I'm new here...

[TaylorLane]

Hey everyone! So I just wrote this long, introduction and I was just about done, and then for some reason the page refreshed on it's own and I lost everything!!

 

 

Ugh ... whatever that's just my luck for ya...lol

 

 

Here's a short version ...

 

 

Well I'm the [OW].

It's been [over a year].

He's [] older than me.

Our "relationship" is close to normal most of the time.

It's what a "typical" boyfriend/girlfriend in love relationship is...

Text everyday, together all the time, dinners, friends, bars ect..

AND We're super in love with eachother..

 

 

With the exception that he's still married and goes home...

 

 

My Perspective:

I don't have any false hopes, I don't dabble in fantasy land, and I know it's just a matter of time before I have to walk...

...Been getting super restless lately

 

 

 

His Perspective:

He thinks I'm not going anywhere and treats this relationship like it's just going to go on like this forever, Plus combine that with the every now and then typical MM speech of "I wanna be with you, I'm gonna leave" I'm gonna bla bla bla" and then as usual nothing happens...

He's a daydreamer and thinks we're gonna end up together, Which I don't really understand because he's fantastic at doing absolutely nothing about it.

 

 

 

So that's my story...summarized..

 

Please feel free to ask me anything

Edited January 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
PII anonymized

[ComingInHot]

So, Taylor lane... do You have a question? Other than risking posters picking a part your post and trying to read into such little information, maybe come up with some "thing" you are looking for insight on**

[Snipercatt]

Welcome, Taylor.

[sunburned]

Hey everyone! So I just wrote this long, introduction and I was just about done, and then for some reason the page refreshed on it's own and I lost everything!!

 

 

Ugh ... whatever that's just my luck for ya...lol

 

 

Here's a short version ...

 

 

Well I'm the [OW].

It's been [over a year].

He's [] older than me.

Our "relationship" is close to normal most of the time.

It's what a "typical" boyfriend/girlfriend in love relationship is...

Text everyday, together all the time, dinners, friends, bars ect..

AND We're super in love with eachother..

 

 

With the exception that he's still married and goes home...

 

My Perspective:

I don't have any false hopes, I don't dabble in fantasy land, and I know it's just a matter of time before I have to walk...

...Been getting super restless lately

 

 

 

His Perspective:

He thinks I'm not going anywhere and treats this relationship like it's just going to go on like this forever, Plus combine that with the every now and then typical MM speech of "I wanna be with you, I'm gonna leave" I'm gonna bla bla bla" and then as usual nothing happens...

He's a daydreamer and thinks we're gonna end up together, Which I don't really understand because he's fantastic at doing absolutely nothing about it.

 

 

 

So that's my story...summarized..

 

Please feel free to ask me anything

That is one big glaring exception, alright!

 

 

Are you here for help and courage getting out of this R? Or are you looking for ways to cope while staying in the R? Or are you undecided? There are posters of all stripes here so ... welcome!

 

 

At least you recognize the "typical MM speech" as not necessarily being truthful, especially if there's been no action toward that step in two years. Statistically speaking (always exceptions), there never will be.

 

 

Are you happy being the "super" secret optional relationship? We don't know your age, but (assuming 20s or 30s) are you OK with missing the best years for meeting someone available, a guy with whom you could potentially start a family?

 

 

And of course he'd be happy to let the relationship go on forever or 'til Dday, whichever comes first. He's getting the best of both worlds.

Edited January 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed quote

[TaylorLane]

So, Taylor lane... do You have a question? Other than risking posters picking a part your post and trying to read into such little information, maybe come up with some "thing" you are looking for insight on**

 

 

 

No question in this post in particular... hence the "I'm new here and thought I'd introduce myself.."

So picking a part my post for introducing myself? Seems like you already got that down pretty good.

 

 

And sorry for the "such little information" as I'm pretty sure I had mentioned, I wrote a long thing and it accidently got deleted.

 

 

Thanks for the welcoming, warm, & fuzzy feeling

[lollipopspot]

how does he manage dinners, mutual friends, and frequent texts, while being secretive to his wife?

[TaylorLane]

That is one big glaring exception, alright!

 

 

Are you here for help and courage getting out of this R? Or are you looking for ways to cope while staying in the R? Or are you undecided? There are posters of all stripes here so ... welcome!

 

 

At least you recognize the "typical MM speech" as not necessarily being truthful, especially if there's been no action toward that step in two years. Statistically speaking (always exceptions), there never will be.

 

 

Are you happy being the "super" secret optional relationship? We don't know your age, but (assuming 20s or 30s) are you OK with missing the best years for meeting someone available, a guy with whom you could potentially start a family?

 

 

And of course he'd be happy to let the relationship go on forever or 'til Dday, whichever comes first. He's getting the best of both worlds.

 

 

 

Heya Sunburned

 

 

I am here, because it seems like it would be nice to have others with similar experiences who can relate to you.

I also posted another thread about leaving, because yes at some point I know I will need to walk...

 

 

Yep I pretty much got the typical MM speech down for sure LOL

 

 

I am 30

 

 

and yes I'm just starting to pick up on the lingo here, but I think DDay has already happened? Does it count though if it was denied to the BS? I'm not sure if it was like a real DDay or a suspicion of a DDay? lol

 

 

..and thank you for actually being nice to me

[TaylorLane]

how does he manage dinners, mutual friends, and frequent texts, while being secretive to his wife?

 

 

 

I've been curious about this myself! My friends even ask me how the hell he pulls this **** off.

 

 

We txt all hours of the day/night regardless if he's home and what time it is.

He's with me 5 nights a week, and pretty much stays here Fridays and Saturdays till at least 4-5 am, occasionally a little later.

 

 

He must tell her he's at the bars till that time?

(they don't close here till 4am)

 

 

We don't really talk about it, but one time I did ask him and his response was that they "don't really talk much, unless it's about the kids, and that she never asks"

 

 

Would that be considered denial? This has gone on for almost 2 years now that he hasn't spent a single Friday or Saturday night with her, Plus all the other times during the week.. but just that in itself I feel is a red flag or at least it would be to me.

[lollipopspot]

Would that be considered denial?

 

Denial maybe in that they don't talk about it, but surely she knows something is up. Is she financially insecure, or is there another reason why she would want to hold onto the marriage? Why does he want to hold on? How old are the kids? Basically it seems they're living as roommates.

[TaylorLane]

Denial maybe in that they don't talk about it, but surely she knows something is up. Is she financially insecure, or is there another reason why she would want to hold onto the marriage? Why does he want to hold on? How old are the kids? Basically it seems they're living as roommates.

 

 

 

To my knowledge

She never cared to ask, and didn't think anything of it until...

About a month ago, He got a parking ticket outside my place one night, forgot to pay it, and it got mailed to his house.

 

 

He told me that, She google mapped it and saw it was a residential area with no bars around

 

 

So I think his lie of being at a bar, worked up until this point.

 

 

He said he denied it but she knew he's with someone now, then he said he was relieved in a way? Not sure I get that part.

 

 

It was hell for him at home and he kept telling me he wanted to leave, and that she was telling him to leave too. He was asking if he could stay with me until he found his own apartment.

 

 

I told him no and wouldn't let him do it.

 

 

I told him once things calm down he won't feel that way. I told him it's better things stay the way they are, than to create even more drama if he were to leave and then decide to go back, I said I don't think it's really what you want, and I may have mentioned that I think he likes having it both ways...

 

I pretty much reality checked him

 

 

Of course he said I was wrong, bla bla bla.

But GUESS WHAT...

After a few days, we never spoke about it again, he never brought it up, I never brought it up, and he's continued living there and it's now a month later!! What a surprise!!!!! lol

 

So is that considered a DDay?

 

 

 

And if it is, and now she knows and he's caught...

He hasn't changed one single thing with us, and the way we see each other.

 

 

So my only guess is that he must be one hell of liar if he managed to not only convince her she's wrong and continue with the same habit of never being home and managing to keep up this "hanging out at a bar" lie going...

How else is he pulling this off?

 

 

In answer to your other questions;

 

 

He's very well off, and she is used to living a certain way which may be why she's holding on? I don't know?

 

 

And he thinks he's gonna loose everything and doesn't know how he wouldn't

 

I also think he just likes it both ways. Even if they are living like roomates, his "roommate" cooks, cleans, and takes care of the kids and the house, he gets to live there while the house is ran for him, plus have a girlfriend on the side that fulfills the psychical and emotional needs that he's lacking. If that's not a typical MM description right there then I don't know what is!! LOL

But why would anyone want to give that up, MM's get to have it both ways!

 

 

He does claim they basically are roommates, that he sleeps in their finished basement, and co-parent and that's it.

 

 

Their kids ages are like from 11-19

Edited January 21, 2014 by TaylorLane

[whichwayisup]

He is very good at lying and saying the right thing obviously. don't judge her for that, he's her husband and is playing 'the part.' Keep in mind, you know he's lying to her anyway by having an A with you so don't fool yourself into thinking he's never lied or omitted truths to you, exagerated truths to suit him in the best possible light in your eyes.

 

He is married still because he is where he wants to be. He does not have the balls to come clean and end it, divorce. Neither does his wife. they are OK with how things are and you may not like that, but it's their marriage/their life/ dynamic and it works for them.

 

He does claim they basically are roommates, that he sleeps in their finished basement, and co-parent and that's it.

 

Do you believe this? Really think about it.

[sweet_pea]

Dang, when does he find time for his kids if he's with you, texting you, etc. all the time?

[TaylorLane]

He is very good at lying and saying the right thing obviously. don't judge her for that, he's her husband and is playing 'the part.' Keep in mind, you know he's lying to her anyway by having an A with you so don't fool yourself into thinking he's never lied or omitted truths to you, exagerated truths to suit him in the best possible light in your eyes.

 

He is married still because he is where he wants to be. He does not have the balls to come clean and end it, divorce. Neither does his wife. they are OK with how things are and you may not like that, but it's their marriage/their life/ dynamic and it works for them.

 

 

 

Do you believe this? Really think about it.

 

 

 

 

Yes like I said I got the whole MM talk pretty much down...

 

 

#1 I am not judging her.

I was asked a question how he is pulling this off and I was simply answering and telling my experience.

 

 

#2 Of course I know he lies/exaggerates/ omitted truths to me too, no doubt about it...

 

 

#3 Yep got that part of its bc its where he wants to be, stated that in the "he likes it both ways" part

 

 

#4 I may not like that?

When did I ever say I may not like that... ?

 

 

#5 of course I don't believe that... please make note at my attempts of wording "he claims" multiple times..

[TaylorLane]

Dang, when does he find time for his kids if he's with you, texting you, etc. all the time?

 

 

 

I'm assuming during the day time hours, but I don't question him with this, it's none of my business.

[goodyblue]

Hi there.

 

 

I notice people all the time that say "Gee how does he have time for anything else when he is with you all the time"... not really a valid question, because clearly they do. Mine did.

 

Also, my guy also slept apart from his ex. Said they were just roommates. Turned out he was not kidding.

 

We've been in a committed relationship for some time now and we are doing really well.

 

Got_it says some interesting things, I notice, that are always helpful to me, one of them being 'what doyou want? Then just go from there.

 

And welcome.

Edited January 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[jennifersmith]

Welcome!

 

That sounds like a very strange relationship. Aside from the wife, he has kids at home that he don't see and spent all days and nights with a girlfriend? He might be sugar daddy quality (as you mentioned he is very well off), but would that be what you want for a husband? Disregard the fact that you might not have kids with him in the future, it is most likely that (again if he's very well off and you are 15 years younger than him) he will want (or meet) someone younger in a few yrs time.

 

If the wife is living a certain lifestyle, she will stay in that lifestyle (or even a better lifestyle) with alimony and half of his everything? And if he were to marry you, you would have half of his everything too. That sounds daunting to someone that is very well off.

 

Though, I would say, since you love him now, just enjoy the moment. Since everything is lay out now (the wife knows about the relationship already), if you are happy at this state, just enjoy it now and move on when you find some thing better.

Edited January 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sweet_pea]

Hi there.

 

I notice people all the time that say "Gee how does he have time for anything else when he is with you all the time"... not really a valid question, because clearly they do. Mine did.

Also, my guy also slept apart from his ex. Said they were just roommates. Turned out he was not kidding.

 

We've been in a committed relationship for some time now and we are doing really well.

 

Got_it says some interesting things, I notice, that are always helpful to me, one of them being 'what doyou want? Then just go from there.

 

And welcome.

 

This was probably aimed at me... but it is a very valid question. If he spends his nights and weekends with her, and assuming his children are in school during the day, I was curious when he makes time for them. But, hey, just me wondering

Edited January 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited quote

[veryhappy]

You are 30 and he's an alcoholic, lousy father and terrible husband quality.

 

I suggest you let that poor woman deal with her nightmare, and find somebody who can offer you a real life and future. Time is running against you at this point. If you want to jump this guy, I'm pretty certain he'll be up got it 10 years from now if that's what you'll still want.

[awkward]

Well it seems like you have a good grasp on the relationship. You both are enjoying each other. And hey, at least you won't ever get the "I'm staying for the kids" line because that would just be hilarious.

 

Do you know if he is home on Sunday or if he does hobbies on that day? I sure hope the mom is there for her kids.

[TaylorLane]

these two statements contradict one another. she told him to leave. she's not holding on to him.

 

I also think he just likes it both ways. Even if they are living like roomates, his "roommate" cooks, cleans, and takes care of the kids and the house, he gets to live there while the house is ran for him, plus have a girlfriend on the side that fulfills the psychical and emotional needs that he's lacking. If that's not a typical MM description right there then I don't know what is!! LOL

But why would anyone want to give that up, MM's get to have it both ways!

 

 

He does claim they basically are roommates, that he sleeps in their finished basement, and co-parent and that's it.

 

so... basically, he's using her? he keeps her around because she does stuff for him like some sort of personal maid. if they are "roommates" who remain married for convenience, why has he not asked her for an open relationship or to work out some sort of arrangement? if she no longer has romantic feelings for him, she shouldn't care if he is with someone else. she could even find someone else for herself too. why hide it?

 

 

 

....you mean when they're in school from 8 to 3 (+1 hour give or take on both ends for the bus/commute time)? he sounds like a deadbeat dad who is neglecting his kids.

 

it should concern you if you want him to leave his wife and be with you. these kids will one day be your stepkids should you get married, and you may have kids of your own with him one day. what do you want from this situation? where do you see yourself in 5 years if you choose to remain in this relationship?

 

 

 

 

 

I was simply answering questions I was asked

 

 

... so If the first statement contradicts one another it was taken out of context. One is what happened, and the other is the answer to "why does she choose to stay". I'm not really here to try to analyze that though.

 

 

And as far as the "he likes it both ways comment"

Yes what you're saying makes sense in a normal world.

But it does not apply to an MM world

Do we not know that's every single typical MM, they don't leave and they like it both ways. We could analyze it forever, but why bother it's just the way it is.

 

 

And he is not a deadbeat dad! I don't really appreciate that comment..

Did I ever say we start our nights out at 3pm in the afternoon!!???

Does that even sound like it makes sense???!!!

He is super involved and is nothing of the sort.

My point was it is none of my business to question his schedule with them.

 

 

And no, it really doesn't concern me that he "claims" he wants to leave. It's talk and it's not gonna happen.

I see myself not with him in 5 years, I can tell you that

I plan to walk if that's what you're asking

Edited January 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[goodyblue]

This was probably aimed at me... but it is a very valid question. If he spends his nights and weekends with her, and assuming his children are in school during the day, I was curious when he makes time for them. But, hey, just me wondering

 

I actually didn't mean you personally, which was why I didn't quote you. I just meant that sometimes people ask this question in a way to be cruel and say "Well, obviously he is ignoring his wife and you are taking time from his children", or "Well, obviously he neglects you and you get breadcrumbs because he is always at home with his wife and/or children". Either scenario means someone loses, someone is treated poorly, that the MM is making a decision to be a jerk, and I don't think it's valid that it is always one or the other. Sometimes BS's don't notice a single, solitary change in their WS because they don't ever spend time together anyway. Sometimes the OW doesn't need to be coddled every second. And if they do need a little more attention, they get it. My guy and I would text in the morning, during work, in the evening, before we went to sleep. We would talk on the phone at least twice a day, for long conversations. MM make time. I guess my point is that someone isn't always being horribly neglected. Is it fair to split time? Probably not. And I DO think there will probably come a time when there is a shift.

 

Anyway, that was all I meant. xx I kinda used your question as a segue, but not because I thought you were being cruel.

[TaylorLane]

TO CominginHot, Goodyblue, and SweetPea

 

 

I totally understand and appreciate what you're saying.

 

 

I didn't mean to get defensive [CIH], it's just in my nature when I feel like it's being dished out to me, I dish it back lol and I do appreciate your intentions.

 

 

I just feel like I came on here with a good reality of what the MM is, looking for others who can relate, and help me on my journey to walk and instead you're all right about the not so nice comments once in awhile and other useless digs... Goody thank you for relating and pointing that out..

 

 

And SweetPea there's nothing wrong with you being curious and asking a valid question, I think she meant after it is answered when the issue is still pushed..

 

 

Like that "deadbeat dad" comment... I mean really?! Some comments are just not necessary

Edited January 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TaylorLane]

You are 30 and he's an alcoholic, lousy father and terrible husband quality.

 

I suggest you let that poor woman deal with her nightmare, and find somebody who can offer you a real life and future. Time is running against you at this point. If you want to jump this guy, I'm pretty certain he'll be up got it 10 years from now if that's what you'll still want.

 

 

 

I appreciate some of your feedback but he is not an alcoholic nor is he a lousy father.

[TaylorLane]

Well it seems like you have a good grasp on the relationship. You both are enjoying each other. And hey, at least you won't ever get the "I'm staying for the kids" line because that would just be hilarious.

 

Do you know if he is home on Sunday or if he does hobbies on that day? I sure hope the mom is there for her kids.

 

 

 

Thanks Awkward, yes I have a pretty good grasp on the reality of the MM relationship, lol

 

 

Yea "staying for the kids" doesn't make sense to me, as you know, you seem like you read my post about that lol

 

 

and yes he is home on Sundays

[awkward]

You said:

 

Text everyday, together all the time, dinners, friends, bars ect..

 

 

Please feel free to ask me anything

 

 

We txt all hours of the day/night regardless if he's home and what time it is.

He's with me 5 nights a week, and pretty much stays here Fridays and Saturdays till at least 4-5 am, occasionally a little later.

 

 

He must tell her he's at the bars till that time?

(they don't close here till 4am)

 

...This has gone on for almost 2 years now that he hasn't spent a single Friday or Saturday night with her, Plus all the other times during the week.. but just that in itself I feel is a red flag or at least it would be to me.

 

It is a logical conclusion if he hasn't spent a single Friday or Saturday night with her for two years because he is with you, that he hasn't spent them with his children either. If he is texting you at all hours of the day and night, even when he is home, he would appear to be focused on you and not his children.

 

Perhaps you exaggerated the time that you two actually spend together or communicating, or perhaps you never realized that he is an absent father. Maybe clarifying would be helpful. I admit that I read your posts and immediately thought he is the kind of father that would rather spend time with his mistress than his kids because you portrayed it as he spends SO MUCH of his time with you or texting you.

 

I appreciate some of your feedback but he is not an alcoholic nor is he a lousy father.

 

The alcoholism wasn't such a huge leap. You talked about his wife believing he was at the bars on the nights he is with you, which you stated was 5 nights a week. And that you two do go to bars together. Do you think he doesn't drink at home and that his wife just thinks he likes to drink excessively?

 

I hate that your original post got ate up. Perhaps there wouldn't be so much confusion. Also, remember all we know about your relationship is what you wrote, not what it actually is. So you see what it is, and we are just seeing what you were telling us but maybe the first post had less confusion.

Edited January 21, 2014 by awkward