imaginarium Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 I fully intended to lurk forever, but I have a problem that my RL friends aren't helping me with, as my dating history is pretty varied and many of them are with their first or second loves. If you don't feel like reading, the last paragraph is the heart of the question. I am a 30 year old female. Dated on and off since around 15. Most of my relationships were normal, hit their ends after boredom, incompatibility, or distance after a year or two. However in 2007 I met someone I thought was the one. We had a very intense 2 year relationship and on and off FWB for another year. By the time we were done my self esteem was gone. I went from hopeless romantic to heartless because I couldn't risk anyone getting close to me. I dated one person after and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't let him in, so I ended it and stayed single and celibate for over a year trying to piece myself back together. I met a man online. We hit it off and talked on the phone and texted, but when it came time to meet I backed out. After a month we sent each other a message at the exact same moment. We talked again but again the thought of getting close to anyone bothered me and I bailed. Finally a few weeks later he sent a text, saying he got a new phone and even though he deleted my number on his old phone, it updated to the new one, so he thought it was a sign to try one more time. This time we met. We had a great chemistry. Hung out often. He was always the chaser. I made it clear I was unsure how I would be in a relationship and he was very patient. He asked me to meet his son after a couple of months, said he's only introduced him to 2 other girlfriends, the ones he felt had real potential. I balked for a few weeks but finally did. I got along well with his son. I let them in. He stopped calling me after Christmas. Said he was in a funk, this happens, give him some time. After 2 weeks of no contact (we didn't have a fight, and I spent the night with no issues right before this happened), I went to his house. He didn't try to hug or kiss me, so after an hour I went to leave. He asked if I was okay, I said no, and then he launched into a spiel about how his job sucks and he's messed up and can't focus on me and himself, but didn't break up with me, said talk to you tomorrow and kissed me. After 5 days more NC I deleted him from my FB so I wouldn't be tempted to act crazy. He texts me 30 seconds later saying "so much for you waiting and giving me time." I told him he was hurting my feelings and if he could tell me how to help him let me know, and he has never texted or called me again. So, I was already gunshy and now I feel like I jumped in expecting too much after 5 months. My friends tell me to stop being so closed off and let people in, but this guy made me feel like a crazy obsessive person just for expecting him to care about me. I feel like I see all these people around me that say I love you on date two and move in after a month, and here I am trying to maintain my own life and not jump in head first and I still feel like I gave too much away too soon. What are reasonable expectations for how you should feel toward someone you have been in an exclusive, committed relationship with for half a year?? When do you start to let people really in?? PS he invited me to meet his family for thanksgiving but they all fight and I thought it was too soon for that so I declined. I did not invite him to meet my family but a few friends.
Frank2thepoint Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 I think you are, unintentionally, still holding on to the intense two year relationship that affected your self-esteem. You may not directly think of it, but ever since then, you closed yourself off. Before you ask when is the right time to let your guard down for a new relationship, you must first ask yourself when will you allow yourself to fully heal so you can be ready for a new relationship.
KatZee Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 You're just going to have to take a leap of faith. I think you have a lot of fear in you and it's not going to just magically go away. You're going to have to put yourself out there and risk being hurt. I think because he messaged you after a period of time and tried again, you are free to do so as well. He has been the chaser and so if you want to be with this man you need to be 1,000% candid, honest, open, and vulnerable. He had wanted you to be patient... he has been MORE than patient with you, and instead of giving him your patience you cut him off. It's like a slap in the face after how accommodating he has been with you.
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