Change of perspective?

[Inflikted]

I'm in a bit of a bad place, and I've been struggling for years to get out of it. I'm a 25 year old guy that's never dated, never been in a relationship, never had sex, nothing. I can't help but desire those things, experience them, crave them...

 

But I have... issues. I have a hard time actually feeling personal attraction to most girls, even to go on a date with. No, I'm not gay, and it's not that I don't like girls or think they're unattractive. I just never really feel it, and I have no desire to pursue the girls I come across. In my entire life, there's only been two girls I ever actually wanted to date, and neither wanted to date me.

 

I actually did go on one date, a few months ago with a girl I met online. I wasn't really attracted to her, either, but we seemed to have a lot in common when we were chatting online, and we got along well online. But when we met and went out, I just really didn't feel any kind of connection, and honestly, I felt kind of bored.

 

So, I feel like I really need to get out of my current mindset, I need to stop lacking attraction to girls. Otherwise, I'm going to be forever alone. But I don't really know how to change the way I think, the way I see things, the things I find attractive. Kind of at a loss, really. I can't exactly "force" myself to find more girls attractive, nor can I "force" myself to enjoy dating girls I'm not particularly attracted to.

 

One big thing that really gets to me is, the two times I actually "liked" a girl, the feeling felt so amazing. Granted, both times I was rejected by each girl, it was followed by the worst, "I want to crawl in a hole and die" feeling, but the "high" beforehand was so amazing. It pains me that I've only ever felt that twice, and that I have such a hard time feeling it for anyone else. I want that feeling again so bad, I want it more often, and more than that, I want to know what it actually feels like to be with someone that I feel that way about. So... why can't I feel that more often...?

[potsticker]

I think I know this phenomenon. It's when you've experienced an idealized longing without having to deal with the realities that it makes things seem more insignificant. Because those two girls remained ideals in your head rather than who they really were, others can never measure up to the idealized versions of these two who had such an impact on you.

 

I'd imagine if you start casually dating a bit here and there just to meet and get to know more girls, that you might be able to start feeling it again.

Just a feeling, not a rationalization ;p but gl, sounds like a pretty rough hurdle

[Inflikted]

I dunno, I mean, I think I only really "idealized" the first girl I liked, which was about five years ago. Looking back, I see that I wasn't head over heels for her, but for the idea I had of her.

 

The more recent girl, however, I don't feel I "idealized" her at all. I was completely blown away by who she was as a person, even the flaws she had gave her character.

 

I just have a hard time getting in the mindset to just "date" girls. For one, I don't know who to even ask out; I don't want to just ask out every girl I come across, but at the same time, no girls really pique my ("romantic") interest even slightly, except for the two I mentioned.

 

Not to mention, if I'm not already interested in a girl beforehand, I feel like I wouldn't enjoy dating very much. Like I described before, I met a girl online months ago, we seemed to get along really well in our chats and have a bunch in common, and I took a shot with her by going on a date with her; but it was not very fun at all. I felt like I had ran out of things to say after about a half-hour, yet the date lasted almost 2-3 hours, and I felt very awkward and uncomfortable after I had ran out of things to say. It was almost painful... Yet, surprisingly, she got in touch with me the next day, saying she had a good time, and brought up going out again. I didn't really want to, so I just said "Yeah, we'll see", then I blew her off and never got back to her, and I felt so guilty and horrible for doing that...

 

So, I just have a hard time getting into a better mindset for it. If I'm not already into a girl, I don't care to go on a date with her, and if I go on a date with someone I'm not into, it's most likely not going to be a very fun, pleasant experience for me.

[potsticker]

 

So, I just have a hard time getting into a better mindset for it. If I'm not already into a girl, I don't care to go on a date with her, and if I go on a date with someone I'm not into, it's most likely not going to be a very fun, pleasant experience for me.

 

 

isn't that because you're expecting a bit too much ? Imagine if you were just hanging out with a friend. Not like every moment has to be interesting, and eventually, things happen that make things interesting. well, the 2nd part is what you're actually hoping for from the environment of the date itself, but w/e.

 

I think the first part of your first post here reveals quite a bit : "I'm a 25 year old guy that's never dated, never been in a relationship, never had sex, nothing. I can't help but desire those things, experience them, crave them..."

 

are you sure it's what you want? or do you just want it because it's what you know is normal? and if it is what you really want, are you sure your desperation for companionship isn't darkening your interactions with these women, making it harder to see them in a light that would pique your interest more? I think you might be thinking too much and expecting too much. It might help if you loosen your mindset a little.

[acrosstheuniverse]

What are your friendships like? Deep? Meaningful? Plentiful? Tell us about you and your best friend.

 

What you said about 'running out of things to say' and feeling awkward suggests to me you might not be the most socially skilled person yet, maybe this is holding you back? It came across a little like you felt you had a list of things to say and once you exhausted it, you were stuck, whereas most social interactions are give, take, feed off the response, talk about what they want to talk about, you think of new things to talk about during the discussion from what she says, things in your environment etc. 25 minutes is not a long period of time to run out of things to speak about when there are so many topics to choose from.

[Inflikted]

What are your friendships like? Deep? Meaningful? Plentiful? Tell us about you and your best friend.

 

What you said about 'running out of things to say' and feeling awkward suggests to me you might not be the most socially skilled person yet, maybe this is holding you back?

 

Honestly, I really don't have much in the way of a social life, nor do I have anything resembling a "best friend".

 

It's true, my social skills leave a lot to be desired. But I've been trying to make friends and improve my social skills for years now. Just really haven't improved much. I guess for the sake of discussion, we can delve into my social life (or lack thereof), but we might as well be opening pandora's box, here... Anyway...

 

I hate to say it, but I've always been pretty bad at conversing with people. Like, I can have a brief discussion about a specific topic with someone, but once that conversation is over, I'm not good at following it up and keeping a conversation going.

 

If I'm around people, and no one else starts a discussion, I tend to just keep quiet, because I find myself never really knowing what to say at any given time. And during these plentiful moments of silence and lack of communication, I feel very uncomfortable and I start stressing myself out trying to think of something to say to make it not awkward, but often, the moment passes and it is what it is.

 

That's not to say I have zero success. I'm good for making some one-off jokes and funny observations, and on occasion, I can start a brief discussion about something (but again, it's brief, and once it's over, I'm kind of at a loss). On rare occasions with specific people, I've been able to carry some decent conversation.

 

I actually tried really hard over the last year-and-a-half to befriend some coworkers and start having some semblance of a social life with them. We only went out as a group maybe three times, though, and nothing ever really developed beyond that.

 

I notice that people seem to "play favorites". They have their people that they absolutely love hanging around, spending time with, and talking to, and then there's me, someone who's not hated, but simply not "fun" and "interesting" enough to warrant attention. So often times, I'm excluded and/ or forgotten about, and on the rare occasion I am included in something, I'm like a perpetual "third wheel".

 

I noticed during at least two of the times I went out with a group of coworkers that I had a hard time jumping into the conversations and jokes they were having. Partially because I simply didn't know what to say, and partially because it was difficult to find openings to say the few things I did come up with. And when I did try to add something, it would kind of just fall flat and get ignored by everyone else.

 

I want to have a more fulfilling social life, and have friends and whatnot, but I guess I just kinda suck at it. You'd think that I'd have made more progress than I have over the last several years, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to be "fun" and "interesting" enough for people.

 

It came across a little like you felt you had a list of things to say and once you exhausted it, you were stuck, whereas most social interactions are give, take, feed off the response, talk about what they want to talk about, you think of new things to talk about during the discussion from what she says, things in your environment etc. 25 minutes is not a long period of time to run out of things to speak about when there are so many topics to choose from.

 

Eh, it's not so much that I had a list, or anything, but after a period of time, my "tank" had just run out, metaphorically speaking. This is basically how the date went:

 

We met up, said our pleasantries, then went to lunch. While we ate, we kind of recounted some of the stuff we had talked about online previously (we talked a LOT online before having met up), and from there, that spawned a handful of new discussion points, the last of which being about our extended families (at which point, she told me some stuff about her family that kind of raised a red flag to me). I was having trouble thinking of things to say, and that's when the conversation started falling a little flat.

 

Then we decided to take a walk for a while; we walked around, and she kinda said some little stuff here and there, sort of poked fun at me for being "quiet". I couldn't think of anything to really start a proper conversation going again, so I kept trying to make funny little one-off observations, some of which would get a laugh out of her, but not much more.

 

After a while, we found a bench to sit on, and we sat for a while. There were some awkward silences, due to me drawing a complete blank on anything to say. At this point, she pretty much took over and tried to steer discussions. She told me some stories about stuff she had done, and I made some remarks when it seemed appropriate, but I didn't have a whole lot to say. Then we just decided to call it a day.

 

I felt pretty "meh" about it almost immediately afterward, and wasn't planning to contact her. Like I said, though, the next day, she texted me and said she had a good time and was interested in going out with me again. Despite the fact that I didn't have a good time on the date, myself, I felt super horrible for blowing her off.

[Inflikted]

Anything else to add? I'm still pondering on these issues. :/

[2.50 a gallon]

You can teach yourself how to become better at talking with women. Most women like to talk about themselves and their lives.

 

Example. Ask them about their pets. Are they a cat or a dog person? Let them tell you about their cats or dog.

 

Birds! I know nothing about keeping birds, but would like to know more. Same thing with tropical fish, and the occasional snake person.

 

What are their favorite foods? Movie? Music.

 

Find out what they are passionate about. Art, music, science, UFO's, sports, their favorite team, race car driver, singer, band, nature, photography.

 

Let them talk and tell you all about it.

[Inflikted]

You can teach yourself how to become better at talking with women. Most women like to talk about themselves and their lives.

 

Example. Ask them about their pets. Are they a cat or a dog person? Let them tell you about their cats or dog.

 

Birds! I know nothing about keeping birds, but would like to know more. Same thing with tropical fish, and the occasional snake person.

 

What are their favorite foods? Movie? Music.

 

Find out what they are passionate about. Art, music, science, UFO's, sports, their favorite team, race car driver, singer, band, nature, photography.

 

Let them talk and tell you all about it.

 

Yeah, I guess. I dunno. I wouldn't necessarily say I'm "bad at talking to women", per se, I just never really feel a personal connection with them, not for anything more than friendship, anyways. Most girls I meet are perfectly fine people, and I wouldn't mind being friends with them and spending time with them in a group of friends, but it's really difficult for me to find someone I feel interested in enough to want to spend one-on-one time with.

[Syreeni]

Maybe how you feel has nothing to do with social skills, per se. Have you ever looked up any information on Asexuality and Demisexual?

[Inflikted]

Sort of, I think I've read a couple things here and there over the last couple years. I mean, it's not like I NEVER "like" a girl, it's just that it happens so infrequently. In my entire life, I've only ever "liked" two different girls, and they were about five years apart. Now I'm just floating along, hoping against hope that I might meet another one some day, maybe one that would actually be interested in dating me.

 

I just really like that "feeling" I feel when I'm attracted to a girl. It's sort of a high, a nice feeling that I want to feel more often. It makes me kinda sad that I've only felt it twice, and at such long intervals, at that.

[2.50 a gallon]

The idea is to practice learning how to talk to woman and keeping their attention now, to prepare you for the next time that you find yourself attracted to a woman.