N.M.M.N.G. Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 Ive been really good friends with this girl and her family for 12+ years, watched her go in and out of (bad) relationships, She's now a single independent mother. I'm 30, she's 29 btw. So Couple years ago I decided to risk our friendship and pursue a intimate relationship, it was a hot and cold process but we eventually became an exclusive couple. We had talked about our future, marriage, children, growing old together ect. But It really wasn't any ordinary type of relationship as her mother was fighting cancer and eventually passed this past summer… I was mainly focused on the situation rather then the relationship, just trying to be of any support with caring for her mother and just being there for anything I could do. We really didn't get a chance to get out much by ourselves, it was hard to do with everything that was going on. So A few weeks after her mother passed, she grew very distant, eventually broke up with me " I love you but i'm not 'in love' with you,' its not you, its me.. you are so amazing…i would love to be friends but I understand if you can't..." yeah that stuff. I was crushed, ripped apart, I knew she was going through a lot with her mothers passing but didn't understand why she would push me away like that….and I've been there and through everything with this woman, I genuinely fell in love with her and its been quite the process to get my mind back in place and on track. SO after a month of very limited text communication I decided to break the ice and ask her if she wanted to go do something random and fun and get out. She quickly found a sitter and made it happen, as always when we are by ourselves we had an epic time, except this time it was as "friends" which was extremely hard for me as I'm still in love with this woman. As I left and drove home, I couldn't even contain myself and got choked up. My "Man" instincts couldn't even stay strong. I decided to try to be "just friends" and I hung out with her in group activities 2 more times at her place with her family and although i didn't show it, all it did was rip me apart each time. It was constantly going through my mind and driving me insane. I left it alone for a couple weeks and randomly text her that we should take a break from everything and hang out more often and she text back and agreed… and i thought to myself WTF am i doing?! just teasing myself with something I can't have.. here i am attracted to someone and going out of my way for someone that broke up with me.. a week later she text me to go out with her and some of her friends for new years… i text her back and politely declined and thanked her for the thought. Also told her that this "just friends" gig isn't working out for me cause all its leading to is false hopes and I can't be doing that to myself. She came back with "ok? wasn't it last week you wanted to hang out more often and 'take a break from everything". I told her that i couldn't separate the attraction from the friendship and she replied "thanks for trying" and acted as if she understood (even though i really don't think she does) why men and woman can't be just friends at our age without wanting more... Its been 3 weeks since we have communicated and 3 months since the official breakup. In these past weeks I've gotten much better, refocused and feel like I've rediscovered my soul out of all this. Overall this whole situation really sucks, I do believe space was needed for the both of us to clear our heads for the mass amount of stress the past summer brought on us, but I really can't see myself never being attracted to this woman, too much chemistry and now history, the love for her was/is genuine, and I constantly tell myself to move on. I've accepted what it was and what it is, its just ALWAYS in the back of my head. I've done everything, tried distracting myself, staying busy, going out with friends, its just not working. And I've read a lot of things online just trying to get some idea that I'm doing the right thing by not putting effort into communicating which has helped tremendously, I just can't help but miss her, the friendship and such. I feel I have done a great job in leaving it as it is, I haven't pleaded for her back and all that BS, i've just distanced myself and have been focusing on myself, but it still hurts. I've replayed so many scenarios as to why this happened, only to stress myself out and not get anything figured out. I'm leaving it be, hoping that this emptiness fades away. I really don't think i can be her friend without ever being attracted to her, and i'm not interested in being put in the friend zone, which makes me feel really selfish. any advice would be gladly accepted. I've been fighting thought the pain and pushing to improve myself and future, its been a process, i've been a wreck, and finally I'm getting my mind back on track, but its always in the back of my mind...
Kalinka1 Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 I know what you are feeling I went through the same thing, even though we were only best friends for 2 years before the relationship, not 12… literally a moment ago I sent him an e-mail that the friends-thing is not working for me and I think it is for the best. You (we) cannot torture ourselves by being there for someone, planning our time / life around someone, have them constantly on our minds, and all we are to them is a support system etc. I think you have done the right thing by saying that this is not what you want, and I think in some way - if they want more, now is the time for them to declare it. If not, then it is time to move on and heal and find our 'ones'. Courage, comrade!
flightplan Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 (edited) I'll pass along my experience with this since yours very similar to mine. We were best friends for almost 15 years. We helped each other through thick and thin. Some say you can't be best friends with a woman without being sexually attracted, but we truly were. We shared everything about our lives and saw the good, the bad and the ugly. We we're rocks for each other. Eventually timing and events led to us making it official and we became intimate. It was, without doubt, one of the most incredible relationships I've had, but eventually her faith kept her from committing. She wanted to remain friends, but I knew I couldn't do it. Like you said, it would have led to false hopes and a relationship on her terms. It would have torn me up to see her move on with someone else in the future. I was angry, felt betrayed, pleaded but in the end I told her I couldn't be friends, eventually wished her well and disappeared. Haven't talked to her in 3 months. When I think of her now, she is like a stranger. Yes, I miss her terribly. But I know I made the right decision. I have accepted I will never see or talk to her again. I'm moving on. Like you, I lost a best friend and a girlfriend. Some people come into our lives for a reason and they leave for a reason. We learned a lot from each other and parted without any hard feelings. I'll accept that, thank the universe for the experience and move forward with my life. Edited January 19, 2014 by flightplan 1
rosedl Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 Lost my guy who was my best friend for a couple years as well. I made the mistake of thinking that since we were such great friends and we were attracted that it made sense to become romantically involved. Stupid. He was a commitment phobe and since I knew his history with women, I should have seen the signs (although I really didn't understand commitment phobia until this happened, I would see them now). He was probably just friends with me because he could get companionship without romantic entanglement. I kissed him and we were together, mostly on and sometimes off for another two years. He dumped me twice. First time, came back with all these insights and he acted like he really wanted this relationship and understood his role in our problems. Five months later, he did the same thing again, blamed me, and bolted. I was not perfect. But, I did own everything I could and try to work past things. He held onto every flaw and mistake as a prosecutor to justify bolting a second time. I don't want to be his friend anymore. He was mean to me in the end. The fact that he blamed me for his behavior instead of taking responsibility for a pattern he has repeated his entire life with his relationships ended our friendship. It was bad enough he did it, but to blame me and tear me down so that he didn't have to own what he was doing cinched it. He isn't my friend. He has left me at vulnerable times and he is unforgiving.
Author N.M.M.N.G. Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 Thanks for your insights on this, nice to know I'm not the lone person that pursued a relationship with my best friend. I hardly feel like I'm making any sense anymore with this. Just been a roller coaster ride. I'm really determined to move on from this, I never would have pursued this if i didn't truly believe it could work. I know more about her then anyone knows. I felt that it was a risk worth taking, cause i knew if she was to find someone else i would be wondering 'what if' and our friendship would be put on the side once again or lost forever. I've definitely learned a lot about her and myself, I've take as much good as i possibly could from this experience, have tried my best to be positive about it, and stay classy with it. Like "Flightplan" stated, for what it was, it was incredible chemistry and bond, but unfortunately it was bad timing maybe, and I believe she was 'in love' with the idea of it all and truly doesn't know what love really is. I think she was searching for that infatuated feeling, she literally told me she tried so hard to fall in love and it just wouldn't hit her. I told her how can you expect to fall in love when you don't take time for any one on one time together... we would probably hang out exclusively once every few weeks, and every time we did get a chance then it was awesome epic times..but she never really gave it much of a chance and made up her mind and that was it... And she is really starting to become a stranger to me. I would feel like a complete idiot if i was to initiate any contact with her, we have the most fun when we are together and all it would do now is bring up false hopes again. I really go up and down about it, I miss her a lot, but I don't miss her hot and cold tendencies... I knew all about her ways, I guess I should have known better, but I chose to love her for everything that she was. I think we are doing the right thing by cutting the cord and not being a support system or fall back. Just cant lead yourself on with these false hopes of it working out if you are there. I did my very best to be there when she needed someone most, as good as anyone could ever do in that situation. I'm walking away and focusing on myself and focusing on moving on. I dont know how long this will take and I don't even want to think about us getting back together. Things could have been absolutely amazing but I cant dwell on that thought, this was her decision and I've accepted it for what it was and what it is, and also accepted that I may never talk to her again. I'm finally smiling again, and she isn't the reason for it anymore. Really sad but that's just the way it goes I guess
flightplan Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Thanks for your insights on this, nice to know I'm not the lone person that pursued a relationship with my best friend. I hardly feel like I'm making any sense anymore with this. Just been a roller coaster ride. I'm really determined to move on from this, I never would have pursued this if i didn't truly believe it could work. I know more about her then anyone knows. I felt that it was a risk worth taking, cause i knew if she was to find someone else i would be wondering 'what if' and our friendship would be put on the side once again or lost forever. I've definitely learned a lot about her and myself, I've take as much good as i possibly could from this experience, have tried my best to be positive about it, and stay classy with it. Like "Flightplan" stated, for what it was, it was incredible chemistry and bond, but unfortunately it was bad timing maybe, and I believe she was 'in love' with the idea of it all and truly doesn't know what love really is. I think she was searching for that infatuated feeling, she literally told me she tried so hard to fall in love and it just wouldn't hit her. I told her how can you expect to fall in love when you don't take time for any one on one time together... we would probably hang out exclusively once every few weeks, and every time we did get a chance then it was awesome epic times..but she never really gave it much of a chance and made up her mind and that was it... And she is really starting to become a stranger to me. I would feel like a complete idiot if i was to initiate any contact with her, we have the most fun when we are together and all it would do now is bring up false hopes again. I really go up and down about it, I miss her a lot, but I don't miss her hot and cold tendencies... I knew all about her ways, I guess I should have known better, but I chose to love her for everything that she was. I think we are doing the right thing by cutting the cord and not being a support system or fall back. Just cant lead yourself on with these false hopes of it working out if you are there. I did my very best to be there when she needed someone most, as good as anyone could ever do in that situation. I'm walking away and focusing on myself and focusing on moving on. I dont know how long this will take and I don't even want to think about us getting back together. Things could have been absolutely amazing but I cant dwell on that thought, this was her decision and I've accepted it for what it was and what it is, and also accepted that I may never talk to her again. I'm finally smiling again, and she isn't the reason for it anymore. Really sad but that's just the way it goes I guess I completely identify with what you're saying. Looking back on my circumstances, I saw things that I rationalized that should have been red flags, but I felt the friendship/relationship was strong enough to overcome them. I was wrong. Once my system is completely flushed and I can fully and completely emotionally detach, I may or may not try to reach out to her. That process may take a year or more, so in the meantime, I'm going to create the life I want to live and focus on that.
Author N.M.M.N.G. Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 I think that's the best way to go about it, as hard as it is, you (we) just have to fight through the pain and completely detach, I really don't see any other choice. I don't know what kind of time frame this will take. Never experienced anything deep like this. It really is just sick that after so many years of being there for someone, throughout everything, and all the amazing memories and adventures, it all comes down to this... I agree with everything you said, just focus on the life you want to live and make it the best for yourself, minus the best friend.
Author N.M.M.N.G. Posted January 20, 2014 Author Posted January 20, 2014 Kinda curious on what kind of reaction you all got when you told your ex that you can't just fall back to being "just friends" ? Flight plan - I can totally relate on the "faith" gig. Seemed like she was constant internal battle within herself as she saw my open mind about the subject as being a weakness. Between religion and her view on men, it was a red flag I should have just passed on. You live you learn
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