trippi1432 Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Thanks, yeah he was always on the kids case. He used to stress out if she was making a mess eating, it never bothered me, easily cleaned and bathed if necasary. Things are so much more calmer without him around, but its early days yet, Im suprised I havnt had more people round persuading me to take him back, thats what usually happens. I was thinking about a trial separation, but looking at whats written, it seems unlikly it will work, and I think hel just think he just has to put up with it for 6 months and we can go back to the way we were. Admittedly, that is one of the things I do like about my exH being gone....the peaceful living. Sunday Girl - You are processing a lot of course and you are seeing the good and the bad. It's becoming a very good list of the behavior you will accept and what you won't accept. You should put it to paper so you can prioritize it. Agreed, a lot of it sounds like he is trying to appease you and, more than likely, it won't stick. He's not modified how he treats you or the kids in seven years and, by what you have stated, it's gotten to threats of violence. Why, who knows, but he has some internal issues he needs to get some help for and only he can do that for himself. Like you said, it's the early days yet....but continue to stand firm and do not let him skimp on how his behavior is affecting everyone's ability to be happy. And if he is a "blamer" (which I'm betting he is), make him own up to his behavior and see himself. Our son learned this behavior from 13 years of being exposed to it, it's taken me several years now (he's 18) to make him aware of his behavior, but it's getting better. Good for you to stand up for yourself and the kids on wanting a healthy and happy home.
Author Sunday Girl Posted January 22, 2014 Author Posted January 22, 2014 Thank you for this. His emails have turned from ones of how wonderful he can be, to how horrible he has been and how I deserve better and he is a horrible person etc. I dont know if this is another tactic or he is just starting to accept his behaviour. What do people think of a 6 month separation trial? with MC? I do feel like I owe it to him and my marriage to at least try, what are peoples thoughts on it? x
trippi1432 Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 It's hard to know without examples of the emails and how they are being patterned.....and if he just saying what you have stated above without specifics. Does he specify the behavior and have a plan for changing it? Has he related to how you truly feel or is it a band-aid? Granted, what you have listed so far, some can be just frustrations that have turned to resentments and some are deplorable behaviors that need to be addressed and reconciled to never happen again. If I may: Yelling at a two year old for making a mess - Not acceptable (I hated when my exH did this as well) Children get dirty, point blank, they are children. Ranting and Raving - I'm assuming here but based on some things you have said, it sounds like he is a ranter....I came to loathe my exH for this. Unacceptable. Treat people in the house with dignity and respect. You have a problem, talk like adults and use big people language. Ranters have the mental capacity of a 3 year old. Sports-fantic - I assume drinking goes along with this and the buddies. There needs to be agreement to meet in the middle on this one. He needs to spend as much time with you and the kids in a healthy environment as much as he loves his sports. This is one I chalk up to the man who golfed every single day and came home to an empty house because he ignored his wife/kids and their needs as well. (If he is ritualistic like my ExH was....this one will be the one that breaks the camels back) Taking out loans behind your back - Not acceptable EVER. Finances should always be agreed upon. I hated when mine did this and he actually left me with $6k in debt when he left on loans like this. While I did co-sign those, the manipulation and blaming to coerce me to sign was over the top....please do not let him to continue doing this. Do you owe him another try....actually no. He owes it to you to straighten up, grow up and be a husband. He couldn't do that in his first marriage, but he needs to learn that what he never accepted as his behavior there is exactly what is spilling over to this one. Do you owe the marriage to at least try? That is up to you, no one ever wants to give up on their marriage, but it should not be about losing yourself in the process. I would suggest a six month separation with him working on his issues for 2 of those months to start. Then if you see changed behavior, you could join him in MC, but he needs IC first by himself. My ex-Sis-in-Law posted this last night and I posted it on my thread, but I feel it would be good for you to see this as well. The bolded ones are what I wish I had stopped doing and got out while I still felt I had some sanity. "Stop trying to change someone who doesn't want to change. Stop giving chances to someone who abuses your forgiveness. Stop walking back to the place where your heart ran from. Stop trusting their words, and ignoring their actions. Stop giving your all to a person who gives you nothing. Stop fighting for a relationship when you're standing in the ring alone. Stop breaking your own heart."
Author Sunday Girl Posted January 25, 2014 Author Posted January 25, 2014 Well he came round yesterday after spending a week at his brothers, he was so remorseful, he said he totally takes responsibility for whats happend. I asked him why hes behaved like he has. He said he just "got lost" and realises he was just living life for himself, not for me and the children. Initially he didnt want to move out, but I explained that if I took him back now, things would return to the way they were and I couldnt have that. We sat down and looked through the finances, and We contacted a landlord about a flat. Hes going to view one tonight. Hes been so caring and loving I just hope Im doing the right thing. Hes already contacted relate without me prompting and hes organising mc for us. He said he wants to begin dating again and he wants to cook me meals etc. He said he is still madly in love with me and will do anything I want to make it work. My fear (beng insecure) is that he will enjoy the single life and not return, but I suppose thats the chance you take with these things. Any advice on trial separations? dos and donts etc?
Yarrow Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 If he enjoys the single life and doesn't come back, then you know you did the right thing. Frankly, it looks like he's been enjoying the single life even with you around. I stand by what I said before. If you take him back, you know exactly what to expect. It won't be any different from the other dozen or so times you've taken him back.
trippi1432 Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 Well he came round yesterday after spending a week at his brothers, he was so remorseful, he said he totally takes responsibility for whats happend. I asked him why hes behaved like he has. He said he just "got lost" and realises he was just living life for himself, not for me and the children. Initially he didnt want to move out, but I explained that if I took him back now, things would return to the way they were and I couldnt have that. We sat down and looked through the finances, and We contacted a landlord about a flat. Hes going to view one tonight. Hes been so caring and loving I just hope Im doing the right thing. Hes already contacted relate without me prompting and hes organising mc for us. He said he wants to begin dating again and he wants to cook me meals etc. He said he is still madly in love with me and will do anything I want to make it work. My fear (beng insecure) is that he will enjoy the single life and not return, but I suppose thats the chance you take with these things. Any advice on trial separations? dos and donts etc? I think that trial separations can work as long as both know that they are working on their issues with an agreement on working on the marriage as well. Hopefully when you stated that he wanted to date, he meant date his wife, which is the right frame of mind if he does truly care about the marriage and wants to get it back on track. On the part of your fear that he might like the single life, it is the chance that you have to take; however, if he is seeing his ways and doing these things because he doesn't want to lose you or the marriage, consider that his frame of mind might actually be the same. What's to stop him from fearing that you may actually not want him back because you prefer life without him. That's the point of a separation, to figure out what each wants, what each needs to work on, if the marriage can survive and both bring back to the table an agreement on how the marriage needs to be in the future. Those that can't come to an agreement, typically move on to divorce after that. The thing is, the marriage was not thriving, you and the kids were not thriving in a healthy and loving environment and you all deserve that. I agree, taking him back would just affirm that he can go back to the previous behavior pattern. Continue to stand firm on the issues. You may want to talk to the MC about a "controlled separation" or also known as a "healing separation" where there is an agreement on the time and gives way to personal growth while quality time is also a piece of the separation....but I would not let go and just forgive the behavior unless it is addressed and worked on in the counseling.
beach Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 He seems to have the single life down just fine. Until he shows proof that he understands what married actions are supposed to look like - for an extended time - there's nothing to really discuss.
sadman37 Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Hi. I suggest doing what my wife did. Leave. Either he will wake up and realize what he has, with you, or he will move on. You now have to set firm boundaries that he cannot and will not cross. Be strong. After you leave him..... If he has some realization and changes how he treats you, then great. If he moves on, then you can find a better man, one who will cherish you forever. My wife separated from me about 14 weeks ago, and I have come to some realizations, and I have changed a lot. However, I did not treat my wife the way your husband treats you.....I did do bad things, though, and I deserve to lose her. Your husband deserves to lose you. 1
Author Sunday Girl Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 Thank you so much for the continual support. He went to view a flat last night and the landlord has been absolutely lovely. He has given him the keys and said that he usually rents out for no less than 6 months at a time but if we manage to reconcile sooner than that its no problem. He always says about all the wonderful things we are going to do and how great its going to be, but it never happens. So yes, Ive taken action this time and stuck to it. Ive told him I will attend MC if he sorts it (Im usually the one to organise etc) so Ill see if that happens too. Yes he wants to date me. Our relationship never had a honey moon period. I met him when he was nearly divorced, he was suicidal and in a lot of debt, he needed a friend to care for him and help him through the dreadful custody battle that commenced. Hes now debt free, in good shape (lost 4 stone) happy in his job and has accepted the contact he has with his daughter who is 10 now. We never really had chance to wine and dine each other, it was straight into all the crap. Due to the large amount of debt he had it made things pretty tight. But that isnt an issue now. I do really hope he says what he means and he works hard the next few months to prove he wants me and the kids, if not, then Ive done the right thing anyways for all of us. Will keep posting, this forum has been a lifeline to me. My friends are great but get too emotionally involved with it if you know what I mean. xx 1
beach Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Any person who does future faking isn't worth bothering with. If/when he stops the empty promises and just starts DOING what he has in mind - that would be progress. Even if he does begin to show evidence of changed behavior - you need to see it consistently for a good year to begin to believe it. I wouldn't put any time frame on him staying in his own place - he has a tn of work to do on bettering himself before beginning with a new relationship with him/if at all. While he's on his own - he's going to have major proof to show that he's not out living the single life while he's on his own. He's going to need to grow the heck up and learn how to consider your feelings first and how not to hurt you further. He needs to learn what "married" looks like and how to be an adult! Let him learn how to do his own laundry, cook and clean and care for your child and work all at the same time! Do NOT make lie easy for him - this is his time to change and grow as a man! You take care of you. Focus on being happy all on your own and with your child. See if/how he changes as he goes along. But I'd bet money it takes longer than six months. I hope he has help from a counselor that will push him along and challenge him to become a better person/partner. 1
Misadventure Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 When offering forgiveness - the behavior is expected to change. Yet he continues to disrespect you = because you've allowed it... By continuing to forgive without him changing. Who goes on a family vacation and goes out on a date 2 nights? A cheater does! Let him rent a place somewhere else until you figure out if he shows LONG term changes! Tell your son you're not rewarding Dads bad behavior anymore and he's staying away until he shows proof he's become a decent human being! I agree with THIS and also Marriage counseling.
sadman37 Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Yes. My wife moved out, and it spurred me to change. If he loves you, he will come to his senses and change. Hard to believe a man who cheats on you truly loves you. I have made my mistakes that's for sure. Thankfully, I never cheated on my wife. I hope the best for you! Keep us updated! I agree with THIS and also Marriage counseling.
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