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Boyfriend unsure about relationship - not sure if we're even together? [update]

ikilledacockroach

By ikilledacockroach
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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ikilledacockroach Member

ikilledacockroach

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I'm sorry I just keep posting but I am still quite confused about what to do. You have all given me very good advice and made it clear that there is nothing more I can do to save the relationship but there's a part of me that still does not want to let him go. I have gone back and forth in my mind about ending things with him but I cannot seem to bring myself to do it. I deserve better than being treated like this but I still want to give him another chance although I have a feeling it will probably turn out the same way. I am hoping that he will talk to his family about it and hoping that they will force him to look at things clearly and understand that he has to do something about this now. To be honest, I do not know how I will cope without him. One of my friends has asked me if he were to decide that he wants to stay in the relationship but continue doing what he was doing if I were to stay with him and my answer was yes. I know I'm just giving him the opportunity to walk all over me and maybe that is why he is doing it and I know he is probably not ready for a serious relationship but I still cannot bring myself to leave him.

kjackson1 Member

kjackson1

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I'm sorry I just keep posting but I am still quite confused about what to do. You have all given me very good advice and made it clear that there is nothing more I can do to save the relationship but there's a part of me that still does not want to let him go. I have gone back and forth in my mind about ending things with him but I cannot seem to bring myself to do it. I deserve better than being treated like this but I still want to give him another chance although I have a feeling it will probably turn out the same way. I am hoping that he will talk to his family about it and hoping that they will force him to look at things clearly and understand that he has to do something about this now. To be honest, I do not know how I will cope without him. One of my friends has asked me if he were to decide that he wants to stay in the relationship but continue doing what he was doing if I were to stay with him and my answer was yes. I know I'm just giving him the opportunity to walk all over me and maybe that is why he is doing it and I know he is probably not ready for a serious relationship but I still cannot bring myself to leave him.

 

 

You have tried talking to him, write a letter and express how you are unhappy. If he is unwilling to change his ways then you know what you have to do. If you continue at this rate you are just setting yourself up for more pain.

 

YOU DESERVE BETTER

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ikilledacockroach Member

ikilledacockroach

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Thank you..I have just called my sister and asked her to come over as I do not want to be alone at this time. At the moment I am even having thoughts like he is only staying because if he were to leave, he would have to move all over again and look for a new job and new place..

sw2020 Established Member

sw2020

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All been said above. He's checked out of the relationship already.

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ikilledacockroach Member

ikilledacockroach

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I have talked to my mom and sister and I think that the best thing is for me to move on from this relationship. I have left him a letter and if he ignores it then I will just end things. Everyone else is right, he has already given up and is not going to make an effort to do anything.

BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

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I don't think there is much you can do. He's forcing you to be the dumper. A 19 year old guy does not want to play house with you. I think it's just that simple. 10 years from now, you will understand why this was doomed from the start.

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ikilledacockroach Member

ikilledacockroach

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Boyfriend has come home and read the letter I've written him and has been making more of an effort to have conversations with me and has pointed out that he's trying to stop the drinking. So confused as he's said his head is currently in a weird place but that no matter what happens he wants to be best friends, which honestly would not be possible. But then just before he left for home he gave me a kiss and a cuddle and told me he loved me. In a platonic way perhaps? I have gotten back into the studying and definitely focusing less on the relationship at the moment as I realized that no career is worth throwing away for a boy! But still very confused by his actions :/

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ikilledacockroach Member

ikilledacockroach

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I've written a previous post before and basically, I've been with the boyfriend (19) (I'm 21) for 9 months and we live together. He's left everything behind to move up here with me. Three days ago he told me that the fire died in our relationship and that he was unsure about whether he wanted to be with me. He stopped trying to communicate with me and continued to go out and not return home.

 

But I wrote him a letter where I pointed out that I'm worried for his health as he has been drinking really heavily for the past week and that I know that he is unsure of where we stand but that if he's so confused he should take some time to think about what he actually wants and that he does not have to stay if its making him that unhappy.

 

He has tried much much more to make an effort to talk to me today which I was really surprised about. He asked me to go home with him but I said no as I have lectures today. He told me that no matter what happens he wants me to be his best friend, which sounds to me like he's prepping me for a breakup, but he just doesn't know what to think as his head is in a weird place at the moment. Then just before he left for home he gave me a kiss and a cuddle and told me that he loves me and that he's trying to stop drinking. I told myself that I wouldn't text him at all while he was back home unless he actually initiated the conversation and to my surprise he did. He sent me an old picture that I'd sent to him of me where I looked really happy and right before he went to bed he told me that he loved me again.

 

I'm so confused about what he wants now and whether he has said that thing about being best friends because he knows that the relationship is not what he wants but he is still afraid of telling me.

 

EDIT: While he has been making more of an effort to talk to me he doesn't actually ask about how my day has been or how I've been doing and it's mostly things like where I text him 'morning, hope you're having a nice sleep' and then one of our friends told me that he needed to talk to him so I had to text him again saying 'hey so and so wants to talk to you' and all I got back was a 'thank you :D'. I'm not sure what to think about this. Am I just reading too much into it and giving myself false hope?

Edited by ikilledacockroach
Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

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I'm sorry but your answer is here

 

Three days ago he told me that the fire died in our relationship and that he was unsure about whether he wanted to be with me. He stopped trying to communicate with me and continued to go out and not return home.
Then he says

 

and right before he went to bed he told me that he loved me again.

If he cared about you that much he wouldn't be blowing hot & cold.

 

I would start packing your bags and leave him to pickle his liver on his own.

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ikilledacockroach Member

ikilledacockroach

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I know that he is being very selfish at the moment and not giving any thought to my feelings but I feel like we may have a chance and I am unsure whether to give him time and space and not to pressure him for an answer. I have managed to get myself out of the house at least today and gone to uni which has helped take my mind off things. I don't know if by just being civil and polite and not overly needy (I.e telling him I love him unless he says it first and not texting him unless he makes the effort to talk to me first) if this will make a difference :(

bronzon Member

bronzon

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I'm sorry but your answer is here

 

Then he says

 

If he cared about you that much he wouldn't be blowing hot & cold.

 

I would start packing your bags and leave him to pickle his liver on his own.

 

Sorry, but what? You're faulting the guy for trying to be honest with her. He can be confused as well.

 

ikilledacockroach, from my perspective, there is nothing wrong with trying to salvage a relationship, especially one where the guy up and moved for you. Still, be aware that the relationship is on very shaky footing right now. And even if you do everything perfectly, it might still fall apart. There's no shame in holding out hope for the relationship longer than your SO does.

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ikilledacockroach Member

ikilledacockroach

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I've written previous posts on this and the (ex?)boyfriend has been at home with his family for 4 days now. Before he left he told me he loved me and I attempted NC which resulted in him texting me to see how my day was,etc. Then he asked if I was missing him.

 

The next day I texted him to wish him a good day and he completely ignored my text. Then today I sent him a message asking if he would be home today (as we live together and I thought maybe he'd be coming to get all his things) and he told me yes but then sent me another text saying that he's been contacted by a debt collection agency for a gym fee (18 pounds) which I told him to take care of but he neglected to pay and the amount has now risen quite considerably (190 pounds). He then told me that his life is falling apart.

 

I am not sure what to do right now as he seems to be going through a very very rough patch in life but so am I and I do not need the additional stress on top of it. I am unsure whether to continue trying to make the relationship work as at the moment it seems like he does need a lot of time and space to re-evaluate things and the added stress of having to pay off a debt is not helping.

 

Should I just be there for him as a friend and not expect anything in return? I have already been prepping myself for a break-up as although I still want to try to make this work it seems like he has too many issues on his mind to even consider this at the moment. I know I shouldn't push him to make a decision anytime soon as that would be selfish of me with everything that is going on with him at the moment but I am at a loss of where to go from here :(

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ikilledacockroach Member

ikilledacockroach

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Ex just came home packed up all his stuff and left. First thing he did when he walked into the apartment was get on his phone to one of his mates and he made no effort to talk to me or even acknowledge that I was being upset right in front of him. I broke down and asked him why he was even here and he just got up and started packing all of his stuff.

 

I asked him where the relationship was right now and he told me that I'd broken up with him weeks ago. I was completely unaware of this! How he took we need to talk as it's over is completely baffling. Before he left he told me to give him a week back home to figure things out and that maybe he'll be like **** what have I done and I asked him and what if you don't feel that way and his answer was well we won't know til then will we. He's said stuff like well I'll probably still come up and see you. And in my head I was just like WHY. WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT. WHAT REASON WOULD YOU HAVE TO COME SEE ME. I am just so hurt by all this. That he could see I was completely torn up about it and he told me to stop being silly.

 

And then I got the cryptic 'Take care of yourself and I'll be up to see you soon' thing. Why is he just jerking me around and being so cruel.

 

Well no contact starts today...I've deleted every photo of us and thrown out everything that reminds me of him as well as deleting his number.

 

I feel so crummy :(

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