Genie1 Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 * before people comment, pls take into consideration that I am aware I have messed up lol, I just want advice, not a lecture!* Basically I've known this guy for about 2 years. Always liked him as a friend, he's married so of course, anything was out of the equation and it didn't enter my head. We got more friendly and started telling each other life stories and about life in general, and about 8 months ago we started chatting about how he was unhappy with his marriage, his wife is horrible to him and he's fed up and feels worthless over it but stays for the 2 kids. (I can't comment as I have no children and I'm single so I don't know what it's like to be in that situation). Anyway, so 6 months after that we were out one night and flirted and acted silly as usual and out of no where he just leant in and kissed me. Cutting it short, grounds were made and we were meeting up secretly for a little kiss and chat. I knew it was wrong to kiss him but I'm attracted to him but as I said above, it was always out of the equation. We became close in terms of telling each other stuff and he would text me to say he's had a crappy evening with the mrs at home ... Our friendship/whatever you call it then developed and we would send sexual natured text messages... But this is where I'm confused.... We text every day single day without fail, and mostly the conversations turn sexual. BUT.... We haven't had sex! In 4 months, despite texting those sorts of things all the time, and him saying he likes me and feels he could tell me everything, he hasn't taken it physical. He says it's not cos he would feel qulity, it's cos hi and his wife haven't had sex in years. So, to the men out there.... Would a guy really feel dodgy about that?! Why hold back? I know I've messed up getting involved but now I genuinely really have feelings for him and I've gotten stuck in a rutt. I spend my days looking at my phone, wanting to hear from him. I tell myself not to text him but I always cave in. I know the best thing to do is slowly minimize contact, but I just need a friendly shoulder to talk to and some advice from people that have been in this situation before. Thank you
MidwestUSA Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 1) he's not as unhappy as he wants you to believe. Anyone who's that unhappy doesn't stay for the kids. 2) he's still having sex with his wife. Why he's not ready to double dip yet, I'm not sure. Maybe you're his first affair?
isisisweeping Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 * I know the best thing to do is slowly minimize contact, Thank you No, no it isn't. The best thing to do is immediately cease contact. You've already crossed the Rubicon. You also won't be able to "get over" him if you're in contact. Pull the bandaid off. You aren't a bad person; you made a mistake... but if that's true, you need to do what you can to rectify it, and that's to end all contact immediately and tell him to work it out with his wife. 2
deathandtaxes Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Prima facie evidence of why it's dangerous to discuss marital problems with opposite sex people. Usually one side doesn't have the other's best interests at heart. This is why you don't get attached to a married man. He's probably playing you. He likes the attention. He likes the sexual texts. He likes the kisses. He's gonna string you along. And what are you left with? You end up in love with a married guy who will never leave his wife. 3
Popsicle Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 He says it's not cos he would feel qulity, it's cos hi and his wife haven't had sex in years. I'm not a man, but, what does this mean? He won't have sex with you because he hasn't had sex with his wife in years? I would think not having sex with his wife in years would make him WANT to have sex, not the opposite?
Author Genie1 Posted January 18, 2014 Author Posted January 18, 2014 ..... Well what I mean by that is because a (male) friend told me if he's not had sex in years with his mrs.... He will get nervous. For example, and I won't say the exact phrase used, but he's told me before in texts in a jokey way that he would last about 30 seconds in bed. And my male friend told me that men worry about that sort of stuff, especially if they actually LIKE the girl, it feels like a pressure is being put on.
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 so if he and his wife are truly having problems and he's miserable, why hasn't he left and divorced her? Giving you some food for thought. Also, MM tend to greatly exaggerate their home life problems... To put them in the best possible light. I doubt very much things are as bad as he's made them out to be. You haven't had sex with him but are flirty and sexting with him, feeding your feelings more and more each day. No good can come of this long term even though you feel good now (aka how he makes you feel). I think deep down you know what you need to do though you don't really want to end it and walk away. This 'friendship' will only cause you harm in the end, leave you with a broken heart, shattered self esteem and you will be helping a man cheat on his wife. Again, this man is telling you his side of things and that may not be the actual truth of what is going on between them. Hey if he had told you he loves his wife and is happy, they do have sex, would you still go ahead and be flirty and sexting as much with him? Probably would have made you re think a bit and wonder why he is paying attention to you. He is not going to leave his wife and family, seems he likes having extra attention and it makes him feel good about himself - But that is not fair to you, especially since you're single and probably want more. 1
MidwestUSA Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 ..... Well what I mean by that is because a (male) friend told me if he's not had sex in years with his mrs.... He will get nervous. For example, and I won't say the exact phrase used, but he's told me before in texts in a jokey way that he would last about 30 seconds in bed. And my male friend told me that men worry about that sort of stuff, especially if they actually LIKE the girl, it feels like a pressure is being put on. That's true for both a guy who hasn't had sex in a while and a guy who's having sex with someone new. Even if the latter just had sex with his regular last night. He's had 'first times' before, and obviously lived through it, all guys do. So this is his excuse? 1
mortensorchid Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 You have already said that you are messed up when you started the story, so I will refrain from making said comments or the like to you. With that being said / not said, you really need to seek professional help as to how/why that you allowed this to happen to yourself. You are worth more than this, no matter what the guy is or isn't. He is off limits and you did not allow yourself to think otherwise. Get out now while you still can, and get some therapy. As to what happened between you and him, that's the past, it's over with, move on. It sounds harsh, but in order for you to get better, you have to be harsh. 1
Author Genie1 Posted January 18, 2014 Author Posted January 18, 2014 Thank you to all the comments, I appreciate it. But we all know what it's like when we "like" someone. We almost get fixated on them. It's just a rubbish phase I'll go through but once I find a nice single and genuine man, he will go off my brain radar. It's just hard though. Making me feel tearful, alone, and above all - confused.
PreciousOne Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Please just walk away from this man I wish so much that I had ran from him when I met him. Right now you are in the like phase which will make it a little easier than if you were to love him. Don't end up like me wasting 9 years with a man who will never leave their W. He ISNT BEING HONEST WITH YOU! No one is so miserable that they stay in a situation like that maybe its not how they would like it to be but his reasoning for staying more than likely has nothing to do with the kids because if he was that concerned about working it out for the kids he wouldn't be going around kissing and sexting with you continually running the risk of being caught and her leaving. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't make the same mistake as me and so many women on this site have made. It is terrible and the women that we hurt by having these affairs with their spouses don't deserve the hurt that we contribute to the affair. if it was so miserable on of them would have walked away. 2
Author Genie1 Posted January 18, 2014 Author Posted January 18, 2014 ^ thank you... Those words are helpful. It's horrible isn't it For example, I've not heard from him all day and I've found myself checking my darn phone and because I haven't heard from him, I feel low. I need to shake myself and say get a life!!! Need to focus my efforts into something new that is actually going to get me somewhere. It'll be interested though to see exactly how he reacts via text or whatever when he doesn't hear from me/get a reply from me the next few days. It's gonna be hard but I can do this... Hope I'm making the right choice
PreciousOne Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 This is true but try not to think of what he will do when he realizes that you haven't made contact. That's a mind trick because if he does notice you didn't reach out he will try to pull you closer to him and you will feel all bubbly and forget that you are trying to end this. I do this all the time but for me its always been a ploy for attention. Im missing out on so much. Im 24yo and I have never been courted never been out on a first date. You don't want to live a life of secrecy it really sucks lol. But a the end of the day its early and it will be a little easier for you now then to fall head over heels madly in love with him and have to walk away and get let behind. Much luck to you. 1
Popsicle Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 ^ thank you... Those words are helpful. It's horrible isn't it For example, I've not heard from him all day and I've found myself checking my darn phone and because I haven't heard from him, I feel low. I need to shake myself and say get a life!!! Need to focus my efforts into something new that is actually going to get me somewhere. It'll be interested though to see exactly how he reacts via text or whatever when he doesn't hear from me/get a reply from me the next few days. It's gonna be hard but I can do this... Hope I'm making the right choice Keep us posted.
Popsicle Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 ..... Well what I mean by that is because a (male) friend told me if he's not had sex in years with his mrs.... He will get nervous. For example, and I won't say the exact phrase used, but he's told me before in texts in a jokey way that he would last about 30 seconds in bed. And my male friend told me that men worry about that sort of stuff, especially if they actually LIKE the girl, it feels like a pressure is being put on. If I had to guess, I think what he meant was that he was afraid if he had sex with you that he might become more torn between you and his wife. It would invite more emotional turmoil.
MidwestUSA Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 If I had to guess, I think what he meant was that he was afraid if he had sex with you that he might become more torn between you and his wife. It would invite more emotional turmoil. Pretty sure he was referring to premature ejaculation. That's how I took the 'lasting 30 seconds'.
Popsicle Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 Pretty sure he was referring to premature ejaculation. That's how I took the 'lasting 30 seconds'. I know, but I just don't believe that's his main concern.
sunburned Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 ^ thank you... Those words are helpful. It's horrible isn't it For example, I've not heard from him all day and I've found myself checking my darn phone and because I haven't heard from him, I feel low. I need to shake myself and say get a life!!! Need to focus my efforts into something new that is actually going to get me somewhere. It'll be interested though to see exactly how he reacts via text or whatever when he doesn't hear from me/get a reply from me the next few days. It's gonna be hard but I can do this... Hope I'm making the right choice You will feel a lot lowER if you embark on a sexual affair with this guy and the communication stops. And sorry to t/j, but Precious One, you said you are 24 and were in an A with a MM for 9 years??? Did I read that right? That sounds like one scummy MM. 2
whichwayisup Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 Thank you to all the comments, I appreciate it. But we all know what it's like when we "like" someone. We almost get fixated on them. It's just a rubbish phase I'll go through but once I find a nice single and genuine man, he will go off my brain radar. It's just hard though. Making me feel tearful, alone, and above all - confused. No you won't find ANY guy as long as you're still involved with him and have him in your life. Your emotions, heart and even head will not allow you to even consider another guy because you're only into him. The way you feel - Tearful, confused, alone - not good at all. Healthy relationships don't make one feel like that, right? All the more reason to see that this situation is not good for you at all. Get out of it..Detach and focus on your friends and family in your life. ^ thank you... Those words are helpful. It's horrible isn't it For example, I've not heard from him all day and I've found myself checking my darn phone and because I haven't heard from him, I feel low. I need to shake myself and say get a life!!! Need to focus my efforts into something new that is actually going to get me somewhere. It'll be interested though to see exactly how he reacts via text or whatever when he doesn't hear from me/get a reply from me the next few days. It's gonna be hard but I can do this... Hope I'm making the right choice See this is what I cannot stand reading! Your self esteem is too tied up with him. So you don't hear from him for a day or two, it is not the end of the world! Problem is you're so attached to him and need to hear from him so you'll feel good and happy. When you don't have constant contact or that 'zing' of feelings felt, you're 'low'. That's not love - It's addiction and how he makes you feel is like a drug, leaving you wanting more ... Go out with friends, be happy regardless if you hear from him or not. You have your health, a house over your head, food on the table, you're blessed. Keep this in perspective. Any time you feel low, PUSH yourself into feeling more positive! Call a woman friend and distract yourself. You are making the right choice. It may not feel like it now but later in the future you'll feel good that you did this. He isn't yours. And, you were fine before he came into your life, you'll be fine again soon! Don't be afraid of feeling a bit of pain, feeling withdrawal from not hearing from him. 1
Author Genie1 Posted January 19, 2014 Author Posted January 19, 2014 Thanks all..... Yes I will keep you all posted. I know each day will get easier when I don't text him/hear from him but at the same time... Last time we spoke it was on great terms so now I fear that it looks like I'm being rude by just blanking him. And I don't wanna do that, cos we've been friends for years, it's just I've gotta let my feelings subside . This is such a tough situation 1
thinkingofhim Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 Regardless whether he is married, I wouldn't chase after a man that I had to convince to have sex with me. I think that is degrading. 2
MissBee Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 (edited) I'm not a man, but, what does this mean? He won't have sex with you because he hasn't had sex with his wife in years? I would think not having sex with his wife in years would make him WANT to have sex, not the opposite? Ditto. Nervousness has never stopped others, even virgins, from having sex. I get nerves but come on, sex is like riding a bike, no matter how long you haven't done it, it's not like you have to "learn all over." I have never heard of this. One of my exes had performance anxiety issues when we first had sex because he really liked me. However, it didn't stop him one bit. He explained it to me and after the first hiccup, it was smooth sailing going forward. It's not as though the longer you wait the more ready you will be, most men will jump in, pun intended, and go from there. Even if the first time isn't the greatest, they QUICKLY improve. So I don't buy it. It sounds like it is more likely guilt and as others have suggested he's probably still sleeping with his wife, hence he doesn't want to take it up a notch. He may be one of the many people who don't see an affair as "that bad" if no sexual intercourse is involved, so he's making sure not to take it to the physical level as that will make it a lot "realer." It seems he may be enjoying the sexting and having you to tell his marital problems to (which is super bad practice and for the future, run from men who do this), but isn't actually interested in a full blown affair. Edited January 20, 2014 by MissBee
BeingMe Posted January 20, 2014 Posted January 20, 2014 Ok, gently.... ....put your timescale back a few years and you could have been talking about my WH. I know that you may want to believe this is something special,different, that we don't understand. But the sad thing is, MM/WH seem to follow one of a couple of different scripts. No idea why. But it means that those of us who've been here for a while recognise the script your MM is using. That's why people are telling to to go complete NC with him. You sound like you don't want to hear that. Sounds like you want us to tell you that he will leave his wife for you. If he'd wanted to leave his marriage, he would have done so already. If his wife finds out she may end the marriage and send him off to you...but that's not the same, is it? Don't you deserve a man who is free to love you? Don't you deserve a man who will really fight for you? I know that it might feel like he's fighting for you because of all the sneaking around, the risk he's taking for you. But he probably doesn't think he'll get caught (this delusion is called affair fog) so the risk doesn't seem real to him. If he really loves you, he'll end the marriage before he sleeps with you. Thing is, I can see how addictive this could be: a man who already has a woman wants you, you must be better than her, right? That feels good right? He confides his secrets/problems to you, that makes you feel valued, right? The sneaking around and risk of getting caught makes your adrenalin soar, great dopamine high. And knowing that the BW hasn't figured it out, makes you feel clever/superior, right? It DOES feel good. But it means having to ignore a lot of things that you'd probably rather not think about. About your integrity, his integrity, what type of person you become through the choices you're making, what type of person he really is to have an affair rather than end his marriage, that you are causing his BW and children irreparable damage etc etc. And that's a lousy start to any relationship. But most of all. He's manipulating you. He knows he's not free to love you. He knows what he could choose to do to change that. But he doesn't want to. He chooses not to. He doesn't care enough to love you openly. You deserve better. 3
Author Genie1 Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 I heard from him via text message but it was nothing special After reading all the replies on here, I'm seeing more sense. Don't get me wrong, I'm still finding it tough each day but need to sort my head out ! 1
Popsicle Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 It seems he may be enjoying the sexting and having you to tell his marital problems to (which is super bad practice and for the future, run from men who do this)... Never understood this. Why do some men like having a woman to sext to and tell their marital problems too?
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