Boyfriend unsure about relationship - not sure if we're even together? [update]

January 19, 2014

I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right topic section but here goes. I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months (10 in a week) and I guess it was a whirlwind romance. There was instant attraction when we met and he moved in with me a month into the relationship (Way too fast I know) but we got along very well. We spent almost all our free time together and we always had plans with each other or spent in constant communication with each other.

I then went back home for about a month and things were still smooth sailing and when I returned I moved to another state and he decided to move up here with me. I know it was a big change for him and that he left behind his family and friends for me. To add to it, he had to start looking for a new job.

We got along fine the first three months in this new place but then he started hanging out more and more with his co-workers. He would go out telling me that he would be back by say 1 or 3am and he wouldn't come home until noon or even later. I trust him so I don't believe that he has been seeing someone else, but now I'm not sure as he has become distant and we rarely spend any time with each other even though we live in the same apartment. I realize I reacted badly to him going out all the time by being a bit cold and distant but I tried explaining to him how worried it made me when he was out all night and not knowing whether he was home safe or in a ditch somewhere.

I went home for another month and everything was fine again. We always told each other that we missed each other and that we were in love and we've always talked about our futures together but now I feel that I've taken a back-seat to the partying. I've tried to get us to spend more time together but his answer was that he doesn't like going out with me when there's alcohol involved. We've had our little arguments when we've been out drinking before and I accept that it's mostly been my fault and I've held my hands up to it and apologized multiple times.

Two days ago I was over at my sister's (She lives 5 minutes away) and I knew he would have finished work and so would be back home and I gave him a call asking him if he would like to come out with us as I've missed spending time with him. He told me that he was tired and that he wanted an early night. A few minutes later I got a text saying that he was going to the house of one of his friends and that he wouldn't be back until tomorrow. I asked if I could come with him as I hadn't seen him much at all that week as I had been busy with school and he had been busy with work. He made up some excuses and so I decided to come home and talk to him. When I got home he had already left. I sent him a text saying that we need to talk as we have both been pretty upset with the relationship and it probably came across wrong as he started saying that I wanted to break up with him and that I had ****ed him over and then he ignored my calls and texts for the rest of the night.

He came home the next day and I ran up to him and we just held each other for awhile. We sat down and I asked him what was going on with us and where we stand now. His answer was that he loves me but the fire has died and he is unsure of whether he wants to be with me. He has not come out and said that we are broken up but I am not sure if this is because he is just waiting for me to be the one to do it or if he is just trying to have some time to think about the relationship. I told him as he is unsure I will give him time and space to think about it. And his reply was that it was good that we were talking again like friends. I feel like he is giving me mixed signals as although he has stopped being as affectionate as before he still tells me he loves me although his actions don't really show it. He left for work and I decided to dress up and surprise him as our sex life has also fizzled out (due to me getting the contraceptive implant and having constant bleeding from it) but he never came home and I got a text saying that he was drunk and I replied telling him to have a good night and he sent back a <3. Which made me think he still does love me, there's hope for us yet. I think I might just be reading too much into a stupid emoticon.

I am currently unsure of what to do with the relationship. I have never liked uncertainty so not knowing where we stand is making me anxious but I am trying to give him space to think about it and have not pressured him for an answer. I'm just not sure what to do. I love him so much and I've spent so much time crying and trying to please him that I feel like I have nothing left to give anymore. His birthday is tomorrow and I am unsure of whether we will be spending it together.

I feel like I just need some answers from him or at least a talk so he can tell me what I've been doing that has upset him so much so I can change and make this relationship work. I don't want to be with anyone else and I can't imagine being without him but sometimes I wonder if I stay because we're so set into a routine that without him I'd just be a bit lost.

I really want to make this relationship work and I'll do anything for us to be happy again but its so hard when I'm sat at home waiting for him and he never shows up and I don't know if he's not coming home because he just doesn't want to be around me or if he's just trying to bond more with his co-workers. I know the best thing to do would be to give him time and space but how long will that take? It seems like I'm the only one who is trying to save this relationship and I don't know if I can keep trying and trying without getting at least some sign that he wants this too.

I'm desperate for any advice on how to fix this. I've even considered couples therapy but I know my partner would never go for it.

HELP PLEASE!

EDIT: Last night when he actually texted to let me know he was going out it was the first time in awhile that he's done that and that's usually what our arguments are over and previously I've told him that he's free to go out as much as he likes but it would be really appreciated if he would just let me know if he's not coming home so I don't know if this is a sign that he wants to try to work this out as previously he would never let me know if and when he was coming home.

Edited January 19, 2014 by ikilledacockroach

January 19, 2014

I am sorry, but it sounds VERY strange to me that he would stay out until noon and not want you to come out with him… my ex had all the freedom in the world and I trusted him fully (and I know he never cheated on me), but he would never actually SLEEP anywhere else… the latest he would come home was 4am or 6am, and I was ALWAYS invited, it went without saying, I just chose not to go because of work etc. So I see a massive red flag in your case that he is not including you. I would address this, talk to him, and see where he stands, but this doesn't look good and - like you're saying - he might just be waiting for you to make the BU move. But before you do anything, just talk to him and ask him what he's thinking.

January 19, 2014

Well his reasons for me not going out with him are that we usually get into fights when we do go out drinking together so it's kind of understandable that he would want to avoid the situation especially in front of people that he has to work with. I haven't seen him since he told me he was unsure about the relationship and now I don't know whether to ask him if he wants to talk or to give him more time to think things through. I really do not want to end the relationship but if he refuses to talk to me about why he's unhappy I don't know what else to do

January 19, 2014

Insta relationships like you jumped into don't typically work out. You guys are in a more serious situation than is appropriate for your R. How old are you? You guys sound young? Who parties til NOON??? Your bf can communicate, he just doesn't care to. That tells you how much he cares about things. Are you sure you two are compatible?

January 19, 2014

Well… if there's still a chance to fix the relationship, I think you need to work on not fighting when you're drunk so that you can go out together like very ordinary couple and have a good time every once in a while. ALWAYS partying separately or you staying home while he's out til noon just sounds bad.

January 19, 2014

I'm 21 and he's 19 so I guess we're a bit too young to be having the whole 'you're the one' thing but everything was going along really well and I thought we were really happy up till this month :/ so it's all a bit of a shock. Well we have lots of different interests and views on things and he's always said opposites attract but I'm not too sure about that now.

January 19, 2014

Well… if there's still a chance to fix the relationship, I think you need to work on not fighting when you're drunk so that you can go out together like very ordinary couple and have a good time every once in a while. ALWAYS partying separately or you staying home while he's out til noon just sounds bad.

At the moment I haven't even seen him for longer that 3 hours in the past 3 days as he's been at work and comes home then goes straight to a friends house or goes out straight from work and just doesn't come home. It seems blatantly obvious that he is avoiding me and I really don't know what to do at this point. It seems like nothing will fix this but we've had something really good and I don't want to throw it away. I don't know if giving him space will help at all. How do you reignite the spark in a dying relationship when the other person is never even around

Edited January 19, 2014 by ikilledacockroach

January 19, 2014

I don't know if I should ask him if he wants to spend some time together tonight as it's his birthday tomorrow. I know I'm supposed to be giving him space but I don't know how we will be able to fix this if we don't spend any time together.

EDIT: He came home from work on his break to grab some some of his stuff to go to the gym and we talked about his day and how work was going. But I've noticed that he doesn't seem to have that light in his eyes whenever he looks at me anymore. I am planning a birthday dinner for the two of us when he gets home from work and hopefully that will either rekindle the romance or let me know that it is time to let go.

Edited January 19, 2014 by ikilledacockroach

January 19, 2014

I've written a previous post but to summarize it my boyfriend and I have been going out for 9 months. We live together and he gave up everything to move up here with me. I thought everything was fine but recently (it all started this month) he's started going out with his friends a lot more and not returning home and sometimes not even letting me know where he is leaving me worried about him. We have had a mini-talk about where we stand and he has said that he still loves me but that it has gotten past the breaking point and that the spark between us has died and he doesn't know whether he still wants to be in a relationship. He has not come straight out and said that we are broken up but when I have mentioned trying to work things out, he does not give me a definitive answer and he still tells me he loves me although I'm always the one saying it first. But I know there's a difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone.

Please, I want to save this relationship and I am planning to talk to him tonight. I don't know what to say without pushing him away. I want to be able to work things out but I don't know if he wants that. He's lost the sparkle in his eyes when he looks at me and I am at my wits end. I've not been eating or sleeping well and I am currently studying for finals that are in 3 weeks. I don't know how I will cope with the stress of losing him as well as the stress of exams.

January 19, 2014

I'm afraid you have your answer here

he's started going out with his friends a lot more and not returning home and sometimes not even letting me know where he is leaving me worried about him.

and here

that the spark between us has died and he doesn't know whether he still wants to be in a relationship.

I would save the "serious talk" with him until after your exams, a few more weeks won't make any difference to the relationship. Men come and go but your qualifications are what will support you throughout your career.

January 19, 2014

How long did you know each other before moving in? How old are you/him?

January 19, 2014

How long did you know each other before moving in? How old are you/him?

Well it happened pretty quickly so about a month into the relationship we were living together but we have spent a few months in between since then apart as I moved and then he decided to move up with me. I'm 21 and he's 19

January 19, 2014

I would save the "serious talk" with him until after your exams, a few more weeks won't make any difference to the relationship. Men come and go but your qualifications are what will support you throughout your career.

I would but at the moment I can't focus on anything other than this and I can't stop thinking about how I'm going to talk to him about it and what he's going to say or do or how I'm going to come home from class one day and all his stuff will just be gone

January 19, 2014

I don't want to fill you with false optimism, but maybe that's just a rough patch… he started a new job, is making new friends etc. and suddenly you don't seem that exciting anymore. I'd wait it out a little longer and just focus on your exams now. If he decides to end it, so be it, but don't put that stress on you now. 3 weeks is really no time at all.

January 19, 2014

I don't want to fill you with false optimism, but maybe that's just a rough patch… he started a new job, is making new friends etc. and suddenly you don't seem that exciting anymore. I'd wait it out a little longer and just focus on your exams now. If he decides to end it, so be it, but don't put that stress on you now. 3 weeks is really no time at all.

Thank you but he's been at this new job for 4 months now so I think the novelty must have worn off...he never went out this much during the first 2 months he just moved in but from then on it just started building up and I spent more time on my own at night than with him. The thing is since we've moved in together I haven't made any new friends as I haven't bothered going out with my classmates as I'd always prefer going home and spending time with him. I realize how stupid that was now as now he has a bustling social life and I spend my nights stuck at home. I am currently waiting for him to come home from work and to have a talk to him. I am not hoping for the best but it would be a relief just to know where we stand even though it might hurt. Recently i've been feeling lonelier than when I was living on my own and I can't stand it anymore. I have told myself after today I will throw myself into my work as I do not have much time left for exams and my grades have been slipping. I'm just afraid of the feeling of losing him although it feels like I already have and this sounds really cheesy but I feel broken and empty. Sorry for the really long post

January 19, 2014

He's 19?!

I assume the moving in had something to do with circumstance...ie he was going to save money or got to move out of moms or something?

The average 19 yr old doesn't want to play husband/wife with a girl. He wants to go out with his friends. He may love you but he's not ready for such a serious R. If you want to save this R your only hope is living separately and going back to DATING each other rather than living like a married couple far beyond your years.

He's 19. He wants fun and parties, it makes sense.

January 19, 2014

It's a few things.

You moved in together during the "honeymoon phase".

You say you know there's a difference between loving someone and being "in love". I'm going to argue against that point a bit, because nether of those terms really matters.

People think it's all about being "in love", but very few people know what that really means. You may know, but your boyfriend definitely doesn't. In his mind, "in love" is associated with excitement - that rush of hormones and feeling of giddiness and yearning you get at the beginning of a relationship. That stuff fades, and he's probably assuming his feelings did too. He's looking for that "high", and he's getting it by going out with his friends.

He's also 19. His brain isn't even fully formed yet (his frontal lobes won't connect until 25ish). He could change at the drop of a hat until then. It sucks, but that's life.

Here's the big issue - things moved quickly, and now he likely feels like he knows all about you and what it feels like to be around you. Instead of letting that feeling of just "love" kick in and feel inspired to do something new and fresh to spice things up and recharge those "in love" feelings, he's checked out. He had a choice to respark things or just "fall out of love", and he chose the latter...most people do.

This is going to hang over you until something is done. It's up to you if you want to deal with a failing relationship or a breakup during your qualifications. I say, cut him loose.

He seems to be waiting for you to do it. He's getting distant so that you'll be forced to dump him so that he won't have to do the dirty work. Tell him that you're not going to waste your time with someone who's not willing to put in the effort and kick him to the curb.

January 19, 2014

It's a few things.

You moved in together during the "honeymoon phase".

You say you know there's a difference between loving someone and being "in love". I'm going to argue against that point a bit, because nether of those terms really matters.

People think it's all about being "in love", but very few people know what that really means. You may know, but your boyfriend definitely doesn't. In his mind, "in love" is associated with excitement - that rush of hormones and feeling of giddiness and yearning you get at the beginning of a relationship. That stuff fades, and he's probably assuming his feelings did too. He's looking for that "high", and he's getting it by going out with his friends.

He's also 19. His brain isn't even fully formed yet (his frontal lobes won't connect until 25ish). He could change at the drop of a hat until then. It sucks, but that's life.

Here's the big issue - things moved quickly, and now he likely feels like he knows all about you and what it feels like to be around you. Instead of letting that feeling of just "love" kick in and feel inspired to do something new and fresh to spice things up and recharge those "in love" feelings, he's checked out. He had a choice to respark things or just "fall out of love", and he chose the latter...most people do.

This is going to hang over you until something is done. It's up to you if you want to deal with a failing relationship or a breakup during your qualifications. I say, cut him loose.

He seems to be waiting for you to do it. He's getting distant so that you'll be forced to dump him so that he won't have to do the dirty work. Tell him that you're not going to waste your time with someone who's not willing to put in the effort and kick him to the curb.

I agree. This thing is pretty much done and dusted and he lacks the stones to end it himself.

Finish it and focus on your exams. Good luck.

January 19, 2014

He sounds immature. And, he is treating you with total disrespect. He isn't committed to you and the relationship.

I don't think there is much to save. If he is ready to walk after only 9 months saying the spark is gone, he is clearly not committed.

This does not sound like a guy who is ready/able or even wants a serious relationship. I'm sorry.

I would say its because he is young, but I just had a guy in his fifties dump me for the same type of reasons.

Hang in there hon

January 20, 2014

Like you said you rushed by moving in together so soon. He's 19 immature and wants to party all the time. It doesn't seem normal to me that he doesn't come home and gives no explanation. I know it's tough but you need to have school as your priorty. Have a talk with him after exams because it isn't fair to you when you are invested and he isnt.

January 20, 2014

Thank you all so much for the advice..We attempted to have a talk yesterday and that went horribly wrong. He pretty much 'I don't know-ed' every question and chose to get drunk instead. At some point I asked him if he was just behaving this way so I'd leave him and he mumbled something about if I come home and find my bags packed and sitting outside then we'll know what you decided. At this point I know the relationship isn't working or even have hope that he'll want to try to fix things and I feel so stupid for giving him the time and space to try to think things through when all he's done is walk all over me. He has previously had problems with drugs when he was going through a previous bad relationship where he was so unhappy but didn't want to end things and I know he is pretty much doing the same thing but with alcohol instead this time. He is currently still out even after I told him to at least try to come home just this once. He has said that life is better when he is '****ed' and so I am thinking he may be sliding from one problem into another. One of my friends has told me that the only reason he hasn't properly broken up with me is because he is afraid and he feels guilty and that he wants me to be the one to do it so he won't have to feel bad. I am still love him but now he has made it so hard that I can't remember the reasons why.

I know it is being stupid to hope that he will come around and decide he wants to work things through. But at the moment I just don't know what to think, my head is saying one thing but my heart is telling me that he just needs some help and he'll be fine once the drinking stops

January 20, 2014

You seem to have your priorties straight with school, he on other hand neglects your feelings because he wants to go out and get drunk. I think it's time to let him go, by the way he's continuing to act things aren't in your favor. I know it's hard to let go because you love him, but right now youre the one hurting and he's out doing his own thing.

You deserve better than this

Kjackson

January 20, 2014

Thank you..It is his birthday today and he's going home to visit his family later today so I am unsure if I should just end things when he returns home from wherever he has been out to. I don't want to seem like a heartless bitch dumping him on his birthday but it seems like he has given me no other choice. He refuses to talk to me and there doesn't seem to be any other way to get through to him. He was being cryptic last night and said that the old him is somewhere deep inside him and is trying to show itself but has just been pushed down by all the drinking. I think he knows that what he's been doing has been hurtful as last night he told me that I shouldn't cry any more as in the state of mind that he is currently in that he is not worth my tears. I do not want to abandon him if he is actually starting to get heavily into the drink and drugs again but I do not know what to do and it does seem like he is really just doing all this so I am the one to end things. I'm just so confused at the moment.

January 20, 2014

I know this is going to sound really sappy but I'm not just losing my boyfriend, I am also losing my best friend. Someone who knew everything about me and who I've spent so much time with building and working on this relationship. It feels like I'm giving up such a big part of my life and I know it's silly as we've only been together 9 months but it does feel that way.

I have written him a letter telling him how I have felt and what this has been doing to me and how he should not stay with me simply because he is afraid of hurting my feelings as I have already been so hurt. I know he's just going to leave but I don't want to have to go through the pain of just coming home from uni and finding all of his stuff gone. I do not want to leave the apartment and go for lectures as I am still feeling so upset and am still crying. But at the same time I know that I have written him a letter, I have done all that I can possibly do and nothing else will change his mind.

I am hoping that by going home to see his family he will figure out what he wants and be man enough to say it. As sad as it is for me to say it I do not want to be the one who has to end the relationship as I think that it is a sign that I have given up on it which I haven't but I know if I let this continue, I will end up even more hurt and bitter.

Edited January 20, 2014 by ikilledacockroach

January 20, 2014

I am waiting for him to return home from wherever he has been to tell him that I cannot do this anymore and that he has to make a decision and if he is unsure that he should just leave because dragging this on is just making it harder for the both of us.

I know this is going to sound really sappy but I'm not just losing my boyfriend, I am also losing my best friend. Someone who knew everything about me and who I've spent so much time with building and working on this relationship. It feels like I'm giving up such a big part of my life and I know it's silly as we've only been together 9 months but it does feel that way.

It's normal to feel this way you were emotionally invested with him, you have waited on him to come home many times. You have tried to talk with him to change his ways and it isn't happening. Imo if he has a drinking problem it isn't your problem to fix if you aren't together. He seems really immature and doesn't seem ready for a serious relationship.

Focus on your studies and meet new people. You seem to be a sweet girl with a lot to offer, don't sell yourself short.

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Boyfriend unsure about relationship - not sure if we're even together? [update]

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