abby_tx Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 I know we all like to pretend this doesn't matter, but in reality I think people end up with others in the same social class because of the familiarity. What do you guys think? I put up online dating profile a couple months ago but I haven't really seen anyone I wanted to meet in real life until a couple weeks ago. A lawyer messaged me and he's surprisingly witty, down to earth, etc. I come from a middle class family and more of a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl. I feel like we click so well online, but I can't imagine us meshing in real life because of our different social classes. I don't wear name brand clothing and don't have a desire to even if I were rich. I can't imagine me fitting into any of his friend groups or vice versa. I guess I'm just asking if this is worth pursuing or should I give up while I'm ahead?
anne1707 Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 Lawyers are very often middle class. They can also have a working class background. There is no reason at all not to pursue this by assuming class differences will cause problems. It is 2014 after all, not 1814. 1
Author abby_tx Posted January 19, 2014 Author Posted January 19, 2014 Lawyers are very often middle class. They can also have a working class background. There is no reason at all not to pursue this by assuming class differences will cause problems. It is 2014 after all, not 1814. True, but for instance... he's flying to NYC next weekend just for fun. He travels a lot. I was embarrassed to tell him I only took one trip in the last two years and it was a huge deal to me. Why? Because I have to be extremely careful with my money. So, if we start dating and he wants to travel, the only way we could do it on a regular basis is if he pays for me and that just seems wrong. Wouldn't you think he'd want a woman who can afford to keep up with him?
FortunateSon Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 It can work, but it depends on the circumstance, people, etc. I've found that social class, or shall we say financial differences can prove to to be a very difficult challenge in relationships. Feelings such as insecurity, resentment, lack of understanding and respect can all come into play for person on the "lower" side of this difference. I always thought that my ex, who is from a very working class background, would be happy and appreciate that my family has a successful business and that I am very financially secure, but she ended up feeling insecure and resentful about it despite my every effort to show her that it was our relationship that was important, not our financial standing. It frustrated me that she never appreciated the advantages it gave us as a couple, she only dwelled on the fact we were not on equal footing financially. 1
anne1707 Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 Maybe he is more interested in friends, relationships, family etc than which restaurant to be seen at, having the latest gadgets or wearing the "right" labels. He is human too. 1
Author abby_tx Posted January 19, 2014 Author Posted January 19, 2014 It can work, but it depends on the circumstance, people, etc. I've found that social class, or shall we say financial differences can prove to to be a very difficult challenge in relationships. Feelings such as insecurity, resentment, lack of understanding and respect can all come into play for person on the "lower" side of this difference. I always thought that my ex, who is from a very working class background, would be happy and appreciate that my family has a successful business and that I am very financially secure, but she ended up feeling insecure and resentful about it despite my every effort to show her that it was our relationship that was important, not our financial standing. It frustrated me that she never appreciated the advantages it gave us as a couple, she only dwelled on the fact we were not on equal footing financially. I'm glad to hear you wanted it to work. I do understand where the insecurity can come from though. I hope that wouldn't be me if I did try dating this guy. I am just imagining his friends having uppity blonde wives/gfs with expensive purses and heels and me in my worn converse not fitting in.
Mrlonelyone Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 It can work but people marry assorttatively. People tend to seriously date and marry those are similar to themselves. A class difference isn't insurmountable. It is a challenge.
Author abby_tx Posted January 19, 2014 Author Posted January 19, 2014 It can work but people marry assorttatively. People tend to seriously date and marry those are similar to themselves. A class difference isn't insurmountable. It is a challenge. My last short-term relationship with a guy who came from money and a family of doctors and even some semi-famous. He broke up with me three months later because he didn't see us working out long term and it came as a complete shock. I always wondered if my social class or background had anything to do with it. I just don't want another guy to act like he loves me, get take everything from me (emotionally/physically) and then drop me when he's done so he can find someone better to marry. 1
StanMusial Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 I'm glad to hear you wanted it to work. I do understand where the insecurity can come from though. I hope that wouldn't be me if I did try dating this guy. I am just imagining his friends having uppity blonde wives/gfs with expensive purses and heels and me in my worn converse not fitting in. How much of this issue are you imagining and how much is real? Do you know anything about his background and upbringing? 2
Mrlonelyone Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 Why do you care about what other people think? The relationship is about you and him, not his friends or family. Yeah I know they play a factor in relationships but ultimately its about you and him. If they don't like you cool, you don't have to date them. In my last R one of the nice things was we had super similar backgrounds. Having dissimilar backgrounds can cause friction
Author abby_tx Posted January 19, 2014 Author Posted January 19, 2014 How much of this issue are you imagining and how much is real? Do you know anything about his background and upbringing? Yes. I shared a picture of him with a friend of mine and she knew of him because his father and grandfather are pretty big in town.
Mrlonelyone Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 My last short-term relationship with a guy who came from money and a family of doctors and even some semi-famous. He broke up with me three months later because he didn't see us working out long term and it came as a complete shock. I always wondered if my social class or background had anything to do with it. I just don't want another guy to act like he loves me, get take everything from me (emotionally/physically) and then drop me when he's done so he can find someone better to marry. Your best bet is to not take a man who's background is too different seriously until he proves himself. Then for serious relationships look to people more similar to yourself. Example in my last R we both had parents in the same profession and studied the same subject with a passion. But we were of different races and ages.
sugarpea Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 I think it is worth pursuing, I mean he likes you for you not your social class or status. I think in general though people tend to pursue people of the same class as they have things in common and to avoid awkwardness when it comes to financial things. But really I think if you like the guy and he is decent and treats you well you should pursue it.
Author abby_tx Posted January 19, 2014 Author Posted January 19, 2014 Your best bet is to not take a man who's background is too different seriously until he proves himself. Then for serious relationships look to people more similar to yourself. Example in my last R we both had parents in the same profession and studied the same subject with a passion. But we were of different races and ages. You have a good point with not taking it seriously until he proves himself. I should treat all relationships like this in the beginning. I get too invested too quickly. There is another guy online who I'd also perhaps meet and we have similar backgrounds, but the downside is he's 4 years younger than me (He's 27. I'm 31).
StanMusial Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 Yes. I shared a picture of him with a friend of mine and she knew of him because his father and grandfather are pretty big in town. Hmmm, you should be able to determine his reputation to some degree then. That might be helpful to you.
Hopeful30 Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 In my humble opinion, its very difficult to make it work. I come from a high class family, and every single man I have ever dated was of a lower class. This made it difficult because we couldn't do many things together as they were financially held back. Biggest example is traveling. How can I always travel alone? I expect a man to be able to pay for himself, and if he can't do that, it's not fair I say "Okay well I'm going on vacation bye!". I think it also depends on the gender. If a man dates a lower class woman, since he's the man it's more socially acceptable (and men are more willing) to help bring her up to his level, whereas a woman expects a man to carry his own weight and has no social obligation to pay for the dates etc.
d0nnivain Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 You are putting the cart before the horse. If you like him meet him for one sate. You may not like him IRL. After you have been dating a while you can determine if you are otherwise compatible & want to deal with your perceived differences. 2
Onethirtyeight Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 I'd care about debt but not income as far as money is concerned. Otherwise if you're a nice person and aren't going to be a "drain" I don't think it would matter.
Thegreatestthing Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 (edited) I was thinking about this yesterday and was going to post about it. I dated a boy from the lower classes for four years and lived with him in the lower class areas and it was fine,I'm an artist though so they usually don't care about these sorts of things. maybe because even though this guy was from the lower class area,his father was a banker etc and he had a pretty stable home. But the guy I'm involved with now,it kind of doesn't fit,the places he goes to etc I'm not familiar with them,the culture etc,he is an artist like me so I am ok with the mattress on the floor type of living in a way other girls wouldn't be,and not having money.but the culture differences between him and me seems huge. I find I act a bit haughty with him. I have architects and creative directors and whatnot ask me out,I don't usually feel comfortable with them,whereas with some guy who is a waiter and an artist I feel comfortable,but it's just about a good energy between you in the end. Edited January 19, 2014 by Thegreatestthing
anna121 Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 I wouldn't consider a 4-year diff in your late twenties/early thirties a big deal. YMMV of course.
Grumpybutfun Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 I dated many women who were socially out of my class when I was younger. They were rich and I was poor and it worked out just fine. I was just upfront and honest about my social circumstances and we worked out things to do that wouldn't be a hardship to me, but still fun for her. Mostly these girls were sweet despite their privileged backgrounds and I wasn't ashamed of my situation. We broke up for other reasons that had nothing to do with status. If you allow externals to determine how you feel about someone, no it won't work, and if you let yourself feel inferior based on this criteria, no it won't work. Have you ever thought that maybe he might like to show someone he likes the world? I did. Did you ever think that being with someone he cares about, if it ever gets to that point, would be reward enough for him to foot the bill if he knows you can't pay? I have. I married that girl. She had never even been on a plane before. However, you seem like the type to take score and feel unequal due to externals so better only date guys exactly like you as to not stir up any feelings of inferiority....SMH. I did a million things, went to almost every continent, and made lots of money before I met my wife, but she was the real sophisticate and that has nothing in to do with status or class. Stop feeling inferior, Grumps 3
salparadise Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 In my humble opinion, its very difficult to make it work. I come from a high class family, and every single man I have ever dated was of a lower class. This made it difficult because we couldn't do many things together as they were financially held back. Biggest example is traveling. How can I always travel alone? I expect a man to be able to pay for himself, and if he can't do that, it's not fair I say "Okay well I'm going on vacation bye!". I think it also depends on the gender. If a man dates a lower class woman, since he's the man it's more socially acceptable (and men are more willing) to help bring her up to his level, whereas a woman expects a man to carry his own weight and has no social obligation to pay for the dates etc. I pretty much agree with this. It is different depending on which gender is the one with the money. It also depends on the attitudes the person with the money has about wealth, what the implications are, etc. I am a man of modest means and dated a woman for awhile who was a doctor (surgeon) and ultimately it was her lack of humility that I couldn't deal with. She came from a family of doctors and although she realized cognitively that humility was a desirable trait, she was raised with an attitude of arrogance/entitlement and as hard as she tried, it kept oozing out. Quite frankly it pisses me off regardless of who it is, what they've accomplished or what their socioeconomic status may be. Historically, women have been able to move to the next social class based on exceptional beauty, but for men it's purely defined by status and wealth. These things are ingrained in the social order and probably in our DNA. The woman I dated said at first that it didn't matter to her at all, but she was not very self-aware in these matters. I will do a more thorough job of vetting anyone in the future if there is a class disparity. My advice to you... proceed with caution, figure out quickly where his attitudes are in terms of those less fortunate, and particularly whether he fully respects you and for the right reasons. If not, cut it short before you end up being owned by a narcissist who pretends to be a nice guy. I feel like I could write a book on this topic but I'll stop for now. Let me know if you have specific questions I might be able to answer.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 I've felt the same way throughout my dating life. I spent most of my childhood poor, after my dad lost his job when I was little and he apparently never really recovered financially or emotionally. Most of the guys I've had relationships with come from families that have a lot more money and offer them more support. I've always felt like I can't quite keep up with the guys I date, in terms of money and material possessions. Sometimes they're not all that sensitive to my approach to finances, which is more frugal and careful than theirs, generally. I think it is hard for them to relate to my background, be understanding and supportive about it. I try to keep an open mind and not let financial matters be a factor in assessing a guy as boyfriend/husband material. I figure if the love is true, he'll do his best to understand where I come from and vice versa.
rosedl Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 I just got out of a relationship with a highly successful engineer from a white collar family. He was generous and giving, financially. He was also uptight, emotion dismissing, and withholding when I was most vulnerable. Is that a class thing? I don't know. My sister married a doctors son and he was the same way. Ego and entitlement that goes along with success and meeting all of society's guidelines for approval. My ex came from a family of engineers, scientists, and doctors. His father was a highly successful engineer and his mother was a teacher. From what I saw, his mother placated his dad's ego and everyone in the family talked around the actual subjects. I spent two hours listening to people complain about something when I was visiting one day and I couldn't figure out what they were talking about.... I grew up in a middle class blue collar family. We weren't poor. We were in no way rich. My dad was a paper mill supervisor. My mom stayed home. We didn't go to camp or get lessons or anything. No one talked to us about bigger dreams. Italian mother...you get married and have babies. They didn't prepare us to do anything. I did go to college and graduate and moved out a bit from that restrictive thinking, but it was a fight. His family, they fly airplanes and travel the world and have family reunions all over the world and graduated from great colleges and everyone has a masters or a PhD. I spent my life struggling to get by. He made for something of a fair weather boyfriend. He wanted to cross country ski and travel and cycle, intensely into sports racing (expensive sports that require travel and money to go to the events). And, that boiled down to being self involved and not wanting to have anything interfere with his fun and having a sizeable ego. He let me know those were his priorities and I was an option on the list, a disposable one. And, then he broke up with me and blamed me for doing it. My experience with white collar has been entitled arrogance but I am sure that is not universal. A lot of me me me and not a lot of us us us. If you don't go through some struggling, I don't know how you really get empathy. It seemed to be missing in a lot of his family members as well.
married2school Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 I think you have to be careful with some of this mentality though... Is it really fair to judge an entire group of people? I come from a middle class family. My parents didn't go college. My dad grew up farming. They've always encouraged me to do anything I set my mind to though. I went to college, graduate school, and now medical school. I know plenty of doctors that have come from similar, more humble beginnings. I hope that they are raising their children better than some of the doctors' kids you guys mention here. And I hope I will be able to do the same. That being said, you can't judge every doctor or another person of a supposedly "high paying" profession as being a certain way. Not everyone comes from a family with a long history of being in that profession.
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