When your good male mate is a complete douchecanoe with women

[Absinthe]

My flatmate / colleague Dave is a good friend. We are both expats living thousands of miles away from home. He got me my job, got me a place to stay, lent me money when I first got here, cooks me dinner from time to time. And we get on well, of course! Because of this, I owe Dave a certain degree of loyalty.

 

However, Dave is a total player, and I'm starting to get in the middle of it as I often know his, uh, conquests. I am usually friends with the girl before Dave hooks up with them, which makes it super awkward. I then don't know what to say to these girls when they want to de-brief on why he's no longer texting them. Most awkward is that I am friends with his last serious (who he ultimately cheated on) girlfriend. I feel I can't just outright say "Dave's an idiot, just get over it", because outside of being a terrible boyfriend, he's actually a decent mate. Confused, yes. Weak, most definitely. Rolling in ten times more feline than he's ever been in his life and not knowing what to do about it, yeah.

 

And when you're the Platonic Female Friend it seems that other women are wondering if, secretly, you hold a torch for the guy and the reason you're batting them away is not because you want to save them from a world of hurt but because you want him for yourself (lol, Hollywood romcoms).

 

This is making going out for dinner or drinks with these girls like some kind of political nightmare. I seem to be doing OK if I just steer the conversation away, but some of them like to bring it back. ARRRRRRGH.

 

I tell Dave frequently that his behaviour is out of order and he knows it is, not that it's stopping him. Nor would it ordinarily be any of my business, but it seems to actually be affecting my social life. Nothing like meeting a girl for dinner or drinks and then finding out she actually wants dirt on your mate.

 

Has anyone been in this situation? Any tips?

[RedRobin]

My flatmate / colleague Dave is a good friend. We are both expats living thousands of miles away from home. He got me my job, got me a place to stay, lent me money when I first got here, cooks me dinner from time to time. And we get on well, of course! Because of this, I owe Dave a certain degree of loyalty.

 

However, Dave is a total player, and I'm starting to get in the middle of it as I often know his, uh, conquests. I am usually friends with the girl before Dave hooks up with them, which makes it super awkward. I then don't know what to say to these girls when they want to de-brief on why he's no longer texting them. Most awkward is that I am friends with his last serious (who he ultimately cheated on) girlfriend. I feel I can't just outright say "Dave's an idiot, just get over it", because outside of being a terrible boyfriend, he's actually a decent mate. Confused, yes. Weak, most definitely. Rolling in ten times more feline than he's ever been in his life and not knowing what to do about it, yeah.

 

And when you're the Platonic Female Friend it seems that other women are wondering if, secretly, you hold a torch for the guy and the reason you're batting them away is not because you want to save them from a world of hurt but because you want him for yourself (lol, Hollywood romcoms).

 

This is making going out for dinner or drinks with these girls like some kind of political nightmare. I seem to be doing OK if I just steer the conversation away, but some of them like to bring it back. ARRRRRRGH.

 

I tell Dave frequently that his behaviour is out of order and he knows it is, not that it's stopping him. Nor would it ordinarily be any of my business, but it seems to actually be affecting my social life. Nothing like meeting a girl for dinner or drinks and then finding out she actually wants dirt on your mate.

 

Has anyone been in this situation? Any tips?

 

 

I've had a couple of friends of mine tell me "he's a nice guy" when I ask about an acquaintance of theirs I'm thinking about dating.

 

 

Then I go out with the guy, and he turns out to be a pr*ck. Yes, I go back to my friend and tell them about their acquaintance... so that they know the guy isn't someone they should be recommending... or if they do, they ought to consider my experience.

 

 

It does have the potential of harming my friendship with them if they casually recommend people like that without doing due diligence at all. I will cut them some slack if they genuinely are just an acquaintance.

 

In your case, since you know this guy so well... if you want to be passive aggressive, you can say "yea, he's a nice guy" (mua, ha ha) and throw these ladies into the blender with that douchebag...

 

Or you can find some polite way of saying that you share space with him, but don't agree with how he conducts his romantic life... and leave it at that. If they press for more, say 'sorry, I don't like to gossip. If you want to get to know him better, that's up to you to work out'.

 

That also gets you out of being stuck in the middle or being some douchebag's wingman. You might even come across as a guy with class and good judgment... unlike your friend.

Edited January 19, 2014 by RedRobin

[Ronni_W]

I am usually friends with the girl before Dave hooks up with them

Ask Dave to please stop hitting on your friends because him doing that has already created problems for you and is likely to also impact your relationship with him.

 

You do also owe it to your g/friends to be honest with them...warn them about him BEFORE you introduce them and tell them if/when things crap out with him to not ask or expect you do get involved.

 

All you can do here is set your own boundaries with both Dave and your other friends.

[Absinthe]

Thanks guys.

 

Just to clarify - as I've only been here a short while, the girls I meet are more like acquaintances at this stage, and I normally meet them at the same time Dave does as we move in the same circles. It's just that I click with them on the "girly" level before he then, fuelled by alcohol usually, makes a move on them one night.

 

I have social circles of my own but trust me, I don't introduce any girls I've met there to Dave.

 

I think honesty is the best policy here, both with Dave and the girls in question. He's quite clearly going to carry on doing whatever he wants without thought of repercussion on the women he's getting involved. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to carry on calling him out on it, either. At the same time I think he needs to know that I'm not going to go out of my way to keep his "little secrets". Who knows, maybe that will reform his behaviour a little bit...at least in our shared circle....

[OpheliaSong]

Just say, you can do what you want, but I wouldn't date him. He knows he is a douche, right, so you aren't saying anything that isn't true. I agree, honesty is always the best policy. Forewarned is forearmed.