SpiralOut Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 (edited) I normally ignore this sort of behaviour. Lately though it is getting to me, and I feel the anger rubbing off onto me and leaving me feeling irritated. Her anger is unpredictable. She doesn't say anything outright rude or inappropriate (usually), she just has that tone of voice, angry face. She does it to others, not just me. For example, she became angry at this girl who happened to be standing beside some sugar someone else had spilled. She decided the girl did it, or should have cleaned it up or something, and said so. She jumps to conclusions and blames people for things they didn't do. Her favourite phrase is "why don't you know that? Everybody knows that!" If you point out to her that actually no....NOT everyone knows that.... she gets even more angry. Sometimes she will complain about others right in front of them. For example, she complained about how smokers jackets smell bad right in front of this girl who is a smoker. She didn't seem to notice or maybe didn't care that she was insulting her. She complains about me in front of me too. Sometimes she'll do it by whispering, because she thinks I can't hear her? The other day I confronted her about it, and asked her if there was something that she would like for me to do for her. She calmed down and agreed. I don't think she noticed that she had just acted rudely. There was serious tension in the room. Maybe I shouldn't have rewarded her behaviour like that but I wanted to make her realize that I can hear her. I'm hoping if I do that enough, that she will stop whining about me right in front of me. She is also one of the bossiest people there. There are people who have more authority over me than she does, yet they don't ask me to do so many little things for them. She, on the other hand, just asks me all the time to do this or that for her. When I ask her why, she gives always a reason that SOUNDS reasonable enough, yet I can't help but feel that she's trying to pull some sort of power play over me. I have to work with this woman, so I can't avoid her. Just yesterday she asked me to do something for her and I agreed to it and I did it, and she STILL gave me attitude!! I just don't know how to deal with her anymore. ETA: Oh yeah someone else got irritated with her and told her that she can't boss him around because she's an assistant (she is), not someone with authority over him. She went to the break room and cried, and drama ensued. Soooo I can't really approach her that way. Edited January 18, 2014 by SpiralOut
haven Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 she does not like it when its done to her so she should not do it to others have you ever spoke to her about it? she must have some kind of problem to treat others like that she probably thinks she is doing a good when in fact she is hurting people feelings especially the one she loves. sometimes they grow up in a home that was like that so she feels thats how it should be. anyways u could tell her in a nice way what she is doing is upsetting u and others to so if she could try and be more nice. 1
AlwaysGrowing Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 In my experience unhappy people visit it on others. Doesn't mean you have to tolerate it. And it appears you don't. You called her out. Continue. If you are present when she starts to put down others, change the topic or say something positive about that person. Don't just listen. Be mindful, that you don't allow her to change who you are. Don't let her darkness snuff out your light. 1
jba10582 Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Anger is not a root emotion. Anger is the outward projection of something else that could be caused by other things such as hurt, frustration, fear... which are rooted from unmet needs, wants desires and expectations. Just knowing this can provide a small avenue for compassion and understanding and a choice to remain in a calm and collected emotional state. 2
crederer Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 (edited) I've been there, and it's a living hell, isn't it OP? Being single is better than that emotional abuse. And yeah you can approach her directly, just cause she cries doesn't mean you can't confront her ****ty behaviour. C'mon man.... Edited January 28, 2014 by crederer
Author SpiralOut Posted February 8, 2014 Author Posted February 8, 2014 Thanks for the advice. I really do find it helpful to remember that she must be very unhappy. Her self-esteem is probably very low, too, for her to act that way. This week she ignored me on purpose, belittled me for something, got her stupid friend to say something rude to me, then the next day she did the exact same thing that she had made fun of me for!! She is such a moron. I'm sorry but I just cannot for the life of me respect her. Then she'll turn around and try to chat with me in the break-room. Seriously? So now we are friends? I don't think so! Geez. I show her a very basic level of friendliness, just enough so I'm not being rude to her. I think I should pick my battles. I will only call her out on things that are immediate (happening right at that moment) and if she is acting alone. If she has her bitchy friend with her, it is pointless of me to say anything unless I want two of them against me. I cannot bring up things from the past, because she does not remember previous conversations or things that happened. I know she doesn't remember because she often asks me the same questions over and over. It sort of makes me wonder.
GoreSP Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 This is happening at work? Talk to her superior.
Author SpiralOut Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 (edited) I am updating because I had no problems for a while and now she has started up again. I need to vent. First of all, this might have been nothing but last month she took my work-coat and wrote her name over top of mine. She wasn't there for me to confront, so instead I showed it to someone, then crossed her name off and wrote my name in bigger letters on it. The next day she saw it and approached me apologizing like crazy. She claimed that it "had no name on it." The girl I had shown it to told her "um spiralout's name was written on it and then there was yours written over top." The woman didn't say anything to that, just apologized to me a million more times. She was acting so afraid of me that people commented on it. I pretended to believe it was all a mistake,, but I'm 99% certain that she knew exactly what she was doing and then freaked out when she knew she'd been caught. Nothing else for a while, then today I was having a conversation with someone in the breakroom. He thought I wasn't there yesterday even though I was. I wasn't offended by it. I just corrected him. He then asked me if I had seen him yesterday. I said I don't know, probably, I don't remember. Lol. I tend to put those details out of my mind. Anyway, so that woman was sitting there listening in on our conversation and then she said, "What do you MEAN you don't REMEMBER?" with a nasty tone of voice. I found this odd because a) He didn't remember seeing me either, and she didn't say a word to him about it b) She forgets things all the time. She doesn't remember previous conversations she has had with me and asks me the same questions three or four times. But I don't call her out on it, I just let it go. c) He wasn't mad. He was smiling. He wasn't offended. Also, we weren't even talking to her. I somehow managed to stay calm. I was in a really good mood. I did not change the expression on my face. I just calmly said, "that's okay. He doesn't remember seeing me either." She didn't say a word. That was the end of it. Christ. I needed to vent that. That was really hard for me to keep my temper. I don't understand her at all. She's so unpredictable. Edited May 23, 2014 by SpiralOut
carhill Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I do deal with a few constantly angry people and I view them the same way I viewed psychosis when caregiving. They're sick and it's not personal. Obviously, if they can be avoided I would do that but in my case they're spouses of friends so I can't do that. I simply play the mental illness tape and think happy thoughts. The MC tool of choosing how to process anger really pays dividends in such cases. Unpredictable? Ha, one is so unpredictable that I don't know whether she'll call me a b@stard or give me clothes and hug me. It changes from day to day and sometimes from hour to hour. That's life!
Frank2thepoint Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 She is also one of the bossiest people there. There are people who have more authority over me than she does, yet they don't ask me to do so many little things for them. She, on the other hand, just asks me all the time to do this or that for her. When I ask her why, she gives always a reason that SOUNDS reasonable enough, yet I can't help but feel that she's trying to pull some sort of power play over me. I have to work with this woman, so I can't avoid her. Just yesterday she asked me to do something for her and I agreed to it and I did it, and she STILL gave me attitude!! I just don't know how to deal with her anymore. ETA: Oh yeah someone else got irritated with her and told her that she can't boss him around because she's an assistant (she is), not someone with authority over him. She went to the break room and cried, and drama ensued. Soooo I can't really approach her that way. This explains her anger and poor attitude towards others. She is deluding herself to think she has power over people. Her snide comments, angry criticisms, are the properties that she is a control freak. She wants people to act a certain way. Her way. As soon as someone confronts her, bursts her bubble that she holds no real power, her world shatters. She is very unstable. She is creating a hostile work environment, and you should definitely report these incidents to your supervisor or HR representative. I would not suggest for you to approach this woman at all, because she is very unstable. I suggest you minimize contact with her. Hopefully your place of employment can offer counseling for her, without having her employment be terminated. 2
joystickd Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I normally ignore this sort of behaviour. Lately though it is getting to me, and I feel the anger rubbing off onto me and leaving me feeling irritated. Her anger is unpredictable. She doesn't say anything outright rude or inappropriate (usually), she just has that tone of voice, angry face. She does it to others, not just me. For example, she became angry at this girl who happened to be standing beside some sugar someone else had spilled. She decided the girl did it, or should have cleaned it up or something, and said so. She jumps to conclusions and blames people for things they didn't do. Her favourite phrase is "why don't you know that? Everybody knows that!" If you point out to her that actually no....NOT everyone knows that.... she gets even more angry. Sometimes she will complain about others right in front of them. For example, she complained about how smokers jackets smell bad right in front of this girl who is a smoker. She didn't seem to notice or maybe didn't care that she was insulting her. She complains about me in front of me too. Sometimes she'll do it by whispering, because she thinks I can't hear her? The other day I confronted her about it, and asked her if there was something that she would like for me to do for her. She calmed down and agreed. I don't think she noticed that she had just acted rudely. There was serious tension in the room. Maybe I shouldn't have rewarded her behaviour like that but I wanted to make her realize that I can hear her. I'm hoping if I do that enough, that she will stop whining about me right in front of me. She is also one of the bossiest people there. There are people who have more authority over me than she does, yet they don't ask me to do so many little things for them. She, on the other hand, just asks me all the time to do this or that for her. When I ask her why, she gives always a reason that SOUNDS reasonable enough, yet I can't help but feel that she's trying to pull some sort of power play over me. I have to work with this woman, so I can't avoid her. Just yesterday she asked me to do something for her and I agreed to it and I did it, and she STILL gave me attitude!! I just don't know how to deal with her anymore. ETA: Oh yeah someone else got irritated with her and told her that she can't boss him around because she's an assistant (she is), not someone with authority over him. She went to the break room and cried, and drama ensued. Soooo I can't really approach her that way. You can go to her superior but at some point you are going to have to check her on her bad behavior towards you. Other have more than likely noticed. The thing is as a person you have to establish that you are not taking the rudeness she dishes out. After you check her just say nothing else. She can get dramatic but it only makes her look bad. It's sounds like something that has gone on for a long time so you have to handle it. 1
Author SpiralOut Posted May 24, 2014 Author Posted May 24, 2014 (edited) This explains her anger and poor attitude towards others. She is deluding herself to think she has power over people. Her snide comments, angry criticisms, are the properties that she is a control freak. She wants people to act a certain way. Her way. As soon as someone confronts her, bursts her bubble that she holds no real power, her world shatters. She is very unstable. She is creating a hostile work environment, and you should definitely report these incidents to your supervisor or HR representative. I would not suggest for you to approach this woman at all, because she is very unstable. I suggest you minimize contact with her. Hopefully your place of employment can offer counseling for her, without having her employment be terminated. She deludes herself because in her country she WAS in a position of greater power. Here, her qualifications don't count so she has to do part-time courses to become re-certified for our country. Until then, she is stuck as an assistant. She has all the knowledge but can't legally do certain things she used to be able to do. I can see how that would be frustrating for her, but her anger level is totally crazy. It's not fair to the rest of us. Her supervisor is fully aware of it. She herself has said that this woman is "really mean sometimes." Management is aware of her problem, if the story I heard is true. At some point she needed more of something, and our boss wasn't ordering it, so she got angry and told him that she would quit if he did not get it for her. He said "okay," and didn't do what she wanted. And look, she still works here. Most of the younger people (under age 30) don't see it. They think she's great, even though they have witnessed her bullying people. I've watched her do that to a couple of people and I disliked her immediately for it. I even told others about it, because her bullying was slowing us down and making it harder for us to complete our work. They responded by calling her "mean hearted." We used to have a receptionist who told her right to her face "you're a bully." The woman completely ignored it. So yeah others do see it. Reporting it seems rather pointless. If management has known about it for this long and hasn't done anything, then why would they do something now. I don't think they really care how rude she is so long as she does her work... You can go to her superior but at some point you are going to have to check her on her bad behavior towards you. Other have more than likely noticed. The thing is as a person you have to establish that you are not taking the rudeness she dishes out. After you check her just say nothing else. She can get dramatic but it only makes her look bad. It's sounds like something that has gone on for a long time so you have to handle it. Yeah exactly. Telling someone about it won't do any good, I don't think. It's up to me to deal with it and let it be known that I won't put up with it. I'm not always the greatest at standing up for myself, but this woman is giving me great practice at it! I used to lose my temper and snap at her. Now I am much, much better at controlling myself. I stay calm and don't give an emotional reaction. I think next time she acts really rude I'll just say "I don't think that tone of voice is necessary," or "please don't talk to me that way." I think I'm at a point where I can say that calmly. I really am sick and tired of minding my own business, trying to eat my grapes and enjoy my coffee, and having some nutso woman acting all rude to me out of nowhere. ETA: Would it be going too far to say "Okay. You don't need to be so rude about it." ? Because that's what I want to say sometimes but I don't because I worry she might explode. Edited May 24, 2014 by SpiralOut
regine_phalange Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 From what ive witnessed, work bullies just need to be put in their place. Kindness doesnt really work with them (ive seen them bully people who were very competent and gentle). Next time she is rude to you, just say what you have thought of, eg "please, i dont want you to ever talk to me that way again". And then return back to what you were doing. If she comes and yells or something, tell her you have work to do. Sarcasm also may work, if she is otherwise a coward.
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