TheyCallMeOx Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 To spare you a long story, here's a more condensed version: Boy is depressed. Thoughts of suicide. Starts working out to gain women's attention. Wants to experience love one time before he dies.Girl meets boy over internet dating service.Boy asks girl out. She says "yes."Boy and girl fall in love with each other.According to girl, she starts falling out of love about a year and 3 months into the relationship (or half the relationship)The relationship lasts for 2 and a half years. She initially decides to go on a break, says there's a "99.99% chance of getting back together," but boy calls her during the break and ends up upsetting her until the point of break-up. No definite decision was made.A week later, boy hears from mutual friend (who was trying to get them to stay together) and says there's no chance of getting back together. Broke up with boy somewhere around end of September or beginning of October (3-4 months ago)Girl considers herself free. Boy feels like he lost everything. I'm the boy: the boy who always thought he was good at analyzing people, the boy who completely disagreed with the concepts of "breaks" (especially now) and yet went on a break without hesitation under the impression that she just needed time to herself, and the boy who thought he was strong but is still the one suffering after three months while his ex-girlfriend drinks her favorite alcohol, plays tons of Team Fortress 2, and gets laid by a Mr. Perfect at night time. The thing about me is that I've never been so motivated to solve an issue in my life till I experienced my "first love break up;" two and a half years which felt like the most wonderful years of my life with a woman that I fell in love with for the first time, and now it's over. If you caught what I said earlier, I basically fell in love with my ex-girlfriend during the times I thought about suicide. My ex basically became my angel, and I established an intense dependency on her. I couldn't be happy without her; there's been points where I was without her for a couple months and lost 30 pounds because I couldn't eat or sleep. I was that bad. Ever since the break-up, I've been educating myself on break-ups. I've spent a week or two trying to figure out what went wrong with the relationship, why the relationship messed up, and how I'm going to use that information for my next relationship. So far, I've read about 2-3 books about break-ups, attended a web seminar, talked with some family members, got back into blogging, disabled my Facebook and every other social media website that I was registered on, deleted phone numbers, threw away any significant item that I associated the relationship with my ex-girlfriend. I blog about my feelings, try to encourage myself by having whiteboards. I've got a pledge written down that I'm eventually going to memorize, and another whiteboard that has a list of things that I gotta do, some advice I give myself, etc. I self-talk a lot during the car to encourage myself, I follow the NC rule pretty strictly even though my little sister is good friends with my ex-girlfriend. I got 110 dollars at her university, but I'm not gonna go back and get that 110 dollars so that money is gone as far as I'm concerned. 110 dollars isn't worth the feelings. These are most of the things I've done to try and get over my ex-girlfriend. I essentially quite facebook, tumblr, and even my favorite websites (because she liked them too...go figure). I gave away valuable items, threw away valuable items, etc. I'm pretty ****ing serious about getting over my ex-girlfriend. Some people might say "get a girlfriend," or "get laid again," or something along those lines...but the problem is that part of the reason why the relationship failed was because I depended on my ex-girlfriend for my happiness and satisfaction in life. I loved her more than I loved myself. Now that my friends with benefits and I ended our relationship, I've got no one. I disabled my dating service account (even though I had a pro account), and decided to be single until I fix the things in my life. I have two big problems: I think about my ex-girlfriend a lot.I feel like I'm in a competition with my ex, and I feel like my ex won. She fell out of love with me, didn't say **** about it half our relationship, broke up with me without a problem, broke my heart, cut contact with me, and now I'm just like all the rest of her ex-boyfriends. Originally, I wanted to write a book and write about every flawed detail about her so that I could ridicule the **** out of her...but I realized that she'd still probably win. Thinking about my ex-girlfriend makes me believe that I've failed, and that I'm giving her what she wants. I can't come to peace with that. I get pissed off when I think about her because I acknowledge that I choose to think about her. I'm trying to learn how to love myself, and it doesn't help when I can't stop thinking about my ex-girlfriend. And people say...well, why don't you just get a hobby? Why don't I just work-out, stop drinking Coke, and lose 100 pounds? I gave up my friends for my ex-girlfriend, so I don't have many friends these days. I don't drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes, or do any drugs. I'm not a "social drinker," let alone a drinker. All I have is pretty much work and I don't have the kind of money to do some of the hobbies I'd like to do. It feels like I'm trying really hard but not getting anywhere. I want the thoughts to stop. I watched a show the other day that had some romance in it, and I cried. I feel like I got so much emotion left inside of me, and don't know how I can calm the **** down, stop thinking about my ex, and really move on from my life. So, I'm coming to you for advice. I need the big guns.
AnyaNova Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 With what I am about to say here, don't think that I am saying not to post here and to learn here and discuss. You should definitely do all of the above. What I am saying is, is that I think you have it exactly right. You do need the big guns. It sounds like you have a fair amount of codependency going on (welcome to the club, I unfortunately have a small amount of that going on too!) and I think some therapy would be the best way to go. We can give you help, as we have been helped. What we can't do is give you enough help of the kind that you need. Also forgive me if I missed some reference to you already seeking it, I did not sleep well last night and can't focus on internet reading very well right now to save my life. But I do think your instinct to remain single right now is a good one. Also, a question. Because I am having to put a moratorium on posting about my ex in very short order for this very reason. This reason is sneaky and even when you are very nearly completely recovered as I am, it still slips in there. At what point does continuing to speak about your ex and your breakup become a sneaky way of trying to maintain the emotional connection? 1
Author TheyCallMeOx Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 At what point does continuing to speak about your ex and your breakup become a sneaky way of trying to maintain the emotional connection? Are you asking me for advice, or are you trying to get me to answer so you can decide whether or not I keep talking about her to establish an emotional connection? I think that, regardless, we have to acknowledge our feelings. When we finally get over a significant ex-girlfriend, I think we're supposed to be able to talk about the relationship as if it was just another thing in the past. I don't want to be afraid to talk about it. I've told many people about my previous relationship, and it wasn't really done to maintain an emotional connection with it because an emotional connection is the last thing that I need. However, I also don't want to be afraid of talking about it. At some point, I may get into a relationship with a wonderful woman and we'll talk about our previous experiences and what we've learned; I wanna be able to talk about my previous relationship without any emotion and strictly on a factual basis. In order to do that, I wanna tell the story as many times because I want to remind myself that it's just that...a true story that happened in the past and is no longer part of the present. If I decide to go the therapy route, I'll talk about my previous relationship again. If I need to get as detailed as I can about my past, I will, as long as I feel that it will benefit me. I hope that answers your question correctly. If not, sorry and I'd be glad to answer it again when it's reworded.
AnyaNova Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Are you asking me for advice, or are you trying to get me to answer so you can decide whether or not I keep talking about her to establish an emotional connection? I think that, regardless, we have to acknowledge our feelings. When we finally get over a significant ex-girlfriend, I think we're supposed to be able to talk about the relationship as if it was just another thing in the past. I don't want to be afraid to talk about it. I've told many people about my previous relationship, and it wasn't really done to maintain an emotional connection with it because an emotional connection is the last thing that I need. However, I also don't want to be afraid of talking about it. At some point, I may get into a relationship with a wonderful woman and we'll talk about our previous experiences and what we've learned; I wanna be able to talk about my previous relationship without any emotion and strictly on a factual basis. In order to do that, I wanna tell the story as many times because I want to remind myself that it's just that...a true story that happened in the past and is no longer part of the present. If I decide to go the therapy route, I'll talk about my previous relationship again. If I need to get as detailed as I can about my past, I will, as long as I feel that it will benefit me. I hope that answers your question correctly. If not, sorry and I'd be glad to answer it again when it's reworded. I wasn't attempting in any way to try and make a statement about you or whether it applied to you, nor was I seeking advice about whether I was (because I know in a small way, I do do that, and so I have set myself a cutoff day). What I was doing is suggesting the possibility that that could be an underlying motivation and bringing up the idea so that you could consider it for yourself. And act accordingly if you thought it was true for you. 1
Haydn Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Well you put all this across very nicely. Sadly its all too normal how you feel but you know this. Its the why question and we will never get the closure we really need. Yes anything you do to seek the answer will seem petty to her maybe. By posting your big guns are already out. 3 months is also not long. To spare you a long story, here's a more condensed version: Boy is depressed. Thoughts of suicide. Starts working out to gain women's attention. Wants to experience love one time before he dies.Girl meets boy over internet dating service.Boy asks girl out. She says "yes."Boy and girl fall in love with each other.According to girl, she starts falling out of love about a year and 3 months into the relationship (or half the relationship)The relationship lasts for 2 and a half years. She initially decides to go on a break, says there's a "99.99% chance of getting back together," but boy calls her during the break and ends up upsetting her until the point of break-up. No definite decision was made.A week later, boy hears from mutual friend (who was trying to get them to stay together) and says there's no chance of getting back together. Broke up with boy somewhere around end of September or beginning of October (3-4 months ago)Girl considers herself free. Boy feels like he lost everything. I'm the boy: the boy who always thought he was good at analyzing people, the boy who completely disagreed with the concepts of "breaks" (especially now) and yet went on a break without hesitation under the impression that she just needed time to herself, and the boy who thought he was strong but is still the one suffering after three months while his ex-girlfriend drinks her favorite alcohol, plays tons of Team Fortress 2, and gets laid by a Mr. Perfect at night time. The thing about me is that I've never been so motivated to solve an issue in my life till I experienced my "first love break up;" two and a half years which felt like the most wonderful years of my life with a woman that I fell in love with for the first time, and now it's over. If you caught what I said earlier, I basically fell in love with my ex-girlfriend during the times I thought about suicide. My ex basically became my angel, and I established an intense dependency on her. I couldn't be happy without her; there's been points where I was without her for a couple months and lost 30 pounds because I couldn't eat or sleep. I was that bad. Ever since the break-up, I've been educating myself on break-ups. I've spent a week or two trying to figure out what went wrong with the relationship, why the relationship messed up, and how I'm going to use that information for my next relationship. So far, I've read about 2-3 books about break-ups, attended a web seminar, talked with some family members, got back into blogging, disabled my Facebook and every other social media website that I was registered on, deleted phone numbers, threw away any significant item that I associated the relationship with my ex-girlfriend. I blog about my feelings, try to encourage myself by having whiteboards. I've got a pledge written down that I'm eventually going to memorize, and another whiteboard that has a list of things that I gotta do, some advice I give myself, etc. I self-talk a lot during the car to encourage myself, I follow the NC rule pretty strictly even though my little sister is good friends with my ex-girlfriend. I got 110 dollars at her university, but I'm not gonna go back and get that 110 dollars so that money is gone as far as I'm concerned. 110 dollars isn't worth the feelings. These are most of the things I've done to try and get over my ex-girlfriend. I essentially quite facebook, tumblr, and even my favorite websites (because she liked them too...go figure). I gave away valuable items, threw away valuable items, etc. I'm pretty ****ing serious about getting over my ex-girlfriend. Some people might say "get a girlfriend," or "get laid again," or something along those lines...but the problem is that part of the reason why the relationship failed was because I depended on my ex-girlfriend for my happiness and satisfaction in life. I loved her more than I loved myself. Now that my friends with benefits and I ended our relationship, I've got no one. I disabled my dating service account (even though I had a pro account), and decided to be single until I fix the things in my life. I have two big problems: I think about my ex-girlfriend a lot.I feel like I'm in a competition with my ex, and I feel like my ex won. She fell out of love with me, didn't say **** about it half our relationship, broke up with me without a problem, broke my heart, cut contact with me, and now I'm just like all the rest of her ex-boyfriends. Originally, I wanted to write a book and write about every flawed detail about her so that I could ridicule the **** out of her...but I realized that she'd still probably win. Thinking about my ex-girlfriend makes me believe that I've failed, and that I'm giving her what she wants. I can't come to peace with that. I get pissed off when I think about her because I acknowledge that I choose to think about her. I'm trying to learn how to love myself, and it doesn't help when I can't stop thinking about my ex-girlfriend. And people say...well, why don't you just get a hobby? Why don't I just work-out, stop drinking Coke, and lose 100 pounds? I gave up my friends for my ex-girlfriend, so I don't have many friends these days. I don't drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes, or do any drugs. I'm not a "social drinker," let alone a drinker. All I have is pretty much work and I don't have the kind of money to do some of the hobbies I'd like to do. It feels like I'm trying really hard but not getting anywhere. I want the thoughts to stop. I watched a show the other day that had some romance in it, and I cried. I feel like I got so much emotion left inside of me, and don't know how I can calm the **** down, stop thinking about my ex, and really move on from my life. So, I'm coming to you for advice. I need the big guns. 1
Author TheyCallMeOx Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 What I was doing is suggesting the possibility that that could be an underlying motivation and bringing up the idea so that you could consider it for yourself. And act accordingly if you thought it was true for you. I just want to make sure I'm understanding what you're talking about. From what I gather, you're telling me that there's a possibility that I have a sort of cling onto the past by sneaking it into my recovery? Like...the past is something that I'm fascinated about, and I include the past in trying to get advice because it helps me feel that emotional connection with the previous relationship? If that's the case, I don't see why it can't be a possibility. I guess it's along the consequences of having the inability to "let go." Have I let go of my ex-girlfriend? I don't know what you'd define as "letting go." Do I pursue my ex-girlfriend? No. She's off doing her own life and probably has no interest in dating me anymore if she can keep a straight face spending time with my sister. There's plenty of indications that she doesn't see any benefit to getting back with me, and I've learned to accept the possibility of never having another chance with her. I still very much love my ex-girlfriend, so I feel there's still a certain degree of...hope, I guess, and I can't help but look back at the relationship and think more about the good times than the bad. It really took a lot of time and willpower to get down to the details to find flaws in the relationship; on the surface, it seems that everything was completely wrong. To me, I still don't see how it was so bad that it warranted her breaking up with me. To this day, it still doesn't feel like it was the right choice. So I guess, if I understand you correctly, there's still a part of me that holds onto some of that emotional connection. Since I've been dealing with this for only 3 months, people have said that my feelings are still fresh. However, my previous relationship helped me realize that it's better to doubt to be optimistic, and I'm always doubting how I feel because, in the end, there's still so much for me to learn.
k10k Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 If you caught what I said earlier, I basically fell in love with my ex-girlfriend during the times I thought about suicide. My ex basically became my angel, and I established an intense dependency on her. I couldn't be happy without her; there's been points where I was without her for a couple months and lost 30 pounds because I couldn't eat or sleep. I was that bad. ...but the problem is that part of the reason why the relationship failed was because I depended on my ex-girlfriend for my happiness and satisfaction in life. I loved her more than I loved myself. I agree with the anyanova - that you have some co-dependency issues to work through and therapy may be a good option for this. Also, your depression before you met your ex, you could perhaps explore that with a therapist and figure out what the route cause of that was? You could also go a different route, if you're that way inclined, more of a 'spiritual' inward journey i.e start with practicing meditation, mindfulness, gratitude, ease, acceptance, happiness from within, compassion towards ourselves and others..etc.. You may relate to this, and perhaps a good starting point: one sided love relationships Meditation will definitely help with learning to control the endless thoughts of the ex, as well as with finding an inner sense of peace. Also, remember that this is not a competition, your ex didn't "win" - this thought pattern stems from the feelings of rejection and having a bruised ego - something that most of us dumpees are dealing with. These are often the times when we grow most as human beings x I have two big problems: I think about my ex-girlfriend a lot.I feel like I'm in a competition with my ex, and I feel like my ex won. She fell out of love with me, didn't say **** about it half our relationship, broke up with me without a problem, broke my heart, cut contact with me, and now I'm just like all the rest of her ex-boyfriends. 1
Haydn Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Thanks for the link. This is very useful and funny. I agree with the anyanova - that you have some co-dependency issues to work through and therapy may be a good option for this. Also, your depression before you met your ex, you could perhaps explore that with a therapist and figure out what the route cause of that was? You could also go a different route, if you're that way inclined, more of a 'spiritual' inward journey i.e start with practicing meditation, mindfulness, gratitude, ease, acceptance, happiness from within, compassion towards ourselves and others..etc.. You may relate to this, and perhaps a good starting point: one sided love relationships Meditation will definitely help with learning to control the endless thoughts of the ex, as well as with finding an inner sense of peace. Also, remember that this is not a competition, your ex didn't "win" - this thought pattern stems from the feelings of rejection and having a bruised ego - something that most of us dumpees are dealing with. These are often the times when we grow most as human beings x
k10k Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Thanks for the link. This is very useful and funny. Pleasure Haydn. Helps to put things into perspective for me
Author TheyCallMeOx Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 I agree with the anyanova - that you have some co-dependency issues to work through and therapy may be a good option for this. Also, your depression before you met your ex, you could perhaps explore that with a therapist and figure out what the route cause of that was? You could also go a different route, if you're that way inclined, more of a 'spiritual' inward journey i.e start with practicing meditation, mindfulness, gratitude, ease, acceptance, happiness from within, compassion towards ourselves and others..etc.. You may relate to this, and perhaps a good starting point: one sided love relationships Meditation will definitely help with learning to control the endless thoughts of the ex, as well as with finding an inner sense of peace. Also, remember that this is not a competition, your ex didn't "win" - this thought pattern stems from the feelings of rejection and having a bruised ego - something that most of us dumpees are dealing with. These are often the times when we grow most as human beings x I'm going to try meditation before I start going into therapy. The therapists I've been too in the past have been useless, so therapy is pretty much a last resort. I meditated last night for about 25 minutes. Eventually, I started nodding off and decided to go to sleep. I don't know if it'll help me find "inner sense of peace," but I can see how it can help control thoughts of my ex. That's one thing I could try. Thanks for the suggestion. I'm still open to ideas, though.
TaraMaiden Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 In meditation, do not suppress thoughts. Allow them to arise, but do not attach an further dialogue to them... See them simply as whisps of cloud drifting aimlessly across your Consciousness.... see them, notice them, watch them, observe them.... and let them fall unhindered into the vacuous silence that is the boundless expanse of your Mind. "Oh... there she is again......" and let it drift, without commentary..... 2
headinthecloud Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 When we meet people for the first time we tend to "fill-in the blanks" regarding parts of their personality that we don't see right away. Some people take time to open up and observe actions/behaviours carefully before committing to a RS, while others fall into the love fantasy and stay blind; they often get hurt only to see the behavior patterns during break-up recovery. It sounds like your RS was the latter and that you definitely had co-dependency. Although you clearly have done a great deal of work on yourself in a short time so keep it up. You'll know when you're ready to date again (...and kudos for healing yourself first). Ox, you have a talent for expressing yourself which means that when you're ready, and you connect with the right woman at the right time, you will have an amazing RS. RSs are all about communication, as you know. Whatever you do, make sure you have a solid sense of self before you get into your next RS. Remember to let loose and have fun in the interim. We are, after all, responsible for our own happiness and no one else's. She's out there...and she's looking for you too.
Recommended Posts