it for myself but all the others told me about how justice does get served. I get assurances these abusers will be getting theirs, it could take years but they'll be swinging from the gallows pole, so to speak....I suppose I will wait and see. God works in mysterious ways and that is no lie or joke I like how you say to search yourself to see what you actually saw in such a monster. Thats what I try and do at times but it's as if I'm still so in love with her that I make excuses for all the bad things she has done to me. As sick as it sounds is almost like I lie to myself, to convince myself that she wasn't bad to me when she has done the worst things a partner could do. Basically at this point I realize that it's over as much as I don't want to accept that I have to and move on and now that I'm actually trying, she senses that and doesn't want to allow it to happen. It would be so much easier to go NC and move on if there weren't kids involved. I am really starting to think she has borderline personality disorder. I have read some stories of woman with that and they sound identical.
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