JThompkins Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Bottom line, we need to own our past and present choices. If we have done "bad" things, then we can't pick and choose what we present to a potential mate. That's called manipulation. It says that I can get whatever I want at your expense. That is pure selfishness and even poorer insight. It's much better to explain what was behind that choice and what one's current mindset is. What did you learn? What do you want now? Love is putting another before yourself. Honesty about your past choices is your partner's right. So they can understand and know you. So they can make an informed decision. So they can love the whole (real) you. Past abuse is a bit different. It wasn't a choice. It was done to you. Your choice to disclose, but I would and have. It is part of who I am. I want to be known. I want someone with whom I can be vulnerable and honest. I deserve that from a partner as well. It's simple. Tell the truth. I cannot tell you how much I agree with this. If you can't be 100% honest with your spouse, then who on this planet CAN you be 100% honest with? They should be the one you can, not your kids, not your friends, but your partner. Relationships are complicated, but you are right in that sometimes yes certain things are just that simple.
Art_Critic Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 You lumped a whole lot of what if's in that list, the range goes from it wouldn't matter to it would. I think your list is too broad for a nailed down discussion of what would or wouldn't be acceptable to me. ie:, cheating on me before the marriage is breaking a full on commitment of monogamy and is very different than not disclosing a past history of porn or jail time where there is no commitment to me. I think there comes a time that passes that a person doesn't need to carry that scarlet letter.. Why is it that you feel if someone was an OW in a previous relationship that they should carry that as a scarlet letter and poison the next relationship no matter how much time has past ? I think a person who makes mistakes in life (ALL OF US) should be able to make the mistakes and place them after learning our lesson and not have to dwell on that past and keep bringing it up. I'm an Alcoholic, been sober for going on 27 years and always bringing up my past can be really draining at times, did I tell my now wife.. sure.. when we were dating but not out of necessity but out of showing her who I am.. I am proud to be a recovering Alcoholic. If I was a stripper doing tricks 20 years before I met her I would have been embarrassed about who I was and would not have been proud, I would have kept that little dirty secret hidden forever...(NO I was not a stripper). It wouldn't have been who I was... If I had brought the secret out of the closet then I would have been letting my past mistakes define me and never getting rid of the scarlet letter. So I think almost every mistake is a case by case and even situation by situation deal.. you can't make broad brushed guesses of morality on situations like the ones you posted about. I posted my opinions on the other thread that spawned this one and stick with them but won't talk about them as they are different threads.
ironeddie13 Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 I've been lurking around this board for almost 2 years now and finally decided to join. I just wanted to say, Fluttershy, I completely understand where you are coming from. This thread made me think about my past and current relationship and I realized, I've never really asked for full disclosure of my partner's pasts. I've never given one for myself either. People make mistakes, they do things they aren't proud of. If that person has grown and is currently bettering themselves, I see no reason why I need to know every dirty secret from before they ever met me. I do not see how their past has any affect on me. As long as they are currently being the type of person I want to be with, and as long as their future ideals match with mine, why would I be stuck on their past?
The Peanut Gallery Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 What if your spouse was a wanted felon, and they failed to disclose this to you? What if your spouse had a history of homosexual acts/relationships, and failed to disclose this to you? What if your spouse was a serial cheater in a former marriage or relationship(s), but failed to let you know about that? What if your spouse was a former porn star or prostitute? What if they cheated on you before the wedding? What if your spouse was formally a different gender, and they failed to disclose this? Haha! Okay! Felon - I would run away with him, and all of our cash, and move to the tropics and have crazy and wild sex all day in the sand! Homosexual - Well, that would be odd, but then he might let us finally have the MFM threesome I have dreamed of Haha! Cheater in a former Marriage - Not this marriage, I would talk it out with him, and feel REALLY special that I was the one that broke the spell - didn't know I was THAT hot! Wowza! Porn Star/Prostitute - Well, by my standards, he WAS a prostitute! Haha! He had ten times more other partners than I ever had. It bothers me, of course. However, I certainly wouldn't call it quits for something that he USE TO DO! I used to pull poop out of my diaper and smear it on the wall and couch when I was a baby - so what? Wedding Cheating - Now that is different. That would depend on how soon before. If we had been committed already, I would be very upset. But this too would now be in the past, and considering it has been nearly a decade, I would have to let it go - that is not worth divorcing over! We have too much good going for us! If he was a woman??? Bahahahahahaaa! Okay, if you saw him, you would laugh too. But, in a pretend sense, I would be in shock, and then I would like to know which doctor could have given him a piece like THAT! By-golly! Then, I would sign myself up for some boobs and a bigger butt The way I see it, marriage is not about the past! If you hold on to the pain that the past can hold, you will never reach the future together before the pain pulls you apart! So let it go! Have a laugh, and move on! Either that, or get a divorce, and move on! We have one life to live, and if you are going to be miserable in a marriage, get out! Chances are, if one of these things could break you up, the marriage wasn't so good to begin with!
The Peanut Gallery Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 For me, it is a thresh-hold reaction! There is either so few partners that it is not worth mentioning (like me) and then there is so many partners that he had to sit down with a pen and paper, reading through old journals and emails, and still thinks of the odd one he forgot about, ten years later! So, like a "all or nothing" response that our nervous system works on, I have always though to myself in the following terms - A) A sexually responsible person is one who can recall each encounter, in order, with complete details (names, dates, places, etc)about the person they had engaged with. B) A sexually irresponsible person (regardless of the circumstances) is one who can not recall how many people they have slept with. Even if they tried, really hard. Does that make more sense?
Author underpants Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 (edited) Well this has been enlightning. I did site many varied examples, some of which I have seen in my life. I do agree that your past does not necessaryly define who you are, but I do think some things would feel very much like a betrayl if discovered later. Not even the act but the lack of trust and honesty to let your partner/future partner know. You can joke and say you pooped your diapers, but imagine the betrayl you would feel thinking one thing only to discover you were in the dark about a significant thing for years and that the person you trusted most chose not to clue you in. I guess it comes down to what a person will measure up and tolerate for whatever reasons. Everyone has their breaking point. Its not about wearing a scarlet letter. Its about living a genuine and authentic life and sharing all of it with someone, but may be I'm a dreamer. Its just odd, because so many betrayed spouses or partners encourage people to tell, everyone deserves the truth, and informed decisions...all that jazz. ...according to some, I guess many would prefer to just not know....or just not have things known. Perhaps it is which side of the fall out you find yourself. Self preservation is not the hallmark of partnerships, but what do I know? Thanks for the discussion, interesting. Edited January 21, 2014 by underpants
The Peanut Gallery Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 "You can joke and say you pooped your diapers, but imagine the betrayl you would feel thinking one thing only to discover you were in the dark about a significant thing for years and that the person you trusted most chose not to clue you in." - Says Underpants True, Underpants! (and funny, that the joke is about spoiling of the underpants!) However, this again is a perspective. It is your perspective that a betrayal of not telling your spouse that you were a con man is big enough to break up over (or get really mad), which most people would agree with. But with an open mind, imagine if your spouse, upon hearing the news, regarded it with as much care as when she heard that you also, pooped your underpants as a child! I was only answering the question personally, and honestly! If my husband told me that he WAS gay/conman/pornstar/prostitute/opposite gender/etc I would move on! The point of the matter was, it was in the past! He has given me EIGHT YEARS of a beautiful life! That, is why I would look at it with such humour!
blueskyday Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 (edited) You have a wonderful marriage. I'm happy for you! I still think that you would be shattered if you found out your ex had a hidden life from before you. You can't imagine it at present moment. I agree with JThompkins who said its important to be honest and present an honest portrayal of yourself, even if that's to say you don't want to share some past information. That's honesty! At least your partner knows you are withholding information, and they can agree to that or not. I would even extend the honesty mandate to the point of disclosure if your partner has made the wrong assumption about you or a situation. For instance , if they think someone has only been your friend but in reality they were once your lover or girlfriend. Or if they wrongly assume you have a college degree (which wouldn't matter to me, but the lying about it would.) Edited January 21, 2014 by blueskyday 1
ironeddie13 Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I believe there is a difference between keeping something in your past, in the past, and lying about something. If a partner were to ask me a question, I would answer it honestly. But, there are some things in my past I’m not going to just come right out and say for no reason. It is MY past. I have learned from mistakes that I have made and I have grown. I’m not sure why any future partner has a “right” to know about all of my learning experiences especially when it only affected me. Now, if there is something from your past that could harm a potential future partner, then I agree they should be made aware of it. I don’t view making porn as harmful to anyone except the people who are participating in it. It didn’t really affect you, but you are letting it get to you. The only thing I can think of is that you must really worry about what people and society think of you, and you fear that people will view what your wife did in the past as a reflection of you. That is sad. She is still the woman you fell in love with. Nothing has changed. I guess I’m a little different. I don’t tend to ask my partners how many people they have slept with because, quite frankly, I don’t care. What I do ask them is if they have been tested for STD’s and if there is anything I need to know before sleeping with them. For me, the number does not matter because it was before me. What matters is my health.
d0nnivain Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Marriage is a bid deal. I for one do not view it as disposable, which is why I waited so long to get married. You have to love & trust the person. As you are dating, you have to keep your eyes open & not be blinded by love. Certain behaviors & certain past actions can't be hidden for long. If something seems suspicious, check it out. Don't just take the person at their word. Google them. If you aren't satisfied with that, ask their friends & family. If they aren't introducing you to those people, red flag -- dig harder. Ask questions. Go with them to renew their drivers' license. Plan a trip out of the country; certain problems will preclude them from leaving or getting back in. There are ways that past bad behaviors will surface if you pay attention.
bubbaganoosh Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Something happened to me a long time ago. Back in the mid 60's I got engaged to a girl when I came home from Vietnam. After a 45 day leave, I had to go to Germany. A few months later, she wrote and tols me that she was pregnant and wanted to know if I wanted her and the baby. I called her and told her that I would marry her when I came home for Christmas. I did and a week and a half later found out that it wasn't mine and to make a long story short we divorced. I gave up my rights to the baby since the baby wasn't mine and moved on with my life. Now remember that this took place in the 60's and divorce wasn't real popular then. I met a girl and one night shortly after we were going out to dinner and before we got there I pulled the car over and told her that I had something to tell her. I told her the story and asked her if she still wanted to go to dinner. She did and all was well. Some time later a year or so, we got engaged and one night she got a phone call from her sister and the sister and her mother found out I was married once before. Big brew ha ha coming down the line because of this. We went to her sisters house and they had a transcript of the divorce and I had to explain what happened. Then I had to tell her father and he wasn't happy about it and was against us getting married but in the end we did. Point is, I told her about my marriage before it came out and she heard it from someone else. When you hear it from another person, they have a habit of adding something to it and as it gets passed on, another person adds something and so on. I told her because I wanted to be honest. I gave her the choice of continuing going out with me or not. That's the way you do it because sooner or later it comes out and it only makes it worse. If your up front from the beginning, then it's out there and you have nothing more to hide. I didn't feel guilty about it because I was the one who got the shaft but none the less I was involved and it was my mess and it was up to me to clear the air. 2
The Peanut Gallery Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 That is a very interesting perspective, bubbaganoosh! Another thing that use to be a deal breaker for many people (past marriage) is really an after thought these days. I guess, what I am getting at, and this is just my personal perspective, is that for me and my marriage, with the man who has given me a decade of his life, there is very little that could tear us apart! Our marriage today is strong enough that something (anything) that happened ten years ago wouldn't change my commitment to him today! Alternately though, I would say that in a hypothetical situation, if he did do something that was a deal breaker for me, I would just take myself out of the situation! I wouldn't be on here posting about it! Haha! At the end of the day marriage can fit into two categories, in my mind; either A) worth fighting for, or B) Not worth fighting about. Today, our marriage is an A, which means that no matter what gets thrown at us we fight (on the same team) for it!
bubbaganoosh Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 That is a very interesting perspective, bubbaganoosh! Another thing that use to be a deal breaker for many people (past marriage) is really an after thought these days. I guess, what I am getting at, and this is just my personal perspective, is that for me and my marriage, with the man who has given me a decade of his life, there is very little that could tear us apart! Our marriage today is strong enough that something (anything) that happened ten years ago wouldn't change my commitment to him today! Alternately though, I would say that in a hypothetical situation, if he did do something that was a deal breaker for me, I would just take myself out of the situation! I wouldn't be on here posting about it! Haha! At the end of the day marriage can fit into two categories, in my mind; either A) worth fighting for, or B) Not worth fighting about. Today, our marriage is an A, which means that no matter what gets thrown at us we fight (on the same team) for it! Hindsight being 20/20, I wish her Father would have thrown me out. The woman turned out to be a royal pain in the ass and it died after ten years so I guess the father thought, "your funeral pal".
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