Question for WH who chose to end affair...

[frogss29]

Could you please tell me how you felt?

Did you 100% want to be with your wife?

Or was it because of guilt or habit or the need to not fail at marriage publicly?

 

DD was a little over 2 months for me and I am still reeling.

Still trying to process everything.

 

Just so hard to believe what my husband says.

Because I believed IN him for so long

And I really want to get back to feeling safe.

So, I just wonder what WH who really did decide to stay married REALLY feel if they decide to have NC with AP and are doing/saying all the right things to their wife. Was it a daily struggle?

[Spark1111]

Frogs.....former BS here and I just hate to see any one post twisting in the wind waiting for a response....so I'm chiming in until a WS comes along....

 

My fWS's affair was almost 18 months with a D co-worker. It was intense and romantic and 100s of texts and phones calls weekly.

 

his new high-powered job was the perfect cover; late nights and long distance travel. he saw her two, three times a week and had many overnights and weekends away.

 

There was NOTHING spasmodic about it at ALL.

 

What is YOUR GUT telling you about his truthfulness NOW?

 

My H was in a very low point in his life and she was a damsel in distress who asked for his advice at every turn. She made him feel important and special....and she lavished time and attention and flattery....and he lapped it up like a Labarador Retriever puppy.

 

She initially made NO demands on him, but then that changed. She fell for him and wanted more. In fact, she wanted MY life and thought if she won my man away, she would magically have it. It doesn't work that way. You have to build and earn a life of security and happiness.

 

When DDay hit, I threw him out. I loved him enough to let him go and I wished them well. Changed the locks, called the D attorney, told my children (who already suspected) and cried myself to sleep at night.

 

When he tried to talk of us...I raged and hung up the phone.

 

he LOVED the attention. He loved how much she wanted him, but given carte blanche by me to be with his soul mate...IT was the LAST thing he wanted.

 

Two months? You should be reeling; questioning your reality, your trust, your sanity.

 

Are you two in IC? You should be.

 

Spasmodic? She sounds like a bad habit he lacked the courage (and cheaters are a cowardly group) to break....

 

Stalking you, your neighbors and friends? She sounds disordered.

 

Perhaps, like so many, she was empowered by besting you? And that is a sick, insecure dynamic that speaks to her pathology.

 

Your biggest concern should be your H's WHY? Why did he fall for it? WHY did he stay in it so long?

 

Until therapy helps him to uncover the answers to those tw questions, you may NEVER feel safe again....no matter how transparent and remorseful he seems NOW.

[Spark1111]

PS: Don't allow it to be about guilt, or obligation, or public failure or kids....

 

if YOU are unsure....make him LEAVE. Separate....expose...have him bear consequences for his actions.

 

My H had to beg me back every step of the way. I could never rest IF I thought I was his default choice....if he came back for guilt, kids, etc.

 

I was a woman who DESERVED love and devotion attention, romance, to be respected.

 

And as I loved him and HOPED it would be him, I INTENDED to have that in my life....whether from him or someone new.

 

Read up on the 180....and execute it starting tomorrow.

 

If you don't believe you DESERVE and will OBTAIN a better man, he will never have to bring his A game to keep you, will he?

[frogss29]

All the doubt/questions/insecurities happen when I am by myself.

Everything goes on and on in my mind until I make myself sick.

 

Spark 1111, your H's situation was very similar to my husband. He was a workaholic.But he was devoted to his family and me. But he got a big shock at work and was completely destroyed emotionally. He felt worthless and was depressed. He needed an ego boost, I suppose. He definitely liked the attention.

 

I can't understand how it lasted so long.......seriously, I am NOT a stupid woman. But I feel so stupid now.

And I think that is one of the problems. He is doing and saying all the right things. He is emotionally exhausted by all this (but who cares???) and wants us to work it out.

We are having counselling.

I am seeing a psychologist so i can learn anger boundaries .

All the 'experts' tell me what I am feeling etc is normal.

It is just that my mind keeps on going over and over and over everything.

It just never stops.

 

So, bottom line, I know WHY it started from his side..

I even know why it started from HER side....her husband had just had an affair, wanted to leave, but stayed because of the kids.For her, it was a revenge affair I suppose. And she envied my happy marriage

This describes her perfectly :

 

"Spider Woman

There are women who, by nature romantics, don't quite want to escape their own life and die for love. Instead they'd rather have some guy wreck his life for them. These women have been so recently betrayed by unfaithful men that the wound is still raw and they are out for revenge. A woman who angrily pursues married men is a "spider woman"—she requires human sacrifice to restore her sense of power.

 

When she is sucking the blood from other people's marriages, she feels some relief from the pain of having her own marriage betrayed. She simply requires that a man love her enough to sacrifice his life for her. She may be particularly attracted to happy marriages, clearly envious of the woman whose husband is faithful and loving to her. Sometimes it isn't clear whether she wants to replace the happy wife or just make her miserable.

 

The women who are least squeamish and most likely to wreak havoc on other people's marriages are victims of some sort of abuse, so angry that they don't feel bound by the usual rules or obligations, so desperate that they cling to any source of security, and so miserable that they don't bother to think a bit of the end of it."

 

Can't work out why it continued for so long......I think he felt that because they met only

about 6 times/year, in the park , didn't have sex a lot etc, that it was SORT of OK.

I think he felt trapped - but by me or her??????????

[waterwoman]

Hi frogs.

 

Sorry I am not a WS (well not for many many years) but I wanted to answer because I think it's important to look at this another way.

 

2 months is very recent, I'm afraid what you are feeling is normal and isn't going to get easier for a while. At this point you need your H to be expressing love and remorse as often as you need it while you begin to heal. You can't do much right now but keep breathing ...honest, I know how desperate the first few months are.

 

But long term the healing will only be completed by you, yourself, coming to a decision to beleive what he says, that he is there because he wants to be, that he doesn't want her, that he regrets the affair and wishes it hadn't happened. Because unfortunately no matter what he says it's only going to matter to you when you start to beleive it.

 

Start to consider IC - it's part of the healing YOU need. Even if the IC brings you to a conclusion that you need to seperate, that is OK because it's a decision made for your benefit.

 

It took me nearly 18 months to reach the point i mention on paragraph 2 and even now I still have wobbles, my self-esteem isn't great to start with and affairs are great ways to reduce that even further! But I am so much better than I was a year ago.

 

Good luck x

[not-so-sure]

Could you please tell me how you felt?

I didn't want it to end.

Did you 100% want to be with your wife?

I was sad and confused but at that time, I couldn't say I was 100% there, maybe not even half. During the subsequent months I entertained the idea of leaving.

Or was it because of guilt or habit or the need to not fail at marriage publicly?

Not so concerned about the public failure of marriage; at the point of breaking up, the reasons in my addled head for staying were kids, money, i need to deal with this other person emotionally first

DD was a little over 2 months for me and I am still reeling.

Still trying to process everything.

 

Just so hard to believe what my husband says.

Because I believed IN him for so long

And I really want to get back to feeling safe.

So, I just wonder what WH who really did decide to stay married REALLY feel if they decide to have NC with AP and are doing/saying all the right things to their wife. Was it a daily struggle?

 

The relationship ended because it had to. We had tried breaking up a couple of times earlier. I didn't 'end' the relationship, I saw where a discussion between us was going and we both agreed for it to end. To be true, it should never have started, and it's taken me a long time to get to the point where I can say I'm more over it than not. Up until a few weeks ago, everything with my wife was very mechanical, doing and saying the right things because, well, they were the right things to do. Eventually those thoughts and deeds have started to become more automatic and unsolicited.

 

The one thing that seems to be missed in a lot of these discussions is that losing any kind of relationship is going to result in a grieving process. Thankfully, through all the fog, I held on to this idea and did not reach for pressure valve release of leaving.

 

All those fond memories are in the process of fading. They are slowly becoming just 'memories', good bad or otherwise. I can tell you I won't be paying that price again though.

 

My suggestion to you is to hold on. It will be hard to believe what your husband says, and he may not even believe it himself, but at least let him get the grief thing out of the way if he is feeling it because that feeds into everything. Once that clears, you will know whether he feels for you or is simply going through the motions.

 

Your feelings are raw and that's completely understandable. There's a long way to go yet. Just make sure things are on your terms. It's up to him to reestablish trust.

[confusedandhurt2002]

Wow! The description of that woman is just like my situation! I think she was jealous of what I had. My husband was very attentive and cared for me and hers didn't so she did whatever she could to take my husband's attention away from me and onto her. It worked too.

 

I'm about six months into this.

 

My husband's father died and she was already texting him every single day and calling him late at night. I didn't know any of this until August. It was going on for over 18 months...maybe two years. He works a night shift. I knew she was texting off and on and calling to ramble about her horrible marriage and I asked him to stop talking to her but he'd always sya there was nothing going on and she was a sad and pathetic person.

 

Blah...remember it all makes me so sick right now.

 

Just hang in there. You're not alone.

 

All the doubt/questions/insecurities happen when I am by myself.

Everything goes on and on in my mind until I make myself sick.

 

Spark 1111, your H's situation was very similar to my husband. He was a workaholic.But he was devoted to his family and me. But he got a big shock at work and was completely destroyed emotionally. He felt worthless and was depressed. He needed an ego boost, I suppose. He definitely liked the attention.

 

I can't understand how it lasted so long.......seriously, I am NOT a stupid woman. But I feel so stupid now.

And I think that is one of the problems. He is doing and saying all the right things. He is emotionally exhausted by all this (but who cares???) and wants us to work it out.

We are having counselling.

I am seeing a psychologist so i can learn anger boundaries .

All the 'experts' tell me what I am feeling etc is normal.

It is just that my mind keeps on going over and over and over everything.

It just never stops.

 

So, bottom line, I know WHY it started from his side..

I even know why it started from HER side....her husband had just had an affair, wanted to leave, but stayed because of the kids.For her, it was a revenge affair I suppose. And she envied my happy marriage

This describes her perfectly :

 

"Spider Woman

There are women who, by nature romantics, don't quite want to escape their own life and die for love. Instead they'd rather have some guy wreck his life for them. These women have been so recently betrayed by unfaithful men that the wound is still raw and they are out for revenge. A woman who angrily pursues married men is a "spider woman"—she requires human sacrifice to restore her sense of power.

 

When she is sucking the blood from other people's marriages, she feels some relief from the pain of having her own marriage betrayed. She simply requires that a man love her enough to sacrifice his life for her. She may be particularly attracted to happy marriages, clearly envious of the woman whose husband is faithful and loving to her. Sometimes it isn't clear whether she wants to replace the happy wife or just make her miserable.

 

The women who are least squeamish and most likely to wreak havoc on other people's marriages are victims of some sort of abuse, so angry that they don't feel bound by the usual rules or obligations, so desperate that they cling to any source of security, and so miserable that they don't bother to think a bit of the end of it."

 

Can't work out why it continued for so long......I think he felt that because they met only

about 6 times/year, in the park , didn't have sex a lot etc, that it was SORT of OK.

I think he felt trapped - but by me or her??????????

[confusedandhurt2002]

I forgot to add my husband met her a couple times a month, usually in a parking lot and someone with them, and says he slept with her once so I think that's how he justified it for so long too!

 

All the doubt/questions/insecurities happen when I am by myself.

Everything goes on and on in my mind until I make myself sick.

 

Spark 1111, your H's situation was very similar to my husband. He was a workaholic.But he was devoted to his family and me. But he got a big shock at work and was completely destroyed emotionally. He felt worthless and was depressed. He needed an ego boost, I suppose. He definitely liked the attention.

 

I can't understand how it lasted so long.......seriously, I am NOT a stupid woman. But I feel so stupid now.

And I think that is one of the problems. He is doing and saying all the right things. He is emotionally exhausted by all this (but who cares???) and wants us to work it out.

We are having counselling.

I am seeing a psychologist so i can learn anger boundaries .

All the 'experts' tell me what I am feeling etc is normal.

It is just that my mind keeps on going over and over and over everything.

It just never stops.

 

So, bottom line, I know WHY it started from his side..

I even know why it started from HER side....her husband had just had an affair, wanted to leave, but stayed because of the kids.For her, it was a revenge affair I suppose. And she envied my happy marriage

This describes her perfectly :

 

"Spider Woman

There are women who, by nature romantics, don't quite want to escape their own life and die for love. Instead they'd rather have some guy wreck his life for them. These women have been so recently betrayed by unfaithful men that the wound is still raw and they are out for revenge. A woman who angrily pursues married men is a "spider woman"—she requires human sacrifice to restore her sense of power.

 

When she is sucking the blood from other people's marriages, she feels some relief from the pain of having her own marriage betrayed. She simply requires that a man love her enough to sacrifice his life for her. She may be particularly attracted to happy marriages, clearly envious of the woman whose husband is faithful and loving to her. Sometimes it isn't clear whether she wants to replace the happy wife or just make her miserable.

 

The women who are least squeamish and most likely to wreak havoc on other people's marriages are victims of some sort of abuse, so angry that they don't feel bound by the usual rules or obligations, so desperate that they cling to any source of security, and so miserable that they don't bother to think a bit of the end of it."

 

Can't work out why it continued for so long......I think he felt that because they met only

about 6 times/year, in the park , didn't have sex a lot etc, that it was SORT of OK.

I think he felt trapped - but by me or her??????????

[frogss29]

Having a good day today Feeling so much stronger and more 'me'.

Reading the 180 thing helped me get back on track and remember I have choices.

For the past two months I have felt like a victim and I hated feeling so weak and insecure.

I am sure I will feel that way again but will now take positive steps to limit it.

For some strange reason, our marriage is SO much stronger now.

Why is that??????

Either way, I intend to make positive plans for me so no matter what happens it will be OK.

[confusedandhurt2002]

I so often ask if he felt more trapped by her or me.

 

All I know is that after it all came out he said he told a counselor, when the man asked, that I was the one he wanted to grow old with. When the man asked him to close his eyes and picture who he wanted to be sitting on a porch with rocking together in his old age who was it. He said he didn't even hesitate and knew it was me.

 

I've asked him over and over why he didn't leave me and he always says "I didn't want to. I just didn't want to."

 

But he can't answer, then, what she offered him that I didn't...why he needed us both. To me, she was the attention he needed while I was sick and trying to get my health back, even if all she did was complain most of the time when they talked. She was such a negative person and still is from what I hear.

 

She moved away, thankfully.

[confusedandhurt2002]

I can also relate to the stronger marriage. Sometimes we act like we are dating again. Running off together to kiss or have sex somewhere and laughing and smiling about it.

 

Other days are rough though. And I know about the yo-yo of emotions! So glad today is a good one!

 

Having a good day today Feeling so much stronger and more 'me'.

Reading the 180 thing helped me get back on track and remember I have choices.

For the past two months I have felt like a victim and I hated feeling so weak and insecure.

I am sure I will feel that way again but will now take positive steps to limit it.

For some strange reason, our marriage is SO much stronger now.

Why is that??????

Either way, I intend to make positive plans for me so no matter what happens it will be OK.

[Spark1111]

Having a good day today Feeling so much stronger and more 'me'.

Reading the 180 thing helped me get back on track and remember I have choices.

For the past two months I have felt like a victim and I hated feeling so weak and insecure.

I am sure I will feel that way again but will now take positive steps to limit it.

For some strange reason, our marriage is SO much stronger now.

Why is that??????

Either way, I intend to make positive plans for me so no matter what happens it will be OK.

 

yes, keep reading Dr. Frank Pittman....and Dr. Shirley Glass and a few other Infidelity Gurus....They have seen it all.

 

I, too, had a Spidey Woman. Daddy left when she was a little girl and her H left with his xAP in a TRUE exit affair....and they seem very happy today.

 

My H was not her first MM....we would learn later. In fact, she STILL competes with me....many years later. sad, no?

 

Your M is stronger because your H is finally investing 100% into it....like I bet you had always wished he would. Wonderful, no? Enjoy it. You deserve it even IF you are unsure if you can trust him yet....if ever.

 

you DO have choices. You will ALWAYS have choices. Never forget that.