OW and BSs - just an observation...

[SolG]

Having a quiet philosophical moment over a sav blanc (New Zealand of course) perusing LS and contemplating. The nature of the OW vs BS dynamic has me thinking. From what I've read here and elsewhere it's quite patently clear that there is an affair dynamic that manifests as hostility against each other... To the benefit of the MM in some respects. I have a theory that we both love the MM, so it's actually much easier to demonise the other party in the triangle ( BS or OW respectively) rather than the man we adore. Poor MM... He was led astray by the predatory scarlet OW. Or conversely, poor MM needing an OW (me) because his BS is so mean and unloving. How much easier to focus on the push or pull factor rather than the pushee/pullee?

 

The boards here (and elsewhere) are rampant with the 'You didn't meet his needs so he needed me'... 'You are morally bankrupt for having an affair with a married man'... dynamic. 'You're forcing him to stay'... 'You're tempting him to leave'... And so on...

 

For mine, I have absolutley had moments when I have hated the BS for no reason other than my own selfish want of HER man, MY MM. I have at times been quite taken aback by my own vehemence which has no real basis. I know this is not logical or 'real'. Yet sometimes it 'is'.

 

And from my perspective the BS also quite validly in the moment hates the OW for her part in betrayal. Even though a BS and OW may have no real knowledge of each other and what they are really like, some are quick to judge and generalise. We see each other as obstacles to our individual relationship goals with the MM; so of course this leads to negative emotion towards each other. Understandable and justifiable when it comes to human nature. Even thought we do logically know that our emotion to some degree is misfocused and the MM deserves our ire to a larger degree. But we love him and rather direct our negativity elsewhere than irrevocably taint our perception of the one that we love even though we rationally realise his faults.

 

And also, by focusing on our 'counterpart' we deflect from the fact that we ourselves deserve proportional responsibility for the context (not the choice to have an affair outside of a primary relationship - that rests with the MM alone) and our part in it.

 

In quieter moments, I hope that we can all reflect with empathy (as opposed to hate or other negative focus) on the tragedy that encapsulates us all in that messy thing that is an affair. We don't really hate each other, we just hate where we are.

 

Thoughts?

[Snipercatt]

From what I've read here and elsewhere it's quite patently clear that there is an affair dynamic that manifests as hostility against each other... To the benefit of the MM in some respects

 

I wholeheartedly agree!

[Got it]

Having a quiet philosophical moment over a sav blanc (New Zealand of course) perusing LS and contemplating. The nature of the OW vs BS dynamic has me thinking. From what I've read here and elsewhere it's quite patently clear that there is an affair dynamic that manifests as hostility against each other... To the benefit of the MM in some respects. I have a theory that we both love the MM, so it's actually much easier to demonise the other party in the triangle ( BS or OW respectively) rather than the man we adore. Poor MM... He was led astray by the predatory scarlet OW. Or conversely, poor MM needing an OW (me) because his BS is so mean and unloving. How much easier to focus on the push or pull factor rather than the pushee/pullee?

 

The boards here (and elsewhere) are rampant with the 'You didn't meet his needs so he needed me'... 'You are morally bankrupt for having an affair with a married man'... dynamic. 'You're forcing him to stay'... 'You're tempting him to leave'... And so on...

 

For mine, I have absolutley had moments when I have hated the BS for no reason other than my own selfish want of HER man, MY MM. I have at times been quite taken aback by my own vehemence which has no real basis. I know this is not logical or 'real'. Yet sometimes it 'is'.

 

And from my perspective the BS also quite validly in the moment hates the OW for her part in betrayal. Even though a BS and OW may have no real knowledge of each other and what they are really like, some are quick to judge and generalise. We see each other as obstacles to our individual relationship goals with the MM; so of course this leads to negative emotion towards each other. Understandable and justifiable when it comes to human nature. Even thought we do logically know that our emotion to some degree is misfocused and the MM deserves our ire to a larger degree. But we love him and rather direct our negativity elsewhere than irrevocably taint our perception of the one that we love even though we rationally realise his faults.

 

And also, by focusing on our 'counterpart' we deflect from the fact that we ourselves deserve proportional responsibility for the context (not the choice to have an affair outside of a primary relationship - that rests with the MM alone) and our part in it.

 

In quieter moments, I hope that we can all reflect with empathy (as opposed to hate or other negative focus) on the tragedy that encapsulates us all in that messy thing that is an affair. We don't really hate each other, we just hate where we are.

 

Thoughts?

 

This was not the case for me. Most of the time she was a nonentity. I truly did not think of her so was not jealous. I never saw it as a competition between her and I. Maybe between a "new" life and his "old" life but it wasn't about her or I.

 

Yes there was empathy at times, absolutely. The only time I would feel anything negative towards her were some of her actions during the divorce or afterwards. Unfortunately years after the divorce actions have not always been positive and we have dealt with legal issues of parental alienation. So that didn't give me warm fuzzies. But it is tied to specific behavior and not a summation/judgement of her in her totality. Maybe at times I have pitied her but I am hesitate to reveal that as I think that may be the biggest insult.

[BeingMe]

Yup, except...I don't hate the OW. I can see how he manipulated us both. He made me out to be the wife from hell (of course ) and when I found out, he blamed her for everything. My goodness, the details he gave me about her, including her personal grooming and more...! All to try and deflect from himself. Thankfully as part of DDay I found some flirty emails he'd sent to someone else, so I knew exactly how willing he was.

 

Our MM/WH (depending on whether your the OW or BW) are broken. They need us to satisfy an unhealthy need for ego kibbles because of their own FOO issues. And theyare quite happy to manipulate us to get what they want. If they were healthy, they wouldn't have an affair, they'd end the marriage first. And they often can't stand being the bad guy, so they have to paint the OW/BW as the reason for the affair. And often we believe it. But it's not true. The WH wants to have an affair because THEY are broken. The OW/BW being hateful to each other gives the MM/WH just what he wants: ego kibbles (we fight over him), blameshifting (we blame each other and ignore/minimise his part), superiority kibbles (he outplayed us)

[SolG]

Maybe it's just me and everyone here is more mature and enlightened!

 

I'd liken what I'm getting at to road rage (not jealously or competitiveness) focused on the BS. Like... I'm in a hurry here dude! Get the ef out of my lane! Don't know the driver from a bar of soap; all I know is that he or she is impeding my progress. He or she is in the way of my goal. Like the BS in relation to being an obstacle to a normal relationship with the MM. Sort of a transference of negativity about my expectations not being met onto another (which is essentially what road rage is). And this with regard to an affair situation being a source of latent groundless hostility between OW and BS in general that then manifests in things like the partisan views we sometimes see here on LS and elsewhere.

 

Completely irrational and transitory--just like a random driver the BS is hardly likely to conform to my expectations--but existing nonetheless.

Edited January 19, 2014 by SolG

[Quiet Storm]

Yup, except...I don't hate the OW. I can see how he manipulated us both. He made me out to be the wife from hell (of course ) and when I found out, he blamed her for everything. My goodness, the details he gave me about her, including her personal grooming and more...! All to try and deflect from himself. Thankfully as part of DDay I found some flirty emails he'd sent to someone else, so I knew exactly how willing he was.

 

Our MM/WH (depending on whether your the OW or BW) are broken. They need us to satisfy an unhealthy need for ego kibbles because of their own FOO issues. And theyare quite happy to manipulate us to get what they want. If they were healthy, they wouldn't have an affair, they'd end the marriage first. And they often can't stand being the bad guy, so they have to paint the OW/BW as the reason for the affair. And often we believe it. But it's not true. The WH wants to have an affair because THEY are broken. The OW/BW being hateful to each other gives the MM/WH just what he wants: ego kibbles (we fight over him), blameshifting (we blame each other and ignore/minimise his part), superiority kibbles (he outplayed us)

 

Yes.

 

It has been my observation that BS are usually much more aware of the WS "brokenness", though.

 

OW seem to blame MMs circumstances for his behavior, while BS often knows her husband has character issues, and the affair is just another manisfestation of those issues.

[cocorico]

This was not the case for me. Most of the time she was a nonentity. I truly did not think of her so was not jealous. I never saw it as a competition between her and I. Maybe between a "new" life and his "old" life but it wasn't about her or I.

 

Yes there was empathy at times, absolutely. The only time I would feel anything negative towards her were some of her actions during the divorce or afterwards. Unfortunately years after the divorce actions have not always been positive and we have dealt with legal issues of parental alienation. So that didn't give me warm fuzzies. But it is tied to specific behavior and not a summation/judgement of her in her totality. Maybe at times I have pitied her but I am hesitate to reveal that as I think that may be the biggest insult.

 

Similarly, I had no responses to his xBW based on her structural location in the R dynamic. My feelings about her were based purely on her behaviour - directly or indirectly observed. I guess the way I viewed it was, if she wasn't someone with any connection to him, simply someone I encountered in an entirely different context, would I feel differently about her? And I have to answer no. She is not someone I would choose to engage with in any way, quite a nasty piece of work all round, with dubious values (as I see them) and with whom I would have nothing in common.

[carhill]

OP, your mention of a New Zealand SB caused a memory to resurface relevant to this....

 

I was watching a movie the other day called 'War Brides' which was set in New Zealand during WW2 where relocated women married kiwis, in some case sight unseen. In one particular interaction, such a woman met and fell in love with another man on the plane to NZ but still married her 'war groom' but later had an affair with the man on the plane, culminating in a physical fight between the two men, including gun use.

 

What struck me, markedly, was a change in how I viewed the events. The H, even though he was portrayed as a relatively unlikeable character, rigidly moral and religious and controlling, had me rooting for him to prevail in the confrontation, even though he 'lost' and limped away wounded. Prior, back when I was an OM and 'brainwashed' by the propaganda of the MW's, I did and would have been rooting for the OM to 'take H out'. Interesting how life and experience changes a person. Even though I've been a MM in my past, I was rooting for and empathizing with a relatively unlikeable (portrayed that way) BS. I stopped for a moment and reflected upon that. Thanks for reminding me.

 

BTW, NZ is a wonderful place; try drinking their wines in person. I recommend

[krazikat]

Having a quiet philosophical moment over a sav blanc (New Zealand of course) perusing LS and contemplating. The nature of the OW vs BS dynamic has me thinking. From what I've read here and elsewhere it's quite patently clear that there is an affair dynamic that manifests as hostility against each other... To the benefit of the MM in some respects. I have a theory that we both love the MM, so it's actually much easier to demonise the other party in the triangle ( BS or OW respectively) rather than the man we adore. Poor MM... He was led astray by the predatory scarlet OW. Or conversely, poor MM needing an OW (me) because his BS is so mean and unloving. How much easier to focus on the push or pull factor rather than the pushee/pullee?

 

The boards here (and elsewhere) are rampant with the 'You didn't meet his needs so he needed me'... 'You are morally bankrupt for having an affair with a married man'... dynamic. 'You're forcing him to stay'... 'You're tempting him to leave'... And so on...

 

For mine, I have absolutley had moments when I have hated the BS for no reason other than my own selfish want of HER man, MY MM. I have at times been quite taken aback by my own vehemence which has no real basis. I know this is not logical or 'real'. Yet sometimes it 'is'.

 

And from my perspective the BS also quite validly in the moment hates the OW for her part in betrayal. Even though a BS and OW may have no real knowledge of each other and what they are really like, some are quick to judge and generalise. We see each other as obstacles to our individual relationship goals with the MM; so of course this leads to negative emotion towards each other. Understandable and justifiable when it comes to human nature. Even thought we do logically know that our emotion to some degree is misfocused and the MM deserves our ire to a larger degree. But we love him and rather direct our negativity elsewhere than irrevocably taint our perception of the one that we love even though we rationally realise his faults.

 

And also, by focusing on our 'counterpart' we deflect from the fact that we ourselves deserve proportional responsibility for the context (not the choice to have an affair outside of a primary relationship - that rests with the MM alone) and our part in it.

 

In quieter moments, I hope that we can all reflect with empathy (as opposed to hate or other negative focus) on the tragedy that encapsulates us all in that messy thing that is an affair. We don't really hate each other, we just hate where we are.

 

Thoughts?

 

I agree SolG. I find it very sad, as it does take the focus away from the truth of the situation...the cheating, lying MP. Typically the behavior is between women, BS/OW. There is this hate and anger there sometimes that is not rational. Lately, there have been many ow referencing "bitter bs" when someone posts something they dont agree with. And many times it is not even a bs posting!

 

Why assume it is a "bitter bs"?

 

The rift between bs and ow only benefits the cheater. The cheater doesnt want bs and ow to speak, so the mm says things to ow to feed that, and we see the results of ow being spoon fed shizzz from their mm in responses.

 

By speaking to each other RESPECTFULLY and HONESTLY we could all learn allot about the MM. I am a BS. I feel sympathy for the ow in my sitch...my husband was an ******* and treated ow badly. She was absolutely horrible to me on and after dday...she hated me! And she did not know me from eve. I was blown away by the level of hate directed at me.

 

Ladies, dont discount what someone is saying just because they are opposite from you...take the opportunity to learn something that may help you in your sitch...

 

And stop all the "bitter bs" nonsense!

[solostand]

This is so true!!!!!!

 

At first I hated the BS. I am not proud of this at all. I hated her because she had something I wanted. She was a nameless, faceless enemy. I didn't care about her 35 year history with MM, the children they had together, and the memories they shared. I just wanted her to go away!

 

Later, I met her, and Goddamn it, she was nice! Even though she was already suspicious of me, she was friendly to me. She is a very accomplished woman who has a zillion friends because she is kind and helpful. I wish she was a bitch, but she's not.

 

I do feel guilt about hurting her. But I admit I find it difficult to empathize because I have never been cheated on.

 

Lately, I've been thinking about what life would REALLY be like if MM and I were actually together. It would be kind of weird to suddenly be living together. Would I have to cook for him? Clean? Do his laundry? What would we do if we were bored? Where would we live? How badly would his children hate me (with a passion I know). Does he snore? Hog the blankets? Make a bad smell in the bathroom?

 

Today we were talking about our affair. He said "Sometimes it just feels like a dream to me. Like its not really happening. Its so unlikely for an old man like me to be doing this". I don't know what that means. Then he said "The mind says one thing, but the heart says another. The heart always wins."

[No Limit]

Won't lie, I'm young and haven't been married (yet? ), but I'd never go at OWs throat. I don't have anything to do with her and doubt that my poor poor husband was abducted, raped and forced into an affair over and over again and forced to maybe write nice little mails and SMS and text messages every now and then.

 

I'd probably stay put for a while and become cool towards him, which would probably make him wonder why but I doubt he'd reveal his affair to me at that point, and prepare my leave and make my next and last present the divorce papers for him (may sound rude, but I'd really like to surprise him).

Or I'd throw his stuff out of a window and yell bloody murder out to the streets, not sure as I was never in this situation before. And I damn well hope I won't have to, but I guess I'm prepared for everything this world has to offer by now.

 

"The mind says one thing, but the heart says another. The heart always wins."

 

And he was wrong. At least I can't say that this sentence has described me in any part of my life.

Edited January 19, 2014 by No Limit

[ComingInHot]

This topic points out why I have such little tolerance for the cheating spouse! I know it comes through when I post on thread by a MM/MW.

I didn't and don't hate exOW. I forgave her in the moment she told me. I wish she would have seen it the same.

It does me good to read OW posts where they Do "get it"*

[GypsumSatellite]

I have no feelings of dislike towards his W. I don't feel in competition with her (maybe more like unseen comrades-in-arms?) and I see MM with all his flaws and put blame of his choice to have an affair right at his feet. It has become increasingly clear over time that he views our R as his exit. He's not brave enough to put the work into himself nor to fix his M and his W isn't as aware as once believed that anything is currently wrong.

 

I think the most important thing I've learned through my own therapy process was that personal responsibility is the adult road. So many affairs aren't about the adult road, or the noble road, or the justifiable road. That's what BS and OW/M have in common, too - often times they will take the adult road, which is when the WS get hung out to dry or confronted.

 

There's little point in a BS and an OW/M having it out with one another - the R isn't between them, it's with the WS. If anything, the BS and OW/M could be allies as long as there could be some sort of rational discussion between the two parties. Not even as friends, just "Okay, you want to stay M? here's what we know and this is what would need to happen to make them a better S to you in the long run"... but that's a rather rare occurrence, I gather.

[Lady2163]

I do not dislike his wife. I truly believe she is a good wife and mother.

 

Except, she is lacking...creativity in the bedroom. She was raised conservative Christian and nice girls don't enjoy sex and certainly don't put their mouths....there! Yes, they still have sex, just missionary style.

 

I do know about her from other channels than just what MM says. He's never complained about their sex life. He has said one thing about her that I thought was awful, but he was matter of fact, and he has complained she spends too much money (BUT, I think MM is a bit of a tightwad and is a pampered prince, she does 99% of his shopping).

 

I'm pretty sure all I am as the OW is an enjoyable romp in the bedroom and a low maintenance friend. MM has a job and personality where people always want something from him and often friendships are surface only.

 

MM will probably NOT have another affair after we are finished. Truly, an affair is out of character for him. I wouldn't say that about most men who I know have cheated.

[SolG]

I'm not actually talking about 'real' feelings for the 'real' BS or OW. Let me further expand on my road rage analogy about irrational, transitory emotion that is targeted.

 

My experience is that I sometimes get to a point of frustration with my relationship with MM that my negative emotion is palpable. And sometimes I'm locked and loaded so tight that I focus on the BS as the target of this negativity - not really her as a person, but her as a symbol of what is frustrating me. When in actuality it has nothing to do with the BS and everything to do with my frustration with MM. This transference is convenient and happens for all the reasons in my original post and more.

 

Luckily logical Sol comes out at those moments and taps me on the shoulder and says, 'You dumba$se, it's not her fault. It's you! Stop transferring and thinking like a twit and delve into what's really going on here.' Then normal Sol comes back and goes, 'Oh yea! That is a really stupid way to think and feel. Stop that! You're smarter than that.'

 

It is illogical, transitory and explosive. And actually has absolutely nothing to do with how I feel about the 'real' BS in real life.

 

But through this I can see the potential to not just use 'the' BS as a target for transferred negativity, but also all BSs. That it would be a possibility in that frame of mind to come places like LS fully armed and unload those negativity missiles in posts at BSs in general as symbolic proxies. Using fora as a venue for releasing negativity rather than harnessing their therapeutic potential.

 

I was just about to write that I'm glad that I've never translated these bursts into actual action... But them I remembered that I have on a couple of occasions written some brutal emails to MM that crossed the line. And during one argument :-/ Alcohol a factor in all cases. I'm very ashamed of theses occasions, but now know that since putting the effort into analysing the root cause, that they won't be repeated.

 

I hope this is now clearer what I'm getting at. I'm very interested in the views of all BS and OW/M.

[cocorico]

My experience is that I sometimes get to a point of frustration with my relationship with MM that my negative emotion is palpable. And sometimes I'm locked and loaded so tight that I focus on the BS as the target of this negativity - not really her as a person, but her as a symbol of what is frustrating me. When in actuality it has nothing to do with the BS and everything to do with my frustration with MM. This transference is convenient and happens for all the reasons in my original post and more.

 

I have been guilty of the reverse: my frustration at the xBW has led to my projecting it onto him and the R - that, if it wasn't for his (now historic, thankfully!) need to fix broken women, I would not have to deal with her appalling behaviour / the effects of her appalling behaviour on others.

 

 

But through this I can see the potential to not just use 'the' BS as a target for transferred negativity, but also all BSs. That it would be a possibility in that frame of mind to come places like LS fully armed and unload those negativity missiles in posts at BSs in general as symbolic proxies. Using fora as a venue for releasing negativity rather than harnessing their therapeutic potential.

 

This is something I have certainly been guilty of - responding inappropriately to a BW on LS simply because she was a BW and said something that evoked in me the spectre of the xBW I have to deal with, thereby unleashing all the anger and hostility I feel toward the xBW in my own situation rather than responding to the specifics of the LS BW in question. I suspect I'm not alone; and I've seen it happen the other way (BS triggered by random LS OW) too. Neither is appropriate, although both are perhaps understandable. It takes emotional distance and maturity to see the person posting behind the labels attached to them.

[Got it]

I'm not actually talking about 'real' feelings for the 'real' BS or OW. Let me further expand on my road rage analogy about irrational, transitory emotion that is targeted.

 

My experience is that I sometimes get to a point of frustration with my relationship with MM that my negative emotion is palpable. And sometimes I'm locked and loaded so tight that I focus on the BS as the target of this negativity - not really her as a person, but her as a symbol of what is frustrating me. When in actuality it has nothing to do with the BS and everything to do with my frustration with MM. This transference is convenient and happens for all the reasons in my original post and more.

 

Luckily logical Sol comes out at those moments and taps me on the shoulder and says, 'You dumba$se, it's not her fault. It's you! Stop transferring and thinking like a twit and delve into what's really going on here.' Then normal Sol comes back and goes, 'Oh yea! That is a really stupid way to think and feel. Stop that! You're smarter than that.'

 

It is illogical, transitory and explosive. And actually has absolutely nothing to do with how I feel about the 'real' BS in real life.

 

But through this I can see the potential to not just use 'the' BS as a target for transferred negativity, but also all BSs. That it would be a possibility in that frame of mind to come places like LS fully armed and unload those negativity missiles in posts at BSs in general as symbolic proxies. Using fora as a venue for releasing negativity rather than harnessing their therapeutic potential.

 

I was just about to write that I'm glad that I've never translated these bursts into actual action... But them I remembered that I have on a couple of occasions written some brutal emails to MM that crossed the line. And during one argument :-/ Alcohol a factor in all cases. I'm very ashamed of theses occasions, but now know that since putting the effort into analysing the root cause, that they won't be repeated.

 

I hope this is now clearer what I'm getting at. I'm very interested in the views of all BS and OW/M.

 

I am trying to think back but I really don't recall doing this. I had no negative feelings towards her until the divorce and they were geared towards direct actions. I sure had/have plenty of frustration with HIM , which I let him know but I can't recall being upset with him and transferring it to others.

 

In regards to all BS, I hope I do not though I may have a time or two. I get frustrated here because sweeping generalizations get under my skin. I also get frustrated where things are stated on this board that I feel are crossing the line and not in the appropriate subforum. I do not take these comments to other forums as I try and wear the appropriate "hat".

 

Now for my husband, yes he has gotten some unfiltered comments and I agree, alcohol is rarely your friend. What I have learned to do with myself is sit on my feelings and muddle through them, see what stays, what is reoccuring and move on them. I tend to overanalyze things and get frustrated between logic and emotion (with others and myself) and struggle through getting emotion into logic. I will get myopic on the line of logic being debated, or lack there of, and go down that rabbit hole and need to step back and see the "person" behind the argument.

 

Shockingly!!!! Not everyone is like me and I need to agree to disagree and not beat a debate to death. I tend to forget the person behind the argument, especially online, and try and check myself on that.

 

Anyway, that may have gone sideways from beginning to ending. Mea Culpa.

[ComingInHot]

SoIG, I think I get what you're saying.

I' do not " like" the exOW, nor did I like her hatred and anger towards me. But, I did know "enough" to understand she could have never bedded my fWH had he Not wanted too. I Don't believe she would have hung on if My fWH hadn't fed her lie after lie. That's on him.

It wasn't until reading here, that I kinda started to understand her angst towards Me.

LS helped me see how OW ' S can have feelings of anger and hostility towards the innocent party.

I'm grateful for that.

[whatatangledweb]

I'm not actually talking about 'real' feelings for the 'real' BS or OW. Let me further expand on my road rage analogy about irrational, transitory emotion that is targeted.

 

My experience is that I sometimes get to a point of frustration with my relationship with MM that my negative emotion is palpable. And sometimes I'm locked and loaded so tight that I focus on the BS as the target of this negativity - not really her as a person, but her as a symbol of what is frustrating me. When in actuality it has nothing to do with the BS and everything to do with my frustration with MM. This transference is convenient and happens for all the reasons in my original post and more.

 

Luckily logical Sol comes out at those moments and taps me on the shoulder and says, 'You dumba$se, it's not her fault. It's you! Stop transferring and thinking like a twit and delve into what's really going on here.' Then normal Sol comes back and goes, 'Oh yea! That is a really stupid way to think and feel. Stop that! You're smarter than that.'

 

It is illogical, transitory and explosive. And actually has absolutely nothing to do with how I feel about the 'real' BS in real life.

 

But through this I can see the potential to not just use 'the' BS as a target for transferred negativity, but also all BSs. That it would be a possibility in that frame of mind to come places like LS fully armed and unload those negativity missiles in posts at BSs in general as symbolic proxies. Using fora as a venue for releasing negativity rather than harnessing their therapeutic potential.

 

I was just about to write that I'm glad that I've never translated these bursts into actual action... But them I remembered that I have on a couple of occasions written some brutal emails to MM that crossed the line. And during one argument :-/ Alcohol a factor in all cases. I'm very ashamed of theses occasions, but now know that since putting the effort into analysing the root cause, that they won't be repeated.

 

I hope this is now clearer what I'm getting at. I'm very interested in the views of all BS and OW/M.

 

I was like this for many months after d-day. The pain was still fresh. I stayed away from forums that had OW posting because it hurt to read it and I wanted to lash out at them. I didn't but I lumped them all together. Once I was able to heal I went to the forums. I saw them as as women in pain. Not the enemy. Some times even now someone will post something that stabs me in the heart. I just avoid the thread.

 

What we all have in common is pain. I see it as either reach to help the individual person or say nothing. No one on either side needs to be told it is their fault or they deserve it. All that does is add to their pain.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I never hated the BS - in fact she was my friend (please don't jump on me) - I did love her although my actions with her husband didn't show that, of course.

 

 

I didn't like her actions toward my family during the months following (because my husband who she considered a friend and my kids were caught in the crossfire), but I understand where it was coming from.

 

 

I didn't hate my husband's xmow - I understood the predicament she was in because I had been in her shoes.

 

 

I have no hate - just a lot of sadness and dull pain from all of it.

[SolG]

I don't hate my MM's W either. In fact, from the few times I've met her (unavoidable when MM and I used to work closely together) I would actually go so far as to say that she is eminently likeable.

 

It's just all the other A and MM stuff that colours my emotional vision at time. I'm very glad I'm aware of it and thank you all for helping me explore this.

 

Appreciate it.

[Aspasia33]

I've never had much of an issue with my MM wife.. I know very little about her and TBH I don't think of her very much.

I did have a bit of an issue the first few years when I assumed they had sex, now I pretty much think they don't it doesn't bother me.

I get slightly jealous that she gets to be seen in public " romantically" with such an incredibly gorgeous looking man, but I gather he feels the same things about me and my husband.

I gather she's probably a pretty nice person actually.

I don't like some of the ways she seems to take him for granted, and she seems very dependant on him, but that's the dynamics they seem happy with.

If I was single and wanting an non affair relationship with him I may feel diferantly ?

Who knows. I don't feel she has done anything " wrong" in their marriage, except they both got married to young and have grown in seperate directions.

[Appreciate]

I don't hate my MM's W either. In fact, from the few times I've met her (unavoidable when MM and I used to work closely together) I would actually go so far as to say that she is eminently likeable.

 

It's just all the other A and MM stuff that colours my emotional vision at time. I'm very glad I'm aware of it and thank you all for helping me explore this.

 

Appreciate it.

 

 

How aware were you before it was pointed out to you?

[Appreciate]

When I was the OM, I did not think much about the BH.

 

I knew he was a good man but I barely knew him, and did not like to inquire about their married life because I thought it was their business, not mine. It's easy to compartmentalize life when in the throes of an A. Over time, and from being a WS (pre-marriage) and a BS later on, I realized that you simply can't trust what the WS says. The APs' anger is often not legitimate because it is based on distortions, but it feels justified, and that's what is important to them at the time.

[SolG]

How aware were you before it was pointed out to you?

 

Absolutely aware - refer to my earlier posts in this thread.

 

I wish someone had pointed it out to me - but the only person who could have done that before I worked through it all myself was the only witness, MM. And he was too busy dodging bullets at the time!

 

What I was most interested in exploring was the second order effects of transference/projection beyond 'the' BS/OW/M as symbol, to the generic BS/OW/M as a representative proxy group. I suspected that this may be some of the fuel behind vitriolic outbursts you sometimes see by BS/OW/M on boards such as those here at LS.

 

The thread went there... and other places related to how OW feel towards the actual real BS and vice versa... which was also very interesting to read.

 

It also reaffirmed my view that NZ sav blanc is awesome - which was a bonus (thank you carhill!)

 

Everything is food for thought and helpful :-)

Edited January 22, 2014 by SolG